Superman #16

Why is Superman so angry at his logo?

• Superman's plan from last issue worked perfectly and like a charm as well. It worked so well that he's now powerless and in the clutches of Prophecy. But since that was the plan...success! Way to go, Superman!

• Since Prophecy is full of the power of multiple Supermen and Super Rabbits, he is five hundred feet tall. Also his head is on fire. That means he's full of energy, probably. Also because he's so powerful and Superman has lost his powers, Prophecy decides to tell Superman why he's doing what he's doing. What harm can it do? At the very least, Prophecy is helping Superman to understand that some sort of crisis, probably infinite in scale, is coming to destroy the universe. Usually I'd ask grumpily, "How the fuck does he know?" But his name is Prophecy so that answers that.

• Prophecy needs the powers of all of the Supermen to save his dimension (I still don't know what number it is. Probably 48). After he accomplishes that, he may save the other universes too. But only if he has time. When Superman hears that, he's all, "When you believe you're going to be the savior of the universe, you're always destined to lose!" I think he learned that from Sun Tzu's dumber brother.

• Superman is tossed into a giant grave which the Supermen of the Multiverse are digging. But not Captain Carrot, even though rabbits are great diggers. He's just sitting there looking adorable.

That grave is big enough for a five hundred foot tall Superman, hint, hint!

• Superman took the only ship that can travel across the Multiverse (aside from the Eye of the Storm, I suppose) so Red Racer has to build another one at superspeed. This winds up killing him because of physics or something. It might have had something to do with his being gay as well.

• With the new ship, Justice League Incarnate can follow the beacon of the original Ultima Thule's music. They can travel to Prophecy's world and rescue the cute little rabbit.

• With the arrival of Justice League Incarnate, all of the supermen and superwomen and superrabbits get their powers back for some reason. Physics, again, I guess. Probably not homosexuality this time.

• Prophecy's hand is removed by the Supers because that's where he was storing their power. Then he teleports away while claiming he's all that stands in the way of oblivion. Or Oblivion with a capital O, I suppose. Maybe he meant Obsidian. He's gay!

• And that's the end! Everybody lives...FOR NOW!

The Ranking!
No change! That ending was anticlimactic in the extreme. It was so extremely anticlimactic that it was sort of climactic! Because I was totally expecting a bigger, more thrilling fight! I was expecting a plan to come together! I was expecting something other than "Hey! Hey! We got our powers back now everybody punch Prophecy at the same time! Winners!" But instead I got something disappointing which was a total twist which means it was a surprise which means it was climactic, right? No? Anyway, Prophecy has found himself with Tim Drake, a prisoner of Doctor Oz(y(man(hattan)dias)). Apparently the biggest secret of the DC Universe is that no character has ever died ever in the DC Universe's existence. They're all just locked away in some afterlife zoo.

Superman #15

Yay! Earth 13's Superdemon!

• This issue begins on Earth 14. That's special because Earth 14 was a mystery until now! Previously it had been theorized by geniuses in the theorization game that Earth 14 was where the Monitors did their sexual experiments. But today, we find out that it's home to the Justice League of Assassins! I don't think they know the difference between justice and vengeance. Somebody should show them the after-school special, "Bloodlust Justice."

• The following statement is obvious but I thought I should say it because you probably wouldn't think it on your own even though you'll realize how obvious it is when you read it. Earth 14 Aquaman is way cooler than Earth 0 Aquaman. He's got a mohawk and a laser eye and a shark's jaw around his neck. I bet he even has better powers like forcing sea life to murderfuck his targets.

• The Justice League of Assassins manage to kill all of the Gatherers that have come for them. But then Prophecy shows up and obliterates them in one gesture. That guy is the most powerful character in the Multiverse, I bet! After Harvest, of course!

• After realizing what has happened to Earth 14's Justice League, Preboot Superman comes up with a plan. Collect all the remaining Supers from all the other Earths and protect them in the Orrery of Worlds. I didn't say it was a complex plan. It's not like Batman came up with it.

