Justice League #13

I feel like Wonder Woman should be immune from any type of mind-control while she holds her lasso.

Steve Trevor is tormented by Eclipso until he finally succumbs to the darkness.

What Did We Learn?
We learned that writers, especially comic book writers, tend to believe everybody has a dark side that they're barely keeping in check. Apparently we all want to slaughter everybody around us and drink their blood and dance in their spilled entrails. I would like to find this unbelievable because it's not something I believe. But then I see how quickly people are to anger and I think maybe there's something to it. If Eclipso were to turn me using the darkness in my own heart, he'd just have to get some piece of technology to fail me. He can just come up to me and say, "Can you print this for me using the wireless printer that's totally on the network and should only take a few clicks of the mouse?" Then I'd be all, "Sure!" Within minutes of the stupid thing telling me it can't find the printer or that the print job is spooling and spooling and fucking infinitely spooling, I'd be one of his pawns. Heck, even when I go to shut down my computer and I accidentally put it to sleep instead, I'd become Eclipsed! But I don't go around thinking I'd like to murder somebody just because they got my fast food order wrong at the drive-thru. Have you ever been to dinner with somebody who seems to be having a nice time and then some internal clock ticks past the exact second where they think they should have been served or waited on and they become inhuman monsters to the staff for the rest of the night? Those people deserve to be turned into Eclipsos and then murdered by Deadshot.

The Ranking!
-1! It's not a fucking Justice League story. It's a Steve Trevor story! And it casts him in an unsympathetic light. Oh, sure, he saves a bunch of people. But look at how he reacts to finding his niece and nephew Eclipsed:

Even if they can be cured, Trevor wants to kill them because he'll still have the memory of them being murderous little monsters! Fucking selfish bastard.

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #5

I don't know the name of this sex act but I've done it.

People often inquire about the scars all over my back and I begin my response with "I don't know the name of the sex act but..." and then go on to describe it.

I was just on a Wikipedia page listing a bunch of animals that have been known to engage in homosexual behavior to see if a shark would really fuck me in the ass. This gay animal was my favorite:

I wonder if this is an effective chat-up line at gay bars? "Guess who's got two thumbs and is full of old, less effective sperm?"

The issue begins with the Justice League saving the world according to Max Lord's instructions. Because that's what Eclipsos are known for: humanitarian acts! I guess it's just easier for Max Lord to mind-control other Eclipsos when he's the Master Eclipso. I just hope the world is saved before the sun shines on it!

In two minutes, The Flash can learn how to dismantle all types of weapons of mass destruction, discover their locations, and then actually dismantle them. But he's still constantly defeated by guys with cold guns and boomerangs.

At first I thought maybe Max Lord was serious about saving the world. Flash dismantles all weapons of mass destruction in the world. Sounds good. The Green Lanterns put up a protective bubble around Earth to keep out cosmic invaders and errant asteroids. But then Aquaman secures "our shores and borders." What is he securing all shores and borders from if Max is saving the world? A dolphin invasion? The image shows Aquaman blocking some ships with a bunch of whales which leads me to the conclusion that Max Lord is really just interested in saving the United States of America.

Wonder Woman takes all leaders hostage under the guise of protection while Cyborg hacks into all communication networks and begins streaming "Cyborg's Football Facts and White Noise Dance Party" twenty-four hours a day.

Oh, there you have it. From Max Lord's mouth to your eyes.

This might be the wrong day to be reading this comic book because Eclipso Max Lord seems like a hero in the context of the current inauguration.

I haven't needed to point this out in quite some time but maybe DC's colorists should do some research on the American Flag before coloring it. Or the editors should, I don't know, run a quick Google Image Search before okaying the American flag with a red stripe directly under the blue field of stars.

My brain just asked me this question so I thought I'd pass it on to you: When MRA-types get angry at a decision made by Starbucks, do they begin referring to it as Starcucks?

The entire Justice League hasn't been turned into Eclipsos. Max Lord missed Batman. Which means he missed the most important member! I wonder if Batman will get the privilege of beating Max Lord with a single punch at the end of this story or if that pleasure will go to Amanda?

Batman, Amanda, Deadshot, and currently headless Lobo are all trapped under rubble in Belle Reve. They have no idea that the United States is completely safe from all attacks that weren't threatening it anyway. Max Lord is a genius how he changed absolutely nothing! What a hero!

