Justice League of America #6

How are new readers going to know they should pick this up because Lobo is in it? This is a poor choice of covers.

Page One does not contain a scene with Lobo. It does have The Atom displaying his impotence to Aegeus. But Aegeus has no time to laugh at a tiny man who can't get a metaphorical boner. He needs to gloat like a proper villain should after they've just defeated Lobo. Not a lot of characters can say that they bested Lobo! No wait. That's not true. After Lobo peaked in popularity as the biggest bad-ass motherfucker in the universe, he began to be dragged from comic book to comic book just to be defeated by the hero to show that the hero could defeat the most dangerous person in the universe. Apparently DC didn't realize how they were diluting Lobo's brand from biggest bad-ass in the universe to biggest punching bag in the universe. The kinds of fans who loved Lobo wound up feeling angry and embarrassed while reading Lobo comic books after that. Not me though! I was already angry and embarrassed while reading any comic book!

Part of that last paragraph wasn't true. Maybe most of it wasn't true. I don't think any Lobo fans were ever embarrassed about liking Lobo because they were all so busy emulating his worst qualities. It's hard to tell which of Lobo's qualities were the worst but I'm probably not talking about his penchant for genocide. Although maybe those Columbine kids were fans, right? I mean, that was terrible what happened there but I'm fairly certain if I had seen footage of one of them screaming about bastiches and gizzards from some guy named Feetal, I probably would have chuckled. And I wouldn't have felt bad about it, either! If you can't laugh in the face of every reminder that our existence is brutal, short, and depressingly mediocre, you're probably a pretty nice person and I could use more of your kind in my life.

Pages Two and Three do not contain scenes with Lobo. But the rest of the Justice League of America, as they fight chimeras, mention Lobo! Batman is concerned that Lobo is dying the way Lobo has never died before. It's weird for Batman to be concerned about something that will never take place. Maybe he's not concerned at all. Maybe he just wants Ray to check on Lobo to make sure Lobo isn't accidentally genociding the people of Penn City.

Page Three is the best page so far because it contains a scene with Lobo. The Ray goes to check up on Lobo and Lobo has some instructions for him.

Remember the good old days when every drop of Lobo's blood could regenerate into a full Lobo? How did that never become the explanation for Twat Lobo and Magenta Timeline Lobo? Seriously missed opportunity.

Meanwhile on some more pages without Lobo therefore they're wasted pages, Killer Frost saves some civilians by freezing a terrorist's arm off. The civilians are ungrateful wretches who can't see the humor in a terrorist who just threatened the lives of their children losing his arm. Killer Frost is all, "Um, whoops? Don't tell Batman?"

The Ray refuses to tear out Lobo's heart for some reason. I bet it's because he's in loOoOoOoOove with Lobo! I mean, who isn't? But The Ray doesn't want to hurt the person he loves. I'm using "love" in the way all people who don't believe in love use it: to camouflage from romantic types that we're actually saying "Please give me oral pleasure until I humiliate myself in front of you with my satisfaction noises."

The Ray does cut out Lobo's heart after Lobo yells at him the way his mother used to yell at him when he tried to peak out of his dark bedroom window. After reading so many DC Comics for so many years, I have to wonder why I don't have super powers! My mom was the most paranoid and manipulative person and my dad left when I was two to become a giant drunk absentee bastard! Where is the justice that I get all of the Mommy and Daddy Issues and none of the super powers and hot trim?!

Lobo collapses because he doesn't have a heart anymore. It's not that he dies at that moment. It's just that he can't do much without any blood pumping oxygen to his brain. He just has to wait until his undying cells that can't die repair the damage and get the overall system back up and running. It's like a city that stops functioning because an earthquake destroyed most of the infrastructure. The people are still alive even though the city has come to a halt. They just have to get to work fixing it up again. Until Lobo regenerates, I guess I'll just have to suffer through a bout of being bored by this comic book.

