Demon Knights #14

I don't think any of the Demon Knights consider Etrigan their leader.

Last issue, everyone was in hell and trying to escape their own little personal annoyances. That makes this a really good comic book to read during the Thanksgiving week.

Jason Blood was threatening to send himself to Hell so he could punish Etrigan for sending Xanadu to Hell. But who was he threatening? His whole plan seems just as idiotic as you'd imagine a plan would be when thought up by a love sick idiot in the newness of his loss. Hell is the others and Jason Blood is finally free of them. But now he wants to join back up with the others in literal Hell. Perhaps Hell isn't the others at all. Hell is needing others. How about enjoying your own company for awhile, Jason?

Not that he gets the chance. The Questing Queen and Mordru show up to keep him from killing himself. Jerks.

One does not simply use the phrase, "One does not simply...."

The Questing Queen's Magic Eight Ball answered, "Ask again later, " and then "Better not tell you now," when she asked it who would most likely find the Holy Grail she's been seeking. Eventually, it answered, "Etrigan," because Mordru opened up her Magic Eight Ball and took a sharpie to its twenty-sided answering mechanism. So now she is going to use her magic to fix Jason Blood's "Begone the form of man" chant, sending Blood to Hell where he'll get to see his lost love and bring Etrigan back to Earth so he'll refuse to help her.

Back in Hell, Madame Xanadu's personal punishment is to be Etrigan's obedient spouse. But that poses a problem for Etrigan as well since he needs her for his plan to double cross Lucifer.

Perhaps Etrigan needs her army of prostitutes? That's a joke about how they fucked up her name in the first panel!

Elsewhere in Hell, the Companions have all escaped their their own personalized minor nuisances of eternal torment. Etrigan arrives to put them back in their places (maybe. I still don't know exactly what that asshole is up to) so Lucifer will continue to trust him. The confrontation doesn't last long as Etrigan is pulled out of Hell by Mordru and Jason Blood is sent back.

In the thrall of Mordru, Etrigan vomits forth his plan to allow Lucifer to take Avalon. But since Lucifer is reading all of this in some prognosticatorical scroll that Etrigan probably knows about, I still can't believe Etrigan's plan! I'm sure he's not under Mordru's thrall and I'm sure he knows Lucifer will hear anything he says. So his plan to allow his Companions to escape Hell via Avalon so that Lucifer's army can follow and take Avalon for themselves is probably all bullshit. Of course Etrigan has something else up his demon sleeves. And since this chapter is called "Occupy Hell," I have to wonder if his plan is to trap Lucifer in Avalon so that Etrigan can take over Hell for himself.

Wasn't the saying "Pride goeth before a fall" based on this jerk? He would do well to remember that! The front side of the gates of Hell say, "Abandon all hope ye who enter here." The back side should say, "Hey, Lucifer, you're a big fat jerk." I was actually going to say the back side should read "Pride goeth before a fall" but then my mind took a left fucking turn at Albuquerque.

Xanadu opens the way to Avalon while Lucifer sits back and waits for the Companions to find her and enter with her. Etrigan's plan remains a secret but I think I might have guessed at it somewhat. Xanadu's plan is to simply escape without Etrigan's plan fucking that plan up. And Lucifer believes he has the upper hand since he tempted Exoristos into being his unholy servant back on Earth. Maybe everybody will get just enough of what they want to be completely unhappy with the results.

Ha ha! Good one, Cornell. My alt Grunion Guy's definition of an editor: "A Fuddyduddy that rains on parades and refers to 'artistic expression' as 'grammar errors.'" And his definition of fuddyduddy: "An ancient Sanskrit word that means ‘some guy who makes the drunk girl put her top back on and stop dancing on the table.’"

Exoristos is willing to take something to Earth for Lucifer since she knows that she'll never again be allowed to set foot on Paradise Island. But she's still looking for some kind of future peace and she believes she can find it with The Shining Knight.

Being an Amazon, is she disturbed that the Shining Knight is part woman? Or part man?

The Companions enter Avalon immediately followed by Lucifer and his army. Immediately after that, The Questing Queen and her hordes are able to follow Jason Blood into Avalon as well. And Avalon has its own army of Silent Knights. The three armies charge into battle against one another with the Companions trapped in the middle. Next issue, whose plan will end up on top?

Demon Knights #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic just doesn't disappoint. Bernard Chang has kept the quality of the art nearly as high as Diogenes Neves had kept it. Paul Cornell's grip on the storytelling is absolutely solid. He doesn't dangle the same mystery over the reader's head month after month. He's allowing questions to be answered while bringing new mysteries to the book while maintaining a solid underlying story about the Quest for the Grail. He also manages to tell a story with a lot of main characters without feeling like he's ever leaving any of them out. Well, except maybe al Jabr. I'd like to see more of him!

Legion Lost #14

This issue needed two pencillers and four inkers. And one inker is obviously using a pseudonym. "Von Grawbadger?" Come on!

Legion Lost is another one of those commentaries where I can write whatever the fuck comes to mind since nobody is reading this comic book and nobody even cares what is going on in it. You can tell because it's crossing over with Superboy (which sucks) and The Ravagers (which is awful). DC seems to think a good strategy for selling comics is to take one of the worst comic books they publish and force that comic book's fans to read two more shitty series as well. I've said it before because I believe it wholeheartedly: DC Comics hates its readership. Do you need more proof than this garbage crossover? Go read Hawkman:Wanted in Green Arrow, Hawkman, and Deathstroke.

I'm probably just asking to have the Superboy fandom jump all over me again by using him as a search tag on this comic. But he's in it so what the fuck do they expect? And anyway, those idiots can't tell when I'm on their side? Some people are so fucking touchy that they ignore anything you're saying and immediately get on the defensive. My whole point about getting Superboy canceled is because the writer sucks. I didn't say Superboy sucks! You'd think they'd want the comic to be canceled so Superboy can end up being written by somebody that actually cares about him.

