Sunday, February 16, 2014

The Phantom Stranger #16

Hopefully this cover means Etrigan is on his way.

First off, Wii Fit is a little bitch. Fuck that knob-gobbling piece of shit (no offense to knob-gobblers! Blessed are the gobblers of knobs and the munchers of rugs!)! So I hooked up the Wii Fit a few days ago because I wanted to remember what it was like to sweat and I prefer not to do anything in public where I might actually have to interact with human beings. So it weighs me on the first day and tests my balance and all that bullshit. Then on the second day, it weighs me again and says I've lost two pounds. It then goes on to say that weight often fluctuates by about two pounds every day so be sure to weigh yourself at the same time each day! As if I eat and shit on a strict schedule. So then it weighed me again today and I was up one and a half pounds from yesterday. Which I figure is part of that two pound fluctuation. But does the Wii Fit say "You know, weight often fluctuates by up to two pounds!" today? No! The fucking Wii Fit says, "Why the fuck did you get so fat, fatty?" And then it brings up a list of reasons to choose from so it can shame me on my choices! And was one of those choices, "I did everything right so it must be that fluctuation thing you told me about"? Fuck no! It was all "Snacking" and "Eating too much" and "Being a gross pig" and "Lazy bastard" and "I eat like a fucking monster." Fuck you, Wii Fit! Although I did have to admit that my snacking was a problem the past two days since the Mother-in-Common-Law sent a big box of Valentine's Day cookies.

I should record my comic book reviews and release them as podcasts for people who don't have three minutes of free time to read them. People like listening to shit and exerting no effort for their entertainment, right? I think that was one of Wii Fit's choices as to why I'm so Goddamned fat: "Cannot bring myself to spend calories on reading and can only hit play button with long stick from lying position in pool of congealed lard."

This issue begins with John Constantine in a straight jacket in The House of Mystery. I don't know why that is and it causes a bit of anxiety that maybe I missed a Forever Evil: Blight issue somewhere along the line! Blight had just been defeated and Chris the Babysitter had become Chris the Redeemer. Constantine could feel Zatanna and the other magic users being held by The Crime Syndicate in some thing called a Thaumaton. Perhaps that's why he went crazy? I hope the story explains itself fairly quickly because I hate reading comic books with that nagging sense I should know what's happening but possibly don't because of my memory. The whole reason for this blog was to never feel that feeling again!

Oh, thank you, Nightmare Nurse! You have cured me of my crippling anxiety!

While Constantine is out, Justice League Dark doesn't have much to do. He's the one that knows where they need to go next. Now they just have to kill time until he regains his sanity and can tell them where to go. I don't know how Pandora and the Swamp Thing are filling the long stretches until they can get back to work but I kind of hope they're doing what The Phantom Stranger and Nightmare Nurse are.

Even the House wants them to fuck. Speaking of fucking and The House of Mystery, does it ever get laid? Does it pound its chimney into The House of Secret's backdoor? Is it weird that I'd pay good money to watch that porn?

Instead of Nightmare Nurse getting a little Phantom Stranger, they decide to take a trip into Constantine's mind. The Phantom Stranger totally pusses out because he has (mocking trill in my voice) a wife and family. Sure, they're dead and they weren't really his wife and family anyway but he still uses it as the excuse for why he can't hoist the mainsail. I think that's bullshit. I bet kissing Christ ruined The Phantom Stranger for every other person in existence. Where do you go after that? I suppose where you go is second base with Christ but the fucking Romans ruined the moment. Garden of Gethsemane? More like the Garden of GetSomeIfYouKnowWhatIMean!

Meanwhile Pandora, Deadman, Swamp Thing, and Zauriel aren't going to be any help if they can't even ascribe the speech bubbles to the proper speakers.

The Phantom Stranger remembers an episode of Degrassi Junior High he once saw where Caitlin thinks she might be a lesbian and that she's in love with her English teacher and that maybe her English teacher loves her back because she gives her good grades and she winds up having sex dreams about her teacher. And then The Phantom Stranger realizes that isn't going to help in this situation, so he tricks John into fighting his own demons and Constantine drives away the madness. And they all lived happily ever after for the next five minutes as John got dressed. And then they got back to work looking for Zatanna and the other magic users. I hope they don't find Madame Xanadu. God I hate that barn owl.

The group realizes The Crime Syndicate's evil little plan is taking place in Nanda Parbat because that's the first place that anybody would have guessed they were holed up doing their little magic experiments. No, maybe the second place. My first guess would have been San Francisco, possibly Berkeley. Nanda Parbat would have been my second guess. But for the magic loving freaks of the DC Universe, this is where they would have picked if they weren't busy with all that making shitty plans fighting Blight business. If they had just sat down at a table with some Earl Grey and biscuits to discuss the matter calmly, one of them would have said, "If I were a mega-evil bunch of dopplegangers from a mirror world, where would I go to most effectively use the magicians I've kidnapped?" And Constantine would have snapped his fingers and pointed at Swamp Thing and, in unison, they would have said, "Nanda ParliamentofTreesbat!" And Swamp Thing would have said alone, "Oh yeah. Your answer makes more sense. They're probably in Nanda Parbat." And so that's where The Phantom Stranger takes them with his Mysterious Ways Power.

Fuck you, Zauriel! Like The Phantom Stranger wants this fucking bullshit power crap anyway! He's only been trying to figure out how to lose this job for 2000 years! And now you tell him all he had to do was abuse his heavenly expense account?! No problem!

John's plan now rests on Deadman's shoulders. As The Sea King, he's able to walk up to the front door and ask nicely to be let inside to take a look at the project. And everybody is supposed to say, "Oh hey! You were dead and shit but this isn't weird at all! Come on up!"

Felix Faust and Nick Necro are fucking chimps. I mean chumps! Damn typo! Now I'm picturing Faust with his dick in an ape's ass as it howls away and jerks off Nick Necro's dick painted like a banana.

As Sea King is let inside, the rest of The Justice League Dark follow invisibly after. Success!

The Phantom Stranger #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. I don't have time to say how much I enjoyed this comic book because I have to get ready for work now. If only I had a patron to support me, I wouldn't be leaving this end statement half finished.

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