This story is called "The Heart of a Bastich." Is bastich Latin? Do you conjugate nouns in Latin? Bastich. Basteres. Bastard. Basteremus. Bastarent. Um, anyway, I don't think the title refers to Lobo referring to himself (because of the conjgation! Duh!). I bet it turns out to be Ryan Choi who shows himself to be a real bastich because he's the only one currently facing off against Aegeus. Everybody is probably thinking, "Oh no! The poor little grad student in the nerdy glasses can't stand up to a great big charismatic terrorist who probably has a huge, thick penis! He's going to die!" But instead, he's going to be all, "I'm gonna fuck you so hard Aegeus!" Then he'll grow really small and everybody will be all, "Where is he?" Then Aegeus will get a weird look on his face. Everybody will recognize that look as the one where you suddenly feel your asshole get itchy due to physical exertion, sweat, and a rancid dingleberry you didn't know was stuck up in there. Then you contemplate how to deal with it. Do you unsatisfyingly scratch the itch through your clothing as people nearby make disgusted looks and judge you as if they've never done that before. Or do you go all in and shove your hand down the back of your pants and stick a finger way up there so that it feels like you're scratching the inside of the front of your skin, after which you remove your hand and then stall for a few moments as you glance around at who might be watching before you casually pretend to scratch your nose so you can sniff your fingers. You know that look? That's the look Aegeus will have just before The Atom expands to full size and explodes Aegeus's colon all over the room.

Oh. It doesn't happen that way. I can't say I'm disappointed though because Atom's life is rescued this way instead:

Yay Lobo! My penis rejoices at your renewed vigor!

Lobo and The Ray are merely a distraction so that The Atom can prove himself in battle. He turns tiny, avoids Aegeus's butthole, and turns big again, using the power of density or mass increasing or quantum hullabaloo to knock Aegeus out in one nerdy punch. Lobo instantly takes credit for Ryan's newfound ability to commit violent acts.

Some people don't like Lobo but that's probably because they've read versions of Lobo written and drawn by people who either don't like Lobo or don't understand Lobo. Nobody would be surprised how many writers used Lobo in the 90s simply to get a boost in sales while hating themselves for using a character they despised. And it's less surprising than that even that they would treat him as a joke and make him look as idiotic as possible. But sometimes a writer understands the character and my heart sings. Other times, an artist really gets the character and a part of me that got me banned from all Popeye's restaurants sings.

Andy MacDonald, you make my anal sphincter sing!

You don't need to hear the story about my banishment from Popeye's. But if you want more details to help create the scenario in your imagination, here are a few keywords: spicy chicken, dare, Tubgirl reenactment.

Let me say goodbye to a few followers of my blog right now since I won't get the chance after the next sentence.

I'm not sure what Lobo is threatening to do to Aegeus at the end of the above scan but I know it doesn't have anything to do with rape because that would be wrong and never funny. Especially when Lobo knows the humiliation of being married and raped by a Gothamite pervert super hero. If Lobo learned the opposite lesson, you wouldn't know it because it's not like Lobo said in the panel before the scanned panels, "I got something ta finish up. Ya might want to avert yer eyes. Also, do we have a wedding dress and a camcorder?" I mean, he said some of that! But probably not all of it.

After whatever just happened to Aegeus in the space between pages happens, his army's flying steeds turn back into salt. Without scary steeds, the army surrenders to the angry citizens of Penn City. The next day, Batman lets everybody know that "Aegeus' injuries are being treated." I would have said "Aegeus's injuries" but then I'm just smarter. Anyway, what could those injuries have been? Nobody goes into detail! Batman warned Lobo against maiming and Batman hasn't one-punched Lobo into being a better person yet, so I'm guessing Lobo just beat the guy with a tube sock stuffed with a bar of soap. Incidentally, that's the exact turn of phrase a person would use to describe a Czarnian penis.

The citizens tell Batman, "You know, thanks for, like, stopping that jerk. But he was, you know, paying us money. So now we're broke and shit. What are you going to do about that, asshole?" Before Batman can break the dick's jaw, Vixen pipes up. She's all, "I'll set up one of my non-profits here and you can all get jobs!" Then a bunch of the dumber and Republican residents are all, "How are we going to make money if it's a non-profit?! Get out of here with your communist bullshit! I'd rather starve!" But Vixen, undaunted, continues, "People notice my shit. More businesses will move in. Wealthy businesses! The totally for profit kind! The kind that probably has a big 'W' in the name, if Batman gets my fucking drift!" Then everybody cheers at the good news without realizing that they're just going to go back to making weapons in a few months when WayneTech moves in.

