Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Birds of Prey #27

Don't say Condor. Please don't say Condor!

This cover almost became my favorite cover of the entire New 52 before I realized that was Kurt Lance dead in Black Canary's arms and not Condor. Fucking Condor. I should devote an entire blog to my hatred of Condor. I might even abandon this one so I can just post about all the things I'd like to do to Condor on a daily basis. I can't even function normally anymore since I'm consumed with ways I'd kill Condor. Fuck! I hate him so much! I hate him so much that some people might suggest that my hatred is actually love! But they're wrong. Unless pouring molten steel into another man's anal sphincter is a loving act. Which it might be. But not in this case! I hate that Goddamned Condor!

Is it wrong for me to express my hatred for Condor? Am I hurting the Condor fandom's feelings? You know? I don't fucking care. Fuck them too! If, and I can't even imagine this to be true but I'll throw this if carelessly out there anyway, a Condor Fandom actually exists, they can fuck right the fuck off this planet right now! Yes, I am Earth's Landlord and I'm evicting the Condor Fandom. We've allowed them to dwell among us for long enough. It's time to rise up and root them out! If you see one, just point at them and scream shrilly at them. I'm not sure what the next part is. I think that part of the plan is the question marks. So this is the plan if you see a Condor Fan:

1. Point.
2. Scream Shrilly.
3. ???
4. Pod Fit!

Alternately, you can just shove a wire right into the corner of their eye at an upward angle and wiggle that fucker around. That should cure them.

Why are people so bad at math?! Maybe it's just that word problems are difficult. But if Condor hasn't spoken two words than he can't have spoken two words more than Black Canary has spoken. Unless she's been speaking backwards and backwards words count as negative words.

Speaking of bad math, my favorite part of the Superbowl (although I slept through most of it so I should probably clarify it was my favorite part of the miniscule amount I saw) was when Troy or Joe looked at the 29-0 score and said, "Simply doing the math, the Broncos are going to need four touchdowns and three two-point conversions." No, you idiot. You are stupid. That's definitely doing the math although you're doing the math wrong, you simple-minded fool. Yes, the numbers you threw out there add up to thirty points. But you also forget that you still have one more one-point conversion to add to the score which would result in 29-31. Which means you have one point more than you need. Which means you only need two two-point conversions. You stupid fuck.

Why the hell, half-asleep, did I even notice that? I bet it perked me up right out of a dream because the only thing I do well is pointing out when people are being stupid when they think they're being clever. I can't be clever myself! But I sure as hell can drag everybody else back down to my level with acerbic comments and cynical bullshit. I bet those two assholes in the Super Booth were Condor fans.

Must be a pretty quiet flight back from Basilisk Headquarters since Strix has probably said less words than Black Canary! And then who the fuck would Batgirl be speaking with so I'm guessing she hasn't said anything either! So why even bring up how weirdly quiet Condor is compared to everybody else? Probably because that asshole can't help hitting on Black Canary every few seconds. "So, you fuckin' like me yet or what?"

Upon arriving back in Gotham, the helicopter lands on an offshore floating base instead of at the Gotham City Airport where Batgirl left her motorcycle. Oh man, she is going to be pissed! All she asked the Convenient Man was to watch her Goddamned Batgirlcycle and he fucked that shit up. It's probably been sold for parts by now. Really deadly, flame-throwing parts!

Oh yes. That's the proper way to say, "Thank you, Convenient Man and his Military Goons, for paying all the costs and figuring out all the logistics to get Batgirl and Strix to South America so they could save Black Canary and her husband." I guess Black Canary doesn't know any better since nobody spoke two words to her on the flight home. And Strix's natural setting is "Violent." But come on, Batgirl! Stop being such a Condor!

The Convenient Man's Boss is Black, Blind, Older, Female Charles Xavier in a Track Suit. In other words, she's the Wise Old Woman that Black Canary and Condor have both met in the past.

Her name is Ass Mother Eve. Or something.

So this Abigail Freemantle of Hemingford Home, Nebraska uses her shining ability to convince the Birds of Prey that she's a wise old woman willing to help them for no ulterior motive. M-O-O-N! That spells "Actually there probably is an ulterior motive because she probably needs help battling a Dark Man!"

The way Batgirl goes on and on about how she instinctively trusts Mother Eve makes me believe Mother Eve is a truly good character. Because usually when a Batperson feels an instinctive trust of someone, they immediately become suspicious of that person. Maybe Batgirl figures if Mother Eve is up to something, she can easily break her neck with one well placed batkick. Not that she'd ever want to kick an old blind woman. But, you know, if it comes down to it, she'll be ready. She killed her own brother for Christ's sake!

I didn't take the Lord's name in vain in that last paragraph. I just typo'd "for Christy's sake" and don't feel like fixing it. It's okay though because Jesus knows what's in my heart! Blood and other gross crap! But luckily he can also see the information stored in my brain as electronic signals!

Fucking great. Strix, the strongest member of the team, has regressed to five years old!

Mother Eve explains that she's practically an immortal although that power is fading fast. She's been around a long time and everybody on the ship, she says, are her children. "Save you three," she says. So either the bad math continues or she's just fucking ignoring Condor the way I'm trying to. Like how I cropped him out of the scan above! Ha ha! Dick!