• They collect Superdemon from Earth 13, Nazi Superman from Earth 10, Superman from the Batman Beyond Earth 12, Wild West Bison-headed Superman of Earth 18, and legacy Superman from Earth 16. They probably pick up some more but they don't have time to show scenes from all 37 Earths that still have Supers on them.

• The next step in Preboot Superman's plan is to get caught. That's because they don't know where Prophecy lives. Probably on Earth 24 or 25 or 27 or 28 or 46 or 49. If it isn't any of those Earths then it's an entirely new dimension! Crazy!

• Preboot Superman's plan works! And we finally get a look at Prophecy!

He's kind of boring. I guess the broken sword gives him some character. And the flaming head. But the wide floppy mouth just makes him look silly. And the lines on his inseam make it look like he has a boner.

The Ranking!
No change! I did like seeing all the different worlds but not much else happened. And why introduce me to the Justice League of Assassins just to wipe them out? Why couldn't Earth 0 Aquaman have been replaced by Earth 14 Aquaman?

Superman #14

Prologue to some kind of crisis of infinite proportions.

• DC Comics has no idea what they want their comic book universe to look like. Infinite Earths? Way too fucking confusing! How about just one? You know what? That kind of hampers Flash so let's give the universe some alternate Earths but not too many. Also, maybe we can call them different timelines which are totally different than alternate dimensions. But altering the structure of the universe alters the history of the characters and even tough we totally embraced having a world where both Wonder Girl and Wonder Woman coexist even if they were originally the same character at different ages, we'd better restructure everybody's pasts with some kind of zero hour re-origining. Oh, you know what? Dan Jurgens still thinks Booster Gold should be super important so lets do something with him and Rip Hunter to make the universe more interesting. Although more interesting also means more confusing so maybe we can fix some stuff by having Superboy punch the fuck out of all of it? There! Perfect! Except, you know what? Maybe we should just scrap it all and start over! We'll hire all of the shittiest writers from Marvel and tell them just one world with no alternate timelines and no time travel! Boom! Totally fixed. Hey. What the fuck are Lobdell and DeFalco doing? We said no time travel, you idiots! Oh? The time travelers are from a different future timeline where they can time travel? Makes sense! Go for it! I mean, Ann Nocenti is making Oliver Queen soliloquize on a rooftop so do we really give a fuck anymore? You know what! We do! We've heard a few vague whispers that maybe some people might possibly miss Wally West and the legacy heroes! Let's bring them back and restart starting over! We'll blame The New 52 on the Watchmen (read: fans) and be all, "Rebirth, bitches! This is the universe we wanted to write about but you all demanded something that sucked!" I imagine this whole Multiplicity thing is going to throw a few wrenches into the already broken machinery of the DC Universe.

• This issue begins with Clark Smith almost running over Russian Superman. Does this have something to do with Trump's presidency?

• The Russian Superman warns Preboot Superman that some guy named Prophecy is collecting Superman the way nerds collect Magic the Gathering cards. I only use that simile so that maybe I can work in how unpleasant Magic the Gathering players are. They totally are!

• To be fair, I should tell this story! An ex-girlfriend of mine (before she was an ex) and I were at the laundromat one day opening up some Magic the Gathering packs. The Dark had been out for quite a while but Fallen Empires had yet to be published. We were pretty new to the game. Some college kid (I say kid but he was about our age (I guess we were kids then too!)) noticed us and I saw him take off. We were near the Santa Clara University dorms and he probably rushed back to his room to get his cards. He came back and engaged us on the hobby. He saw our enthusiasm for this new game and was just as excited to talk to us about it. While checking out our cards, he gave us both a Maze of Ith from The Dark set. So, you know, not all Magic the Gathering players are selfish, unsanitary wastes of space. That Maze of Ith he gave me was the only one I ever owned, even after buying enough Dark pacts and making trades to finish the set.

