Monday, August 3, 2015

Sinestro #13

The exclamation point is the wrong punctuation to use after "Parallax released". Is there a punctuation mark that denotes apathy to the point of hopelessness and despair?

I don't think Cullen Bunn is a bad writer but I do think he's completely disinterested in the DC characters he's currently writing. At least I know I am! And whatever I'm feeling must be what other people are feeling, right? Is that how empathy works?

If I could pitch a Sinestro comic book, I'd march into Dan Didio's office and say, "Geoff Johns is a joke!" Then Dan would probably say, "You should be pitching comic books to Geoff Johns." So I'd march into Geoff Johns' office and say, "Dan Didio is a joke!" Then we'd high-five and suck each other's cocks before I went into my pitch which would be this: "Why is Sinestro named Sinestro? What if we delve into that aspect of his character!? Sinestro! Sinestro! Sin. Estro. Without estrus! What if Korugarian males are the ones who go into heat but Sinestro never did?! He's pent up! He's so horny he's gone mad although he doesn't even know he's horny because he has no estrus! Imagine if Sinestro is...a virgin!" And Geoff Johns would be all, "Um, Soranik?" And I'd be all, "Retcon her out of existence! Nobody will notice!" And then Johns will be all, "I'm pretty sure his name is Sinestro because it evokes the word 'sinister.'" And I'd be all, "How do you do that thing with your tongue that made my dick harder than it's ever been?" And Johns will be all, "You know I'm in talks with HBO to do a Crazy Quilt television series?" And I would be, "Um, interesting. Oh! Just look at the time! I have to go now!" And Johns will begin to unzip his pants as I'm leaving and say, "Could you send Cullen in on your way out?"

I'm not implying that Geoff Johns engages in casting couch shenanigans! Although I have heard, via my own commentaries and misconceptions, that if you buy him lunch, he'll give you a comic book series. So use your imagination! Seriously, use your imagination so you get sued for libel instead of me!

This issue begins with Soranik upset that she's been chosen to become a Yellow Lantern. It seems weird that in one moment, she had the ability to overcome great fear. Then suddenly, in another moment completely opposite the previous moment, she had the ability to instill great fear. Okay, I guess those aren't opposite moments at all. And I guess, according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, a Yellow Lantern is just a Green Lantern minus Hope. Although according to the Emotional Spectrum Color Wheel, Love is just a combination of Anger and Hope. That seems about right.

Moments after Soranik becomes a Yellow Lantern, her Green Lantern Ring disappears. Soranik says "How did you know?!" at the exact same time that Lyssa says "How did you know?!" Then Lyssa explains what happened because she's a writer's best friend. It's always good to have a character that knows everything so you can keep your main character up-to-date on all the stupid shit you want him to know about but that he could never have any way of knowing. Unless, of course, he leaves a television running in the background to alert him to only very specific breaking news that furthers the plot of his life.

Also some people who weren't wearing rings were abducted like Guy Gardner and...well, like Guy Gardner.

I'm not a fan of the Green Lantern Corps as a department of authoritarian fascists who think that some kind of Universal Law can be applied across every planet in the universe no matter how different the various cultures might be. I do like them as cosmic EMTs who only interfere when they're called into a situation. I certainly don't think they're important enough that their disappearance would cause the universe to fall apart in some way. I like the idea that they might be out there to help planets being attacked by other planets or to help populations of planets going through severe droughts or having to deal with a dying star in their system. They should be about helping and kindness instead of policing and laws. The first story in Green Lantern Corps Quarterly #1 from 1992 has a Green Lantern trying to bring law to a planet of criminals where the visitors and residents understand exactly the kind of place Garnet is. This Lantern isn't there to help a populace subjugated by crime lords and intergalactic madmen. He's just there to tell them they can't run the planet this way because of his (or the Corps?) own Puritan ideals. It seems that everybody on planet knows the risks of living on Garnet, so maybe they should be left alone and seen as a frontier planet? Maybe the Green Lanterns should just set up warning signs around the planet for innocent passersby? But should they go in and ruin everybody's good time crime fun? I don't think so!

