Swamp Thing #28

Why are you asking me, Comic Book? Sorry to get all actually on everyone but this should read, "At long last -- who Capucine is!" Or would that be "whom Capucine is!"? Never mind. I'm revoking my own actually and turning in my nerd card due to my lack of confidence in being right, facts be damned.

Capucine has just kind of been hanging out waiting for the Swamp Thing to not be so busy or so dead because she needs sanctuary. She's lucky she's been able to protect herself so far! I'm not so certain she needs the Swamp Thing. Although I don't really know her whole story, so I should probably shut up and just listen. Especially now that my nerd card has been revoked! I don't have to obsessively interject my own opinions and lame jokes that nobody ever laughs at but they stall the conversation just enough for everyone to feel awkward empathy for my horrendous social skills.

But before Swamp Thing finds out what Capucine's fucking problem is and why she won't fucking stop trying to tag along everywhere he goes, he has to deal with the three naked people he brought forth from the Green when he put the entire place into an endless winter. One of those people is Lady Weeds and she's naked and now I'm engorged! No, no! I'm not. I thought she was lovely as a plant. Now she's just...just...a woman.

The Wolf is also naked but he makes me the opposite of engorged. Disgorged? Oh, I know! Desiccate! He desiccates my penis!

The Wolf also looked much better as a plant which is something I probably didn't need to say since I already said that thing about my penis withering. The only person that looks better as a human is the one called Brother Jonah whom Swamp Thing met when he needed to know whether or not "Sanctuarium Folium Viride" actually meant "I stepped in alligator shit." I don't remember him because he looked like an Avatar probably. So I guess I can't really say he looks better! But I can say he looks like he might need a forty two year old white man to polish his cock with something soft and tongue-like. Can I say that? Am I allowed to say that? If I'm not allowed to say that, you'd tell me, right?

I do like how Brother Jonah is balding so as to simulate a friar's tonsure. Although he gives Swamp Thing a bro handshake so maybe he means "Brother Jonah" as in Brotha Jonah? Or maybe monks shake that way since I know nothing about the lifestyle of a monk and have very little in common with them except for the excessive chastity. He and Swamp Thing hit it off which is good because Brother Jonah knows about Capucine's Sweet Sanctuary Deal (I think! That's what all that Viride shit was about, right?), so he can become Swamp Thing's naked sidekick.

Lady Weeds slips away because she's awesome and I can't wait for her to return as the super bad-ass villain that destroys Swamp Thing and takes over the world and kisses me in the nether regions tonight while I'm "preparing" for bed. Man, that was one sexy plant! Actually, according to my next scan, she also makes one sexy mammal as well!

Oh! She didn't slip too far away! She just had a strong desire to immediately strangle something phallic.

Swamp Thing purposefully saved Brother Jonah and The Wolf but Lady Weeds somehow hitchhiked along with them on the way out of The Green. Now Swamp Thing must figure out what to do with three naked adults that know nothing of living in the modern world. The fact that they all speak English so well is a good start, I suppose. Alec needs to find Capucine because he doesn't want to be responsible for yet another DC Cover being a complete, bald-faced lie. But they don't want to just sit around his moldy old swamp mansion waiting for him to bring them the things they'll need to survive. They want to experience a little of the world before being stranded in the middle of a swamp. In an effort to exhaust them so they'll obey him and go to bed on time, he decides to take them to Mardi Gras where Alec can let his true colors fly.

Who knew he longed to be so colorful?

After their outing, The Swamp Thing returns them to the mansion with Brother Jonah as their babysitter because he seems trustworthy. For some reason. Maybe when somebody tells you to call them "brother" anything, it makes them seem like a guy you can count on. Then Alec heads out to find Capucine who, according to the cover and the title ("Salting the Earth"), must be hiding in Utah. I suppose the Salt Flats are the best place to hide from Avatars of The Green Gone Wild. It's also a great place to possibly catch sight of The Flash.

I'm half right! She's apparently in a part of the Bonneville Salt Flats that are in Nevada. Well, la dee dah, Charles Soule. You know more about the stupid salt flats than I do! Well did you know they were created due to tons of drying dinosaur urine? Yeah, I bet you didn't. Jerko.

Swamp Thing finds Capucine but she blows the shit out of him with a rocket propelled grenade because she's also a jerko. Also because she doesn't want to get killed by The Seeder. Luckily for The Swamp Thing, he's able to regrow a body from a piece of carrot lodged in a dead rabbit's teeth. Capucine isn't quite as nervous facing off against a tiny little Swamp Thing, so she lets him speak to her. She believes it's the real deal and then she finally tells her story. Actually, Swamp Thing finally decides to listen to her story. She's been trying to tell it to him for six or seven months!

Capucine was born on the isle of Mont St. Michel which may be one of the few places on my list of places I desperately want to visit. Desperately as in "It would seem cool." My version of desperate must be viewed on a curve. Middle class white male American desperate versus, you know, pretty much every other desperate should probably be categorized more as "a lark."

The monks of Mont St. Michel were tired of nations fighting over their island. They just wanted their abbey to be left in peace. So they made a deal with a man that looked somewhat like Jason Blood. What they gave him, Capucine did not know. But what they got in return was an elixir to give three young children the gifts of speed and strength and longevity. She was one of these children and she would protect the monks for hundreds of years to come. Eventually she and her brother and the other child were forced to serve France and its kings for centuries. Eventually, Capucine was the last one left (left alive? Or just left in service to the King? She does not say) until the French Revolution when the king was killed and she was free from her oath. Since then, she has been doing the David Banner thing and wandering the world, helping townsfolk and, sometimes, hurting them. It all depended on what she was supposed to learn during that night's episode and whether or not it was sweeps week.

And then she tells Swamp Thing who she needs Sanctuary from:

Yay!

Apparently Jason Blood's deal with the monks was that one of the children would be used as Etrigan's vessel after they died. Was this the only way Jason Blood knew how to get rid of Etrigan? He had to make a deal where he'd be stuck with The Demon for another thousand years? I suppose he still had a thousand years to figure out how to break his tie with the demon if he could. At least he now knew it would end eventually! Although it seems to have ended some time ago (six hundred years, maybe? I forget what the timeline was of Etrigan being buried under London before he was recently freed by Stormwatch where he took a new host) since Blood no longer seemed to be associated with Etrigan when Etrigan was last seen in Stormwatch.

Alec promises to defend Capucine's body from Etrigan when she finally dies. So I guess she'll be living at the mansion as well! That place is going to get crowded.

Really crowded!

Swamp Thing #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Lady Weeds is free so that means this was a good comic book. And Etrigan has become part of the plot which also means this was a good comic book. Any other reasons that make this a good comic book are superfluous.