Saturday, February 2, 2013

The Fury of Firestorm #16

I think I saw this as an anime during the after hour movie showings in the movie room at Anime Expo in the mid-nineties.
Fury of Firestorm was ranked at 160 in sales in December 2012. That means comic book fans enjoy subtle homosexual high school romance a little bit less than vampires and a little bit better than high school boys with parasites stuck in space. In other words, Firestorm should probably have been canceled by now. Apparently somebody at DC is optimistic things will be turning around for Firestorm.

Glancing at all of DC's sales numbers for December 2012, it looks like DC is going to have to start canceling two or three titles a month and replacing them with Batfamily titles if they want to get their sales numbers up! I can't believe fucking Demon Knights is barely selling. You people are illiterate heathens! Maybe DC should come out with a Demon Knight Kids cartoon. Cartoons are about the only thing that seems to boost sales on DC Comics. Other than Batman, of course.

And the non-Justice League International Batman (believe me! There's a difference!) has yet to guest star in Firestorm, so sales remain low! I just think not enough people realize that this book is homoerotic teen drama. If they knew, sales would be through the roof because it's terrific!

Last issue, Firestorm had dropped into the ocean and was about to drown because disembodied head Jason Rusch can't take control of Ronnie Raymond's body when he's knocked unconscious. But he can telepathically scream at him until he wakes up.

How come Jason's head isn't upside down when Firestorm is upside down? What would happen to Firestorm if the flame on his head was put out? This is Part Four of an ongoing storyline?!

In the lists of abilities that super heroes have, they'll sometimes mention if a character can survive underwater or in the vacuum of space because they don't need to breathe. But they never list if a person can speak and be understood while in space or underwater. That power just seems to be assumed. I think "not needing to breathe" automatically means they can "be heard underwater or in space." The above page doesn't mean Firestorm has that power since he might actually be saying "Glub glub glubble glub" but Jason hears his thoughts so he understands.

Firestorm spends a few minutes looking for Captain Atom until Ronnie remembers he has to be home in time for the big Homecoming game. That's when the scientists at the Continuum remind me that their Gaydar System, Dataxen, is currently tracking Firestorm. Dataxen is the thread linking the last four comic books together into a semi-cohesive plotline.

Can spending five minutes unconscious really be considered a coma? Perhaps it was a Power Coma.

Later at the big game, Ronnie's team is down by five with seventeen seconds left to play! Will he be the big hero? Or will another super villain attack everyone on the football field again? Will Jason even be able to pay attention while reading news stories on his phone about Firestorm being blamed for the theft at S.T.A.R. Labs? Will Ronnie's mom get lucky with Jason's dad two rows back?

"I can't watch! I'm just going to bury my head in your lap and bury your cock in my glub glub glubble glub!"

Quarterback Ronnie begins calling the play that could win them the Homecoming Game and all the high school glory! But a gigantic flying robot suddenly appears in the sky. Thankfully only Ronnie and Jason notice it or panic might ensue.

Dataxen would probably attack if he wasn't so confused by all the pings his Gaydar is picking up on the field.

Ronnie throws the winning pass but before a single teammate can pat him on the butt, Jason shuts down the lights in the stadium and runs on the field to celebrate by merging with Ronnie. They explode into the sky as Firestorm and celebrate by stuffing themselves into Dataxen's chest cavity. It's all part of Jason's plan to Trojan Horse the Continuum.

Did that last paragraph turn you on too? If so, here's a little more tantalizing innuendo.

You can tell Jason has talked someone through this before.

Once Dataxen enters the Continuum's deepest chamber, Firestorm explodes out of it to take down "the mooks" in control. But first they'll have to engage in a rematch against Relay, Skull Crusher, and the other one. The dark guy in the cape. El Voido or something. During the battle, Dr. Megala wakes up completely and falls in love.

What the fuck is Firestorm talking about?

Before the fight began, Firestorm turned the concrete in the ceiling into something mushy and unstable (maybe it was cereal which is why he needs milk?). The whole place has started to collapse and the entire Continuum is about to explode. So Firestorm ends up having to save everyone in the complex by transporting them out on a giant disk. It's amazing how ineffective the Continuum's super people are. Although it's quite refreshing to see a super hero that doesn't have trouble against a handful of super villains that shouldn't be trouble for him anyway.

In the midst of the rescue, the super smart scientists make a crazy observation.

That's quite the brazen conclusion from a single statement from an old man. I'm forty and I say the same exact fucking thing when I wake up sometimes! And that's after not having been in a five minute long coma.

Does this mean Dr. Megala has forgotten everything about J.T. Krul's run on Captain Atom? Lucky!

In the aftermath, General Eiling arrests everybody in the Continuum on vague charges of terrorism and being smarter than him. Or else he's just detaining them for questioning because he seems to think (wait for the big shock) Firestorm is a big jerk! And he's going to teach him a lesson if it's the last thing he does! Because how dare anybody have more power than the U.S. Military! Power like that cannot be trusted unless it's being controlled by America's corporate interests.

Elsewhere, Red Robin has taken an interest in finding out if Firestorm is a bad guy or not. Yeah because battling a flying nuclear reactor is exactly the threat level that a super smart mortal boy should be tackling. One of his reasons for investigating Firestorm is that the explosion on the aircraft carrier was "connected to the fact that [Firestorm] destroyed a test missile launched by Qurac." Oh yeah. Blame the guy stopping Qurac from causing more trouble! Of course all the things Red Robin is judging Firestorm by are things done while Dr. Megala was controlling him. He doesn't know that yet. But he also doesn't know the thing that's probably the driving force behind The Teen Titans investigating Firestorm: Firestorm is composed of two teenagers in love! I hope next month's cover says, "Firestorm versus Red Robin!" and it just shows Firestorm standing over a smoking pile of ashes.

Firestorm #16 Rating: No change. If you really like your comic books knee-deep in 80s comic book style, Firestorm is for you. I think it's currently at the top of its game since the whole new millennium threat of nuclear strikes by terrorist theme really never felt right. Although I do miss Fury and Scorn and Wrath! At some point, I'm sure they'll be back to explain what the fuck was going on with that Quantum Field craziness. But I can't recommend this comic book any stronger than its current rank because it hasn't really been focusing on the love story. I think Dan Jurgens might not realize that's the strongest part of this comic!

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