Saturday, February 8, 2014

Larfleeze #7

Here we see Larfleeze in the grips of puberty, rocked to the core by confusion, longing, and severe bouts of acne.

I have decided to become a better person. Only optimistic, happy-go-lucky thoughts will be acknowledged by the part of my brain that acknowledges the other part of my brain that comes up with a constant stream of utter bullshit. I am going to ignore the things I dislike about every comic book and only discuss the things I love about the comic book. All of the comic books will get a positive ranking and they'll all get the same ranking as every other comic. Otherwise it might be seen as being mean to a comic book if I ranked it less than another comic book. It is time to be kind because that's the way of the world now. Better to be kind than to criticize incompetent people in the hopes that they'll take the information and learn from it. Better to do nothing than to create something that might offend some people. Better to hug than to shrug!

The proper way to be a good person is to only say things that everybody can understand, only create things that everybody can use, and only live by ideals that everybody else also lives by. I already feel like a failure because I'm being a severe linguist. You might think that means a person skilled in foreign languages. It doesn't. What it means is a person that uses language to demean and exclude others. It hurts my heart to think about all of the people that don't understand English and how I'm flagrantly expressing my opinions in their face even though they can't understand it. I'm also being elitist and possibly ableist because I'm assuming people know how to read or have the capability of vision! Dammit! I already feel like this kindness thing is being derailed by my laziness to learn all languages and to provide this commentary in visual and audible and tactile means!

Fuck it. It's hopeless. Now I'm depressed. Except I'm probably not as depressed as really depressed people so now I'm exploiting the idea of depression when I'm really just in a slight funk! Oh shit! Using the word "funk" is probably offensive to people with body odor problems! Oh crap! And I keep swearing! What about the children of non-sailors?! They shouldn't have to be exposed to words like that! Unless it's wrong to keep knowledge from people. Who am I to hoard knowledge?!

Bah! I'm just going to go lie in the corner on the floor and not make use of any of my body parts or internal organs because how is that fair for people who don't have all the same parts as me? Can you offend dead people? Oh man, I hope nobody is concerned with me offending dead people! I guess I should return all those corpses to the cemetery before somebody decides I'm being rude to them.

I'm just going to read my stupid comic book. I'm such a failure as a humanist. Gah! That's a speciesist term!

The beginning of this issue feels familiar for some reason.

I would explain precisely what I mean by that last caption but I don't want anybody to assume that I think they're stupid and didn't understand. But then if I don't make myself clear, I'm failing the people that don't want to work at understanding complex pieces of literature that I often supply. Fuck it. This is too hard. I'm just going to do normal reviews from now on.

If you like characters bickering, you will really love this comic book a whole lot. It is full of squabbling. God-like beings squabble with other god-like beings. Butlers squabble with giant dogs. Selfish aliens squabble with talking jewelry. It is a bonanza of bickering! It will make your sexual parts quiver with heady longing if you find inconsequential chatter arousing. If those are the things that describe you and the things you enjoy, I recommend this book very much! 10 out of 10!

If you don't like those things, don't bother buying this comic book. Even if you like space travel and aliens and exotic locales, you will be annoyed by the characters arguing over semantics and sparring over material possessions. The main character of this book is supposed to be the most selfish character in the DC Universe but I'd be hard pressed to say the other characters are any more selfless.

See what I mean? Inconsequential pablum.

And the art! Get me started on the art! It's like a child got into his mother's Valium drawer and got hold of her crayons (because she always kept them in the Valium drawer) and began scribbling like a dolphin having a seizure after somebody taped crayons to its body and left it on a giant pad of paper. I might call the art professional if I wanted to completely abuse the meaning of the word. It's as if a large machine that usually sails smoothly across the landscape has completely wrecked, strewing bad art all over the everything.

Unless, of course, you're into this kind of cartoony, over-exaggerated, intensely colorful work! If you are then you must be one of those perverts who pull over to the side of the road to examine every mutilated corpse that was thrown from the wrecked machine and is now lying amongst the bad artwork. You're a vile and disgusting human being and you probably enjoy having sex while snuff .gifs are projected onto the ceiling of your dirty sex room. While I admit that I'm partially partial to this artwork, I will deny vehemently that I entertain the possibility of one day orgasming under a projected image of a woman getting hit by a train. How dare you even suggest that.

I liked this part because it was about incest. Remember what The Buddha said: "Incest is best put your sister to the test."

Perhaps art and plot are the least of your worries when reading a comic book. Perhaps what really blows your goat are characters! Lots and lots of different types of characters! And by different, I mean they are easily distinguished by their looks and the colors with which they've been drawn. Do you like big fiery red guys? This comic book has one! How about a canine orange guy? Yep! Main character! What about a whinging little bald green guy! Tick that box because he's included! What about a blue alien with long sparking hair (yes, I meant "sparking")? Beautifully rendered on at least four pages! Perhaps what you really desire is wrinkly old rotting green women? Oh, did you think you'd be missing out on that bold archetype? No, no! I assure you: included within! What about (Oh man. You really won't believe this one was included but I assure you it is!) a teal tornado woman?! HOLY FUCK! For only $2.99, you will find her too!

If you want characters with a little more depth, you'll probably want to skip this comic book. Besides their looks, they have one distinguishing attribute and act continually upon that attribute. Selfishness. Whiny. Vacuous. Depressed. Angry. Chaotic. They all get one! But only one! You don't want characters that are too complex! This is a comic book which means it's obviously meant for children and people who like to look stupid in public places. If you want to look smart when reading in public, might I suggest a copy of Moby Dick? But only read it in public if you've already familiarized yourself with the Cliff Notes because people will try to engage you in conversation about the novel because they want to look smart too!

This is a representation of Larfleeze's mind. Just imagine every other character in the book has one different colored word like this in their heads as well.

Anyway, should I discuss what little of the plot there is in this issue? Lafleeze pisses off every member of the House of Tuath-Dan. Now they're going to have a family meeting to figure out how to kill him. Hmm. That's it!

Larfleeze #7 Rating: No change. I'm fairly certain Giffen and DeMatteis sat down over doughnuts and heroin and decided that they should make a comic book about nothing. And then they did. I think I'm getting the hang of writing reviews! Now if only smart people would read this! Hey stupid people currently reading this! Reblog it so your smart friends can see it! Thanks!

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