At least Legion Lost is cancelled. Although I'm not exactly thrilled to be getting a Vibe monthly comic book. I think he's replacing Blue Beetle. Unless that's racist. If it is racist, you should blame DC and not me! Just because I noticed they're cancelling one title with a Hispanic lead and replacing it with another title with a Hispanic lead, that doesn't make me racist! It makes me observant! And cynical! Although for all I know, Vibe is going to be a 4th generation Vietnamese-American living with his gay grandfather and fifteen cockatoos. I should probably replace "cockatoo" with "parakeet" since some people might think I just chose that bird because the word "cock" was in it. I assure you that wasn't my intention. I just type whatever my brain tells me to type. Stupid racist, insensitive brain! It's not my fault!

Wait a second. I finally was able to tear my eyes away from the name "von Grawbadger" to see that Harvest is fighting alongside Superboy and The Ravagers and Legion Lost. I guess Harvest really does need to save them to make sure Tim Drake becomes a vampire mega-overlord of a future world.

Normally I would guess what Tom DeFalco's first page would be: splash, narration boxes introducing the character, static image. But I already saw the first page when I was looking for the credits and the first names of the creative team.

At least it didn't start with, "My name is Superboy."

The Legion of Super-heroes is so familiar with time travel, why would the discovery that one of them dies in the past be an unbelievable idea? Oh! I know why! Let me answer my own question! It's not that his dying in the past is unbelievable. It's that he would die at all is unbelievable! Legion is composed of young people and young people find it impossible to actually believe in their own mortality. It's simply a vague notion that hangs about in their mind. They know everybody dies and they can easily say that they'll die someday but they don't feel it at all. It isn't an impending possibility that they need to worry about. It's something on their to-do list but it's so far in the future, it occupies no space in their mind. So of course Tyroc didn't believe the prophecy. His own death? Nonsense!

Last issue, I speculated that Daggor was similar to Galactus, at least in the world-destroying aspects. But now I don't think Daggor is even the Cosmic Butcher!

He's more like the Silver Surfer. Except he's the Red Dragon Rider.

The Science Police guy, Captain Adym, continues to proclaim that he came from the future, drawn to this place and time due to some Break Point that "threatens the very fabric of reality." That's some story, sir. But I'm not buying it because The New 52 is based on Flash Point which put a stop to time travel and I won't allow DC to just start slipping in moments where people are suddenly time traveling again. Like this. Or like over in the Justice League International Annual #1 where a future time traveling Booster Gold appears to the present time traveling Booster Gold. And I'm really trying not to remember Superman suddenly appearing on Krypton while watching his parents and believing he's going to somehow save it. I really don't give a shit about some kind of overarching continuity since it seems to stifle more creativity than it helps create. But if you're going to proclaim something to be so, DC, I expect you to stick to it and be consistent.

Captain Adym puts out a priority alert because he doesn't trust that Legion can defeat the Red Dragon Rider. Jocelyn Lure gets the alert which confirms that she's a member of the Science Police's Echo Team. Harvest also gets the alert which confirms that he's stolen a Science Police Scanner and other 31st Century Technology (because he's future Vampire Tim Drake!). The Ravagers don't get an alert even though they're on the cover. But that's because Superboy is with them and Jocelyn is going to tell Superboy to get his ass to Arizona and The Ravagers will feel compelled to help him out.

This is the first panel on page seven. In the previous six pages, nobody says anything about being thankful or any other thing that sets up why Captain Adym would suddenly say this.

Legion has no chance against Daggor and his pet dragon, so they're suddenly in real trouble when Daggor produces thousands of robots that are "impervious to pain and heal from all injuries." I guess overwhelming numbers just wasn't going to do the trick for Tom DeFalco's story. He also had to set the robots up as fucking immortal. But don't worry, Legion! Back-up is coming!

It's all just part of his plan.

Harvest begins reaping robots but Legion needs to have a bit of a discussion if they should allow Harvest to help them. Because they have the luxury of not allowing him to help? How do they stop him simply to keep themselves feeling morally superior? Do they turn their attention to fighting him just so they can feel better about themselves? Let Daggor and his dragon and his thousands of robots destroy the world while they can sleep easier because they didn't fight alongside Harvest? Yeah, great discussion. Tyroc, being the leader, declares that Harvest has a deal! They will call a truce and fight side by side.

I wonder if they'll have to go through this whole fucking rigamarole when Superboy and The Ravagers show up? Remember how badly The Ravagers were traumatized by Harvest. They aren't going to suddenly show up and be convinced that he's their buddy for a few issues.

Chameleon Girl will have no part of saving the world if it means they have to not punch Harvest in the face to do so!

Superboy finally appears in this comic and he's no longer in California because DC Comics loves publishing comic books that spoil their own comic books.

Oh yay. I can look forward to The Ravagers and Superboy beating up Rose Wilson and Warblade again in the next two issues of The Ravagers.

Jocelyn Lure teleports Superboy to Arizona to help battle Daggor because Superboy promised to help her if she helped him. He doesn't want to go though because now that her part of the deal worked out, fuck her! He is only about a year old though. So he can't really be held responsible for any contracts he's forced to sign. He just doesn't have the mental ability to understand what he's getting into.

The Ravagers and Superboy seem to be getting along just great so they can't allow Superboy to be kidnapped! They follow him to Arizona so I can enjoy another few pages of people arguing with Harvest while Daggor and his Dragon are ignored.

I know I probably could have looked online for a key to the Kryptonian language, but I already know the letters for the phrase, "H'el on Earth," so I used the cover of Supergirl #14 as my Rosetta Stone. Harvest is saying, "isn't that right, Superboy?"

