Monday, February 4, 2013

Superman #16

I am truly excited to learn about Oracle! I wonder why it chose the name "Oracle"? Is it obsessed with Earth just like every other alien in the universe? Or, being omniscient, does it know something we don't? Oh! Oracles know things we don't! But why choose an Earth word that describes something Oracle can do that wouldn't actually seem special to someone that can do it? Again, it must know something that forced it to choose the name Oracle which it has always chosen and always will choose and, being omniscient, never even actually had a choice. Or maybe "Oracle" just means bad ass motherfucker in its long dead space language.
Recent events in H'el on Earth have left The Flash on the Justice League Watchtower and the rest of the Justice League still trying to find H'el within the Fortress of Solitude. It's been rough going though because Scott Lobdell makes up new science fiction terms every page to hamper their pursuit. I think they fought a Mega-Future Bio-Enhanced Auto-calibrated Vestigial Socket Wrench from Pax Crustulum. Then they battled the Stratford-Avon String Theory Megamonkey from Globular Cluster 5ADoubleP. But once they bested the Flirtatious Florence Nightingale Battle Ball and taught her to love again, they were finally through the defenses. Except for Wonder Woman who was fighting a bajillion Kryptonian Battle Drones. She may have finished slaughtering those by now though.

This issue begins as a flashback to H'el beginning his space journey, hoping he'll "survive the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravitational pull." Well, that was awkward. How about just saying "the pull of Krypton's prohibitive gravity"? But then I'm not a genius Kryptonian Space Genius working side by side with Jor-el, another really smart Kryptonian smart Kryptonian. I'm just a cynical asshole constantly poking Scott Lobdell with a long pointy stick with a sharp point.

I like how Scott Lobdell took a look at the word "universe" and decided the prefix was all wrong. "Uni doesn't describe the Universe correctly! It has more than one thing in it! It has everything in it! It should be the omniverse! And you don't just learn one subject at university! You learn them all! It should be an omniversity! And a unicycle doesn't just take you to one place! It takes you every place you want to go! It should be an omnicycle! The Unitarian Church doesn't just accept people that believe in one set of dogmatic rules! They accept people who believe all kinds of crazy things! They should be Omnitarians! I wonder why Omnivores aren't called Univores? I could have fixed that one as well!"

Jor-el gives H'el a Super Crest for his journey and H'el promises to live up to it by saving Krypton no matter what happens. I think he might be going a little overboard now. I believe he's suffering from Space Madness. If he were truly a good person that was trying to save Krypton because he promised people he loved, he should be able to realize that those people he promised would not ask nor want him to destroy an entire galaxy to change the events of the past. But Space Madness will make you blind to things like that. The main symptom of Space Madness is wildly trying to kill anything you possibly can while pretending that you are working toward some greater good. I wonder if Space Madness is covered in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders?

After H'el's magnificent story about everybody on Krypton coming out to watch the launch, Kara begins to get suspicious. She doesn't remember anything like that ever happening! But he's got such a magnificently shaved upper pubic region that she quickly dismisses any thoughts that H'el might be trying to deceive her. You go, Supergirl!

H'el should have a giant "D" on his chest. You know what I'm saying.

Meanwhile Superman and Wonder Woman and Cyborg and Superboy (but not Batman for some reason) are still battling Superman's collection of strange and exotic plants (which are his hobby). I guess I got ahead of myself earlier when I declared they were done battling the many dangerous things that Superman left lying around the Fortress of Solitude. Currently they're battling Gigantic Purple Hentai Eels.

"The only way to defeat them is to stop struggling, lie down, and die!"

Reading this bit, my spider sense is beginning to tingle. I'm beginning to understand why Batman can't trust Superman. He has all of these crazy weapons and creatures in the Fortress of Solitude. Why? He could just as easily destroy the weapons and keep his indoor outdoor safari zoo biodome place on another planet with no native life of its own. But instead he keeps it here on Earth and lies to everyone about what they are. Yes. I said it. He lies. Need proof?

See?! He's just making shit up as he goes along and then forgets what he just made up! First it's Aaricus Prime. Then it's Aarticus Prime! Well, Superman, what is it? I know it's not a fault of Scott Lobdell or DC's Editors since they're known for always doing an exemplary job.

Batman appears after the fight to tell everybody that they're doing their jobs wrong. That's it, Batman! Lead by douchebaggery! It's the fucking American Way now, isn't it? And what better way to fight the fucking xeno H'el than with American Shitkickeristic Values and the Talk Downingness of Rich Fat Cats That Think They Know Better Because Their Orifices Are Stuffed With Money! Batman's new plan is to "go off-script." He passes around new scripts for everybody because God forbid they ad-lib their own material. Who in their right mind would think they could come up with a better plan than Batman? Only Batman could come up with a better plan than Batman. Unless not even Batman can come up with a better plan than Batman? Whichever one makes him sound smarter.

Batman's new plan is to let Superman and Superboy go on ahead to deal with H'el while the rest of the Justice League gets the fuck out of this comic book. Superboy battles Supergirl and Superman battles H'el. Judging by the last battles against H'el, this fight should only last a few panels before H'el pulls some magic Kryptonian Dragonrabbit out of his hat and either unravels their DNA or teleports them away or simply knocks them unconscious with his super super strength.

And whattya know? Superboy and Superman both get about one punch in before H'el teleports the Fortress of Solitude to somewhere else leaving the Justice League (and Superboy!) lying on the ice where the Fortress used to sit. At least the bad guy's ultimate powers have been consistently used. I was afraid Superman was going to get the upper hand for a second there.

Once H'el moves the Fortress, he activates his machine. The Justice League watches impotently from a distance as the end of the world is upon them. And meanwhile in the far reaches of space, Oracle continues to slowly crawl toward Earth so he can watch the show. What the fuck is his issue? He's obsessed with witnessing planets die? Is he a voyeur or a scientist? What's the difference between a voyeur and a scientist? One observes as a notes taker and the other observes while totes naked! And since the Oracle looks like a big naked crystal thing without a notebook, I think we know which one he is.

He's a gigantic cosmic buttplug! Who wants to take bets that when he arrives at Earth, he approaches it on the plane of the solar system with his head to Earth's north? I'm pretty sure cosmic creatures can't enter our solar system from the "subjective top" or "subjective bottom" of the horizontal plane in line with the planet's orbits.

Superman #16 Rating: No change. I think Scott Lobdell had to estimate how long the crossover he was doing would be and he overestimated by a few issues so now he's just vamping for time in this one. And the last page with the Oracle? Very nearly identical information from the last page of Supergirl #16. I thought I was going to learn more and now I'm disappointed and unfulfilled. Eh. I'm used to that feeling!

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