• I don't like to offer evidence that disproves my broad brush statements! I'd rather just say terrible things and have people think, "What a fucking dick!" It's just more fun to write stuff like that! And if I don't care what my mother and father think of me, why the fuck would I care what some Internet nobody thinks of me?!

• Russian Superman escaped from Prophecy with some information! Not about who peed on what but about Prophecy's search for his next Magic Card: Kenan Kong! Oh no! Not New Super-man! He's my favorite! Asterisk!

• *: Kenan Kong is my favorite Chinese Superman and not my favorite comic book character. My favorite comic book character is Skywise.

• Prophecy collects his Supermen through the use of creatures he calls Gatherers. Like Magic the Gatherers!

You can tell they're from another dimension because they spell list with a y.

• Russian Superman came through the dimensional barrier speaking Russian. The Gatherers come through speaking English. Convenient!

• I bet they actually speak "Englysh."

• The Gatherers helpfully explain what Prophecy does with the people on the lyst. He processes them! He consumes them! He adds them to his deck! But Superman is all, "I have a punch and a hilarious battle retort for this whole lyst thing! Ready?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha! Get it?!

• The Gatherers don't seem confused by the mention of Santa Claus. I guess they know him!

• The Gatherers mention that Communist Superman is from Earth 30. So at least Rebirth is sticking to the Multiversity Guidebook. It's nice to know that the people in charge don't always throw out every good idea they have.

• Preboot Superman and Red Superman defeat the Gatherers just before the Multiversity House of Heroes appear. They have Red Racer from Earth 36 and Thunderer from Earth 7 and Obama Superman from Earth 23 and Lady Aquaman from Earth 11 and Mary Marvel from Earth 5 and Mecha-Armor Batman from Earth 16 and Abin Sur Green Lantern from Earth 20 and some Deathstork looking motherfucker from Earth I Don't Know. I'm happy to see Multiversity being picked up and used in Rebirth!

• President Superman explains that his team is called Justice League Incarnate. They protect the Multiverse from bad guys like the Anti-Monitor and The Gentry and Magic the Gathering players!

Boom! Nailed them all from the double splash page. Except Machinehead who is from the Marvel Universe Parody world of Earth 8.

• Kenan Kong is captured before the Justice League Incarnate can save him. But Preboot Superman manages to gather a Gatherer! They'll probably vivisect it to find the way to Prophecy's home universe.

• Elsewhere, Prophecy is busy constructing his deck. The next card he chooses is Captain Carrot whose power is consumed by Prophecy and Captain Carrot turns into a fuzzy little bunny who can't write comics at all. Probably. Also captured by Prophecy: Kenan Kong of Earth 0; Bizarro Superman of Earth 29; Vampire Superman of Earth 43; Prez Rickard's Pal, Superman of Earth 47; Super-Soldier of Earth 32; O.G. Superman of Earth 2; Lady Superman of Earth 11; Super Fascist of Earth 50; Pirate Superman of Earth 31; Golden Age Superman's super great grandchild of Earth 38; Super-branded Superman of Earth 45; Kingdom Come Superman of Earth 22; and Superman of the Earth One Prestige Format books. That's a lot of Supermen! Oh, and just for information's sake, Captain Carrot is from Earth 26!

• There will be a quiz.

The Ranking!
+1! Yay! I fucking love the Multiverse! DC made the biggest mistake of their lives with Crisis on Infinite Earths, even though it was the most exciting thing ever to be done at the time. The only fault with it is that the superheroes didn't exactly win since they only saved one Earth out of infinity. It was a much better idea (only thought of decades later) to have them save a few more than that.

Batman #16

Catwoman piddles skulls.