Now if we've all read Superboy #14, we know what's going to happen! This phrase turns Superboy into Harvester's Manchurian Candidate. Harvest will now use Superboy to attack Legion. I don't know if this counts as Harvest breaking the truce since nobody said he couldn't used brainwashed soldiers against Legion. Or maybe the truce was already broken when Chameleon Girl attacked Harvest after Tyroc said they had a deal.

Harvest uses Superboy to attack the robot threat and not Legion. At least in this issue! I guess Harvest had to trigger Superboy with his subliminal implant to avoid more pages being taken up by everyone bitching about siding with Harvest. I don't blame them though. After what Harvest did to them and the supposed threat he is to the world, Legion, Superboy and The Ravagers could just as easily team up with Daggor to take out Harvest.

Actually, I think that's a better plan! At one point, Timber Wolf drops the whole "the enemy of my enemy is my friend" cliche in support of teaming up with Harvest idea. But that great piece of wisdom holds true in supporting Daggor as well! Legion is stupid. Take out Harvest while you have the chance! The Justice League can stop The Cosmic Butcher when it arrives. Stop trying to take on more than your little New 52 title can handle.

For a time expert, Captain Adym sure has a poor understanding of time. One timeline can't be threatened, you stupid fuck. It just diverges into a new timeline. The old timeline would still exist so you've just come back in time to fix nothing. All you've done is created another timeline where you come back in time. The one where you don't come back in time and everything falls apart still exists. Hey, you're the asshole who brought up timelines! At least know how they fucking work if you're going to try to "fix" them.

This whole "fixing timelines" issue is why I was never interested in watching the television show "Sliders." The whole premise of the show was that they had to save any number of alternate timelines where a catastrophe threatens to destroy them or change them. The only problem with that is, according to the theory of multiple timelines, all possibilities exist. Therefore the timelines where they fail to save the timelines also exist. And the timeline where they never even realize the timeline needs help and never show up also exists. And the timeline where they show up and cause the timeline to be destroyed through their manipulation of changing timelines also exists. See? It's all masturbation at that point. If you can suddenly slide across all timelines, you're not actually affecting any timelines. You're just opening up more possible timelines with your technology. Hell, you're not even doing that! All those possible timelines already exist!

Captain Adym learns about Superboy as Tellus mentally uploads everything to Adym's brain. This just gives Captain Adym more to worry about! Then Harvest calls Captain Adym by name, Nathaniel Adym. Is this guy Legion's Captain Atom? What the hell?

Do you mean you're going to tell him why you created Superboy now and the answer will, over time, sink in and eventually shock the Captain? Or do you mean eventually when you finally decide to tell him the answer, he'll be shocked? Being familiar with Tom DeFalco's use of secrets, I think we all know the answer to this. Harvest will never answer the question.

After all of the sideline chaos going on and everyone pretty much just ignoring Lord Daggor, his plan finally comes to fruition. He grows some giant city-machine out of the desert. Gates freaks out and says he recognizes it and it's why he's covered in burns and scars. Oh, I didn't realize Gates was covered in burns and scars. I thought that was how he was supposed to look. Gates ends the issue declaring, "We're all destined to die!" and a mighty cheer erupted from my office.

Legion Lost #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. Once again, I feel compelled to penalize any comic that goes against the strict "no time travel" mandate set up by Flashpoint. Not to mention all of the Timeline-saving nonsense going on in this thing. Such a shame it's being cancelled.

Batman and Robin #14

I have no idea what's going on here. Are the zombies from last issue equipped with Joker joke chattering teeth?

I can't stop staring at this cover. I want to say something about it but I can't. It has me mesmerized. It's oddly one of the most disturbing comic cover images I can currently recall. It shouldn't be! I'm sure that's just a toy, right? But why all the blood? Probably because Batman and Robin is still the bloodiest comic in The New 52. But what's with the kryptonite barbell? Or is that just some kind of gag so the toy teeth don't go on a further rampage?

Maybe those were the teeth that bit off Alfred's ear?!

Last issue, Gotham City was under attack by zombies during an eclipse. Is this eclipse going to be important over in The Black Diamond Probability crossover? Why even ask that stupid question? Of course it is!

Batman is currently swinging around Gotham tranquilizing all of the so-called zombies. They're definitely living people that didn't crawl out of the graves he investigated earlier. Robin discovers the bodies from the graves later that night when he's kidnapped by the hungry people acting like zombies. They're piled up in the sewers. Looks like The Saturn Club wants people to think zombies have risen from their graves while they rob a bank or something. Maybe devour all of Gotham's children.

Does Robin have permission to kill people who try to eat him?

The Saturn Club members are kidnapping people so they can drink their blood and live forever. That's why they all keep chanting, "Eat to live." Robin manages to cause a diversion and escape with all of the kidnapped citizens. The whole time, Batman is trying to contact Damian but Damian doesn't respond because he's a little busy saving lives.

At this point, poor Robin can't win. He was supposed to remain at home since Leviathan still has the bounty out on his head, so Batman is going to be pissed to find out he took off to search the sewers with his metal detector. And now he isn't responding to Batman's messages which probably pisses the Bat off to no end. So even if Robin saves every single person in Gotham, he's still going to get a stern lecture from Batman about everything he did wrong while not getting a single warm fuzzy from Batman about what he did right. Normally Alfred would be there to lend an ear but he currently doesn't have any to spare! Also, he's not around because he's helping out with The Joker's party for Batman.

Batman finally catches up to Robin and the Saturn Club zombies.

That's an encouraging sign! He's not telling him to go to his room.

After they incapacitate all of the drugged out zombie people, Batman tells Damian the results of the analysis he ran on the victims. They were drugged by The Joker. The Joker is behind this whole Saturn Club romp which made Batman worry even more that Damian had allowed himself to be taken.