Mother Eve reveals that she is battling a Dark Man! Ra's al Ghul! She thinks he's coming for her and she needs protection. That's why she saved Batgirl and Black Canary! Because they're too nice to tell her to stuff it!

Uplink also appears on the ship because I said she was going to become a Bird of Prey. She hasn't switched to a Bird-Themed Name yet so it might be a bit too early to raise my level to Superior Master. I guess I should hold out until she's definitely part of the team and she changes her name to Feathers or Oracle. She does refuse the name Uplink immediately though! And with her bright pink and blue plumage, I bet she chooses Flamingo! And then people can go, "What the fuck? Why are you called 'Flaming O?'" Maybe she'll choose the name Bird of Paradise. Or just Paradise. Or maybe Pair of Dice and she'll use her mind powers to win lots of money gambling. Unless she goes by (and this will really be my last guess before I move on to hate on Condor some more) Windfall! Remember Windfall?! That was my guess previously!

Yeah! Tie him up and then throw him overboard! But shoot him in the face first!

Condor decides to tell his tale and he begins by pointing out that he's Native American. You think that's going to keep me from bashing the fuck out of you, Condor? Although it probably will get me in trouble since I really wanted to say "Fuck you and the Wakį́yą you rode in on!" Good thing I know better than to say racist shit like that!

Condor points out how he was hired by the NSA because they seemed to believe all Native Americans were good "code-talkers." Coincidentally, Condor just happened to be good with languages and wound up being a pretty decent code-talker. Sure, call out a respectable organization like the NSA for making a good call by calling their reasoning "quaint" and by "quaint" I know you meant "racist as fuck." The NSA is just trying to keep us all safe from things! Very scary things! You must think so too, right Condor? Or why would you go work for them? Just because they recruited you didn't mean you had to work for them. Or was the pay just high enough to pay for your abandonment of your ethics? I'm not judging! We've all got a number! It's just most of us can walk around saying that we would never give up our beliefs for any amount because who the fuck is offering us anything?! For the right price, I'm kicking my cat straight through the fucking window!

I hope I get some offers! Maybe I should start a Kickstarter.

Anyway, Condor eventually lost his job with the NSA because he was bad at it. Or because he was crippled with headaches. I was just reading between the lines. Because Condor was wracked with crippling pain and he'd lost his job, he decided to throw himself off of a bridge. Oh, really? It wasn't because you'd sold your fucking soul to a shitty government job and gave up everything you believed in for a hefty paycheck? Just asking because I don't believe anything you say, asshole. You're the worst character ever created by any comic book company, so I don't trust a single thing you're saying.

Here are more of his lies.

Condor became part of Regulus's Super Person Extradition and Reeducation Machine. They named him Poltergeist because why wouldn't a boring ass piece of shit like Condor decide to change his name from something kick ass to something mundane? But Condor never liked being part of the team because DammerHown and CripWhack were vicious assholes. Eventually Regulus fucked an old woman in front of Condor and he'd decided he had enough. The kink level was way to high for a white bread lover of vanilla ice cream like Condor. He had to get out of there so he could go back to a boring government job where he could live an exciting life by spying on other people. So he ditched Tsiklon because she loved to fuck in weird positions like "on top" and "from behind." But she didn't want him to go, so she and her cohorts beat him near to death. But Condor survived, got some new technology from some jerk he helped escape Basilisk, and decided on a newer and stupider name.

Thus ends the Secret Origin of Condor! Forgive me if you killed yourself for having to read that much about him. It was a close call for me having to type it all out. But luckily the Non-Certified Spouse found me and got help before I completely bled out.

After Condor finishes his story, the Birds of Prey hold a vote to see if he can be their new member. Batgril and Strix vote yes because they're stupid fuckfarts. But Black Canary knows just what to say to hurt Condor's stupid feelings! Ha ha!

I like that the sentiment hurts Condor's heart but I don't like that she doesn't care if he stays. Boo!

I just remembered that Mother Eve isn't blind but that I figured, in an earlier issue, that the only way she'd appear wiser is if she were blind. Just thought I should clear that up.

Condor flies off to pout but he only gets to do it for half a page because Gothtopia interrupts the narrative. I don't know if he originally was going to get more pages to whine and cry (I'd expect it from him!) if Gothtopia wasn't butting it's happy face into this comic book. But now the Birds of Prey need to go investigate the strange, non-violent threat taking over Gotham. Well, all of the Birds of Prey that are left in the group after Batgirl decides that Black Canary has quit to sit at the side of her brain-dead husband. Why is she picking Kurt when she can have a brain-dead lover with a working penis in Condor? Anyway, next month Gothtopia and The Wings of Truth!

Birds of Prey #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why did I really like this issue? Was it because I got to shit all over Condor while he waited beneath my anus moaning, "Mmmm! Mmmm! More! Right in my mouth! Right in it!" Maybe he wouldn't say that. I did kind of portray him as kinkless, didn't I? I also think ... Wait. Really? You really think I'd kick my cat through a window or give up my beliefs for mere cash? You're fucking crazy. Cash and poontang though? Now we're talking!

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