Later, Lobo gets me all teary eyed because I'm a pusstich, I guess.

Forget the cutesy-wutesy bonding bullshit! What did Batman promise Lobo?! I bet Batman promised to build him a glory hole portal into a sexy dimension!

I hope nobody ever shows Lobo a copy of The Cove. Japan thought the ending of World War II was awful? Wait until Lobo tattoos Fat Man and Little Boy onto his left and right fist (respectively) and wades onto their shores.

Xenos moves into The Sanctuary to help build weapons and polish Silver. That wasn't a typo; Silver is the name of Ray's penis.

I'm so happy that this comic book currently exists! Steve Orlando seems to understand and love violent psychopathic characters as much as I do! I know Twat Lobo was last seen in Larfleeze's trophy case but I hope Real Deal Lobo gets a chance to murder the fuck out of him. Multiple times even!

Bug! The Adventures of Forager #1

I'm already partial to this comic because it has an exclamation point in the title.

I have no idea who this Jack Kirbian Jack-ass is so let me get out my Grandmaster Comic Book Reader Bible!

Who needs the Young Animal Who's Who appendices?! This should give me all of the pertinent information I need!

Here are the important details for Bug! He's single so masturbating to his adventures shouldn't be stained by guilt. He's 5'10" and weighs 162 pounds which makes him, um, not fat? Chubby? Well-muscled? Since he's a Kirby character, I know it makes him cherubic of face and goofy of hair. He has no family and I'm assuming, by the stupid look on his face, no friends as well. He's almost certainly a virgin (unless you count fucking insects or rubbing up against a blade of grass until you adult your pants).

Forager's powers are super exciting for a Jack Kirby character of the early 70s. He can run really fast (but only in relation to people who run at normal speeds. It's not like a superpower or anything)! Wow! He can also leap like a flea which is probably a superpower unless it's just some flea DNA from his mother's disgusting side of the family. He wears shoes that let him walk on any surface which might not seem like much if you're thinking of surfaces like dirt and grass and asphalt. But you'll probably lose your shit when I tell you I mean walls and ceilings and really steep hills! His weapon is an acid pod which spurts acid all over the faces of his enemies in much the same way the comparative body part I'm redacting for polite reasons sprays semen.

Oh, and he also carries a shield because sometimes you need to defend yourself even if that's the most boring part of the comic book. Hopefully he throws it a lot even if that will inevitably produce snorts of plagiarism from Marvel Zombies. They're already priming the snort pump anyway just seeing the shield in Bug's hands!

Bug looks an awful lot like Mr. Sensitive, doesn't he? Maybe it's just that all of Mike Allred's characters look an awful lot like all of the other Mike Allred characters.

Bug decides to have a confusing memory on the first page to set up his history. It's easier to understand if you just read the Who's Who entry on Forager! After everybody is caught up on Bug's past and they're thinking, "What the fuck was that about? I guess his origin was an existential crisis followed up by believing in himself because Batman remembered his name?", Bug gives rebirth to himself.

Bug discovers he's in a basement so he begins asking all the pertinent questions like "How much did I drink last night?" or "Why does the woman I have a huge crush on not love me?!" Usually that second question leads to an answer to the first question of "Way too much!" I've spent a lot of time drinking in basements so I know what I'm talking about. I'm fairly certain every guy I've ever known has cried in my basement about a woman.

Bug follows a transparent girl upstairs where he finds a bunch of misshapen people. They refer to him as "The Sleeper" and attempt to tuck him back into his cocoon. This might have something to do with The Dreaming since I'm fairly certain I saw Brute and/or Glob in the promotional art for this book in the back of Doom Patrol or Cave Carson Sucks On A Cybernetic Eye.