I wonder if Tomasi had already been working on this story when he was informed he was going to have to write to The Death of the Family crossover so he just changed the ending of his Saturn Club story to fit it in. Perhaps he wasn't sure if he might be crossing over with The Black Diamond Probability as well and that's why the whole thing began with an eclipse! So the leader of the Saturn Club could have been The Joker or Eclipso or a completely different, maybe new, threat! Whatever the case, the whole incident gives Batman time to discuss his feelings with Damian.

Don't worry, Batman. DC knows better than to trust a character's life to the fans ever again.

This is usually where Alfred stops shoveling Batcow manure and clears his throat and motions to Batman to hug his fucking kid. Since Alfred isn't here, Batman has to remember that family really matters by finding his mother's pearl sitting on the console of the bat computer. Hmm, I wonder who could have left that there after doing the dusting? The gentle nudge makes Bruce remember what's important and grounding Damian and making him feel bad isn't it.

The Joker's right. Batman is getting fucking soft.

Normally this would bode poorly for Damian! He's getting what he needs from his father just as The Joker is coming to town to tear the Bat Family apart. In most literature, Damian would be a walking corpse at this point. All the signs point to his death. But even Robin is too important to Grant Morrison's Batman Incorporated so nobody is getting the go ahead to kill the little twerp.

Batman and Robin #14 Rating: No change. This story really did feel like the ending pulled a big editorial switcheroo and ended up in a place it had no intention of going. I'm not judging the story for that; it was fine for what it was. But like last issue, it wasn't really anything of note. If Damian is killed by The Joker, I'll edit this and give the comic a +2 since that ending scene screams, "Damian is going to die!" But come on! Who really thinks anything like that would happen?

Team Seven #2

What is this Black Diamond Probablity nonsense? Another crossover?! Is Team Seven crossing over with All Star Western somehow?

I'm afraid to read this comic because I was pleasantly surprised to have enjoyed the first two. And yet I know this type of comic book is walking a very thin line with me. As soon as they all start mouthing off with the stupid action hero one liners and shooting fifteen thousand bullets per page, I'll turn on this thing. It'll be like the clouds suddenly cleared away from the full moon and suddenly my teeth begin growing. My jaw snap and crack and push forward. Hair will begin to darken my body. I'll be all claws and yellow eyes and desperate needs to chase bunnies. And then it'll all fall apart. I'll start cussing and bitching and calling Justin Jordan a fucking hack. I'll call Gopez's mom a whore and imply that Scott Hanna has indecent relations with people's dead grandfathers.

I'm so concerned that my attitude will shift in an instant that I used a werewolf metaphor when I had a perfectly decent Eclipso simile half-staring me right in the face! Bah! If only there were a way I could turn back time and erase what I'd written so that I could rewrite it as an Eclipso parody! Oh well! Live and learn!

At the end of last issue, Team Seven was being overrun by a bunch of Eclipsed inmates aboard Facility 9, a floating prison for super powered people. I suspect this comic will begin with a lot of shooting.

How do you identify a Hipster? By his need to call out everyone else as a Hipster. Therefore, Alex Fairchild is a hipster since I have absolutely no clue why he's calling them "zombie hipsters."

By the second page, Team Seven has said, "We only have so many bullets," twice. I think they only have so many words as well! Is Team Seven already falling apart? Do I need begin thinking of unique ways to hate this book? Hipster zombies? Repeating lines? A bunch of team members whose names I can't remember?!

What I like so far about the team is they all have slightly different personalities. I'm hoping the gulf between their identities widens as they all get more time to act. But right now, I know Alex is the hipster! And Kurt is the douche bag! And Amanda is the calm and collected know it all. And Cole Cash is the gung-ho action oriented dick in the handkerchief. And Dinah Drake is the sexy one. And Bronson is the one that can do everything that everyone else can't do and also everything that everyone else can do as well. Are those personalities different enough? Did I miss anyone? Oh! Deathstroke is the guy who feels a "Your Momma" joke coming on!

The Sexy One and The Douche Bag.

Look at fucking Kurt Lance! His hair is all moussed up and he's wearing a kerchief. I thought he had a soul patch too last issue but it looks like that didn't make it into this issue. Perhaps he lost it in the fight with the Eclipsed. I have no fucking idea what Black Canary is doing in this panel. She's fucking photo-bombing Kurt, I guess. Whatever is happening, I laughed out loud when I saw her face.

Bronson knocks out a bunch of the Eclipsed by hitting them with other Eclipsed. Then he blasts his feet rockets in their faces as he blasts back to Team Seven. But he goes out of control and smashes through a wall behind them. Meanwhile, the rest of the team poses for the camera. Except for Grifter. He was too far in the foreground, the pompous jerk. Always playing the individual!

So much going on here! The implication that Alex Fairchild is bisexual. The Spider Jerusalem guy whose name I've forgotten. Amanda Waller with an eyeball coming out of her mouth. This comic book has everything!

The team's bullets won't last forever, so they look to Waller to come up with a plan other than running. The plan she comes up with is walking very, very fast. They need to get to the comms center so they can contact Ramos the crazy pilot and evacuate the shit out of themselves. Or evacuate the shit out of Facility 9. I don't what object that verb should act upon!

When the team gets to the comm room, they find that they can't call out. But they conveniently find some footage of the experiment that caused all hell to break loose! The people running Facility 9 allowed a researcher from Arkham Asylum to experiment on their prisoners with a serum called Variant 9. It seems to be composed of Black Diamond since it turns the prisoner into an Eclipsed. And that's the basic plot! Now they can stop standing around in big groups and begin breaking up into smaller groups to find a way out and shoot a lot of shit!

Well, maybe there's a little more time to speculate on what caused the riot!

Team Seven is crossing over with All Star Western thanks to Amanda's amazing knowledge of everything ever!

Even after this little more time, they have more time even to speculate on stuff! At first I couldn't believe I would ever be interested in a comic book where everyone is firing guns at everything every panel. Now I can't fucking wait for someone to kill something! Get on with it, Team Seven! I've go 90s comic rabies!

