The Flash #16

I don't get it. What kind of pun is that?

Now that The Flash is pummeling monkeys all over Central City, isn't it time for PETA to step forward and begin protesting him for cruelty to animals? Maybe talking animals aren't covered by PETA's umbrella of empathy and/or political motivations. Perhaps they believe that an animal that can talk is an animal that can defend itself. I bet if you had to spend an hour listening to a cow talk about its day, you'd be dying to make it into burgers and shoes. I know if my cat could speak his mind in a way that I could understand every nuance of his rants and raves as opposed to simply meowing loudly, I'd hate his fucking guts.

"Hey Thumbs! Transform that can into food already! And my chin itches. Could you scratch my chin? Yeah! Yeah! That's it! That's it! FUCK YOU THAT'S ENOUGH! By the love of Bast, you don't know when to quit, do you? Is it time for more food now? Well, I hope to see more on the plate when I get back from the burying room." *leaves the room* "Hey Thumbs! You call this clean?! Have you been shitting in it too? Is it too much to fucking ask that you disappear my excrement more than once a day? Bast, you monkeys are filthy."

Although I think that's better than having to listen to a dog go on and on about all the crap he loves. "I love smells. I love food. I love outside. I hate squirrels. I love chasing squirrels. I love poop. Did I mention I love smells? I love you. I love when you pet me. I love when you take me for a walk. I love when you beat me. I love when you yell at me. I love smells." Shut up already!

And then you have the talking apes as seen in The Flash. "Well, la dee dah! Look at Mr. Hairless over there! Running the world! Too high and mighty to scratch his ass and sniff his fingers. At least in public, am I right?! Yeah, you and your fancy "language" and "clothing" and "technology." But you hear the words coming out of my mouth, right? Oh yeah. I can smell that you just pissed yourself a little bit because us monkeys are so physically superior to you humans that you know it's over now, don't you? Apes that can talk and carry weapons? Yeah. You guys are fucked. Get back in the ocean where you belong, you stupid water monkeys."

So nobody in Central City cares enough to save the talking apes because I just explained why! Plus they're all too busy being strapped into Gorilla Grodd's Illusion Machine to make Central City appear radioactive and destroyed, keeping other super heroes at bay. The Rogues are busy trying to save humans (including Daniel West!) by stuffing them all into Mirror Master's Mirror Dimension. And The Flash is busy reminiscing about how Iris West was always flirting with him simply to get police information out of him for her news stories.

And sometimes simply for personal information about her delinquent brother.

Barry is thinking about the past and Iris because he's currently comparing it to the present and Patty. Patty now knows he's The Flash and she supports his decisions even when they're completely stupid like giving himself up to Grodd. But The Flash has used his Speed Mind Power to see the future and everything but giving himself up ends in disaster. At least all the options The Flash can think of with his limited imagination! Which is three! So after he thinks up three scenarios and takes them to their disastrous conclusion, he gives up and goes off to surrender to Grodd.

Meanwhile in The Speed Force, the story is greatly appealing to average twelve year old boys!

And weird twelve year old girls. You know the kind? The best kind!

Iris West and her rag-tag group of Speed Force survivors are busy learning how to use Soviet Tanks and, very possibly, developing their own super powers.

The Flash, on the other hand, is busy trying to give up his powers to a psionic ape that ate his daddy's brain and wants everything now. I wish some shorter apes would begin singing a song about greed and power.

I think Grodd was expecting them to sing as well.

As Grodd tries to kill Flash and take his power, The Flash uses his powers to transport himself and Grodd into the Speed Force. From the Speed Force, they can time travel so maybe Grodd will end up traveling back into the past where he can fight Green Lantern and The Flash so that Green Lantern's dialogue in Justice League #2 makes sense!

Inside the Speed Force, Grodd begins to grow more and more powerful. But The Flash doesn't care because The Flash is the most powerful person inside the Speed Force. He's also not the only person in the Speed Force like he first thought.

What happened to all of the puns this issue?

While in the Speed Force, Turbine developed his spinning like a spaz powers. And now Grodd is powering up as well. And the Asian guy with Iris began to develop a power as well. Will Iris West develop a super power too? Be with us next time when "How the West Will Pun" or "Tanks for the Mammaries."

The Flash #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Sixteen issues of fifty-two different titles...what more can I say? This comic is fun, looks good, and has a terrific narrative that remains consistent and coherent. This is the kind of thing I expect from comic books. I don't think of it as the star of The New 52 but it's a comic book that you can pick up and it won't disappoint. I truly hope the creative team of Manapul and Buccellato remains on this book for years to come. It's one of the few comic books in The New 52 that I can see easiy running hundreds of issues.