• I just had to call the owner of a pet store whose floor I clean and it gave me a stomach ache. I own my own stupid business and I still can't feel like an equal when talking to another adult business owner over the phone! Luckily the majority of my business is sneaking into stores when they're closed at night, cleaning the floor like a fairy tale elf, and then disappearing before I'm seen. Maybe I should hire a personal assistant who can make all of the business phone calls. But then I'd have to interact with the personal assistant and probably pay them. Forget it.

• This is the first part of "I am Bane." I guess all of Tom King's stories are going to be similarly named. "I am Gotham." "I am Suicide." "I am Rooftops." And now "I am Bane." I am bored!

• The issue begins with somebody sneaking into Arkham Asylum.

Unless they're sneaking out! This is one of those pictures that can go either way. Look, he's sneaking in! Now refocus. Oh! He's sneaking out!

• The person breaking into Arkham is Bronze Tiger. He wants a piece of Psycho Pirate because he's going through Venom withdrawals and he needs a mystically induced psychotic laugh attack. Instead he finds a guard compromised by Bane who shoots Jeremiah Arkham in the face.

• Don't worry! I just wanted you to think Jeremiah died for half a second because I thought he died for about that amount of time too. But then I was all, "Maybe that's not Jeremiah! It's probably just a doctor who was shot in the face." But it was Jeremiah Arkham! Which is why I was relieved when Batman said, "Don't worry! The bullet only grazed his face."

See? In comic books, you can easily rewind to the previous moment after finding out what really happened. Total graze! I guess? Good work, Finch! I can't believe I was fooled. It's so obvious when you take a really close look at the image and remember that Batman said it was a graze.

• Later, armed with the knowledge that Bane is about to kill him, Bruce Wayne gets lunch at a place called Batburger. They're totally infringing on his trademark. But what can he do?! He'd have to reveal his identity to sue! So instead, he has to live with the humiliation until he can accidentally beat up Firefly near the restaurant after Bruce Wayne's lawyers manage to cancel the restaurant's fire insurance.

• Bruce is having lunch with the Batkids: Damian, Dick, Duke, and the dumb one.

This is why Damian is the best Robin. Other characters that shine in this scene: Dick, Duke, Bruce, the employee in the background.

• There sure are a lot of penises at this Bat-lunch.

• David Finch is terrible at art. None of these characters look like themselves. They look like Finch just grabbed a J.Crew catalog for reference.

• Bruce explains that Bane is coming for Psycho Pirate but he needs Psycho Pirate for five days to make Gotham Girl sane again. Hey! That really works well for a five part serialized tale!

• None of the Batkids are worried because Bane hasn't done anything scary since Knightfall. Nobody even knows why he's still a threat. But Bruce is concerned because he can hardly remember the name of the Batkid who has yet to come back from the dead. You know. The boring one? Old what's his nerdy name? Bruce doesn't want to forget another one of his sidekicks.

• Bruce is all, "All of you kids: get out of my city! Bane is dangerous which is why I don't want help stopping him. I mean, it will be difficult for me to protect Gotham Girl and defeat Bane at the same time. But it's better if I do it alone. So Red Hood, go be poorly written somewhere else. And Damian, go teach people about how racism is bad in San Francisco with your new writer. And Dick, go fuck a redhead. And Duke, um, whatever. Have you even come up with a superhero name yet?"

• Batman knows that telling Robins to stay out of a fight means they won't stay out of the fight. He has no control over those kids at all. Except for Duke. Duke still hasn't tested the length of the leash. When he does, he'll discover the leash doesn't really exist. It's like going through customs after flying into Singapore. You think you're going to get a full blown cavity search after all their bluster about the death penalty for bringing drugs into the nation. And then when you get off the plane, you just stroll right past the guy in customs loudly snoring with his feet up on the desk and a newspaper over his face. They figure people will be so scared that nobody even bothers to try to smuggle in drugs. What I'm saying is, if you're into drug smuggling, you should try doing it in Singapore! Super easy!

• After writing that, I will never again visit Singapore because I am certain I'll get a cavity search next time.

