Sunday, February 17, 2013

Suicide Squad #17

Yo Yo is seriously trying to be my favorite male DC character. He survived months inside King Shark's intestines! Now if he could just meet up with Batgirl's roommate, Alysia Yeoh, that would be the superesterestly cutest couple ever!

The Suicide Squad was on their way to kill Yo Yo's sister Red Orchid. And by kill, I mean turn her into a corpse until one of the various means of resurrection within the DC Universe is used to bring her back to life. Now that Voltaic came back last issue, I believe the only people to die after 17 issues of Suicide Squad are Lime Light, Mad Dog, Grey Lora, and Regulus. But seeing as how Grey Lora was alive and well in the pages of Teen Titans, I'm pretty certain Regulus is as well. And Mad Dog could easily have been slightly wounded when he was supposedly killed since he wasn't a member of the team and his body was just left for hyenas or rednecks. That leaves Light who had her head completely blown off so I don't want to see her snobby ass anywhere near this comic book ever again! Although she has been seen multiple times as a hallucination by her sister. So I'm not sure that death even counts!

Here's to hoping somebody fucking dies this issue.

Random no-named gang members don't count!

Once upon a time in Metropolis, Yo Yo and Red Orchid had normal names. Red Orchid was a famous scientist that probably wasn't that famous because who knows anything about current scientists except nerds and other nerds? So perhaps she was simply a reputable scientist with a flare for geothermic reactors. Her brother Yo Yo was a two-bit hood with a pile of gambling debts and a future in Amanda Waller's Suicide Squad. But other than Red Orchid's disapproval for Yo Yo's way of life, they seemed to get along. Until Yo Yo wanted to borrow more money. And then his sister was all, "I hate you!" And Yo Yo was all, "No you don't! You're just a cheap prick!" And then Superman got into a fight with Brainiac and the geothermal reactor exploded and Yo Yo and Red Orchid got super powers! The end!

After killing a bunch of random gang members, the Suicide Squad take an elevator to the penthouse to meet Red Orchid. But somebody cuts the cables on the elevator and they begin a rapid descent to future participants of the Samsara Project. Except that Yo Yo's super power is basically imitating elevator cables, so he does that and saves their lives.

No, the proper term would be who. Unless Deadshot was going to ask, "By whom were we just saved?" But more likely, his question would be "Who just saved us?"

Everyone is amazed at Yo Yo's ability to hold the elevator with his stretchy body. I don't know why they're so amazed. What good is a stretchy body if it didn't have some sort of invulnerability or super tensile strength attached to it? He'd just extend his arm and it would get thinner and weaker until it was paper thin and fluttery and easily torn. I'd be more surprised if his power were that dumb! Haven't these guys seen The Elongated Man or Plastic Man or Reed Richards in action? Or do those guys not exist in this universe? I bet Plastic Man doesn't exist in this universe because DC is taking itself a little bit too seriously and Plastic Man is a fucking goofball.

Once in the penthouse, they meet their next opposition.

Now that's a death squad I'd happily be killed by!

The Kill Bill squad don't last long. Harley beats one to a pulp. King Shark eats one. And the other one stabs Voltaic through the heart with her katana and is electrocuted. But Voltaic is still alive and not saying anything. Great! Not only does the Samsara Project bring people back to life; it makes them immortal! I guess it's about time to take the Suicide out of the title. Just rebrand it back to Task Force X.

One thing I hope sticks though. Harley traded in her sledgehammer for the lead girl's flail. I hope she keeps that weapon for a bit! In fact, it would be nice to see her upgrade and change weapons on a whim. I think her aesthetic sense and her hyperactivity would really lend to her switching up her weapons whenever she grew bored of her old one. Or would that piss people off? "Where is Harley's big hammer?! Fucking DC! That isn't the Harley you promised to give us forever!"

Harley also scooches over from wacky insane to completely schizophrenic when she begins to hear voices inside her head. The current voice is Dr. Harleen Quinzel so she might be suffering from multiple personality syndrome if that wasn't a big bunch of complete bullshit. So schizophrenia it is (which, anyway, can easily manifest like what is commonly thought of as multiple personality disorder, depending on how the afflicted categorizes or differentiates the voices in her head, I guess).

And then they meet Red Orchid and the package they came for.

The package has a hood on so I don't know who it is. But I bet it's somebody from a recently cancelled title! Maybe it's even Mitch Shelley!

Red Orchid takes out Harley with some poison thorns. Then she takes out Deadshot with some poison pollen. And then everybody but the readers is surprised by the next part!

What's the word that you yell that's the opposite of "Surprise!"? Oh yeah! "Suckers!"

Suicide Squad #17 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm sorry. I have to punish this comic book because it isn't called the Resurrection Squad. Yo Yo's return from supposed death was well done because it was surprising and hilarious. Everybody else (besides Grey Lora) has simply been shot to death and then suddenly appeared alive again. I know death in comic books is never taken very seriously but Adam Glass is just making a complete mockery of it at this point. It's possible more people have returned from death in the pages of Suicide Squad than have actually died. Hey Glass! You owe me at least eight deaths! Get to it!


  1. For me this was a good issue. Your review was spot on but this is what I've come to expect from this new SS.

    Name these clowns Taskforce X, fuck no. Why murder the name and idea of Taskforce X? Right now the Suicide Squad is a joke. A watered down mainstream nothing, masquerading as an elite wet works team. Don't do anymore damage.

    1. Wow. You're seriously protective of the name "Task Force X"! The joke was merely that nobody is fucking dying so this sure as shit ain't no "Suicide Squad"! Which was just a nickname for Task Force X anyway. But I guess the history of Task Force X and Suicide Squad as names of the same organization or two different ones is a bit muddled. So I recant before you find out where I live and give me a well deserve brow beating!

      We do agree that they're all clowns though! They should travel from mission to mission in Harley's vagina. By her own admission! I didn't make that joke! She did!

  2. i think at this point the death of adam glass would be the biggest help to this title.

    1. i just so don't give a rat's ass about what's going on in this book. glass is trying to write in all these twists n' turns with the story line but i could just care less about anything going on here. good reviews on this hopeless steaming dung pile.

  3. Ahh guys, give Lizard a break. He's just trying to make these reviews more livelier, so give the man a break;)

    After all he does have a point; hardly any deaths despite the big, bold title on the front cover? Even writers other than Ostrander managed to pull off a couple deaths that stuck.

    Glass is a hack, plain and simple. Hell an Autistic kinder-gardener born addicted to crack-cocaine could write a better plot and story than this garbage....and let's add in another handicap that the same kid's blind, deaf, and dumb, and you'd have the perfect successor to Glass' "style" of writing.

    Anyhoo, rock on Lizard King, you're just doing your sorta job;)

    Stay golden pony boy, stay golden;)