Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Teen Titans #10


Power Girl has an asshole on her face.

This issue begins by slapping me in the face and I've got half a mind to just throw it in the garbage and be done with it.


Except the comic book is correct and I can't justify wasting $2.99 on a comic book that I will never read.

Why is the comic book being so aggressive towards me?! It's like it already knows that I'm going to shit all over it! And I am!

I don't mean to make Watanabe feel bad but I suddenly find myself wondering how Kenneth Rocafort is doing? Why isn't he arting up this comic book with his crazy panel layouts and motherfucking punk rock zig zag lines all over the page? Felipe Watanabe's characters look like bored corpses.

The STAR Labs Titans have a name: The Elite. They're going to take Superboy into their custody and for some reason Wonder Girl believes that it won't "degenerate into meaningless violence." Ha ha! That's a good one! At first I thought, "OH! Cool! They're going to talk this thing out like heroes!" And then I checked the cover and saw this was published by DC Comics and knew that it was, in fact, about to degenerate into mindless violence. Although Kid Flash steps up to say a few words before it does. Will he be able to convince the Teen Titans and The Elite to work together?!

Ha ha! Of course not.

Anyway, Kid Flash wants to chastise Red Robin for leaving him in the future with Solstice. But Red Robin is all, "You wanted us to leave you! And Solstice chose to stay with you! And fuck you, asshole!" But Bart's retorts, "No! No! FUCK YOU!" And then meaningless violence occurs.


Thanks for saving the window? Would one more broken window really matter after Cassie kicked in the door and Superboy flew through the wall?! Besides, he didn't save the window. It's completely cracked. I'm assuming it's still going to need to be replaced.

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl into Mento's television set and then The Guardian (who is apparently a teenager) is allowed to say a line. I'm totally interested in him now! He's got, like, a personality and shit!

I forgot to mention that Klarion was referred to as a "punk sorcerer." Really? When did that happen? I'm still obsessed with his original incarnation as a Puritan! And Trinity, the Indigo Lantern that is on the team for reasons which will probably never be revealed? She was called a "cosmic psychotic." I suppose that describes all Indigo Lanterns, although I would have added an "ex-" to that description. That's kind of the whole point of the Indigo Corps, right?

Superboy smashes The Guardian through the roof of the building and halfway across Chicago. So now add the death of one superhero to the 22 Muslims he murdered. Because, seriously, The Guardian doesn't have invulnerability, does he? And he can't fly, right? What does he do besides molest newsboys? You know, the point isn't whether The Guardian has powers that will save him from certain death or not. The point is Superboy doesn't know anything about The Guardian (except that he met him that one time and totally wasn't impressed) which shows how reckless Superboy is with his powers. He doesn't give a short, disappointing Kryptonian fuck whether or not he just killed some guy. I think I might be on the side of Manchester Black and The Elite by this point! Although I kind of already was because Red Robin is being a total asshole who thinks the members of his team are above the law and shouldn't have to endure criminal investigations.

Red Robin gets Raven to teleport them to Manchester Black just before reckless Superboy punches The Guardian's shield (He came back! I guess he is invulnerable and can fly! Maybe Superboy did do his research!) which knocks everybody left in the apartment unconscious except for Power Girl. Even his friends Bunker and Garfield! Plus, the entire penthouse floor is destroyed in the release of telekinetic energy. Hopefully the entire top floor was just Mento's penthouse.

Also, Felipe Watanabe's characters look really good in some panels. I guess how much I like the art depends on how much time Felipe Watanabe and inker Trevor Scott spent on any one page. So I totally retract that statement about caring what Kenneth Rocafort was up to. He can be passed out naked in a pile of overdone Pop Tarts for all I care.

Anyway, Power Girl goes after Superboy so we can, once again, witness just how irresponsible and reckless he is.


This boy needs some training from Supergirl.

I guess I can't blame Superboy for being so destructive though. He was created to be a living weapon by NOWHERE!

Power Girl smashes into the deck of a pool of another apartment building. Who pays for that? It's not as if the owners should pay for it themselves while being thankful that The Elite were saving them from intergalactic monsters. She busted up that deck during a personal brawl! I suppose it was also in pursuit of a felon but that just means STAR Labs is going to have to foot the bill. Which I assume they will since Power Girl mentions she works for STAR Labs before leaving the scene of the vandalism. Manchester Black is going to be pissed.

Cassie takes over the battle with Superboy. I hope she thinks things like, "If he wasn't so awful, I'd put his dick in my mouth!" Or "I wonder if he can make me orgasm by punching me in the clitoris?" Or "I love him but I hate him too!" I also think she probably won't think those things because Scott Lobdell isn't writing this comic book anymore.

The narrator decides to call me poor again so I spend the next twenty minutes crying. I'll show him! I'll going to get rich and then take a marker and scribble over the parts of the story where the narrator is telling me I can't afford to live places! Then I'll buy a gun and shoot him in the face. Or her! I'm not a sexist murderer!

Superboy smashes Wonder Girl through a bridge full of innocent bystanders because Superboy loves smashing things and being destructive and living the reckless lifestyle.


"I can't breathe! He's killing me! He's so dreamy!"

The rest of The Elite teleport back to New York via STAR Labs tech support. I still don't know why they keep asking Klarion to teleport them when he can barely teleport them within one city. They have an Indigo Lantern on the team who can teleport cosmic distances! The only point of the Indigo Lanterns is to teleport! And I guess to care about shit nobody else cares about.

Back in Manchester Black's apartment, Red Robin and Raven are defeated by him because he's a bad ass who smokes and has a tattoo of the Union Jack on his chest. Plus he knows shit that will help advance the plot which only makes sense because it advances the plot. Apparently the Teen Titans have to take Superboy to a prison full of super villains so he can find his salvation. Does that mean The Elite and the Teen Titans can stop fighting and work together now? Because Red Robin will believe Raven when she tells him about her visions pulled from Manchester Black's head? Visions which show Superboy can only be saved (from what? I don't know!) by going to prison which is where everybody wants him anyway?

Teen Titans #10 Rating: No change. Superboy is so broken in The New 52 (now the DC Youniverse, I guess. Although it's really just the same thing but rebranded so people who hated The New 52 can come slinking back to DC with their dignity intact). At this point, he should just be killed and a new Superboy from Clone Tube #3 should just replace him. But this one can actually act heroic from the very beginning. I guess all the assholes who identify with Superboy and how he's so alone and nobody understands him and doesn't fit in and all that bullshit won't like the new Superboy. But fuck those people! This Superboy is ruining every single title he guest stars in because they become all about him. And he's just a confusing mess that's made even more confusing by every single story he appears in. The Teen Titans would do well to just wash their hands of him.

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