Bug evades the Wakers and chases after the transparent girl where she's doing weird dream things.

Remember in the 70s and 80s, every week it seemed there would be footage of the next longest ever amount of dominoes toppling over?

The little girl's teddy bear explains being an individual to Bug because Bug thinks being a rebel is being and individual. But Bug only knows that everything he does, somebody else seems to want him to do that. So then he doesn't do it which is always what somebody else wants. The thing he's missing, being that he was raised by insect people, is that he has the freedom to do what he wants for his own reasons and based on his own desires. He's learning about free will!

I suspect somebody will soon poke a hole in that theory too and call the whole thing an unsustainable illusion which we all desperately maintain to believe until the day it all crumbles and we realize nothing matters and we embrace the dark nothingness of non-existence.

The little girl gets tired of Bug and the Teddy Bear ignoring her as they talk about Camus (with the appropriate jokes so that the plebe readers will learn how to pronounce his name correctly) and she switches up some of the dominoes. This causes them to be possessed by a bunch of DC Characters like Sandman (not the goth one), Deadman, Black Racer, OMAC, Manhunter, Metron, and two others that I don't immediately recognize. Bug topples the dominoes which eventually knock down the dominoes possessed by other characters and the PLOP TUBE! out of the room. That's when Brute and Glob stumble in to see what's happening.

Brute and Glob attempt to give Bug a bad dream but he's not dreaming so they just get their asses kicked instead. Then Sandman joins the brawl because he doesn't have anything better to do. If he wasn't here fighting Bug, he'd be perving out inside some young person's wet dream, probably.

Oh, actually Bug is dreaming and this is his dream. That's why he's The Sleeper to the other creatures in the dream. Seems weird that they'd want him to not wander around in his own dreams. What's he supposed to do? Dream he's sleeping every night? Boring!

Apparently he's still dead but then he woke up but then he woke up again and now he might be dead but dreaming or alive and dreaming or dreaming but dead and alive? I think he's just been incepted one too many times. Anyway, he helps Sandman save the world from General Electric (so the bad guy in this Young Animal book is a corporation too! Just like all of the other Young Animal books! Except Mother Panic where the bad guy is art. Unless it's art made by a corporation into fooling the masses like Fearless Girl) before incepting into a new level of reality. That one will take place in Issue #2 and probably be totally different.

I guess this book is what happens if you cross Jacob's Ladder with Inception and add a little Abbot and Costello Meet Albert Camus

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #5

I'm totally up for some of this nuclear fusion.

I hope that the cover isn't Captain Atom and Captain Atom's son or else I'm going to be even more turned on than I already am.

The issue begins by the media giving Max Thrane a super villain name: Ultramax! Fuck! How did I not guess that? It was just sitting there all stupid and obvious and I didn't even bother to pick it up. To be fair, I've been pretty cautious about the things I pick up lately after the slugs on the dog shit caked in vomit incident.

This issue is called "Quantu Mechanic" which is either the dumbest name since Ultramax or I'm being too literal in the way the graphic designer smooshed the words of the title together. It's probably the first one.

Before Captain Atom beats Ultramax in a battle that just looks like two oiled up porn stars under a spotlight trying to outfuck each other, he decides to find his son, Genji.

Don't do it, Tess! You can resist! You don't have to drop everything you're doing to go play Overwatch simply because you were reminded of it! You can finish reading this comic book first. Think about this, Tess: after you finish this "review," you'll be completely caught up for the first time in so long I can't even remember! Oh, sure, I still have fourteen comic books in the stack. But they're fourteen comic books I purchased just today!

Okay, Tess! You've sold me! Besides, I can probably play Overwatch all day and night tomorrow. Unless the mechanic doesn't call back with good news about my work vehicle. At that point, I might be spending the rest of the week shopping for a new work vehicle and stressing out over my business and hating everything.