Because Amanda has all the puzzle pieces, she realizes that the floating prison is headed toward Gamorra. I just barely remember Gamorra being some kind of terrorist super powered run island or something from the pages of Stormwatch and/or The Authority. So the Eclipsed are now a bunch of weapons being delivered to an island run by a bunch of super pricks and super assholes.

Yay for Higgins Jerusalem! Let's start shooting things in the face!

Team Seven shoots their way through a bunch more of the Eclipsed until they find the Eclipsed master. He's invulnerable to their bullets so Deathstroke tries to kill him with his sword. Guess what? Yeah, that doesn't work either, dumb dumb! The master Eclipsed grabs Dinah and calls her "a little bird" which is foreshadowing, I think? Does she become a Bird of Prey?! But then to top off the nineties tussle, Bronson comes in swinging and saying the least imaginative line he can think of!

Seriously, Bronson? Here's one off the top of my head that would have at least fit the situation even though it's chock full of horrible green cheese goodness: "It's time to bring the wane!" Oh man. I can feel myself turning into a professional comic book writer as I type!

The doctor from Arkham is still normal since the Master Eclipsed was using him to make the serum even worse than it was. But instead of doing that, he was working on a device to flash light at the Eclipsed and turn them back to normal. While Team Seven battles the Master Eclipsed, the Arkham Doctor finishes his light device and saves the day. The Master Eclipsed is turned back and Team Seven kills him anyway. Fuck him. He deserved it!

But the Eclipso event doesn't end there! This is a major crossover event here! The big twist is dropped on the final page! This is the big twist that most reviewers won't spoil because they have "no spoiler" policies. But they'll tell you detail after detail of the first nineteen pages only to leave out this last page and pretend they didn't spoil anything. Comic book reviewers are dicks.

Hey! Look at me! Shitting all over my own kind! Mmm mmm good!

Fucking Eclipso. DC has spent so much time trying to make this guy one of the toughest villains in the DC Universe but the fucker can't even go out in the sun. Loser.

Team 7 #2 Rating: No change. I still like this comic but they already had a guest artist with issue two? And while Gopez's work was passable, it didn't knock my socks off. There were too many weird drawing moments and maybe a little more explication of plot than I would have liked for my 90s Reboot comic. We need more bad one-liners that are actually enjoyable and less one-liners like "Shut up!" or "I feel a 'Your Momma' joke coming on!" To be fair, that last one was in Deathstroke #14 but I needed another example. So even though this goes against everything I believe a good comic should be, I need to offer this advice for Team Seven #3: More Fucking Guns, Bitches!

Superboy #14

Why are the all pointing their fists at him? Except Kid Flash. Stupid Kid Flash! The pointing fist plan probably would have worked if they'd all done it together!

Yes, I'm still reading Superboy. But it's not my fault! I'm reading every book of The New 52 no matter how bad it is. It's really YOUR fault. You all need to stop buying this dumb book so DC will cancel it and then I won't have to read it anymore! Look, if you keep reading Superboy because you like the character Superboy, this comic will keep being written by Tom DeFalco and it will keep sucking and you will keep reading shitty Superboy stories. But if you stop reading this book, Superboy will take up residence in another comic book which might write his character better! Except you know he'll end up in Teen Titans and Lobdell's writing is nearly identical to DeFalco.

Okay, new plan. Everyone stop reading Superboy, Teen Titans, and Ravagers! Those books will be cancelled and maybe a new group with members from those groups will be formed. Maybe The Outsiders can make Wave 5. And maybe it'll be written by me! I'm just waiting for a call back from DC. Do I have to make the first call to get a call back? I hope not!

Let's play a game! Who wants to bet that the first page of Superboy #14 is a splash with no action and just a close up of Superboy? Any takers? No? How about if I also say the first page's first narration box will say, "My name is Superboy." Yeah, you'd be pretty stupid to bet against me.

"I am Superboy" Narration Box? Check. Full page splash? Check. No action? Check. Close up of Superboy? No check! Three out four isn't bad but I lost the bet! I hope nobody took me up on it!

I gave myself credit for this picture having no action because Superboy and Jocelyn power walking in the desert does not count as action. Not only are they power walking angrily, they're reacting to events that won't happen for months. That editor's note is no help. Why doesn't it just say, "They're talking about shit that you won't be able to read about for months. Don't worry! You'll understand this scene later after you've completely forgotten about it!" Besides, I thought Legion Lost was over in December at Issue #15! How dare it hang around an extra month to finish whatever horrible story begins in #14 this month.

On the next page, they continue to talk about it even thought Superboy said they didn't have to. So if you're totally invested in being surprised by the events in Legion Lost #14-16, don't look at this next panel I'm going to scan! I'm fucking warning you! Don't do it!

So Superboy's DNA is from the 31st Century! And he was created by Time Traveling Vampire Tim Drake otherwise known as Harvest!

I guess this is the big revelation to take place in the next Legion Lost story arc. Way to spoil the fuck out of your own cancelled book, Tom DeFalco! Now nobody needs to read it! Harvest sends Superboy out to kill The Ravagers and he finds out that Harvest created him and then he gets all emo and pouts a lot and wonders who he really is. I hope we at least find out what DNA was used to create him.

The fallout of the Legion Lost story that has yet to take place is that Superboy and Jocelyn will not be working together anymore. So they worked together for a sum total of about three pages. That went well! To be fair, that doesn't count the pages from Legion Lost that haven't happened yet where they presumably worked together. But do I even need to read those now?

Superboy ditches Jocelyn and heads back to his apartment in New York to discover Bunker making himself at home there.

Why'd you have to mention "closets" when talking about Bunker? Also, I understand what Superboy is trying to say but he's actually saying "If you could break down the food, it's unlikely you'd break down the food." Idiot.

