Friday, February 8, 2013

Red Lanterns #16

This issue was destined to be a Third Army crossover according to early adverts. But now the Manhunters have nowhere to go. Sad face.

The Third Army crossover ended in Green Lantern Corps Annual #1. But it didn't really end. Unless all of the Third Army had descended on Oa and all of the Third Army were killed when the comic book turned white and just ended without any real resolution, then they must still be a threat to the universe. But the Crossover's title has now changed to The First Lantern which means Volthoom is the new threat and the Third Army will probably simply hang around being a nuisance instead of nearly ending all life in the universe. It's kind of typical in comic books for a threat to be overwhelming and unbeatable for a few issues and then the hero gets his second wind, punches the deadly threat in the nose, and the fight is over. So I can accept that the Third Army is defeated. You know. In comic book terms.

But now what is Atrocitus going to do with his Manhunter army? Last issue ended with them attacking him but the cover makes it look like he has them under control and feeding the Red Lantern Battery. So maybe that's their job now. Shall we see?

Forget everything I wrote previously. I guess this is a Third Army Crossover! Stupid cover not claiming it's part of The Third Army crossover and showing the wrong artist to boot!

Atrocitus quickly calms down the Manhunters by killing their leader. Their leader is easily recognizable as the Robot-Man that can say more than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!" If there is another leader in the Manhunter's midst, he's smart enough to not say anything incriminating. Like "Hello" or "How are you?" or "No Woman Escapes the Manhunters!" He just stands around looking stupid like the rest of them.

Meanwhile Rankorr is down on Earth trying to prove he's a real Red Lantern. But he's going about it all wrong. He's still making constructs and he's killing the man that killed his grandfather instead of torturing him for years. And he's also still so hung up on not being there for his grandfather that he's making guilt-inducing constructs to torment himself!

What a dumb dumb!

Stupid humans with their stupid spectrum of emotions. Don't they know that once they become a specific Lantern, they're supposed to leave all of those other emotions behind? I wonder what color Lantern is associated with Guilt? The Gray Lantern Corps? The Catholic and/or Jewish Lantern Corps? Are Catholic and Jewish colors?

Atrocitus does a Blood Ritual with the Manhunters to bind them to him. I forgot that he and his Manhunter army actually take part in the final issue of The Rise of the Third Army. They fly in like an angry robotic space cavalry to distract the Third Army while Kyle Rayner lights everyone up with his new White Lantern Powers. So I already know the ending to this comic book! I hate when that happens. It makes me feel like I'm wasting my time. I mean, I'm wasting the time that I'm already wasting but to a greater degree than I'd like! Not that anything isn't merely wasting time. What constitutes a non-waste of time? Feeding a child? Curing a disease? Making a really fucking good burrito? I actually think the only time a person wastes is the time doing things they don't want to fucking do. Screw that "It builds character" bullshit! We all end up spending a certain amount of time doing things we don't want to do. Of course, if they enable us to have more time to do the things we want to do, then that time isn't actually wasted either, is it? I'm pretty sure spending time doing something and wasting time doing something are really just the same thing except somebody is judging someone by stating it the latter way. So forget everything I said about wasting time. No such thing. We're all just speeding to our doom so do whatever the fuck you want to with that time. Except, you know, being a dick. Don't be a dick. That's a waste of time.

Apparently all Atrocitus is known for is being a dick because he comes up with a plan that is so unlike him, it causes a Manhunter to say something other than "No Man Escapes the Manhunters!"

I don't think Atrocitus believes anything. He just gets mad at stuff and barfs on it.

I'm pretty sure Atrocitus's "plan of cunning" is merely to get mad at the Guardians and barf on them. He'll probably get mad at the Manhunter for speaking and barf on it. It's just kind of the only thing he knows. And I love him for it. He has the sensibility of a cat.

On Ysmault, Ratchet has finally decided he knows why the Red Lantern Battery isn't charging: Ysmault is a vampire planet. If this weren't a comic book, I'd think that was the stupidest theory ever. I'd also think it was pretty amazing that an actual alien existed. And he was a member of a raging Corps of Red Lanterns with lava running through their veins. That would probably be pretty stunning if it weren't a comic book. I'd also probably be dead or a vampire because I would have tried to get Vampire Tig to love me. And I'd probably believe in Gods and Magic and Devils too! I guess comic book reality isn't very far off from some people's view of the real world, is it?

So Ratchet digs down into Ysmault to prove his theory somehow. I don't know. Maybe he thought he would find Ysmault's stomach full of blood or something. Instead he finds Atrocitus's old frenemies, the Inversions. But that's probably a plot for some future issue. Right now, Rankorr has to deal with some heavy shit down on Earth.

Does this make me crazy? Thinking like Bleez?

When did Bleez and I begin sharing the same brain? She also tells Rankorr he's too human to be a Red Lantern but too Red Lantern to be human. And once she has him all nice and doubting and pitiful and pouty, she tries to eat his blood. Not to kill him or anything. She just wants the power to make constructs and believes by tasting his blood, she can have that power. I guess that answers my question about the other Red Lanterns and their ability to make constructs. Rankorr doesn't say no but he hesitates for about one second, enough time for Bleez to pretend he needs some more motivation.

She was obviously just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

Rankorr refuses, tells her she's too dangerous for his cock constructs, and flies away. Bleez stays behind for a few panels so she can dramatically state that she was truly one hot piece of ass and nobody turns down her sexual advances and now she's Rankorr's sworn enemy. So basically nothing much has really changed. Bleez hated him then wanted something from him so acted nice then hated him when she didn't get it. So typical of her gender race species individual personality and indicative of her past actions.

While Atrocitus sends his Manhunters to Green Lantern Corps Annual #1, he heads to Maltus, the old home of the Guardians. Deep within its core, he finds the thing he was looking for. I don't know what it is but it looks like a bank of televisions with sphincters. As Atrocitus approaches, ghost heads begin floating out of the sphincters. And one of them is an old frenemy!

Krona! I think disembodied spectral head living in a sphincter television is a step up from corpse continuously fucked by Atrocitus night after night.

Red Lanterns #16 Rating: No change. I was discussing how shitty political cartoons are with my friend Doom Bunny this morning. Sometimes they make barely any sense and other times the artist feels the need to over explain them. So I decided to boil down the essence of the Political Cartoon and make my own template for a Political Cartoon that can be used over and over again. Here it is with a commentary on Green Lantern!

If used in newspapers aimed at the gay community, both the penis and ass could be labeled with sympathetic things, like "Candy!" on the penis and "Everybody!" on the ass. The template itself doesn't judge! Just the people who put the words on it!

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