Superman stops by to rescue Amanda Waller. Instead of killing Batman, Superman just leaves him. That seems illogical! Right now, Superman is under the spell of Eclipso. He believes Max Lord has saved the world. Batman is currently the one threat capable of ruining Max Lord's peace! To ensure world peace, Superman should kill Batman. It's so obvious. But then, Superman has never been the smartest member of the Justice League.

And then Lobo's head grows back.

This is practically my comic book dream team! Just add Halo, Katana, and Black Lightning and we've got the greatest incarnation of Batman and the Outsiders ever!

Batman's plan had not only been to stop Lobo from killing them but also to remove Max Lord's mind-control over him. What better way than blowing off his head? Lobo totally agrees which is why Lobo is the greatest character of all time, no matter how much that statement makes me sound like an 80s heavy metal socially awkward white male! I mean, that's what I was when Lobo became the gold standard of bad-ass bad guys. I refuse to acknowledge the years when he was just used as a punching bag to show that other heroes were so smart or powerful that they could defeat the biggest non-crossover-event threat in the DC Universe! When he's written well, he's a lot of fun. When he's written by Cullen Bunn, I have to struggle not to kill myself.

Crawling out of the hole, Lobo, Batman, and Waller run into the rest of the Suicide Squad. They're struggling to contain Eclipso Cyborg. He must have gotten a virus while taking over the world's communications (which include pornographic websites, obviously) which slowed him down enough to be captured by Boomerang, Croc, Frost, and Harley Quinn. Normally he'd just knock them all unconscious with his White Noise Cannon since they all have ears. At least I think Killer Croc has ears. Oh, he must! That's why there's that phrase about crocodile ears.

Cyborg has managed to maintain a certain amount of control because he's half-machine. Max and the Black Diamond weren't able to control Cyborg completely. That probably means after this story is over, Cyborg is going to fall into another depression where he sits and wonders if he's really human at all.

Max Lord is beginning to fall under Eclipso's spell so Batman organizes a new Justice League to go after him. This new League is really just a Suicide Squad who aren't allowed to kill anybody. It features Lobo, Harley Quinn, Captain Boomerang, Killer Croc, Killer Frost, and Deadshot. See? Not really much difference from the usual Squad.

Max thinks he's created a peaceful world but in reality, people are running amok. Amanda decides it's time for that punching thing to happen. Or a good solid backhand, at least.

Everybody is becoming an Eclipso while Max is becoming The Eclipso. Still, I'd rather live in this DC Universe than the current real one.

Batman's Suicide Squad arrives just in time to see Max Lord turn into Eclipso. This incarnation, Eclipso makes sure the sun is covered in darkness so he can't be destroyed. The only way to defeat Eclipso is with the sun's energy so now I can think of only one last chance: Superman must piss on him!

What Did We Learn?
Who has time to learn anything?! Donald Trump is now president of the United States of America! I have to go find as many kittens as I can to hug and kiss!

The Ranking!
+1! Enjoyable!

Suicide Squad #9

Lobo's expression makes it seem like DC Comics are far sexier than they really are.

That's how everybody reads pornography, right? With their tongue hanging out while sitting on surfaces that reflect light impossibly? Not that anybody "reads" pornography anymore. And by "'reads' pornography," I mean spend hours searching through the bushes in and around the local junior high school until you stumble upon some kid's hidden stash of magazines with titles that scream "This magazine has never been seen in a shop anywhere in this city so where the fuck did it come from?" My guess is that Girls Who Eat Cum and Vaginas On Mustaches were direct market magazines sold only to adult "book" stores.

This Justice League vs. Suicide Squad tie-in issue is about the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad's first mission. The team consists of Rustam, Emerald Empress, Doctor Polaris, Johnny Sorrow, and Lobo. Call me neuro-atypical but isn't Lobo enough? If you have Lobo, I don't think you need a team. You also don't need to threaten him with a bomb inside of his brain. You just pay him, wash your hands in a bowl of water being held by a Roman nearby, and get on with your life. Easy peasy!

There first mission is to stop a DC Version of North Korea from destroying the world with their new metahuman weapons.

I don't mean to be critical of Lobo's English since he's obviously ESL and who am I, a guy who knows only English, to criticize a person who has made the kind of Herculean effort to learn more languages than the one they learned almost automatically from birth BUT he really doesn't need to both start and end a sentence referencing the person he's speaking to. I will not change that to "to whom he's speaking" because that's an antiquated grammar rule which tries to force English to be more like Latin. So don't correct my English when I'm trying to correct somebody else's, you jerk!

