Tuesday, February 4, 2014

New Guardians #27

That's my non-jerk off hand's name too!

I know what you're all thinking now: so what's the name of your jerk-off hand? Mind your own fucking business.

I've got over twenty comic books in my stack and more come out tomorrow, so I think it's time for a speed round. That means I'll be recycling old jokes and filling paragraphs with how many comic books are left in the stack. I wonder if I can talk about New Guardians in such vague terms that I'll be able to recycle my commentary for the other comics?

This issue is called "Keeper." Whoops. I think that was probably too specific already! I hope Red Hood and The Outlaws is also called "Keeper."

The issue begins with a character that I forgot was my favorite character: Exeter the Keeper. He's heading home now that he doesn't have to keep an eye on the Universe's Ingrown Hair anymore. Kyle popped open the ingrown hair and revealed that it was actually an ingrown Relic. He's arrived home to find his people at war with a bunch of mushrooms. So he's called Kyle and Carol over to help him sort out the misunderstanding because according to Exeter, the mushroom people are incapable of violence. Okay, I buy that. But are they also incapable of releasing spores which cause hallucinogenic effects that might make Walrus Men think they're being attacked by the tiny penis people?

Or perhaps some other paranoid theory that will lead to The Warmonger!

And it does lead to The Warmonger! Was this maniac in this comic book early on? He seems familiar enough but fuck if I can remember him. Anyway, he's convinced all of Exeter's people that the only way to feel secure is to go to war with anybody that they can't control. You know, once again, this is starting to sound like an analogy about America!

Kyle doesn't recognize him. Perhaps I remember him from some awful Pre-Crisis DC Comics Presents issue. Or maybe he's just such a Mongul clone that I can't help but feel like I know him from somewhere.

Warmonger is yet another creature that can withstand or absorb Lantern Energy, so Kyle has a bit of a rough time with him. When did everybody in the Universe become immune to Lantern Rings? I suppose it's the natural state of evolution. Like cockroaches becoming immune to bug spray, generation after generation. It was bound to happen with countless races being exposed to the Energy Spectrum across millions of years.

In the end, Exeter and Kyle and Carol did not have to defeat Warmonger themselves because they couldn't The Bohemian Guardians were busy re-hacking the Kalimawan Think Tanks so that they'd come to their senses and realize that they were lied to. So like an American Populace finally having enough with politicians yanking their fear chains and riling everybody up for war while those same politicians fill their pocketbooks with blood money, the Kalimawans revolt against Warmonger and, to get technical, beat the shit out of him.

Warmonger is revealed to be just a back-up of some greater being's consciousness, a being that will be coming in some future cosmic crisis where the information they torture out of Warmonger will be needed to defeat the greater being. Come on, Justin Jordan! You're all over the place with your analogies! Is America evil but torture is okay if it keeps America at bay? I know you hate America now that I've read the last two issues of New Guardians, so you're probably against torture. Besides, nobody is torturing anybody. I just jumped to conclusions so I could make up a fake argument to have with an author that isn't reading my words anyway. But know this, Justin Jordan: I get what you're saying. *wink*

Shove your Lifeshare up your ass. Can't Carol just be Kyle's teammate? Can she only ever be the romantic foil of a Green Lantern?

New Guardians #27 Rating: No change. Seriously. Can we not just have Carol and Kyle cracking jokes with each other as they road trip across the galaxy with their stuffy old Guardians? Maybe I wouldn't mind if they fucked on occasion since they'll be the only two humans in space and adult humans cannot live without orgasming on each other. So that's expected. But romance? Icky poo poo!

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