Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Batman: The Dark Knight #16

All the villains in Gotham are crazy. Therefore the Mad Hatter's big gimmick is wearing a hat. As in Hatman. Clever, little man. Clever.

Since I'm hip deep in DC Crossovers right now, it's kind of refreshing to read a comic book that presents a story and then finishes the story and then goes on to present a new story! Even if the story it just presented was a Reboot of the first story of Batman: The Dark Knight. So it only took fifteen issues to Reboot the Scarecrow and then reboot the Rebooted Scarecrow. DC's ducks must have some serious attitude. "Rows? Fuck rows, Didio! You cock! You suck! We're gonna spread out all over the place, fucker! Fuck your schedule! Fuck your New 52! You should have thought about lining us up sooner, cock. It's going to take you years to get us in line, fucker! Also, why aren't there more female ducks in this place, you fuck! Suck my cock. Fucking quack, motherfucker."

For those easily lost by my rambling diatribes, that was a joke about getting your ducks in a row. I seem to picture ducks using the word "fuck" and "cock" a lot. They just love a word with hard "k" sound.

Before I begin reading the comic book, I've contracted out a writer to open for me. He'll be presenting his writing to warm you up as I go to breakfast and have a relaxing morning. You may be familiar with him and I don't care if you like him because I need to go put my feet up for awhile. May I present to you Grunion Guy and the first chapter of his story, "Temperance Goes Down!" Enjoy! Or not.

Temperance Goes Down
Chapter One
The Foxhole!

"I hate the French!" yelled Temperance like a feisty werewolf.

"Oh shush!" belittled her sister who never gives her name and so she isn't important to the story. So it shouldn't affect the reader (or Temperance) at all when a werewolf in a waistcoat came out of the bushes and mauled her straight to death!

"Oh my! That wasn't normal!" evoked Temperance in that manner that usually ends up in a dead cat. Then the Werewolf took out a calculator and made some quick calculations and then he shook his head and left a 13% tip on the corpse of Temperance's sister before jumping down a foxhole.

"Well, what a cheapskate!" humphed Temperance who decided to follow the werewolf down the foxhole because it seemed like a good idea at the time. Although calling the police or the dog pound would have probably been a better idea. So she picked up her camcorder (digital, of course) and went down.

"Oh my I'm falling down a hole!" evidenced Temperance. She must not have been a very bright girl since she didn't seem to realize cause and effect. Which is probably a good thing because anyone who believes in cause and effect would probably shoot themselves if they had to be in this story.

"Oh my! My dress is going up over my head and showing off my frilly pantaloons!" Temperance put a hand over her mouth and looked demurely at the camera. I mean the reader! "Oh! I hope I remembered my pantaloons!" she exclaimed just in case the movie version of this story might be rated R. And if it was rated R then she probably did a few flips in the air too and maybe her boobies fell out of her top too. Temperance was probably eighteen also or else that whole scene was weird and illegal instead of sexy like it was supposed to be. Temperance's sister was the young girl and since she is dead, it is okay to have nakedness now.

And then Temperance landed! "Look at me! I must be in Nether Zealand!" Actually, she was still in the Foxhole but now the Foxhole was filled with locked doors instead of foxes. Or werewolves! I almost forgot about them!

Temperance tried to open all the doors but found out that they were locked. She would have known that if she had been reading the book instead of making daisy chains in her hair or whatever hot chicks do when they're alone in a foxhole. "I must believe in God," she remembered.

Then she found a key on a table and a bottle of Jaegermeister that said, "Drink up, beeyatch!" right on the label! "Ohno, I mustn't drink this hard alcohol and become really tipsy!" she salivated. Then she gagged as she choked on the key. "Oops!" This time she picked up the right item and drank it all in one gulp! Also, she turned the video camera on and pointed it at her face.

"I'm scared!" she cried and then she got really drunk. I mean, she shrunk. But for some reason that didn't solve her problems so she stamped her foot and said, "Oh eat me!" The Werewolf stuck his head in and he had fake painted eyebrows and a fake mustache and he wiggled his cigar and said, "Oh yeah!" or something even wittier if I think of a better line later.

After Temperance said the eat me thing, she suddenly grew really big and caused this chapter to end!

End of Chapter One!

Goddammit, Grunion Guy! If you're going to take up that much space before I can even scan one picture from the comic, you're stupid fucking story is going at the end of these commentaries! I'll open for you! You think internet readers are going to wade through that many words without a fucking picture? You better draw something to go with your story next time!

Sorry about that. So, Batman!

"Can't blame them for being terrified . . . they live in Gotham!"