Here's a handy chart of the stress I can handle in life (in equal units of stress called Fuckingshitballs):

0 Fuckingshitballs: I can take on the world, motherfucker!
1 Fuckingshitball: Why was I even born?!
2 Fuckingshitballs: Oh my god it's gotten worse? How is that even possible?!
3 Fuckingshitballs: I curse the day my father's penis ever entered my mother's vagina for I never asked for this burden called life!
4 Fuckingshitballs: Who do I see about ending this ride?
5 Fuckingshitballs: Is there even anybody in the world who can handle this much stress? Are they stupid?

To get a good idea of how much stress it takes to get me to 5 Fuckingshitballs, here's a handy chart of how many Fuckingshitballs different things equal.

Having anything at all that I have to do coming up on the calendar: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Talking on the phone with somebody I don't know: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Realizing a clerk I see often mysteriously has learned things about me through the barest of interactions: 5 Fuckingshitballs.
Having to deal with a work vehicle's failing electrical system which could potentially lead to having to search for a used car to replace it which means interacting with a whole bunch of people I didn't expect to be in my life and then having to deal with the bureaucratic nonsense of registering it and then getting it outfitted for my business and just, in general, having to do a whole bunch of stuff outside of my normal routine or else my adult life is going to fall apart completely and I might as well be dead at this point because it would be so much easier and relaxing: 5 Fuckingshitballs.

As you can see, my scale only goes up to 5 Fuckingshitballs. Also, my chart probably would have been easier if I just stated "having to do anything outside of my normal routine which takes me outside of my house" equals all the Fuckingshitballs all the time. Ultramax begins going on a murder spree of people who once used his services to assassinate somebody. Since Captain Atom failed to connect with his kid, I suppose he'll have more time to stop Ultramax.

But first, as he's dropping off Genji, he's got to deal with a thing that could be anything, like maybe a toaster or a cigarette case!

Fucking stupid comic book bullshit. "How are we going to get Captain Atom to realize the military has been spying on his son?" This is the answer they come up with? A random glinting light in a window across the street? What kind of superhero rushes off to save the world from every glint of light they see out of the corner of their eyes?

Oh, today while having lunch at the St. Johns McMenamins, I overheard two old hippies talking. You're probably picturing them exactly just from the phrase "old hippies" because that's the perfect way to describe them. Both had long, scraggly gray hair cascading off balding heads and they were both wearing Grateful Dead tie dye t-shirts. I wasn't listening because I found myself thinking, "I bet I could glean some important wisdom from these two burnouts!" No, I began listening when I heard the first one say, "I could feel a really strong breeze through the larger glory hole." He then referenced a smaller glory hole that needed some work as well. Is there another usage of the term "glory hole" that I'm not familiar with? If not, these two old guys were talking about fixing up the booths in their sex shop.

Captain Atom isn't pleased with the surveillance of his son so he rushes off to confront General Eiling. While he's yelling at him, Ultramax stops by to battle. Or fuck?

Gross! Their colliding streams knocked them into the Slash Fiction Quantum Field! Now things are really going to get dicky!

Captain Atom wins the fight although is it really winning if you just shove the guy out of a portal and into who the fuck knows where? That seems more like helping him escape. Anyway, there's still one more issue so I guess they'll finish battling there. After that, Captain Atom can go do the one thing he knows he shouldn't do but won't be able to stop himself from doing: revealing his true identity to Genji. Then Genji can be all, "You're no my father!" And bam! Just like that, he'll be a DC Superhero!

Superman #22

Jon needs to learn to eat his Popsicles faster.

Some weird shit is going down in Hamilton County and I just figured out what it is! Rorschach's disintegrated atoms probably came to rest in the soil! So now it's all, "I'm not trapped out on the farm with you. You're trapped out on the farm with this cow's disgusting milk and a weird house in the swamp. Oh, and me!"

This issue begins with Lois Lane reminding me of a traumatic moment in my life.

I get it, Pat and Pete. You guys are sadistic assholes who don't want anybody to forget the murder of Goldie. Unless you're going to bring Goldie back from the dead, can you just stop reminding me of the death of my best friend? I mean the death of Goldie!

Since Batman is locked in a freezer covered in rotting cow's milk, Lois Lane is the only capable investigator left in Hamilton County. She heads out to solve the Mystery of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On. If anybody can solve it and possibly fall out of a helicopter while doing so and have to be rescued by Superman, it's Lois Lane!