Amanda adds one more member to the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad team: Cyclotron. In a different version of the DC Universe that isn't this one at all, Cyclotron was Nuklon's grandfather. This is before Amanda came up with the brain bombs and thought she could manipulate people by dangling gold-plated carrots in front of them. Cyclotron is probably the "brain bomb" last resort for when she loses control of these maniacs.

The Squad is airdropped into the tiny evil country where they immediately encounter the metahuman threat composed of Growth, Missile, Statue, Wind, and Island.

Bah. No man is an island.

Even though it's an obvious thing to say, I just like the rhythm of that caption responding to the panel.

During the battle, Amanda realizes that the civilian populaces are inextricably linked to their metahuman overlords. When the metahumans die, the civilians die as well. So Amanda decides maybe they should abort the mission before everybody on the island is dead. Amanda Waller of the past is soft!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad defeats the metahumans and the evil emperor. The only part of the mission left is to destroy the machine the country was using to create metahumans. Past Amanda Waller screams at them to destroy it in an emotional display which Present Amanda Waller would never succumb to. Sensing her desperation to destroy this machine, Cyclotron steps forward and proposes a better idea: the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad should use the device to take over the world themselves. For the first and last time, Amanda Waller shits herself.

That last sentence doesn't have the impact it should because I forgot to mention this story is called "The First and Last Mission of Suicide Zero."

Amanda realizes that gold-plated carrots aren't the best thing to dangle from a stick if she wants to keep people other than Lobo or Captain Carrot in check. She makes a mental note to check into the efficacy of brain bombs and then tells Rustam to destroy the machine himself. Lobo also decides he wants to destroy the machine because he's one of the smartest villains in the DC Universe in that he would rather have money than the pain in the ass bullshit that comes with ruling the world. I'm glad he said that (and Rob and Si wrote that) because it's tiresome having all these super-villains who are fighting to simply have more stressful lives. People who want power are fucking damaged idiots with low self-esteem and probably tiny hands and the worst comb-over in the history of comb-overs.

Amanda Waller thinks up a new plan on the spot: double the size of the gold-plated carrot!

I'm beginning to sympathize with Lobo in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. Did Amanda renege on the promise of payment and instead stick him in The Catacombs? I suppose the story isn't over yet but Lobo may be the only member of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad with an actual beef against Amanda. Oh, and Rustam! But he's a Quraci terrorist so fuck him!

Cyclotron tries to talk his way out of being killed by Lobo. He points out how he was promised his freedom to go on this mission but now Amanda has ordered him killed. How can you trust a lying monster like that?! I mean, ignore the part where Cyclotron decided to derail the mission and stopped doing what he promised to do for his freedom. I don't think that part is important to Cyclotron's argument. I mean, sure, he's right since he was really just part of the mission so Amanda could abort it using his death (probably! I'm still not past the part where Lobo decides to kill Cyclotron! Which means he's also killing Future Nuklon, I guess! Poor baby Nuklon! Although I'm assuming Nuklon is okay since Cyclotron already had his baby girl by the time he got his powers. So good news, Nuklon fans! Nuklon will be around in like fifty years or something.).

Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

I suppose everybody here should be pissed that Amanda tried to kill them all with Cyclotron's blast. But all of them except Lobo and Rustam brought it on themselves, really. I hope Lobo gets his double-sized gold-plated carrot at the end of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. I bet he does. That's why he joins the Justice League of America! For the excellent pay and benefits. I mean, he won't actually get the benefits because they're only going to hire him part time. And his pay won't be that great because he's technically unskilled labor and an illegal alien. But the promise of constant violence is a nice perk!

The Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad manage to survive the blast but they were all comatose. So Amanda built a prison for them and locked them away because they were too dangerous to have in the world. Mostly they were too dangerous to her and her future plans. Always best to just bury incriminating evidence way out in a desert. Or so I've heard.

What Did We Learn?
I don't think we learned anything we didn't already know. Lobo will do anything if he's getting paid. Amanda Waller is a monster. Some other characters exist with motivations already mentioned in Justice League vs. Suicide Squad. But I do appreciate having this Rebirth origin of the super-villain version of the Suicide Squad, mostly because Lobo is in it. Also, Lobo was written well! Not that it's hard to write Lobo. You just have him refer to himself as the Main Man, say "frag" or "bastiches" once or twice, mention how he always does a job he's been paid for because he's an honorable genocidal maniac who loves violence, and don't have him say "Sorry, not sorry." Easy!

