Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Superman #27

Why does Lois have an IV hooked into her breast?

It's about time Lois gets her psychic powers taken away from her. I'm not sure what idiotic editors heard Scott Lobdell pitch an idea where Lois Lane becomes psychic so that she can be the greatest reporter in the world (thus cheapening her actual accomplishment as one of the greatest reporters in the world using normal means) but they were idiots. Hmm, did I already cover that? Maybe I should have thought more about that sentence construction. I suppose they came to their senses and realized what a bad idea it was, telling Lobdell he needed to fix it before the new creative team took over this book and made it interesting.

Let me reiterate before I go on to repeat myself over and over about how much Lobdell sucks at writing comic books: Superman has had 27 issues now and none of them have been interesting or worthy of the character. Confusing. Awful. Bullshit. Archaic. None of the various writers seemed to know how to tell a good Superman story. The best Superman story of The New 52 so far was in All Star Western #27. Now that fucker acted like the way I'd expect him to. Patient. Kind. Looking to help out however he can. And also willing to step away from a situation instead of forcing himself on another person's life that didn't need his help. That was a Superman I can respect.

Anyway, at the end of last issue, Lois Lane was getting her energy siphoned off by Parasite. This issue begins with Superman saving her in two pages. But Parasite has already taken a nice big bite of Lois's psionic power, so she's out of it and he's into it.

I'd rather just read a story about a day in the life of Joshua Allen Michael before he became Parasite. He seemed much more interesting than this monster that shouts horribly bad one-liners.

Here we see the subtle finesse of Scott Lobdell handling his characters. Superman choosing, once again, to use his fists over his brains, and The Parasite saying one stupid fucking thing after another. It's elegant in its laziness.

You wouldn't be surprised if I said it gets worse, would you?

It gets worse.

Jonathon blows up a tank of oxygen by shooting it at point blank range. This does nothing except force Superman to grab Jonathon and save his ass. He takes him to Lois where The Parasite (remember how I said the explosion does nothing?) appears instantaneously. Maybe not instantaneously. Superman did have a moment to lie to Jonathon and say that he has no idea why the Parasite is after Lois. So when the Parasite arrives, it just happens to point out that Lois is psychic and Superman must obviously know that because Jonathon needs to hear that Superman just lied to him and what more trusted source than the monster trying to kill everyone? All of that leads to this fucking ridiculous stupid piece of shit-I-wish-I-knew-more-fucking-swear-words moment:

Oh, fuck you, Jonathon, and your paper thin, sensitive fucking feelings. You twat. You berry picker. You old crusty yellow cumstain.

Meanwhile, Cat proves to the world that she's no fucking Lois Lane.

"Clarkcatropolis.com! We get the news. We give it you!" Who writes their copy? Frankenstein, Tonto, and Tarzan?

Note she also fucking stumbles on an earlier sentence as well. Perhaps she should hire somebody to do the press conferences since Cat can get a little tongue-tied. Oh! Maybe this is just a sly reference to Cat's dream on Red Dwarf!

After Cat heads back to her office, Morgan Edge breaks into it and offers her thirteen million dollars for her company. Oh, in cash by the way. Which isn't too suspect or weird in any way at all. I would have immediately dropped my offer by two million dollars after pointing out how idiotic she sounded speaking to the press and how shit like that can lose shit tons of investor cash.

A shit ton is a very precise measure equaling 4.2 million corrupt dollars that have yet to be laundered.

After that scene in which Cat will not sell because she's an idiot (unless she does sell since that's part of cleaning the slate for the next creative team!), Lobdell gives us a single page of Sam Lane in DC where a shadowy figure asks him, quite ominously, what he knows about...THE TOWER! So that's two issues in a row now where Lobdell tries to build up some excitement for some shitty story that he hadn't figured out by the time he wrote this. And hopefully it never gets sorted before he's off this title.

Meanwhile Clark is proving that he's not going to be any better at speaking to the press on Clarkcatropolis.com's behalf.

"Pisonic"? Is Parasite just making everyone stupid?

Now that Superman has beaten the shit out of Parasite because Parasite must have made himself stupid as well and he forgot to suck off Superman and steal his strength, Superman is contemplating using Parasite to cure Lois of her psychic powers. Sure, Parasite could easily kill her. But Lois is the fucking asshole that threatened to expose his secret identity for her own glory as a newshound. What kind of a best friend is she? Jimmy Olsen wouldn't do that to you, Clark!

Don't be a dick, Supes.

Superman allows Parasite to feed off of Lois and the power overwhelms The Parasite, knocking him unconscious. Jonathon says, "Dude!" And Superman goes, "Suck it!" And Lois is all, "Now boys!" And everybody lived happily ever after.

Except Jonathon is bitter and angry at Superman for risking Lois's life and Superman is all guilty and ashamed for risking Lois's life to save his secret identity and Lois probably wouldn't fucking give a shit so these two assholes might as well just forget the whole thing. Plus I think Superman walks away from the scene leaving The Parasite to later gain consciousness and go on another rampage.

Finally, Helspont gets a message that he hasn't been humiliated and underused enough in The New 52, so he should probably get right back on that horse and go take a few more kicks to the balls.

Superman #27 Rating: No change. Poor Superman must be so tired of sucking ass in his own title. You know the biggest travesty?! I'm paying 25% off cover price for these comic books to comment on them in a fairly timely manner when they're going to be overflowing the Quarter Bins in just a few years! I'm investing backwards!

No comments:

Post a Comment