Thursday, February 14, 2013

The Phantom Stranger #5

When did the Phantom Stranger's right eye become a vagina?

Is it wrong of me to hope that The Spectre killed The Phantom Stranger's family? It's not like I'd grown to care about them or anything? I mean, at first I thought it would be interesting but I'm kind of sick of them and their never ending soccer games. Soccer is one of those sports that I think of as stupid. But wait! You haven't heard my reasons! In other sports, you can set up a keg nearby and drink while playing. Sure, football can be a little rough if you're playing tackle, but it's still playable while drunk! But you can't drink while playing soccer! There's too much running in soccer! I guess if you don't mind everybody constantly throwing up and accidentally kicking each other in the face, you might give it a go. But I don't think you'd be too successful at it. If anybody out there does play soccer drunk, let me know! And send pictures!

This issue begins with The Phantom Stranger kicking down the door to Jim Corrigan's place of business. You know, the Gotham Police Department? The GoPo are used to this kind of nonsense so they just go, "Oh! Looking for Jim? Yeah, just down the hallway." Once The Phantom Stranger barges in on Jim Corrigan, they prepare to have a battle. Preferably Pokemon but I wouldn't mind a Yu-gi-oh style card game.

How can either of them win when God is on both of their sides?!

The battle between these two semi-supreme beings is simply one of words. No making up the rules as they go like in Yu-gi-oh. No holier than thou righteous bullshit like Ash flings at his Pokemon rivals. Well, maybe there is some holier than thou bullshit between these two. But it's different than Ash's my shit don't stink mantra. Their philosophical sniping might interest some readers so I'll paraphrase their conversation.

The Spectre: "You gave birth to me!"
The Phantom: "John Stuart Mills!"
The Spectre: "You killed me!"
The Phantom: "I'm a tool!"
The Spectre: "World War II!"
The Phantom: "I'm on a mission from God!"
The Spectre: "I'm the Spirit of Vengeance!"
The Phantom: "I did it all for love!"
The Spectre: "Liar!"
The Phantom: "Am not!"
The Spectre: "Christ killer!"
The Phantom: "You don't know me!"
The Spectre: "You don't know yourself!"
The Phantom: "NOOOOOOOOOO! Oh God!"

I think The Spectre wins.

Meanwhile Doctor Thirteen is visited by The Question! And I've decided to become a superhero too! You can call me "The Exclamation"! The Question turns declarative statements into questions! What a superb power! And he does it without a mouth! Holy heck! That's incredible! It's literally the most amazing thing I've ever seen! The Question believes he can get Doctor Thirteen to betray The Phantom Stranger! No way! I bet it doesn't happen!

Back to The Phantom Stranger and The Spectre, their verbal disagreement ends in cannibalism. The Spectre swallows The Phantom Stranger. But these two guys are way too powerful to defeat each other. So after a few more tricks back and forth and a few more insults tossed around, The Font in the Sky finally breaks it up.

I was wondering when this Font was going to show up again.

The Font turns into the Terrier and berates the two biggest cosmic babies in the DCnU. "Play nice," he barks and that's that. Except The Stranger still doesn't know where his family have gotten to. Until the phone rings and Dr. Thirteen is on the other end of the line telling The Stranger that someone named The Question might have had something to do with the kidnappings.

The Phantom Stranger #5 Rating: No change. A lot of bluster and speculation about who The Stranger and The Spectre are and what their roles are. The Dog in the Sky clears up The Spectre's role: he's the the Dog in the Sky's instrument for justice. But The Stranger is still just some jerk that fucks people over. I guess the Dog in the Font doesn't care to explain why he wants to completely screw some people. Better off to keep the uglier pieces of Cosmic Business a secret.

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