• Duke doesn't know it until the final page of this issue but he's smart to listen to Batman. Because this issue ends with a cliff-HANGER!

Ah ha ha ha ha!

The Ranking!
No change! Guess what? The Robins probably aren't even really dead! That's my guess and I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I know some of you are worried that they've all been killed again. But you shouldn't worry! This is probably just a terrible joke thought up by Red Hood. He was all, "You know what would be funny?" And Damian was all, "Me killing you?" And Red Hood was all, "You little bastard!" And Dick was all, "Hey! HEY! Calm down! This is no time to argue! We should try to figure out how to get free of these nooses Bane put us in before we asphyxiate!" Then they all asphyxiate and die. Now Bruce and Alfred will have to choose which two to resuscitate! I mean, Dick and Damian, obviously. I double mean, they aren't actually dead! Come on!

Batman #15

This is the worst cover of an issue where Catwoman and Batman fuck.

• Last issue, Batman and Catwoman fucked. On a rooftop covered in diamonds. You could see Selina's ass and everything, if you got out a microscope (which you probably already had so you could find your tiny penis which you were totally going to beat off (if you are a woman then you probably don't have a penis. Or a microscope)).

• I know, you think I totally erased trans women in that last bullet point. But I said "probably"!

• This issue begins with Bruce and Selina naked on a roof. It's much better than that time they fucked in Catwoman #1 written by that guy from Road Rules: San Francisco. In that one, Selina's boobs and vagina were hanging out of her costume while Batman was still nearly fully dressed. Although in this one, Mitch Gerads might have forgotten who he was drawing.

I don't think that's Selina!

• Catwoman tells Batman she loves him. Batman tells Catwoman he loves her. And I just remembered it's Valentine's Day! What a perfect day to read this! Because I love reading comic books while eating a fucking ton of chocolate!

• Batman and Catwoman call each other Bat and Cat, respectively. Or not respectively. Whatever. Anyway, I think they should just call each other Man and Woman.

• Faced with going to prison for life, Catwoman flees Batman. She gets away because she puts on her costume quicker than he puts on his. They also leave a roof covered in diamonds. I bet Alfred has to go retrieve those later. Wearing latex gloves, of course. They're probably covered in sex juice.

• Now instead of proving he's the World's Greatest Sex-tective (again), Batman has to find clues to his new case: The Case of Missing Out On More Poontang. He needs to solve it before the cops solve it or else they'll lock up his chances at having more sex.

• Batman gets his throat slashed because he's in love. That's why he can't be in love! He's not a good Batman when he's in love. But Catwoman saves him because she's in love. That's why she can't be in love! She could be free but she comes back to save Batman! These two!

• The woman who slashed Batman's throat is the woman who killed the 237 terrorists responsible for burning down the orphanage. So maybe Batman's a better detective than I thought!

• Catherine Turley, aka Holly Robinson, aka the woman who murdered all of those people Catwoman supposedly murdered (but didn't just like I said, right from the beginning, that she didn't do. Grandmaster Comic Book Reader, you unfaithful jerks!), flees Gotham. And Catwoman flees justice. But then, why would Batman try to put her in Blackgate now? Sometimes you just have to say, "Fuck Jim Gordon." I mean, "Fuck the law!"

• The issue ends with some corny line about Catwoman stealing the night or something.

The Ranking!
No change! For being a Valentine's Day comic book, it wasn't romantic at all!

The Hellblazer #6

Constantine's face looks like a cross between David Duchovny and a lamp post.

• It looks like we're still trying to discover the poison truth! This is part six! Exclamation points for everybody!

• While Constantine and Mercury are headed to France via the Cannibalistic Hell Tunnel (you know, the Chunnel), they have time to discuss what happened to Mercury while she searched for Abby Arcane. John also decides to tell her about the time he did mushrooms with Mercury's mom.