The Ranking!
+1!

Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #4

This isn't even a challenge! How did these two become nemeses?! Comic books are stupid.

We're at the halfway point which means something important, probably. Like maybe the title is no longer accurate. Now it should read Justice League + Suicide Squad vs. Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad #4. But for some reason, DC Comics thinks the best way to sell product is to stick a "vs." on it. You might notice that I, from the beginnings of this blog, believe the exact opposite. Whenever a comic book title just had two character names on the front, I would add a "loves" between them. Because love trumps vs. Or something.

Have you ever wondered what college would give me a degree in literature?! Well, I'd tell you but they have a court order forcing me to remain silent. Sorry!

I should issue a possible (although highly improbable) correction for last issue. Last issue, I believed the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad were destroying an island nation to recover Eclipso. But since Eclipso never appeared and the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad begin this issue attacking Belle Reve without Eclipso front and center, it's possible (though highly improbable) that I was wrong. They might have just been after a Black Diamond so that they could control Eclipso who was imprisoned in Belle Reve instead of The Catacombs for some reason. I bet that reason is because he's not currently Eclipso. He's just in his Bruce Gordon guise sitting in a dark cell screaming, "What am I doing down here?! And how unimaginative were the writers who created me and decided to name me a portmanteau of two famous Gotham characters?! I probably used portmanteau wrong but I don't care! I've gone crazy from loneliness!" It's also possible Eclipso isn't Bruce Gordon but the other guy whose name I can't remember. Selina Pennyworth or something.

Superman begins the battle by aggravating Lobo.

I would have begun by mentioning the Lobo/Bueno Excellente sex tape.

The next move is Max Lord's. I guess they're taking turns instead of creating a chaotic brawl because while Max Lord uses his mind-control powers on Enchantress, everybody just stands around and watches to see what happens. Maybe they just rolled too low on their initiative checks.

Next, Johnny Truant opens up his face and spills minotaurs all over the floor. I guess that's the sign to turn this into a chaotic brawl. According to the initial brawl splash pages, Aquaman is matched up with Rustam. According to the next bunch of panels under the splash, Rustam simply walks away to kill a bunch of guards and enter the control room where he plans to release all of the prisoners by smashing the computers. I really think these high-tech prisons need to rethink these electronic locks and just go back to using individual keys for every cell. Any time any electrical interference hits the prison, they have a riot on their hands. The only way that would happen with manual locks is if a speedster broke in and stole the keys.

Luckily Katana saw Aquaman completely fuck up and arrives in time to stop Rustam. That seems like an obvious match-up, right? They each have a sword! Too bad Deadshot didn't match up with Rustam. He could have killed Rustam in one panel.

I guess nobody has to worry about Max Lord since he apparently broke his back on the way to the vault.

Killer Frost goes after Max but since Amanda Waller didn't brief everybody on the mission, she's mind-controlled by Max Lord. All Amanda (or Superman!) had to tell everybody was that if they see Max's nose begin to bleed, knock him the fuck out instantly. I should be running the fucking Suicide Squad! And the Justice League!

Lobo chases down Waller, Deadshot, and Batman. That means Lobo has the toughest fight of all the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad members. Emerald Empress is battling Superman and Jessica Cruz.

At least I thought it was Jessica Cruz. It looks like her. But she made that light construct too easily. So it must be somebody else.

I admit, it still could be Jess since I've stopped reading Green Lanterns. Maybe there was an issue where she learned how to make constructs without spending four pages wrestling with her anxiety.

Simon Baz returns to crack the shit out of the Emerald Eye. This causes the Emerald Empress to panic and mention how she needs to find Saturn Girl. Saturn Girl is in Arkham! Everybody knows that! Anyway, Emerald Empress disappears.

Katana defeats Rustam and Wonder Woman defeats Johnny Truant (with a little help from Harley Quinn).

Doctor Polaris defeats lots and lots of heroes at once by manipulating the iron in their blood. Remember when Magneto first did that back in like the seventies or eighties and everybody was all, "WHOOOOOOOOOA! COOOOOOOOOL! HE'S SO POWERFUL!"? Well, that's why Doctor Polaris is on the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Because he's just being written as DC's Magneto.

Cyborg defeats Doctor Polaris with like his White Noise Cannon except he pretends it does some magnetic thing this time. He's not fooling anybody! He only has the one attachment!

