Don't say Condor. Please don't say Condor!
Is it wrong for me to express my hatred for Condor? Am I hurting the Condor fandom's feelings? You know? I don't fucking care. Fuck them too! If, and I can't even imagine this to be true but I'll throw this if carelessly out there anyway, a Condor Fandom actually exists, they can fuck right the fuck off this planet right now! Yes, I am Earth's Landlord and I'm evicting the Condor Fandom. We've allowed them to dwell among us for long enough. It's time to rise up and root them out! If you see one, just point at them and scream shrilly at them. I'm not sure what the next part is. I think that part of the plan is the question marks. So this is the plan if you see a Condor Fan:
2. Scream Shrilly.
4. Pod Fit!
Alternately, you can just shove a wire right into the corner of their eye at an upward angle and wiggle that fucker around. That should cure them.
Why are people so bad at math?! Maybe it's just that word problems are difficult. But if Condor hasn't spoken two words than he can't have spoken two words more than Black Canary has spoken. Unless she's been speaking backwards and backwards words count as negative words.
Why the hell, half-asleep, did I even notice that? I bet it perked me up right out of a dream because the only thing I do well is pointing out when people are being stupid when they think they're being clever. I can't be clever myself! But I sure as hell can drag everybody else back down to my level with acerbic comments and cynical bullshit. I bet those two assholes in the Super Booth were Condor fans.
Must be a pretty quiet flight back from Basilisk Headquarters since Strix has probably said less words than Black Canary! And then who the fuck would Batgirl be speaking with so I'm guessing she hasn't said anything either! So why even bring up how weirdly quiet Condor is compared to everybody else? Probably because that asshole can't help hitting on Black Canary every few seconds. "So, you fuckin' like me yet or what?"
Upon arriving back in Gotham, the helicopter lands on an offshore floating base instead of at the Gotham City Airport where Batgirl left her motorcycle. Oh man, she is going to be pissed! All she asked the Convenient Man was to watch her Goddamned Batgirlcycle and he fucked that shit up. It's probably been sold for parts by now. Really deadly, flame-throwing parts!
Oh yes. That's the proper way to say, "Thank you, Convenient Man and his Military Goons, for paying all the costs and figuring out all the logistics to get Batgirl and Strix to South America so they could save Black Canary and her husband." I guess Black Canary doesn't know any better since nobody spoke two words to her on the flight home. And Strix's natural setting is "Violent." But come on, Batgirl! Stop being such a Condor!
Her name is Ass Mother Eve. Or something.
The way Batgirl goes on and on about how she instinctively trusts Mother Eve makes me believe Mother Eve is a truly good character. Because usually when a Batperson feels an instinctive trust of someone, they immediately become suspicious of that person. Maybe Batgirl figures if Mother Eve is up to something, she can easily break her neck with one well placed batkick. Not that she'd ever want to kick an old blind woman. But, you know, if it comes down to it, she'll be ready. She killed her own brother for Christ's sake!
I didn't take the Lord's name in vain in that last paragraph. I just typo'd "for Christy's sake" and don't feel like fixing it. It's okay though because Jesus knows what's in my heart! Blood and other gross crap! But luckily he can also see the information stored in my brain as electronic signals!
Fucking great. Strix, the strongest member of the team, has regressed to five years old!
Mother Eve reveals that she is battling a Dark Man! Ra's al Ghul! She thinks he's coming for her and she needs protection. That's why she saved Batgirl and Black Canary! Because they're too nice to tell her to stuff it!
Uplink also appears on the ship because I said she was going to become a Bird of Prey. She hasn't switched to a Bird-Themed Name yet so it might be a bit too early to raise my level to Superior Master. I guess I should hold out until she's definitely part of the team and she changes her name to Feathers or Oracle. She does refuse the name Uplink immediately though! And with her bright pink and blue plumage, I bet she chooses Flamingo! And then people can go, "What the fuck? Why are you called 'Flaming O?'" Maybe she'll choose the name Bird of Paradise. Or just Paradise. Or maybe Pair of Dice and she'll use her mind powers to win lots of money gambling. Unless she goes by (and this will really be my last guess before I move on to hate on Condor some more) Windfall! Remember Windfall?! That was my guess previously!
Yeah! Tie him up and then throw him overboard! But shoot him in the face first!
Condor points out how he was hired by the NSA because they seemed to believe all Native Americans were good "code-talkers." Coincidentally, Condor just happened to be good with languages and wound up being a pretty decent code-talker. Sure, call out a respectable organization like the NSA for making a good call by calling their reasoning "quaint" and by "quaint" I know you meant "racist as fuck." The NSA is just trying to keep us all safe from things! Very scary things! You must think so too, right Condor? Or why would you go work for them? Just because they recruited you didn't mean you had to work for them. Or was the pay just high enough to pay for your abandonment of your ethics? I'm not judging! We've all got a number! It's just most of us can walk around saying that we would never give up our beliefs for any amount because who the fuck is offering us anything?! For the right price, I'm kicking my cat straight through the fucking window!
I hope I get some offers! Maybe I should start a Kickstarter.
Anyway, Condor eventually lost his job with the NSA because he was bad at it. Or because he was crippled with headaches. I was just reading between the lines. Because Condor was wracked with crippling pain and he'd lost his job, he decided to throw himself off of a bridge. Oh, really? It wasn't because you'd sold your fucking soul to a shitty government job and gave up everything you believed in for a hefty paycheck? Just asking because I don't believe anything you say, asshole. You're the worst character ever created by any comic book company, so I don't trust a single thing you're saying.
Here are more of his lies.
Thus ends the Secret Origin of Condor! Forgive me if you killed yourself for having to read that much about him. It was a close call for me having to type it all out. But luckily the Non-Certified Spouse found me and got help before I completely bled out.
After Condor finishes his story, the Birds of Prey hold a vote to see if he can be their new member. Batgril and Strix vote yes because they're stupid fuckfarts. But Black Canary knows just what to say to hurt Condor's stupid feelings! Ha ha!
I like that the sentiment hurts Condor's heart but I don't like that she doesn't care if he stays. Boo!
Condor flies off to pout but he only gets to do it for half a page because Gothtopia interrupts the narrative. I don't know if he originally was going to get more pages to whine and cry (I'd expect it from him!) if Gothtopia wasn't butting it's happy face into this comic book. But now the Birds of Prey need to go investigate the strange, non-violent threat taking over Gotham. Well, all of the Birds of Prey that are left in the group after Batgirl decides that Black Canary has quit to sit at the side of her brain-dead husband. Why is she picking Kurt when she can have a brain-dead lover with a working penis in Condor? Anyway, next month Gothtopia and The Wings of Truth!
Birds of Prey #27 Rating: +2 Ranking. Why did I really like this issue? Was it because I got to shit all over Condor while he waited beneath my anus moaning, "Mmmm! Mmmm! More! Right in my mouth! Right in it!" Maybe he wouldn't say that. I did kind of portray him as kinkless, didn't I? I also think ... Wait. Really? You really think I'd kick my cat through a window or give up my beliefs for mere cash? You're fucking crazy. Cash and poontang though? Now we're talking!