Thursday, February 6, 2014

Justice League Dark #27

Who the fuck cares? The Sins have been utterly useless up until this point.

Last issue, Justice League Dark had realized that Chris the Babysitter couldn't be saved. At least Constantine thinks he realized that. The rest of the soft-hearted fools still think he can be saved. They've been listening to Gandalf again, haven't they? Gandalf is pro letting evil jerks live! And just because he was right in that one instance that saved the world, it doesn't mean his theory holds true across other situations.

If God can work in mysterious ways, why can't we work in mysterious ways too? I want to be able to commit crimes and use the defense that "I work in mysterious ways!" The judge should nod knowingly while sticking out his lower lip in contemplation of a well-told defense, and then he can instruct the jury to take into account that the defendant "works in mysterious ways" when deliberating. Why does God get to be special? Aren't we made in his image?

I was walking past a Carrera yesterday (it's a car!) and thought, "Cool! I want to drive a Gamera!" And then I reread the name and thought, "Stupid lousy font."

Is that enough rambling? Should I read the comic book now?

So anyway, things weren't going well at the end of Pandora #7.

Fight evil with evil? Does that mean...ETRIGAN?!

Zauriel, The Phantom Stranger, and Pandora have all faked their deaths again! Now they're inside of Blight searching for Hope. By Hope I mean Chris Esperanza just like I've meant it in every fucking Forever Evil: Blight commentary I've written! Try to keep up. What am I saying? Why should you keep up when I can't even keep up and I'm writing this shit? That's asking way too much of anybody. You know, asking someone to pay attention to something that's not about themselves. Oh! I bet that's why my only Follower is me!

Since The Phantom Stranger and Pandora and the Angel are resorting to an old plan, John decides to do the same thing. Once again, Swamp Thing and Deadman hit the front lines as distractions while he and the Nightmare Nurse make a little magic. If you know what I mean.

No, seriously. See? That's what I meant!

Constantine and The Nightmare Nurse give birth to their most vile thoughts and deeds. Blight versions of themselves are released into the world to battle Blight. This might be a case of introducing an invasive species into a non-native environment for the sole purpose of rooting out another invasive species. It's definitely not the plan I was hoping for! You know the one. The one where Nightmare Nurse drunk dials Etrigan and says, "Hey babe. We've got a situation. And you owe me, like, ten thousand or something. Can you Gone Gone The Form of Man your way over here? Thanks! Kisses!"

Meanwhile deep inside Blight's bloated belly, Zauriel stops Pandora and The Stranger from freeing Hope because, as Zauriel says, Hope isn't done yet. It needs to bake for another five to ten issues before it can emerge as a new Earthly Savior to save everybody on Earth. Hmm. Redundant!

Zauriel tells Pandora and The Stranger to follow their hearts while he battles Blight's inner defenses. Can't you be more clear? It's those fucking mysterious ways again, isn't it? Why does God even bother going through the motions if he's omniscient? Linear time must be so fucking boring for God. It's like sitting through Star Wars for the eleventh trillion time. I wonder how many times I've seen Star Wars? Has to be at least five.

Back in reality, John's beast-self is about to destroy Blight's host when The Nightmare Nurse's vile-self stops him. So, once again, Justice League Dark almost defeats Blight but somebody stops it from happening because they can't allow Chris the Babysitter to die. You know what? Fuck Chris the Babysitter! He died once already and was brought back to life! Just do that again! Unless it doesn't work that way. Maybe that's why Jesus Christ is never coming back! Because you only get one do-over! So forget about the Second Coming, people! Since technically the Second Coming would be the Third Coming. I think. The Bible is confusing.

But at least I understand enough of it to have realized that Chris the Babysitter was the Hope and the Light of Mankind. Just as The Phantom Stranger and Pandora finally realize when they awaken Chris with their love. Love is a synonym for genitalia, right?

I think this is the meaning of the Rainbow Connection! "The lovers! The Dreamers! And Chris! Babysitting all of us jerks! We know that he's probably a pedo!"

I also just understood why he was a babysitter! Because he's here to take care of all of us! And we're all babies in God's eyes! Except for me! I'm a man! With man feelings! Yeah yeah yeah!

And so Chris is free to redeem mankind. And since that's how I've been calling it for about twenty issues now, I've earned another level to my Comic Book Reader Class! I'm now a Master Comic Book Reader of Dragons!

And so, with Blight defeated, the psychic static clears and Constantine can once again feel Zatanna and the other magic users of the DC Universe. He knows where they are. They are cogs in The Thaumaton! That is θαυμάτων in proper Greek! Which means Wonderland! I think. Boy, I sure am wishy washy on everything I think I know!

Justice League Dark #27 Rating: No change! I went out to breakfast this morning and when I got home, a package was waiting for me from my mother. It had various surprises in it for Valentine's Day but this was the best one:

Yes, it's a pirated version she purchased from eBay. But fuck if you can find a legally purchased copy anywhere! She also sent me linguiça. Which is odd. But appreciated since I haven't had it in a very long time. My grandmother used to make it for me so it's a very special sausage. Shut up.

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