One time when I did mushrooms, I spent one thousand years in a time loop in the parking lot of a strip joint, was spied on the entire time by Jupiter, and invented comic books.

• One time, I pondered why you push the pause button on a DVD remote to pause the action but then you also pressed the pause button to resume the action.

• One time, I realized the secret of everything resided in the shape of a triangle due to the number three.

• I loved doing hallucinogens but I never claimed to anybody that they gave you actual insights into spirituality or the answers to the universe or helped in any other way than to pass the time in a thoroughly enjoyable manner.

• When Mercury left Swamp Thing, she wound up in the dimension where God banishes his mistakes. No wait. God probably doesn't make mistakes. It's where he banishes the creations he has grown bored with. Although can God really get bored? I mean, he's probably always bored, being omniscient. And if he's always bored, why send some creations to his Dimension of Discarded Toys? Maybe that's where creations go that he wills himself to forget about because they served their purpose. What purpose, you ask naively? God's mysterious purpose, of course! Duh!

• In the Dimension of Discarded Toys, Mercury met Adnan, the brother of the genie who wants to destroy humanity (for their own good!).

• Meanwhile, Clarice has sent out little red invitations with goat emblems on to every mage she knows. She's been forced to work with the genies and they need a bunch of magicians in their corner if they're going to defend against whatever stunt Constantine is going to pull to stop them.

• Oh, I also get an answer to a question I asked previously.

Enh. I'm still going to call them genies. Who cares what word a creature prefers when that creature is about to commit genocide.

• While Clarice convinces the other mages to work with Marid the Genie, Mercury finishes her story. Adnan helped her escape but she left him behind.

• Surprise! That was a lie! It wasn't my lie though even though it's usually my lie when I lie here like a liar. No, this was Mercury's lie. She actually did rescue Adnan from the Dimension of Discarded Toys and locked him away in her own mind prison to use later. She has this power because she's really a...well, nobody actually says. She might be a fairy or a genie or a hobgoblin or just Irish. Constantine probably already knows her secret but he's keeping it to himself to use later.

The Ranking!
No change! This issue is basically just a train ride and a cocktail party. Nobody dies or has sex. There weren't even any robots fighting. So boring.

The Hellblazer #5

Stop oversexualizing Constantine, Comic book artists!

• The huge revelation in this comic book is that genies actually exist and weren't just made up by Scheherazade. Not that that's much of a revelation since Johnny Thunder's Thunderbolt is a thing. The genies had decided not to interfere with humans so that they wouldn't be discovered. Maybe that's why Thunderbolt chose to act like he was working with a human. He could help make the world a better place while hiding in plain sight. Also, maybe nobody even fucking remembers Thunderbolt since Johnny Thunder is apparently 90 years old and stuck in an elderly care facility, according to DC's Rebirth.

• The previous bullet point took over twenty minutes to write because I asked Lord Google for the proper way to spell Scheherazade (because I'm too lazy to pick up my copy of Volume I & II of The Book of The Thousand Nights and a Night sitting on my desk in arm's reach and flip through it to get the proper spelling) and wound up on a forum where some guy was bitching about how the Magic the Gathering card, Shahrazad, should be banned from play because it annoys the fuck out of him. If that were the basis for banning cards in official Magic the Gathering tournaments, I'd have to ban every single fucking card because the people playing them annoy the fuck out of me and isn't that really the same thing?

• I don't play in Magic the Gathering tournaments anymore. Let me get out my wide brush: people who play Magic the Gathering are intolerable.

• Yes, I play (or used to play? I suppose I'd still play Sealed Deck leagues if I could stand other players) Magic the Gathering. That isn't proof against my statement.

I scanned this for the sentiment. The plums that look like pudgy little penises are a bonus.

• I often wonder why it seems like there isn't as much time during each day as I seem to remember there being. Then I think, "Oh yeah! The Internet!" What a time sink that thing is! Why isn't anybody regulating this thing?!

