Sunday, February 3, 2013

Krona! (as seen, as a corpse, in Red Lanterns)

Part 13 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Former scientist, now Would-Be Conqueror
Marital Status: Single
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Nekron's Dimension
First Appearance: GREEN LANTERN #40
Height: 6'8" [I didn't realize Oans could get so tall! I suspect Krona was a chronic masturbator.] Weight: 349 lbs.
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

"About ten billion years ago Krona, a member of the race of immortals living on the planet Oa, devised a machine with which he planned to se back through time to the beginning of all things. Krona was acting in defiance of an ancient legend that warned that if the Oans ever discovered the true origin of the cosmos, both the Oans and the universe would be destroyed [Oh shit! He's going to defy an ancient legend!? Krona is one crazy motherfucker! He probably pumps his gas without checking for needles in the gas nozzle handle or carelessly flashes his lights when he sees a car driving without their headlights on. Somebody put a stop to this crazy motherfucker!]. Despite pleas and urgings to desist [By annoying, superstitious bastards.], Krona worked until his invention revealed the image of a shadow shaped like a giant hand holding a cluster of stars [Could also have been a penis.]. At that instant a bolt of cosmic lightning [Possibly male ejaculate.] destroyed the machine, and would have killed Krona had he not been virtually indestructible [Also, immortal. It's always good to be indestructible when you're also immortal. Nobody needs to live forever as an immortal pasty goo after accidentally being pushed by a man in a batsuit into a giant vat of chemicals.].

Krona's act had several effects. It released an evil force through the universe, causing hatred and violence [So he invented religion?]. (This was not, however, the actual origin of evil, which has existed since the first sentient beings evolved [That makes sense. As soon as somebody could judge someone else's actions with their selfish, subjective perceptions, they started saying that people doing things they disagreed with were "evil." So it's not that evil suddenly existed. It's just that sentient creatures can be narcissistic fucking assholes.].) It somehow triggered the creation of an other-dimensional anti-matter universe [In anti-matter universe, penis masturbates you! Sorry. Fucking Yakov Smirnoff.]. It also caused Krona's own universe to replicate itself an unknown number of times [Like sands in the hourglass! Or seeds in the Kleenex!]. Thus the single universe became a multiverse, a collection of parallel universes. Only eons later would the multiverse be reduced to a single universe again during the so-called crisis on infinite earths.

The Oans punished Krona by reducing his form to disembodied energy doomed to travel harmlessly through the multiverse forever [Oh, so the technology to fuck someone's shit up forever is okay but taking a peek into the past is forbidden? Why are the Oans still alive? Hey DC! You want a really good reboot to your universe? Erase the Oans' existence completely!]. Then, to atone for Krona's crime, the Oans vowed to create a force for good. Eventually the Oans became known as the Guardians of the Universe [and the biggest assholes in the universe.], founders of the Green Lantern Corps (see individual listings).

In recent years Krona used the mystic power ring energy of Green Lantern Alan Scott (see Green Lantern I) to make possible his return to his original form [That makes so much sense! Since Krona learned of the creation of the universe through a God's act of masturbation, and since Krona retained his strong, Oan physical form due to eon long bouts of masturbation himself, he had to utilize the only Green Lantern Ring that could not protect against six hour erections.]. Krona again attempted to probe the universe's origin [Hee hee hee!] but was halted by Scott [who, at the time, was totally against ass-play.] and by Green Lantern Hal Jordan (see Green Lantern II). The Guardians again turned Krona into energy and exiled him into the void [Because that worked out so well the first time. See? They've been insane from the beginning.].

Eventually Krona entered the dimension ruled by Nekron (see Nekron), where many souls of the dead pass on their way to their final destination [Topeka?]. Nekron restored Krona to his original form and increased his powers, and then sent him and an army of the dead to destroy the Guardians' universe [So Blackest Night happened twenty years before Geoff Johns wrote it?]. Jordan, the Green Lantern Corps, and the Guardians defeated Krona, Nekron, and their army. When last seen, Krona had retreated into Nekron's dimension, vowing vengeance [A-ha! So his vengeance, if you follow the path of causality, eventually led to The New 52. Is that why Atrocitus kept his corpse on hand to angrily molest on a nightly basis?].

As an Oan, Krona is virtually immortal and invulnerable and possesses vast psionic powers. Nekron has at least temporarily increased Krona's powers, making him more powerful than any one of the Guardians.

1 comment:

  1. Ha ha, funny;)
    And yeah, he might have caused the new 52 more than maybe Zoom, but I'll always blame Dan Dildo and hate him seriously, I fucking can't stand that douchebag and I don't even know him....