During her investigation, Lois stumbles upon a bank of monitors set up in the basement of the Hamilton Town Hall. On every monitor are images of Jon at different points across his life. Even at times before they were living in Hamilton County! Is this is a new mystery or can I just stick it under the general heading of the Whatever The Hell Is Going The Fuck On Mystery? See, it was pretty smart to name it so loosely, right?! You were probably thinking, "That title would never sell a single Goddamned Nancy Drew novel, you stupid cunt." Whoa, whoa! Why so hostile, imaginary reader? Sheesh! Bring it down a notch.

That King Arthur movie still looks fucking stupid.

Is this a modern retelling where King Arthur's a hipster living in a gentrified neighborhood in Portland and pulls Excalibur out of a Marantz 6370Q turntable? It would explain the "from nothing comes a king" tagline.

Lois is discovered discovering the town's secret of knowing her family's secret. She rushes home to find the leaders of the town in her living room acting ominously. That was the opposite of hyperbole! I don't know the word for that because I rarely ever find it useful!

Lois escapes the weird town elders by slipping on her Batman Doomsday Glove and blasting the fuck out of them. Then the Batmobile pulls up to rescue her and she gets away. The Batmobile suggests killing the fuck out of the people chasing her and Lois is all, "Hells yeah, bitches!" So then missiles blast a bunch of town folk and the Lois Lane runs one of them over and somewhere Superman and Batman weep heroically. I'm guessing Lois Lane realized these town elders weren't really human, what with the being able to survive giant squid attacks and being able to be seemingly everywhere at once. Otherwise, Lois Lane had better find a good lawyer who knows their way around a murder in self-defense trial.

Lois Lane is finally stopped by Mr. Cobb the Dairy Farmer. That confrontation will have to happen in a later issue because it's time for the big surprise reveal of what Superman found in the House of Mystery in Deadman's Swamp! He stumbles upon a huge ship underground. Deep within it, he finds Batman, Robin, some criminal clowns, Frankenstein, and Lady Frankenstein all stuck in a bunch of vacuum tubes. Unless they're Bacta Tanks. I guess they didn't get every piece of Candice the Alien when they blew her up a number of issues ago. I'm pretty sure that was made explicit during that issue but hell if I can remember that far back! It's not like I remember she was called Kroog and she was capable of reforming from even a single misplaced bit of herself. Based on the black goo everywhere, it's possible a whole bunch of Kroog (or Kroog as a whole bunch of parts of itself?) have created a Kroog haven here on Earth. It's also possible it's different aliens altogether.

The Ranking!
You know what? Fuck ranking comic books. If you can't tell I liked a comic book, what does it matter? That's never been the point of this blog and I only stapled it into place on the finished product because people seem to expect that kind of thing. Maybe live with the ambiguity and uncertainty of whether or not I actually liked a comic book I read and made fun of! Maybe don't rely so much on other people's stupid opinions (even if those stupid opinions are coming from a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader). Maybe just enjoy this diatribes for what they are: a huge waste of everybody's time!

Nightwing #20

Accessory to murder!

The Review!
Lately, it's like Tim Seeley is reading my mind. This story — hell, the basic story of Dick Grayson since time began, I suppose — refuses to take part in the typical DC Narrative where pain and loss and Daddy Issues are the things that create heroes.

I was surprised to find that Dick Grayson quickly became my favorite hero of The New 52 and beyond. It took me awhile to realize why I shouldn't have been surprised at all.