• That was a joke!

• The man fingering the plum is actually a genie. He's not as hyperactive as the one in Aladdin but then how many of them are? Probably not many of them. Although Aladdin was really lucky to find a genie who wasn't into cutting off the heads of everybody he met or dismembering people and hiding them in trunks. This genie wants to save mankind from itself in the usual way which probably means genocide with some additional enslavement. The woman, Clarice, is a mage who he's forcing to work with him. If she doesn't, he'll banish her to the Land of Discarded Toys. I think that's the island where Darien Wolf died to save his sister Therese.

• I guess that's a spoiler but if I don't mention what it's spoiling, it isn't really a spoiler, is it?!

• Meanwhile, Swamp Thing is declared physically unfit to continue doing a favor for Constantine. Also, the new artist draws Mercury in such a way that I instantly lose my crush on her. Apparently I never actually liked Mercury herself. I only like the way Moritat draws Mercury. Also, I like the way Moritat draws Tallulah Black. And also Charlotte the Harlot. And also Lorna Kyle. And also Gina. And...okay, every female Moritat draws, I fall in love with. And also some of the men! Like Jonah Hex! But I think that had more to do with the writing in All Star Western and less with his physique.

• Swamp Thing explains how he goes to the water closet and then disappears into the Green. Now it's up to John, Chas, and Mercury to figure out why the genies need an elemental.

• I should probably call them Djinn since that's what they call themselves. But I also would just rather use the Anglicized version. Since they don't actually exist, I'm hoping that I don't get called a disrespectful racist for not using the term they prefer.

• Ha ha. I wrote "disrespectful racist."

But genies is okay, right?!

• Constantine decides to get to know Mercury better by telling her three things he supposes she doesn't know about him and then getting three pieces of information from her that will probably help him when he needs to cast a spell on her later.

• Fact #1: Constantine can't ride a bicycle. I wonder if anybody went through every issue of Swamp Thing and Hellblazer to verify this fact or if they just went, "This is fucking Rebirth, motherfucker! Everything is what we say it is! Boom! Is this the appropriate time to drop a mic?"

• I bet his other facts are "I've never eaten peanut butter" and "I suck dicks. Lots of dicks. All the dicks."

• Mercury's number one fact is that she used to eat McDonald's. Ew! Slut!

• Constantine hates the word "moist." Boring. Fucking boring! You know who I hate more than the people I actually hate and aren't just pretending I hate to make a stupid point? People who say they hate the word "moist!" Along with moist, Mercury also hates these words: slacks, smear, squirt, nomads, Indians, and saints.

• Constantine's third fact is that he wished things had turned out differently between him and Mercury's mom. Or maybe the creepy pedo means between him and Mercury! He's about as clear on the point as The Bible is on its use of pronouns.

• Mercury's third fact is that her mom is in Cane Hill Asylum which just happens to be one left turn away from where they're currently playing John's game in the back of Chas's black cab. So they go to visit!

The bit about nobody being ready for real life is something I often think. But then how do you explain all the people running things and trying so hard to look like adults? If they're as truly not ready for real life as I continue to be then I can only think they're monsters. They're some kind of mimic desperate for other people to approve of the way they're doing the thing that gets approval from people who think that's the way they're all supposed to be. Also, it might just be about sex. You act like an adult because confidence, responsibility, and financial security are all things people look for in mates. Otherwise you just wind up fucking your next dependent.

• Mercury calls Constantine a tosser which reminds me I'm not playing Overwatch. My main character is Tracer and I always have her in her Vivienne Westwood outfit because while wearing it, she sometimes calls people she kills wankers or tossers.

• Meanwhile, it seems Simon Oliver finished the script a page too early so he threw in a scene where Swamp Thing tells his parents to go stuff it. Sort of.

The Ranking!
+1! Constantine didn't swear at all this issue! I think maybe he's been replaced by a simulacrum!