Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Earth 2 Annual #2

Yeah, revealed by the solicits and then by people that read the solicits to people that don't want to fucking know until they actually read the reveal in the story which is why they don't read any of the fucking solicits.

Fuck me. Here we go! Another annual. Let's make his quick. I have semen to eat and cookies to expel. Hmm. Strike that. Reverse it.

The issue begins in 1979 which is when Bruce Wayne lost his parents in that alley when he was a kid. And since everybody knows that story, I don't have to explain that I didn't mean he misplaced them. They were killed. Murdered. Shot right through their stupid faces. From that day on, Bruce swore to fight a never ending battle for truth, justice, and the American Way!

Fifteen years later, Batman finds himself standing next to the man that murdered his parents. The man is dead and in the Gotham Morgue but Batman is standing there on the phone with Alfred pointing out that he fucking knows what he fucking saw when he was a fucking kid, Alfred, so why don't you fucking get off his fucking back, hanh?! Batman doesn't know who killed Joe Chill or any of the previous victims linked to the Falcone Crime Family recently murdered in the same way. But pretty soon he'll probably discover it was his brother Thomas that had survived severe brain damage from a car accident when he was just a toddler and later flew into space with Deed Dichards and doused in Gamma Rays which caused him to have super strength which he would use to avenge all the wrongs ever perpetrated on the Wayne Family and eventually become Replacement Batman after his brother died in the war against Apokolips! Right. Are we done here?

Oh wait. That was Owlman's origin. Minus the Deed Dichard's space travel bullshit. Maybe I should read the comic to learn about Replacement Batman's actual origin.

Doesn't Alfred make everything sound that way? "Your tea, Sir."

Batman interrogates Frankie Falcone and finds out that his father Thomas once saved Frankie's life. He also discovers that the only connection Frankie is aware of between the murdered Falcone Crime Family members and Joe Chill is Thomas Wayne. Frankie goes on to mention that Thomas met Martha because of him. So far, it looks like Batman owes his very existence to Frankie Falcone! Unless he actually owes it to himself because I'm sure he's going to go back in time later to make sure that his father meets his mother as Bruce pretends to be Jim Morrison (Earth 2 version that fucked up his career by living past 1971) at the party where Tommy and Mary meet.

One corrupt thing led to another and Thomas eventually tried to distance himself from Frankie's crime syndicate. But Frankie didn't like that, so he had some boys beat the shit out of Thomas. But they got the shit beat out of them by Jarvis, Alfred's father, because the butler is always the most interesting character in a comic book. And since Jarvis stopped Wayne's beating, Frankie sent Joe Chill to deliver a different kind of message. And so Earth 2 Batman became a more stable super hero than New Earth Batman because his parents were killed in a conspiracy instead of a random event. Trust me, it makes it better somehow. Closure or something.

Also Batman learns that his father is still alive and killing he people that killed Martha. So getting to know his dad might have calmed him down some.

The Batman in Flashpoint was also Thomas Wayne, Bruce's father, so this is a nice bit of parallel to that world. I just hope that Earth 2 becomes as crazy as Flashpoint Earth! Although Injustice might be that comic book already. I wouldn't know since I haven't been reading that. But Replacement Batman shooting The Joker in the face makes a lot of sense now.

While New Earth Batman needed his parents' death to make sense, Earth 2 Batman reacts in the opposite way. He became what he became to stop random crime and senseless deaths. But his parents had an active role in what happened to them. They were paying for their crimes. Perhaps Bruce is simply depressed from a life of pain and trauma and can't deal with any version of his parents' death because they still were not in his life. Here is his father, not dead after all! Back in his life and Bruce is not happy because his father still abandoned him. And abandoning Bruce needlessly, with all the Wayne resources, is far worse than if his father had actually died. But the best part is how Thomas was getting his super strength!

Never mind all the emotional crap! Thomas stole Miraclo from Rex Mason! Hopefully that means Rex went on to become an adventuring archaeologist since his career as Sixty Minute Man was terminated by Thomas before it began.

And that's Thomas Wayne's story. After Batman's death, he became Replacement Batman to help save his soul. And maybe the world as a possible side effect. And that's the story he tells to Red Tornado and Hawkwoman because he wants them to trust him if they're going to work together. And the best way to earn somebody's trust is to tell them what kind of a prick you once were because then they know you'll tell them anything! Thomas still has to use Miraclo because he's a sixty-five year old Batman. But he's not worried about what anyone else thinks at this point. He just wants to feel better about himself and his past choices but he can't so he remains an addict that feels like he deserves to die save the world.

Is this Lex Luthor and Lana Lang with a baby of their own? Who will that turn out to be?

Earth 2 Annual #2 Rating: I think I'm being just the right amount of hyperbolic when I say I love the idea of sixty-five year old Thomas Wayne using Miraclo to be Replacement Batman on Earth 2. Also the fact that Rex Mason is out there somewhere. He'd be old too unless he became Metamorpho and stopped aging at some point. I hope he did!

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