Sunday, February 2, 2014

Wonder Woman #27

Was it obnoxious that as a kid I used to sing "Wounded Woman!" to the Wonder Woman theme song?

If you haven't noticed by now with all of my variations on songs by sticking "Animal Man" in them and my different renditions of the Spider-Man Theme Song, I have this disease where I'm unable to sing the correct lyrics to songs. The Non-Certified Spouse finds it both amusing and frustrating, depending on how much she really wants to hear the song playing at the moment. One of my favorite lyric changes I came up with is to Bryan Adams "We're In Heaven."

"Baby you're all I want when you're lying here in my arms!
I'm finding it hard to believe you're just seven.
And love is all I need! And I found it there in your heart!
It isn't hard to see. You're just seven."

Okay, maybe that one is a tiny bit inappropriate and disgusting. But it still makes me giggle. The other one that makes me giggle like an idiot is to sing "Broken Arms" to Journey's "Open Arms." I'm pretty sure this is some form of Tourette's. I'm waiting for the proper medication to be advertised during Wheel of Fortune so I, and all the others that suffer with this problem, can be cured.

The story so far...Wonder Woman has been completely ignoring her personal life while she's busy cleaning up all the collateral damage caused by Zola fucking a truck driver that just happened to be Zeus disguised as a semi-truck driving man-pig. Any other friend would feel a little bit put out by now but Wonder Woman is such a sweet and compassionate killer that she doesn't mind. Plus it gives her a good excuse to walk out on Clark in the morning without having to have another boring conversation about goodness and light over badly cooked waffles and thick ass coffee.

Oh! Last issue's cover was just one month early! Now The First Born is taking that shit.

I just noticed that last month I wrote my Wonder Woman commentary on 1/1/2014 and today I'm writing it on 2/2/2014! I think that means something to people that believe in nonsense like numerology and Creationism.

Apollo is busy torturing The First Born because he's an idiot that should be more careful when it comes to prophecies. Being a Greek God, he really should know better. But instead he thinks he's won and he has the upper hand and no way is he about to lose the throne and, very possibly, die messily. The First Born knows that's probably what's going to happen though which is why he's got a huge smile on his face at the end of this scene. Either that's why or he just passed that massive stool he's been straining over.

Meanwhile Diana has actually decided to deal with her own life for a bit by taking a trip to see the family on Paradise Island! Too bad the family have all been turned into snakes. Really though. This isn't that different from every other family reunion that mortals attend over the holidays. But Diana is going to be really upset when she realizes that in the short amount of time she decides to take care of her own business, Zola has run off and gotten herself kidnapped by Dionysus.

Oh. Actually Diana is taking this family moment because she's lost Zola. The linearity of a story doesn't always remain so linear in my head. Or maybe there were some between issue moments that are merely hinted at. It's hard to know when I can't retain every single detail of the previous comic books and my commentaries are mostly me blabbing about food and masturbation instead of the details that would actually help me keep track of the fucking story.

Meanwhile Zola is in France hanging out with Dionysus. At some point, a bunch of young men and women arrive to go hunting for "truffles" with Dionysus.

Is this going to end with Zola being ripped apart?

Meanwhile Cassandra decides to go hunting truffle hunters because she needs a god to get her into Olympus so she can rescue The First Born. You know, she should be thanking Lennox for crushing her throat and ruining her power because at least people believe the things she says now.

Wonder Woman is searching for a god as well. She needs a Hunter because Zola and Zeke are untraceable now thanks to Strife's gift she gave to the baby. So Diana seeks out the Goddess of the Hunt, Artemis. Also known as Moon. Also known as the god whose ass Wonder Woman kicked so why would she be willing to help her? Also known as Sailor Venus's cat.

To the death?

Wonder Woman barely even tries and Moon isn't really that surprised that Diana submits so easily. Moon wants something from Diana so she accepts the fake fight's outcome. But Wonder Woman smiles much the same way that The First Born did earlier, so she's getting what she wants by having Moon think she's getting what she wants by thinking she's giving Wonder Woman what she wants. I think. I'm confused. Anyway, Wonder Woman just fought a bear!

Meanwhile on Olympus, Apollo finds himself fighting a bear as well. But the bear is actually The First Born. So it's not as exciting as I made it sound at first. Especially for all of you deviants that are into bear-bating. Sicko pervs!

Oh wait. It's bear-baiting. Well, that's completely different. Never mind.

Back in France, Dionysus's friends turn into pigs and scare Zola away. Also joining the Truffle Hunt? Cassandra and her pet Minotaur! Except their hunt is for Dionysus.

Wonder Woman #27 Rating: No change. Everybody is Kung Fu Hunting! Diana and Artemis after Zola and Zeke. Cassandra and her Minotaur after Dionysus and The First Born. Dionysus after Truffles. Hera after somebody to pray to. The First Born after Apollo. Apollo after allegiance. This issue should have been called Hunting the Hunters Who Are Hunting Hunting Hunters instead of "The Unsettling Son" which is actually a nice little play on words and godhoods and celestial bodies and shit.

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