Please, Soranik. Lyssa didn't see Sinestro preventing the disappearance of the Green Lanterns, so how could they have prevented the disappearance of the Green Lanterns? You have a lot to learn about fate and destiny and lazy writing!

I wish Lyssa would have just spoiled the entire plot of the Lost Army at this moment! That would have turned me around on this entire comic book! It could have been the best moment of the year!

Sinestro tells Soranik that she is now a member of the Yellow Lanterns (or the Sinestro Corps. Whatever!) and that she will help them "create order where there has only been chaos. We can make the universe a better place." What does "order" even mean on a scale so big? Isn't the universe as orderly as it's going to get due to following universal laws? Or does he mean he's going to institute a Universal Curfew with strict noise compliance laws? Having so many different species and cultures seems pretty chaotic, right? So I guess the first order of business is to winnow down the number of aliens. Maybe destroy all interstellar ships because having aliens mixing with other aliens is the definition of chaos! I mean, it could be! It's not the exact Oxford English Dictionary definition!

You know, I don't think Sinestro cares about order at all! I think he just wants to be in control of everything! He's a fascist!

Soranik figures they've probably talked long enough about her conversion to Yellow Lanterness, so she brings up the traitor. That causes Sinestro to wander away to consider his plan for keeping New Korugar from exploding.

The reactor begins to blow while Sinestro refuses to evacuate the Korugarians. Bekka follows him around telling him he really needs to save his people but she refuses to save them herself. She also refuses to leave his Sinestro Corps even though she feels like he's using her for her strength in battle. I guess she realizes she has no real plot of her own and her only importance is how she relates to Sinestro. So she sticks close to him because being an accessory is better than not being in the comic book at all, I guess.

Sinestro makes sure everybody now knows that the planet is about to blow up and that he's going to save it. He then releases Parallax into the core of the planet to save the day. Everybody then uses their Yellow Rings to make confetti for Sinestro's Hero Parade. And then the spectators all run screaming from the horribly scary confetti drifting through the sky.

It turns out Lyssa arranged the meltdown because Lyssa saw that she was going to arrange the meltdown. What could she do? Her hands were tied! She also hoped that Sinestro would allow the planet to explode with his fellow Korugarians on it so that he wouldn't have anything to distract him from his mission to control the universe. Although since Sinestro used Parallax to stop the planet from exploding, she must have seen that Sinestro would release Parallax to stop the planet from exploding so she must have rigged the planet to explode so that Sinestro would abandon Parallax. Or something. It's really hard to figure out the motivations of a character who can see the future and is then helpless to change that future. I think Lyssa just shrugs and follows the script because why bother pretending you have free will when your lack of free will is staring you right in the face every single day. At least as human beings, we get to pretend that we have free will because we can't see the future. If I knew I was going to type this sentence, I totally wouldn't have typed this sentence. But since I didn't know I was going to, I did! It would have sucked if I knew I was going to type it and still couldn't stop myself from typing it. What a horrible life omniscient creatures like God and Allah and Oracle must lead.

She's only asking because, earlier, she saw in the future that she was going to ask this.

Sinestro murders a few of his Corps because they were dumb enough to be used as patsies. He then sends his Corps out to "protect" the universe after which he kisses Lyssa because she's there, I guess.

Sinestro #13 Rating: No change. Aren't villains supposed to be more fascinating than heroes? Then how come Hal Jordan is way more interesting than Sinestro? And I don't even like Hal Jordan! This really should be a mini-series. Sinestro needs a story arc because this is only interesting if he rises up, overreaches, and falls. But as an open-ended series, how does one accomplish that? As the main character of the book, how do you keep readers interested in a character that should ultimately be failing in his goals? Unless he's going to do such a good job that Hal Jordan returns and they embrace and share a beer and become Truest Friends without the Most Hated Enemies part!

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