Bunker wants to know why Superboy is so angry so Superboy spills the beans. If you don't want even more of Legion Lost #14-16 spoiled, don't look at the next panel I'm scanning. This one is even worse because it also spoils Ravagers #4-7 as well!

Well, there you go. Don't bother picking up Ravagers #4-7 or Legion Lost #14-16. Save some money and just get Superboy #14! That's seven shitty comics for the price of one super shitty comic!

After they talk, Bunker decides to take Superboy out on a date. Hey! I think I've read this story before! In Superboy #13! And Superboy #12! And Superboy #11! If the "Superboy goes on a date" plot continues like it did in the last three issues, then Superboy and Bunker are about to be attacked while on their date! Probably by Biscarro!

He's saying "Whoa" in Kryptonian. I translated that myself using the Kryptonian Key on the cover!

Does DC care that Tom DeFalco is just recycling the same story over and over? Is he trying to see how many issues of Superboy he can go before somebody notices! I mean somebody that can do something about it since I noticed immediately!

For some reason, Bunker can't see or hear Biscarro. I wish I couldn't hear him either since he doesn't speak like the real Bizarro! He speaks like Brother Blood. And Superboy. And Rose Wilson. And every single character DeFalco and Lobdell and Mackie have written. Do they know how to make distinct characters? Or do they just figure the costume is enough to differentiate everyone in comics? And it literally has to be the costume since every person R.B. Silva draws looks exactly the same no matter what race, gender, or planet of origin.

Superboy can't defend himself against whatever power this bizarre Kryptonian is using against him. I know he has the backwards "S" on his chest, but I can't keep calling him Bizarro. But I guess I can keep calling him Biscarro! So far, he's really uninteresting!

Bunker summons the rest of the Teen Titans by building a giant letter "T" in the sky with his psionic bricks. Since it's the middle of the night, he's lucky Wonder Girl and Kid Flash are up to see the signal.

Who lets there kids run around in Flash costumes in the middle of the night? I think DeFalco forgot to tell R.B. Silva it was midnight while he was doing the earlier panels.

Whatever power Biscarro has, he's using it to take Superboy apart atom by atom when the Teen Titans arrive to rescue him. For some reason, Biscarro can now be seen by other people. Probably because Tom DeFalco is a fucking lazy writer. And guess what happens when The Teen Titans attack? They all get their faces mopped with the floor by Biscarro! That's the way Bizarro would do it, right?

Their pitiful attack does allow Superboy to begin to fight back. But not for long because Biscarro decides to use the old "CRASP!" maneuver!

Oh! Oh! He was beginning to sound like Bizarro in that speech bubble! Or, at the very least, Solomon Grundy!

Once again, the bad guy decides not to kill the good guy because the time isn't right. The Teen Titans finally get it together enough to try another attack on Biscarro. But instead of killing them all with a wink of his eye like he claims he can, Biscarro decides that the time isn't right. Again. So he teleports away with Superboy to leave the last of the Teen Titans trying to figure out which fucking crossover they should be a part of next.

Yep. He's from Krypton, all right. And he apparently has a vagina!*

*To understand what I meant by that statement, you need to be reading my Supergirl commentaries as well. Slacker.

Superboy #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic had the same basic plot outline as the last three issues of Superboy. The antagonist of this comic had the exact same attitude as every other antagonist in Teen Titans, Legion Lost, The Ravagers, and Superboy. And the art was embarrassingly bad. Usually my only problem with R.B. Silva's art is that the women look like the men with wigs. But this issue it felt like he was trying to copy Rocafort's style and it was awful.

Another drop in the ranks for Superboy and nobody is surprised. Is anybody out there enjoying this comic book? Don't worry. I won't make fun of you if you are. I'd just like to know what there is to like about this book that I'm missing. Perhaps it's not what I'm missing! Perhaps it's something I have! A fucking brain!

Deathstroke #14

After reading the comic, the cover should actually say, "To ask some questions of the winged warrior." I guess that wouldn't sell as many issues.

There was a time when I looked forward to reading a Deathstroke comic book. I can't remember a single story from the nineties Deathstroke comic but I remember enjoying it. I wonder if I'd still like it now? Hopefully my mom brings up my Deathstroke comics when she comes up for Thanksgiving this week and I can reread them. Maybe I'll just replace these comics with the old ones. Who's going to notice? Is there anyone out there still reading Deathstroke other than self-hating critics?

I would like to know how this Hawkman crossover event was pitched. I think I know!

DC Editor #1: "How the fuck are we going to get the numbers up on Deathstroke? Why aren't people reading Deathstroke? Deathstroke is cool, right? He's what the kids love! Immoral violence and gratuitous sex with women that don't get any speaking parts!"
DC Editor #2: "I know that's what I like! I can't get enough of this comic! Or Grifter!"
DC Editor #3: "Hmm. If Deathstork's number were equal to..."
DC Editor #1: "Deathstroke."
DC Editor #3: "Excuse me?"
DC Editor #1: "You said 'Deathstork' not 'Deathstroke.'"
DC Editor #3: "No, why would I say..."
DC Editor #2: "You did. You said it. 'Deathstork.'"
DC Editor #1: "Hey, be sure to copyright that. Um, anyway, what was your idea?"
DC Editor #3: "Well, if Deathstroke could triple its numbers, we could keep the comic alive."
DC Editor #1: "Yeah but we already have crossovers going on in every comic in The New 52!"
DC Editor #2: "Not Green Arrow and Hawkman!"
DC Editor #1: "Holy shit! You're a genius! Three birds in one hand and a stone in a bush! But what is the story going to be about?"
DC Editor #3: "Who cares? If those assholes are buying any of that shit, they're not going to hesitate to pick up the other shitty comics we're putting out. Heh. Can you believe people purchased the Green Arrow trade collecting J.T. Krul's horrible mess? Ha ha! Dumb asses.

