Thursday, February 27, 2014

Harley Quinn #3

This comic book should be rated Teen Plus simply for making the focal point of the cover Harley's vagina.

Last issue, Poison Ivy came for a visit and she and Harley stole a bunch of animals together and slept naked in the same bed. They also killed a man and fed him to Harley's new pets. But it was all in good fun and appropriate for teenagers of all ages and not just teenagers of the plus variety which I don't even know what that means. I hate ratings, especially these self-imposed ratings by companies they arbitrarily stick on their comics so the government and outraged mothers will get off of their backs. They're meaningless! If people really want ratings that have an effect on children, start rating children! Notice which kids are the bastards teaching the other kids naughty words or telling them that Santa doesn't exist and slap Teen Plus Ratings on those bastards! The best way to identify which kids are going to corrupt the other kids is by checking if they have older siblings. If they do, they're going to be trouble! Elementary schools should have separate classes and recess time for kids with older siblings and kids without. You'll always be able to tell the 3rd grade class with older siblings because they'll be playing craps behind the school, cursing at every die roll as they pass around candy cigarettes and apple juice hooch.

Today is Valentine's Day (in the comic. I'm not that senile) and Harley is missing The Joker's face. But that's not going to stop her from getting cleaned up and hitting the town to find some cute guy that's not trying to kill her.

Who doesn't keep a stack of toasters by the tub?

I hope DC Editorial will give Conner and Palmiotti first dibs at the next return of The Joker for this book. Although I don't know what Joker is going to do for a face in his next appearance. Maybe The Joker is the one who put out the hit on Harley. Just for fun, you know? Or maybe he wants her face? It's a nice face! I'd take it if I didn't already have a face. Or maybe The Joker will use the skin from her chest as his new face and look out of her nipples? What would that comic book be rated? DYST+: Disturbing Yet Strangely Titillating Plus?

I think I'm finally glad that nobody ever reads my commentaries and thinks, "I'm going to draw that!"

Masturbation jokes are my bread and butter. Also, bread and butter is good for masturbation.

Harley believes the best thing to do on Valentine's Day is to eat some hallucinogenic berries left behind by Poison Ivy and head out to a single's bar. To be fair, the berry plant was marked with a hastily scrawled post-it note that said, "For love." Fun Fact: Davy Jones of The Monkees Fame did not invent the Post-it note.

I just created a recipe that you might want to try as an appetizer for your next big party: Goldfish Crackers on Cheez-its. Delicious! If you want to get really fancy, try sticking the Goldfish to the Cracker with a dollop of Ranch Dressing. Incidentally, I hate Ranch Dressing (and most salad dressings actually) but I know all of you American fatties just love it on everything! Ranch with Ranch (and maybe a side of Mayo) is the rallying cry of the American Stomach.

Apparently Harley's berries cause her hair to emit an aroma of pink hearts which causes Correction Officers to fall in love with her and crash the busload of dangerous criminals they're driving around, allowing the criminals to get free. That's a really complex evolutionary trait for a berry to display! Poison Ivy is really good at what she does!

A-ha! The Berry makes the consumer smell like whatever the smeller of the smell truly loves! Also more masturbation humor with that lotion guy! I just made a masturbation/lotion joke in my Batman and Robin Annual #2 commentary! It did not involve me masturbating to Robin, you perv. Maybe if I had made that joke in Worlds' Finest Annual #1!

Harley Quinn soon finds herself in a wacky chase that could easily end in a comedy gangbang. It would have to be a comedy gangbang because this comic book is all about cartoon violence. I bet Harley is really dreading that "my vagina is a clown car" joke she made way back in an early issue of Suicide Squad! To prevent the worst Valentine's Day date ever, Harley breaks into DC's Version of Home Depot to find a weapon. I rarely set foot into stores like Home Depot so I don't know if they sell over-sized mallets.

Harley puts the "propane shrapnel bomb" in vagina. If you spell vagina "vapropaneginshrapnelabomb."

A lot of construction themed puns and death ensue. You got your "Dweeb-Whacker" and your "propane in your ass" and your "nail you to the wall" and you have "a piece of my sweet axe." Those were the puns and not the death! Although death is the result of each of those puns, so maybe puns and death are interchangeable.

There's also this one pun where the final violent sex criminal is lying on his back and Harley is straddling him with her vagina right over his heart and he says she's "warming the cockles" of his heart. That's sex-talk, right? So she brains him with a wrench but she doesn't say anything witty like, "This should tighten your nuts!" Unless that's not witty. Maybe she could have said, "I'm done monkeying around!" Or, "The doctor said to take one wrench and call the funeral director in the morning to schedule your services because you're dead from the wrench the doctor prescribed and I hit you with!"

So Harley kills them all and goes outside to be confronted by a policewoman.

I bet there's either a "smells like doughnuts" joke or a "smells like beaver" joke coming up!

I was really hoping for the beaver joke.

Harley runs home, slingshots the love berries into the seal pool at the zoo (I'm glad we won't be seeing the comic book about the next visitors to check out the seals), and finally decides that romance is stupid. Except of course with The Joker! I'm sure she'd still love to sit on his face. If anyone can find it.

Harley Quinn #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. It's just whimsical, wacky fun with large doses of brutal violence! But then so was Looney Tunes! Heck, Looney Tunes even had the same near rape theme every time they ran a Pepé Le Pew cartoon.

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