Oh look! The citizens of Gotham are finally fucking scared about something! The Joker goes on a rampage and kills a bunch of random people. "No big deal! Happens all the time!" The Hydra stomps through downtown while Medusa turns everyone to stone. "Yawn. Saw it last Tuesday." Mobs of people are running around eating each other. "Yeah, that happens occasionally." People begin disappearing. "Holy fuck it's the end of the world!" I hope Batman can solve this problem! It sounds like the worst one he's faced yet if it can scare the citizens of Gotham.

Batman ends his explication of recent events with this: "There's no discernible pattern. I prefer patterns." Because it makes detective work easier? Shouldn't you be reacting like Deathstork Deathstroke and embracing the challenge? Stop being like normal people, Batman! You're better than that.

Please don't mistake me and start acting like Deathstroke. That guy currently sucks.

Oh look! The kidnappers are all wearing hats (except that one guy. But that looks like a wig!)! You're going to get your pattern, Batman! And they all look like normal people! OMG! The kidnappers are kidnapping the kidnappers! Wait. Is that right?

Boy, if Batman could only see the cover of his own comic book each month, he could solve all of his mysteries easy! Even though I know The Mad Hatter is the antagonist, I bet Batman is still way ahead of me and almost has the entire problem sorted out already. He's such a genius!

Uh oh. His arrogance is getting in the way of his genius!

I would think Batman would instantly notice they all have hats on (and if he didn't, he'd realize it as soon as the one hatless guy lost his wig) and know he was up against The Mad Hatter. It's not like he gets many new crazy people in his town. People dead with grins? Joker. Bird themed crime? The Penguin. Plants involved? Poison Ivy. Needs a shower because he smells like sex and tuna? Catwoman. Clue left at the scene? Riddler. Alice in Wonderland themed crime? Okay, that one could be a little tricky.

After Batman saves one person from being kidnapped, he heads home as Bruce Wayne to discover he's missed another date with Natalya. And the relationship ends according to the plan I outlined last commentary.

Being that she's a pianist and the background is set up like a piano's keys, I'm sure Natalya is playing Bruce as much as he's playing her.

This break-up could also be trouble because Natalya hints that she knows who Bruce Wayne really is. It's possible it's one of those lines of dialogue meant to build tension in the reader that she knows he's Batman but she's really talking about how she knows his inner child or some shit. But she makes these comments after pointing out that she's noticed the timing of his injuries and that she's a very smart woman. So if Bruce breaks up with Natalya, is he going to have another Death of the Family crisis on his hands?

Batman must really be off his game because of the Natalya crisis. Perhaps Bruce Wayne really likes this woman. Perhaps he'd even risk his identity and Alfred's life (again!) to be with this woman. But his mind definitely isn't on his detective work because he goes to visit The Penguin who helps him out with the case.

Perhaps The Mad Hatter just isn't known for being able to organize such a widespread crime spree. That or Batman's in loooove!

The Mad Hatter is working with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum (of course! I wonder if Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum have been Rebooted to be child molesters?) to kidnap people that fit certain profiles so they can play very specific parts. The Mad Hatter doesn't get any more specific than that. So he's financing a Broadway show in Gotham? A special show just for Batman? Since The Joker stole the party idea, Mad Hatter is probably feeling a little pissed off. So he's decided to invite Bats to a play!

Perhaps a larger hat would keep him from questioning you, Mr. Hatter? This scene ends with The Mad Hatters thumbs firmly ensconced in the large man's eye sockets.

Batman: The Dark Knight #16 Rating: +1 Rating. The Mad Hatter looks like a cross between Roger Daltry and Marty Feldman. I like his outfit (So the Penguin was right! He is into haberdashery!) and his lift shoes. I also like that he's being played up to be completely mad because, you know, they're all mad there. In Gotham. I don't know how the Penguin deals with being lumped in with all of the psychos of Gotham when he's just a normal business man with a slight bird fetish. I don't really have much of an opinion one way or the other with Bruce getting involved with Natalya. It would be interesting if every story introduced a new woman and showed Bruce getting close to each of them for very different reasons. And then he can eventually marry all of them!


  1. Apparently it's a little early to judge things, but I remember we had high hopes for this one. What do you really think?

    1. I'm interested to see what Mad Hatter's plan is. And if Bruce learns that he needs to only date vapid, shallow narcissists to keep his secret safe.

  2. It kind of seems like he's going to re-enact Through The Looking Glass to me. Similar to what he did in Batman:TAS, where he kidnapped a girl who looked like Alice and brought her to a Wonderland-like amusement park. Probably something like that, but creepier if that's even possible for the Mad Hatter;)

    Oh and right on on that last one. Talia and Selina seem more his speed even though they're criminals, go figure though right?