And here we are! I'm one of those fucking dumb asses buying these comics that nobody at DC apparently cares about. Look at desperate they are? They're simply keeping Liefeld's name on the book to try to get his fans to accidentally shell out money for them.

Currently, Deathstroke is standing on a building next to a sniper rifle Narration Boxing some really deep thoughts.

I have a feeling DC put the graduated color scheme in the background of the Narration Boxes to make them harder to photoshop. But fuck you, DC! I've been doing it anyway! Ha ha!

Do the writers of Deathstroke not want to write a fascinating character? This comic could be fantastic if someone just put some thought into who Deathstroke is, his motivations, his needs, his flaws, his dead dreams and fractured hopes. But instead they just keep writing a guy that is only concerned about his rep and fighting challenging opponents.

This is not fucking interesting.

Here's the plot: some guy gives Deathstroke a lead on the Hawkman job. Big money to kill the alien. Deathstroke almost refuses the job but is told about Hawkman's Nth metal, which Slade's armor is made from although it hasn't merged with him the way it's merged with Hawkman.

Here's why I hate the plot: Carter Hall has only recently discovered he's an alien from another planet. But suddenly everyone on Earth also knows about his life as a Thanagarian Prince and his Nth Metal armor. If this were just about the metal, maybe I'd forgive it (I wouldn't). But this nobody informing Deathstroke about the hit knows Hawkman's fucking lineage but he thinks the Nth metal is called "Eighth Metal." Even though Nth is in giant letters on the packet this schlub hands Slade.

I hate how comic books have basically taught readers to ignore idiotic plotlines. "So what if it doesn't make any sense! It gets Deathstroke into the action so he can punch Hawkman in the face! You want to see Hawkman get punched in the face, right? Well then, turn that incredulity upside down! That, um, makes it credulity!"

"Or how about Deathstork Deathstroke getting punched in the face? That's good too, right?!"

The continuing plot: Deathstroke gets sucker punched by a Warhawk and thinks, "Sloppy. So focused on the job I didn't notice I wasn't the only one on the prowl."

Why I fucking hate the continuing plot: Deathstroke gets sucker punched while thinking that he should be able to hear Hawkman's wings. What the fuck? So the Warhawk's wings sound so different that Deathstroke just ignores them? "Hmm dee dmm. Looking at my wrist instead of Hawkman's apartment and listening for Hawkman should he come flying up on me. What's that sound? Like large wings beating? But they don't sound like Nth Metal large wings, so I'll just continue to keep looking at my wrist. Dumm dee dum dum dum." And of course Deathstroke knows exactly who his assailant is after he gets punched. How does he know what a Thanagarian Warhawk Hunter is? The only way he would know is if his informer happened to mention them along with all the other information he shouldn't have known. In which case, Deathstroke should have known he might run into them.

As you can see, I cut writers no slack at all. Just because someone is a professional and getting paid for it doesn't mean they're any good at what they do. And they need to be called on their crap when they pass off panels like this as entertainment:

If you thought that was funny, stop reading my blog. Right now. You're not welcome here!

Deathstroke kills this Warhawk and then finds himself fighting Hawkman. But Hawkman is at a disadvantage because Hawkman doesn't know that Deathstroke doesn't want to kill him! That's a snide comment about Deathstroke #13.

"Look me in the eye! I'm telling the truth!"

Hawkman doesn't want Deathstroke's help. But Deathstroke has one other shallow, cliche trait that doesn't help establish his character; it just makes him look like every other mercenary character in every comic book universe ever.

Being flexible isn't a flaw, Deathstroke. Being rigid and unswerving is. Fuckface.

Too bad Hawkman doesn't have the same stance that Deathstroke has! Then they would have to fight to the death because neither one of these idiots never quits. But Hawkman does quit fighting as soon as he takes a good look at Deathstroke's armor. "Nth Metal Brothers!"

Hawkman tells Deathstroke the Nth Metal's history and how it came to Earth. It's all supposition and guess work but what the hell? He can think of it so it must be true! His brother-in-law Corsar's miners stole it and sold it and it somehow made its way to Earth. He doesn't have any proof but who cares? That's never stopped anyone from believing something simply because the thought popped into their head. That's actually schizophrenia but far too many "normal" people do it as well. Have you ever listened to Coast to Coast AM? Occasionally they have "experts" on "angels" and "heaven" and how do they know everything they know? It just seems to make sense to them so it must be true!

"Every time a writer needs it to do something, I suddenly learn a new power of the Nth Metal!"

Where the fuck did Green Arrow go? Wasn't he supposed to be in this thing? Although I'm really relieved that I had that information wrong! Fuck off, Green Arrow!

After Hawkman and Deathstroke become the bestest of friends and Nth Metal Brothers, they're suddenly attacked by more Warbirds led by Pike. I think that's Pike. I'm pretty sure it's Pike. Now he's going to want to kill Deathstroke as well since Deathstroke has Nth Metal armor.

Deathstroke #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic book is just a gigantic disappointment. And I fear it's only going to get worse. It's consisted of Deathstroke attacked by people who want to gain some reputation. People attacking Deathstroke for a challenge. People attacking Deathstroke to get revenge for people he's killed. And now it looks like it'll also have the added surprise of a new plot twist: people attacking Deathstroke to get his Nth Metal.

Suicide Squad #14

That's Harley under the face this time. Deadshot already had his turn wearing Joker's face.

Last issue ended with the promise of a funeral. Possible people being buried: Deadshot, Nana Waller, El Diablo, Fake Black Spider, Regulus. A lot of people died (or possibly died!) last issue! My hope is that it'll be El Diablo's funeral but my stupid, contrarian gut believes it'll be Nana Waller's funeral. But why would The Joker show up at that funeral? Does The Joker take credit for turning Amanda Waller into the bad-ass bitch she is? Did he convince Nana Waller to put her out on the street? Did he introduce her to Team 7? Did he help her come up with the Suicide Squad? Did he convince President Obama to put her in charge of the Justice League? Eh. I wouldn't be surprised!

