Superboy #14

Why are the all pointing their fists at him? Except Kid Flash. Stupid Kid Flash! The pointing fist plan probably would have worked if they'd all done it together!

Yes, I'm still reading Superboy. But it's not my fault! I'm reading every book of The New 52 no matter how bad it is. It's really YOUR fault. You all need to stop buying this dumb book so DC will cancel it and then I won't have to read it anymore! Look, if you keep reading Superboy because you like the character Superboy, this comic will keep being written by Tom DeFalco and it will keep sucking and you will keep reading shitty Superboy stories. But if you stop reading this book, Superboy will take up residence in another comic book which might write his character better! Except you know he'll end up in Teen Titans and Lobdell's writing is nearly identical to DeFalco.

Okay, new plan. Everyone stop reading Superboy, Teen Titans, and Ravagers! Those books will be cancelled and maybe a new group with members from those groups will be formed. Maybe The Outsiders can make Wave 5. And maybe it'll be written by me! I'm just waiting for a call back from DC. Do I have to make the first call to get a call back? I hope not!

Let's play a game! Who wants to bet that the first page of Superboy #14 is a splash with no action and just a close up of Superboy? Any takers? No? How about if I also say the first page's first narration box will say, "My name is Superboy." Yeah, you'd be pretty stupid to bet against me.

"I am Superboy" Narration Box? Check. Full page splash? Check. No action? Check. Close up of Superboy? No check! Three out four isn't bad but I lost the bet! I hope nobody took me up on it!

I gave myself credit for this picture having no action because Superboy and Jocelyn power walking in the desert does not count as action. Not only are they power walking angrily, they're reacting to events that won't happen for months. That editor's note is no help. Why doesn't it just say, "They're talking about shit that you won't be able to read about for months. Don't worry! You'll understand this scene later after you've completely forgotten about it!" Besides, I thought Legion Lost was over in December at Issue #15! How dare it hang around an extra month to finish whatever horrible story begins in #14 this month.

On the next page, they continue to talk about it even thought Superboy said they didn't have to. So if you're totally invested in being surprised by the events in Legion Lost #14-16, don't look at this next panel I'm going to scan! I'm fucking warning you! Don't do it!

So Superboy's DNA is from the 31st Century! And he was created by Time Traveling Vampire Tim Drake otherwise known as Harvest!

I guess this is the big revelation to take place in the next Legion Lost story arc. Way to spoil the fuck out of your own cancelled book, Tom DeFalco! Now nobody needs to read it! Harvest sends Superboy out to kill The Ravagers and he finds out that Harvest created him and then he gets all emo and pouts a lot and wonders who he really is. I hope we at least find out what DNA was used to create him.

The fallout of the Legion Lost story that has yet to take place is that Superboy and Jocelyn will not be working together anymore. So they worked together for a sum total of about three pages. That went well! To be fair, that doesn't count the pages from Legion Lost that haven't happened yet where they presumably worked together. But do I even need to read those now?

Superboy ditches Jocelyn and heads back to his apartment in New York to discover Bunker making himself at home there.

Why'd you have to mention "closets" when talking about Bunker? Also, I understand what Superboy is trying to say but he's actually saying "If you could break down the food, it's unlikely you'd break down the food." Idiot.

Bunker wants to know why Superboy is so angry so Superboy spills the beans. If you don't want even more of Legion Lost #14-16 spoiled, don't look at the next panel I'm scanning. This one is even worse because it also spoils Ravagers #4-7 as well!

Well, there you go. Don't bother picking up Ravagers #4-7 or Legion Lost #14-16. Save some money and just get Superboy #14! That's seven shitty comics for the price of one super shitty comic!

After they talk, Bunker decides to take Superboy out on a date. Hey! I think I've read this story before! In Superboy #13! And Superboy #12! And Superboy #11! If the "Superboy goes on a date" plot continues like it did in the last three issues, then Superboy and Bunker are about to be attacked while on their date! Probably by Biscarro!

He's saying "Whoa" in Kryptonian. I translated that myself using the Kryptonian Key on the cover!

Does DC care that Tom DeFalco is just recycling the same story over and over? Is he trying to see how many issues of Superboy he can go before somebody notices! I mean somebody that can do something about it since I noticed immediately!

For some reason, Bunker can't see or hear Biscarro. I wish I couldn't hear him either since he doesn't speak like the real Bizarro! He speaks like Brother Blood. And Superboy. And Rose Wilson. And every single character DeFalco and Lobdell and Mackie have written. Do they know how to make distinct characters? Or do they just figure the costume is enough to differentiate everyone in comics? And it literally has to be the costume since every person R.B. Silva draws looks exactly the same no matter what race, gender, or planet of origin.

Superboy can't defend himself against whatever power this bizarre Kryptonian is using against him. I know he has the backwards "S" on his chest, but I can't keep calling him Bizarro. But I guess I can keep calling him Biscarro! So far, he's really uninteresting!

Bunker summons the rest of the Teen Titans by building a giant letter "T" in the sky with his psionic bricks. Since it's the middle of the night, he's lucky Wonder Girl and Kid Flash are up to see the signal.

Who lets there kids run around in Flash costumes in the middle of the night? I think DeFalco forgot to tell R.B. Silva it was midnight while he was doing the earlier panels.

Whatever power Biscarro has, he's using it to take Superboy apart atom by atom when the Teen Titans arrive to rescue him. For some reason, Biscarro can now be seen by other people. Probably because Tom DeFalco is a fucking lazy writer. And guess what happens when The Teen Titans attack? They all get their faces mopped with the floor by Biscarro! That's the way Bizarro would do it, right?

Their pitiful attack does allow Superboy to begin to fight back. But not for long because Biscarro decides to use the old "CRASP!" maneuver!

Oh! Oh! He was beginning to sound like Bizarro in that speech bubble! Or, at the very least, Solomon Grundy!

Once again, the bad guy decides not to kill the good guy because the time isn't right. The Teen Titans finally get it together enough to try another attack on Biscarro. But instead of killing them all with a wink of his eye like he claims he can, Biscarro decides that the time isn't right. Again. So he teleports away with Superboy to leave the last of the Teen Titans trying to figure out which fucking crossover they should be a part of next.

Yep. He's from Krypton, all right. And he apparently has a vagina!*

*To understand what I meant by that statement, you need to be reading my Supergirl commentaries as well. Slacker.

Superboy #14 Rating: -1 Ranking. This comic had the same basic plot outline as the last three issues of Superboy. The antagonist of this comic had the exact same attitude as every other antagonist in Teen Titans, Legion Lost, The Ravagers, and Superboy. And the art was embarrassingly bad. Usually my only problem with R.B. Silva's art is that the women look like the men with wigs. But this issue it felt like he was trying to copy Rocafort's style and it was awful.

Another drop in the ranks for Superboy and nobody is surprised. Is anybody out there enjoying this comic book? Don't worry. I won't make fun of you if you are. I'd just like to know what there is to like about this book that I'm missing. Perhaps it's not what I'm missing! Perhaps it's something I have! A fucking brain!