Friday, February 21, 2014

Kittens Getting Fucked Nasty #12

If DC isn't going to take this comic seriously, why neither am I!

The Justice League of America has now spent half of its issues with most of them lost somewhere and Stargirl running about in some kind of fake environment with Martian Manhunter. So this is where I'd usually continue with the what happened last issue segment but I don't care what happened last issue. I don't care what happened two issues ago. I don't care what has happened at any point of time during this comic book's run. I think. It's hard to remember when you obliterate every day with a steady dose of PCP.

Let's just pretend this comic book is a one shot and move on with our lives.

The issue begins with Stargirl remembering a memory she can't forget but one she's been refusing to completely remember for quite a number of issues now. I mean, if this story hadn't just started in this single issue one shot! Apparently some shit went down that was so shitty that she thinks she's too young to not want to remember it. You know, just like all those kids drafted to fight in Vietnam. But at least Stargirl had a choice to put on the uniform and fight. She had a choice which fight to fight as well! And now she's choosing to fight some more because she's tired of Amanda Waller just using her for press conferences. I'm pretty sure I inferred that from the story so far.

She's been making fun of an awful lot of people so far. In previous Star Girl appearances (probably also One Shots!), she's cracked wise about Clayface's appearance and Martian Manhunter's too! What a sassy little missy!

Stargirl escapes drowning because she remembers the memory she's trying been trying to forget that she wants to not forget to remember. It has something to do with finding something at her old house after meeting her first super villain.

Meow? Me-OW! Mrrrrrow? Pffft! Pffft! Me...ow? Puuuuurrrrrrr. Puuurrrrrrr! Me-me-me-MEOW!

Stop it! Knock it off! Get out of here, you stupid kittens! Nobody is fucking kittens in this commentary! That title was a joke! It was just showing how little I care know what? No. I'm not explaining it to a bunch of imaginary, horny kittens! I have to mention how Despero flew off because he was satisfied that he had killed J'onn and Stargirl but then he came right back to stomp on J'onn again!

Martian Manhunter finally begins to realize that he and Stargirl are being manipulated by Despero. They probably escaped Firestorm and then had to be contained in some other illusory world, so Despero was brought in as a contractor for the Crime Syndicate. Or maybe The Crime Syndicate needs some information that Stargirl and Martian Manhunter have, so they were kept separate from Firestorm's Slash Fiction Matrix? But just knowing that he's being manipulated like a kitten, it doesn't help him beat Despero. I think he needs for Stargirl to forget about not remembering the thing she forgot so that she remembers to forget to not remember it.

How do you break the bone of a guy that can take the shape of anything? Like possibly the shape of a guy with no broken bones maybe?

Stargirl arrives to find J'onn smashed on the ground, dying. But he's dying slowly enough to tell Stargirl a fable about a Martian hero that sacrificed his life for no reason to save the lives of other Martians. Because he was pinned to a rock by an evil beast but the beast was pinned too. So he left it to die with him stuck to the rock. Although, being a Martian, I'm pretty sure he could have shapeshifted away from the tusks that had impaled him to the rock. Maybe they impaled his shapeshifting gland! There are too many holes in that story to be true! I think it's like the story of Jesus. It's just meant to make people buy into an institution that keeps the power and wealth in a few limited, manipulative hands.

J'onn sends Stargirl away so that he can die without her weeping and wailing over him. She heads to Los Angeles to find Firestorm as J'onn was hoping because he's probably beginning to realize that they're both inside some kind of simulation. Or something. It's either a simulation or it's a terrible story. Just like J'onn's stupid Martian parable about the warrior kid and the great evil beast.

Stargirl finally remembers the end of her memory and that's that her little brother was killed or kidnapped by the dark super villain that was her first nemesis. Maybe it was her little brother? Or maybe it was Sylvester Pemberton? It's hard to say since her memory isn't very clearly explicated. It's just kind of a mom saying "Your little brother" and her step-dad saying "It isn't your fault" and Courtney saying "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" But that makes as much sense as Courtney failing to stop Firestorm going nuclear while she distracts Despero for some reason leading to Evil being defeated. Perhaps it's because Stargirl believed she could save the day which caused Despero to believe she could save the day which distracted Despero's mind away from Martian Manhunter who is only pretending to die so that Despero will think he's dead and not stop Martian Manhunter from stopping Firestorm from exploding.

Unless it winds up being something else. I'm a Master Comic Book Reader of the North Wind and I'm confused!

Justice League of America #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I don't really know what's going on here. I suppose I could be reading it as literally as it is presenting itself and believe Stargirl and J'onn actually did escape the Firestorm prison. Or maybe only Stargirl escaped and J'onn has merely been telepathically linked to her. Perhaps Despero was needed to keep Martian Manhunter trapped inside Firestorm. But now that Stargirl has distracted Despero, he will be able to free himself and the others from Firestorm. So Stargirl's journey is real but Martain Manhunter has been in her head the entire time. That's the most sense I can make of this comic book and that actually doesn't sound quite so bad as I've been making it out to be. But I'm still going to give it a -2 Ranking because this comic has probably been the weakest of all the Forever Evil tie-ins so far. It just feels like it's biding its time until the overall Narrative gets to a point where the JLA are needed to participate.


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