Harley in her funeral duds. She looks good in Joker Purple.

The funeral is for Deadshot. But that doesn't for a second make me believe he's dead. Remember, Amanda brought Harley back from the brink of death with her Samsara project. And Amanda has one of Resurrection Man's hands to help move her Samsara project even further along so that she can bring the dead back to life. Floyd Lawson (Deadshot!) might be her first patient!

Attending the funeral are Harley, Amanda and Captain Boomerang. And don't forget The Joker! He's going to have to show up too since this is a Death of the Family crossover.

Amanda seems to have a problem that Deadshot killed himself. She does refer to her Task Force X members as The Suicide Squad, doesn't she? Perhaps I'm mistaking about that. Anyway, it doesn't matter. Amanda knows he's not dead. Captain Boomerang, on the other hand, isn't in the need to know group of people.

And then it happens much quicker than I expected it to. The Joker shows up after knocking everyone out with some kind of green Joker rain. I didn't know he could control the weather!

I'm a fairly cynical person who was raised on horror movies. Fiction doesn't often shock me. I can be moved to tears, laugh uproariously, gasp at surprising moments. But I don't think I often feel disgusted or disturbed by fictional events very often. If they're simply being done to manipulate, they come off cheesy and hackneyed. But when the setting is right and certain events are expected and things are unraveling all around the characters, sometimes, although rare, I can actually have a visceral reaction to the thing I'm reading.

This is one of those moments.

It isn't just the outright spousal abuse depicted in this reunion. It's also that until this moment, when The Joker callously punches the one person in the world that truly loves him, and the further way he abuses her here at Deadshot's funeral, did I feel how utterly psychotic The Joker truly is. He's already killed dozens of people in the other Death of the Family comic books but what comic book villain hasn't done that? He killed those people dispassionately as part of his overall plan. But here is The Joker in a passionate, violent rage while the woman that loves him continues to say things to please him and calm his rage. This scene where he torments her because she didn't wait by celibately for his triumphant return heavily emphasizes why Harley was crying and telling Batman that Mr. J isn't the same as before in Batman #13.

And why should he be? He's now playing a more disturbing parodied version of himself. With the mask, he is now a crazy person playing a crazy person and the stakes have simply been ramped up in a satirical send-off of The Joker's usual ways. If people were mourning the Harley/Joker relationship before this, they were a bit preemptive. Since Deadshot is most assuredly not dead, this funeral needs to be for someone or something and this relationship has just been killed.

I wonder how many people will justify this as The Joker beating on Dr. Harleen Quinzel, thus excusing his irrational behaviour? Or maybe they'll just point out that he's insane. I guess that'll work.

After The Joker is done tormenting Harley Quinn, he still feels she needs to be punished by punishing someone else she cares for. Since Harley doesn't give a shit about Captain Boomerang or Amanda Waller, The Joker turns to the only person here she cared about.

The next panel has The Joker threatening to circumcise Deadshot's corpse. Does God recognize the covenant if it's done post-mortem?

Harley pulls Amanda's gun on The Joker before he can open the casket and see that Deadshot isn't in it. She threatens to kill him but he decides to strike a deal with her. He doesn't cut up Deadshot's wang and she puts on a Red Hood to fool Batman in Batman #13 last month. My guess is she accepts the deal!

After Harley and The Joker take off to Gotham City and everyone at the funeral recovers from the green rain, Amanda Waller heads down to the lab to check in on her Samsara Project.

Amanda, you need a new scientist if "science" is third on her list of successful experimentation, right after "nature" and "luck."

Elsewhere in the lab, Iceberg has grown a new hand made entirely of ice. El Diablo sits unfrozen and meditating. So I don't know exactly how Iceberg's power works. I thought it turned whatever he touched into ice. But since El Diablo is entirely unharmed, it looks like his power just covers things in ice. Whatever the case, El Diablo is being deprogrammed from the Regulus brainwashing and accepting Lucifer into his life while getting rid of all that holier than thou God shit he's been spouting. From here on out, he's going to be unholier than thou! King Shark is being deprogrammed as well. And he's getting a visit from a friend.

King Shark has a secret!

Further down in the sub-levels of Belle Reve, Amanda has a little chat with her newest captive, Black Spider. He turned on the Squad because he believes what Basilisk believes: the new super powered people are a threat to everyone. He tries to convince Amanda that she's mankind's only hope to stop them. Or something like that. Maybe he's just buttering her up. Anyway, he really doesn't have to try too hard. Amanda is already on the ball when it comes to keeping an eye on these new "supers." That's why she was on Team 7. That's why the Suicide Squad exists. That's why she has files on them all. That's why she has operative Kurt Lance going after the Teen Titans. That's why she wants to become the liaison to the Justice League. That's why she's FUCKING EVERYWHERE IN EVERY FUCKING COMIC BOOK! So just relax, Black Spider. If that's the way you think, she'll get you back on the team soon enough.

Meanwhile back in Gotham City after Batman has been trapped in a vat in the ACE Chemical warehouse, Harley tries to get her ass away from Mister J. But he has other plans.

Looks like Harley is going to a party!

Suicide Squad #14 Rating: +1 Ranking. It felt like this issue got a lot of story told in twenty pages. After seeing the way Mister J treats Harley here, I'm really worried for Batman and his people! The Joker has gone off the rails he was on after going off the rails. Is there a term for an insane person going insane? And all of the downtime Belle Reve stuff was good too. And Deadshot will be back in two issues. Fuck, I bet the people who read those fucking stupid ass solicits and look at future cover art already know exactly which issue Deadshot will return. Why do people need to know that shit so far in advance? Just the enjoy the ride and stop needing to know everything before everyone else knows it.