Friday, February 21, 2014

The Superior Foes of Spider-man #8

Why are these guys all so fucking short?

A friend loaned me The Superior Foes of Spider-man #1-7 and I read those without reviewing them because do I look like I have all the time in the world? It took long enough just to read those seven issues carefully! I didn't get any commentaries written yesterday which means I've disappointed nearly the entire internet. Except for the self-righteous assholes that don't think I'm funny. But fuck them, right? Totally. Right up the nose with a rubber ho's...well, I don't know. Dildo? Nobody ever finished that rhyme for me when I was a kid. Dicks. Why were people always hiding things from me? Why wouldn't my cousin Jerry tell me what a virgin was after we saw Clash of the Titans in the theater? And whenever I asked my sister what a period was, why did she keep saying the dot at the end of a sentence? Actually, I'm glad she didn't tell me that one. It would have just led to more and more questions that I probably wasn't ready to hear. What's menstruation? What's a vagina? Why would you tell a six year old something so horrifying?!

Not that menstruation is horrifying! I mean, it is but I don't want anybody thinking that I actually think that! I don't need angry messages pointing out that I'm a sexist pig! I already know that! Tell me something I don't know! Like what a virgin is! I've often been told that I'm one but nobody gives any specifics! It could mean right-handed for all I know!

Remember how I've often complained that there are not enough whimsical comic books? Make that number one less than not enough now because this comic book is pretty funny! It's got this guy Boomerang that is running a super villain crew called The Sinister Six but there are only five members in it! That's not laugh out loud funny but it is cerebral humor. You have to do math to get the joke but it's worth the effort once you finish counting on your fingers! He throws exploding boomerangs just like some guy in DC whose name I can't remember. He just recently changed his outfit and thank fucking Christ he did because that costume with the gigantic boomerangs for nipples was just awful. I'd forgotten that I knew who Boomerang was until I saw him in his old costume and thought, "Oh yeah! I have about eighty-five of his Heroclix! I even have the one that has his name Fred Myers on the base instead of Boomerang! Oh yeah, also his name is Fred Myers. That's pretty funny because you can find it at Freddy's. But only if you're on the West Coast and possibly the Northwest Coast! If you live anywhere else, you have to shop at Kroger's and I don't know if you can find it there."

I still have more to say about Boomerang! So he wants less people on The Sinister Six because then the cash they steal can be split less ways! So he later locks Shocker in the trunk of a car and pushes it into a river because Shocker knew too much! Shocker is a coward in a quilted yellow costume that has a power that I don't quite understand. He punches hard or something? Anyway, he saw Boomerang making a shady deal with Chameleon and Boomerang didn't think that was cool or funny, so he tried to kill him. It did not work and instead of dying, Shocker found the Head of Silvermane! That's a Legendary Artifact that allows the user to rule all of the gangs of New York. And since New York is the only city in the Marvel Universe, that's really powerful!

Also on the team are the other guys that I'll mention later because that's probably enough recap for now because remember that thing about not having all of the time? I have barely half the time left that I had when I was a born! So I need to get cracking! One last thing: Boomerang has recently betrayed his entire team so that he could make off with the actual prize he's been after for seven comic books: a painting worth thirty million dollars called "The True Face of Doom!" Or something.

See? Shocker has the head! The head is a dick!

Boomerang is currently getting his ass kicked by Chameleon's thugs because Boomerang was supposed to have this head. And the other members of the Sinister Six that were trying to steal the head (Speed Demon, Overdrive, and Beetle) are being rescued from the grip of Owl by Tombstone, Beetle's dad. These are a lot of Marvel characters that I don't know about. Boomerang is the only one I know and only because I have the stupid plastic figure of him!

Now everybody wants a piece of Boomerang because he owes everybody a piece of himself! Except for Shocker. Shocker doesn't want to find Boomerang and Boomerang doesn't owe him anything. Except maybe an apology for trying to kill him. But Shocker is the one with Silvermane's head, so he's actually the person everybody should be looking for. That should solve everybody's problems. And then they can forget the past and become The Sinister Six once again! Or not. It's not like this comic book is called The Sinister Six! Although it does have Spider-man in the title so I am kind of expecting Spider-man at some point.

Chameleon steals Boomerang's Portrait of Doom while Boomerang is sleeping off a few punches to the face. After Boomerang wakes up to find his score gone, he decides to go on a date with a bartender he met a few issues ago.

Forget that other score! This one is better!

But then he asks "Now what if I told you I was a super villain?" and the date promptly goes to hell. But only for a second! Fred's derailed train gets right back on the track ready to chug along into the tunnel territory.

You know the hottest show on PBS? Thomas and Friends! "They're six! They're three! They're one! They're four!" Or something. Whatever. All I know is they go in and out of tunnels all fucking day. That's a metaphor for sex! I know that's a metaphor for sex because another metaphor for sex is when you put your index finger into the hole formed by the index finger and thumb of your other hand. Unless that is sex. Is that sex? Have I been seeing sex all this time and not being turned on by it? No, no. It must be a metaphor because people always do it with their clothes still on. And I'm nearly positive that sex happens without your clothes on. Maybe with your socks on. But that's it!

The date ends with Philly Bartender Whose Name I Forgot If It's Even Been Mentioned At All In Any Issue So Far giving Boomerang advice on being the best super villain he can be! If she's going to date a criminal, he'd better at least be an ambitious criminal! They kiss and the issue ends with Bullseye on the roof across the way with Boomerang's head in his sights. Yeah, Owl wasn't very happy about his painting being stolen so he decided to call in a professional killer. And I don't think Bullseye ever misses! Boomerang had better hope Spider-Man is swinging by for some reason!

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