I can be completely and utterly cynical in nearly every aspect of my life. I don't have an earnest bone in my body (hee hee! I said "a bone in my body"!). But comic books seem to be the one place where I don't want to see cynicism. I don't want to read postmodern takes on the genre. I don't want to see hot takes on how superheroes fit into our modern world. I just want to read stories about good and noble people doing the right thing no matter how hard that thing is. I want to see Superman deescalating violent situations because what does he have to fear physically? I want Batman to care about the lives of the people of Gotham more than he obsesses over the identity of The Joker. I want to see Nightwing...well, you know what? I'm seeing Nightwing do what I want to see Nightwing do. It's why he quickly became my favorite character. Because he's not a hero born of tragedy (even if he literally was!). His origin story wasn't that his parents were murdered by some criminal. His origin story was that there was hope and love and kindness ready to catch him in its safety net after the tragedy happened. He wasn't formed out of vengeance or justice or revenge. He was formed when Bruce Wayne took him under his wing and told him everything would be okay. Dick Grayson was born of optimism and kindness and hope and joy. I might be a cynical bastard but that is the character I want to read about in my comic books.

The reason I was so surprised that Dick Grayson became my favorite character though is that I couldn't fucking stand him for years. Anybody who read nearly a decade of his characterization by Marv Wolfman can absolutely understand why. He had some really insecure moments with his relationship with Batman in those years. What a fucking tool.

One of the things I loved seeing in The New 52 was how Batman treated Nightwing with respect and as an equal peer. He doesn't even treat Superman that way! I missed the years that Dick served as Batman with Damian as his Robin so I've only seen how their relationship formed through The New 52. This issue reminds me of the other side of Nightwing. He has both the respect and love of the older generation as well as the future generation. He is the hero previous heroes wanted to inspire. And he is the hero future heroes will try to emulate. Without Dick Grayson in his life, there's no telling how much of a horrible bastard Damian would be. I mean horribler bastard.

Anyway, Doctor Hurt dies again at the end of this story, killed by Deathwing as he himself kills Deathwing. But before he dies (killed by the blade that shows people multiverses, so maybe not totally dead but multiversed?), he explains to Nightwing that he, the embodiment of evil, saw something that scared him so much that the only thing he could think of doing was to make Nightwing, the most heroic of DC's heroes, as strong as he possibly could. Because only Nightwing can face The Watchmen, I suppose.

The Ranking!
+1!

Deathstork #18

I could totally have done a decent job Photoshopping this but why bother when I can just as easily Shoop it!

The Review!
This is the conclusion to the "Twilight" story but it doesn't really resolve much of anything. I suppose it's only called "Twilight" because it's kind of a prologue to the coming Lazarus Contract series. Priest reminds readers of practically everything that has happened in the last eighteen issues so readers know all about the Rebirth version of Deathstork going into the story that will probably change everything again. Not totally, of course! But this issue covers the basics of the things that from his past that made Deathstork who he is: Grant's rebelliousness; Joseph's slashed throat; Rose following in his footsteps; Slade's time with the Suicide Squad; Adeline's hatred for her ex-husband; Red Lion's association with Deathstork; Pat and Luis's previous post-Crisis relationship with Slade; Wintergreen as Slade's moral compass. I may have missed some but those are the stresses acting on Deathstork's life (plus the ones he doesn't know about like Dr. Ikon turning into some kind of Solomon Grundyesque beast) as he goes into the story where he'll get to remember more horrible things he's done. The Titans should remind him how he got Grant killed and how he got Terra killed and how he got Joseph killed (although Joseph isn't dead anymore so that memory will be a weird one to deal with). I think he's about to learn that he's not even as nice as the hardly nice guy he currently thinks he is.

The Ranking!
No change. This series really does need to be read in one sitting, right? It's a nice change of pace to read a comic book that doesn't forget the past every six issues or so while also packing in lots and lots of story to keep me from being bored. I'm not being too obvious looking at my Wonder Woman comics right now, am I?

Justice League #20

All of the Batmen are just pretending to be dead.

The Review!
The last story was called "Timeless" and it felt like it was. This issue is called "Endless" so I've just killed myself.

Yeah, yeah. Get it all out of your system. "Suicide isn't funny, you asshole!" I know it isn't funny. But hyperbole when facing situations like having to read another Bryan Hitch Justice League story is funny! Just be thankful I didn't use the rape analogy that came to mind!

