Red Lanterns #28

DC probably believed this book's presentation represents the Yin and the Yang of Hal Jordan and Guy Gardner. But we all know it's really a tastefully rendered display of the two of them 69ing.

I think the biggest blow to childhood innocence is when one learns of the act of 69ing. To learn that two adults shove their faces into the genitals of the other at the same time for a tremendously pleasurable experience has to be a surreal moment in the accumulation of knowledge and experience. And then, of course, the number 69 is ruined for all time, as well as the other representations of the same image such as the Taijitu and the Pisces Fish. The Ouroboros and auto-fellatio are usually discovered later and by then a person's innocence has been so worn away, replaced by the plaster of cynicism, that the biggest reaction one can give is a slight shoulder shrug and a slimy smile.

So Hal Jordan had arrived on Ysmault to discuss the Supergirl Problem with Guy Gardner only to learn that he and Guy had had a misunderstanding previously. Hal promised the Red Lanterns a sector of space to patrol and Guy took Sector 2814. Hal was thinking more like Sector 666 or Sector Let's Fuck Everybody That Lives In The Sector Sector. Although historically, I think having The Red Lanterns patrol your sector couldn't be any more damaging than having the fucking Green Lanterns patrolling your Sector. Anyway, let's see how they talk it out instead of punching it out as I've heard they do from Mr. Spoiler McSpoilerhead the Spoileriest.

But first, the story from Red Lanterns #27 needs to conclude. That was where Zilius Zox was researching the human testicle and Shadow Thief got all offended just like some thin-skinned, no sense of humor, Israeli soldier xenophobe would. I threw the Israeli soldier part in there because Shadow Thief is one and not that I think Israeli soldiers murder at the mention of testicles. I think they're trained to murder at the mention of other words like "Palestinian" and "Iranian" and, in the past, "Egyptian."

Guy Gardner and Ice have arrived to deescalate the situation in a diplomatic way since Guy Gardner wants to touch Ice's butt and she won't let him if he lets his anger control him.

It's not exactly "hate speech," Guy. It's probably more of a reaction to growing up in a country that happens to see a lot of bombings in public areas killing civilians. And those bombings, regardless of the political and social climates surrounding the causes of those bombings, were usually perpetrated by people that looked differently from Shadow Thief and her peers. She's probably just reacting in an extremely unhealthy way to post traumatic stress and she needs help. Also, Guy, how many aliens have you beat the fuck out of simply because they looked like "monsters"? Jerko.

The reason Skallox and Zilius Zox are having trouble defeating the Shadow Thief is because they are stupid. Also part of the problem is that the light energy from their rings dissolves in her shadow power. But what about their lava vomit? Can't they use that? Or does a dunk in the Blood Ocean cure a Red Lantern of their ability to spew hot lava? Guy's plan is to just turn up the lights so that the shadows retreat into only the really scary corners of the room (as well as under the bed and into the closet).

Bom Chikka Bom Bom

I almost forgot that this battle was taking place in France but luckily the Eiffel Tower makes a number of appearances in the background since the small are of Paris around the tower is the only part of France that actually exists in the DC Universe. Shadow Thief's suit is disabled and Ice wraps her up in a frozen cocoon. It's at that point that Soule shows us just how psychologically damaged The Shadow Thief really is.

So her anger is just a manifestation of her own closeted lust for alien boners?

Afterward, Ice doesn't let Guy down easily. She does let him down though. Unless she just isn't interested in dinner. She sort of answers his question about dinner in a weird way. Luckily, as Gardner flies off brokenhearted, he remembers the rest of the conversation where Ice tells him, "You are in no way putting a penis that shoots flaming hot lava into my ice cold lady cave. See me again once Saint Walker has sucked the rage out of you. We'll talk then." Unless she says something different. I think the sentiment is the same. Anyway, Guy and Zox and Skallox leave Earth and head back to Ysmault where they're going to have to deal with Hal Jordan.

Jordan's initial reaction to learning Guy has taken Sector The Sector With Earth In It (2814!) is, "What? But I was going to give you that shitty Sector that Larfleeze is from! You know, the one with the hot Tamaraneans in it? Yeah? Hunh? Think about that! Apparently they love to have sex and forget your name!"

I think my mom dated this guy in the late seventies.

Guy calms down when he realizes a really spectacularly cute butt has been brought to Ysmault. He has no idea who Supergirl is or why she's wearing a Red Ring. As he and Hal try to figure it out, Zox squares off with B'ox. Though there's no sign of a fox in socks or beetles in a bottle having a battle.

Guy does learn that before he showed up, Atrocitus sent out nine Red Rings to make new recruits. So Supergirl is wearing one of those. Guy doesn't know it yet but Atrocitus is also wearing one. So that makes seven other ring wraiths out there doing Chaos knows what.

Face punching time!

"Hi! I'm Supergirl! Pleased as punch to meet you! Ha ha!"

Dammit. I've just scanned two pictures in a row with nothing much to say and now I want to scan another one! Oh sure! You people love it! "Yes! More scans of the actual comic and less of that rambling asshole!" Fuck you!

I love New 52 Supergirl so much.

Meanwhile on the planet Groy, Dex-Starr is displaying his talent for making light constructs now that he's drunk deeply of Rankorr's blood. Just like a cat to take any opportunity to get a taste of a human. Dex-Starr has created a tiger which is a bit like a tiny penis with a Lantern Ring creating an enormous penis to fight its battles for it. Fighting by Dex-Starr's side is a the new Red Lantern, Klarn! She's a giant alien cricket that can suck down light energy and regurgitate it at will. She's a blast at orgies. Rankorr tells Bleez to flee and warn the others that Atrocitus is back while he stays behind to die. Not that he wants to die but he has to keep Atrocitus distracted as Bleez gets away!

Back on Ysmault, Hal and Guy hang out waiting for Supergirl to emerge from the Blood Ocean that they dunked her into. She should be a little more coherent after the dip. Hopefully she'll also finally have learned to stop punching newly-met people in the face.

But before she can appear, Charles Soule kills it with Hal and Guy's conversation.

It's this writing that is why She-Hulk is sitting in my stack of comics.

Finally Kara emerges from the Blood Ocean and tells them her name. Hal recognizes Superman's family name and Guy realizes he's got a huge headache on his hands. At least she's got a really cute bum.

Red Lanterns #28 Rating: +2 Ranking. Charles Soule is fucking killing this book right now. Hopefully people will see how good it is with this special free copy piggybacking on Green Lantern and it'll start selling better. I don't know what its numbers are right now! I just hope they get even better! Charles Soule should write all the books.