This story begins with The Flash leaning over a dying Jessica Cruz telling her not to die because he's going to get help. Here's a fun fact: he could have gotten help in the time it took him to tell her not to die! Instead he hangs around to hear her moan, "Barry? That you? Sorry, Barry. Sorr--." Read that bit from Jessica again but do it in the way a dying person would slowly drag it out. Now think to yourself, "If I were the fastest man in the world, why would I spend an eternity like that not getting help?" Now ask yourself this question: "Why did the comic book begin with this scene when it's obviously going to flashback to a day or two earlier when I turn the stupid page?" I can answer that one: "Bryan Hitch is a terrible writer!" If you don't like that answer, here's another one: "Brian Cunningham is a terrible editor!" Still not doing anything for you? One more: "Comic books are terrible and written for stupid people who have no ability to intelligently critique the way stories are told so they keep using this 'begin at a point in the story that hooks the reader before going back to the part of the story you deemed way too boring to keep the audience still feel you need to tell anyway' method of storytelling." The thing is, if you don't think beginning at the beginning is interesting enough, how about not going back to that part of the story? If you think you're being ballsy by beginning at the point where Jessica Cruz is dying, how about you keep telling the story from that point?

Hunh. When I turned the page, the story just kept continuing from this point. It's probably a fluke. It'll probably flashback any time now and just stay there. Until then, I guess I can pretend that Bryan Hitch has decided to do what almost no comic book writers ever do anymore. He's actually going to keep telling the story from the point he chose to start it!

Some guy in motocross gear is standing nearby with a Cosmic Jackhammer asking Flash why The Flash should live after The Flash killed "them." The Flash doesn't know what the guy is talking about but he does reveal he's a fan of South Park.

Totally inappropriate time to be quoting a cartoon, dude.

It's too bad I just scanned that picture because there's a wayward comma in the dialogue on the next page. Man, I would have really skewered Bryan Hitch in the caption of that one!

After the guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer, Barry flashes back to breakfast with Jessica. But in the flashback, he's all, "Wait. Didn't we already do this?" Then the cafe explodes in that way that cafes explode when somebody just outside of them begins using a Cosmic Jackhammer. The guy is still whinging on about his terrible life. "You killed her, killed them, took all I had away." Blah blah blah! Hopefully he's just insane and not another villain who became a villain because the Justice League failed to save the people he loved. I only mention that because Bryan Hitch has shown he's only capable of writing two stories. One story is where the Justice League believe a person is good and then find out the person is bad and have to stop them. The other story is how a bad person became bad because good guys didn't save his or her family personally. Sometimes both stories get combined into one story so it almost looks like Bryan Hitch knows how to write a third story.

Well, at least we know which story this is now.

It looks like Flash is going to have to Memento through this one as the Cosmic Jackhammer disrupts the way time flows around him. But I guess he's immune to it because of his link with the Speed Force giving him the ability to time travel. Now as the story plays backwards, it will give The Flash a chance to find out why this guy is so angry. Then he'll be able to stop the thing that caused this from happening and all of this will never have happened and Jessica won't die. Now that I've figure it out, can I stop reading it? Do I get a pass?

Barry winds up screaming at Jess to not die and lying to her about getting help. Then the angry guy uses his Cosmic Jackhammer again and time reverses even further back in the story. It's a good thing time is flowing this way or else The Flash would never know how to deal with the conflict that needs to be dealt with in this plot. He's lucky he gets another chance at saving the woman he loves unlike that guy in Memento who can only manipulate events over and over again so that he feels some satisfaction in avenging the death of the woman he loved even though his ultimate goal is to save her life which he can't do. That's why he'll never fill that space on his chest with that tattoo declaring he did the thing he can't ever do.

When he finally gets far enough in the past, The Flash winds up warning the Justice League about this guy and his Cosmic Jackhammer. So they go to stop him and — guess what?! — they cause the disaster that kills his family by trying to stop the disaster that kills his family! Oh, time travel! What a capricious beast you are! Now how is The Flash going to stop this from happening?! Oh! I know! More time travel!

The Ranking!
-2! Here is a story that never needs to be told again: something happens that shouldn't have happened so somebody uses time travel to stop it from happening and succeeds so that the bad thing never actually happened. If you don't write that story, it's the same as having written that story. So please stop writing that story.