By "everything," Deadshot, of course, means "bullets. Lots and lots of bullets." Now if he'd throw a few bucks at him and purchase his talents, Deadshot might actually stop him!

Apparently the best way to defeat Lobo is to run away from him. He's fucking slow!

Batman rushes off to find one of Waller's injectable brain bombs that her team just leave lying around the complex, along with the remote to blow the bomb. He comes back, injects Lobo, and blows Lobo's head off. It's okay though because Batman doesn't kill. That means Lobo will be fine. Pissed off but fine.

Waller reveals that Max is after the Eclipso Diamond so they all rush off just in time to be Eclipso'd by Max. Well, the Justice League is, at least. Max decides not to control the Suicide Squad because he has to make some kind of mistake or else he'll rule the entire world! I mean, if his plan is to control the world using the Eclipso Diamond, why not just control everybody he comes into contact with? I guess next issue can once again be called Justice League vs. Suicide Squad since the Justice League are currently evil. One more example of why Superman should go live on Mars and stop allowing villains to use his power to threaten the world.

What Did We Learn?
It's a toss up between power corrupts and power doesn't always corrupt but the incorruptible people with power usually wind up being used by corrupted people so it doesn't really matter anyway.

The Ranking!
No change!

Vixen Rebirth #1

What animal do you think Vixen channels when she shits?

Vixen is a superhero that I think could easily have made it on the Doom Patrol. I know they sort of already had Beast Boy so maybe that's why she didn't make the cut. Another reason she didn't make the cut was that she has control over which animal she wants to channel at any one time. If she were really Doom Patrol material, she'd probably still have control over what animal she channels but she'd be even more like the animal and it would be harder to get back to a human state. Also, she would flip into animal behavior easier. So if she were being interviewed for a job, Vixen would have to be really careful not to think of an owl because standing on the back of the chair and tilting your head from side to side ominously before diving at the interviewer's pen probably would cause her to lose the job. Unless that's what the job was for. Then boom! Job acquired!

Not that Mari McCabe (Vixen!) would ever need to go out on a job interview. She's an internationally renowned model! People are dying to see her walk with a dress on! They pay big money for that kind of talent. I know that kind of sounded like I was mocking models and I probably was. But not because I don't think what they do isn't useful. I mean, I do think what they do isn't useful. But I would never mock them for that! I totally want a job doing things that aren't useful! I was kind of mocking them because people who think of the job as something serious take it way too seriously. Sure, there are people on the other end who think it's the stupidest thing in the world and nobody should ever do it. I think that is a poor attitude! Just because something somebody does is stupid that's no reason to decry its very existence. If people are willing to pay money for something, other people will do that thing no matter how many people believe there's no reason for that thing to exist. I'm not into fashion so I don't give a fuck about modeling. But I don't care that modeling exists. It doesn't affect me at all! Sometimes it even helps me because a fashion trend might accidentally line up with the moth-eaten potato sack look with jeans style that I totally rock! It would be nice if people thought I was trendy for once.

So, um, anyway, I totally wasn't mocking modeling. But I was jealously kind of mocking it because wouldn't it be nice to be so good looking you only have to learn to walk a certain way with a certain look on your face and maybe turn around and walk back? Of course you have to be good looking in the way that the people doing fashion and have all the money think is good looking at the time. That's kind of a crap shoot, really. Obviously modeling is a job just like any other job and most people hate being at their jobs. Not always because the job sucks. I imagine modeling can be pretty fun if you're the kind of person who doesn't stress out over every little thing. But it's still a job where somebody else is telling you where you have to be for how many hours and you have to be there even if you'd rather be home playing Overwatch. I guess if your job was staying at home to play Overwatch and you liked doing that, it would be okay. Like, if I actually got paid for writing terrible shit about people's efforts in the comic book industry, I'd probably enjoy that. But that's really about it. Maybe I'd also like to get paid to shit all over people's religions.

The issue begins with Mari McCabe on a talk show called "Impossible...But True!" That stupid title is impossible but true.

Host Angela Chen is an asshole.

I can't imagine this is the first time Angela Chen has ambushed a guest on her show. My guess is that this is her show. So why would anybody go on it? This person might be hurt and angry about their life but how does that mean Mari McCabe is in any way responsible? Why do people like television where people just yell and scream at each other? Fine, I like some television like that! But certainly not the kind that pretends they're doing something meaningful or helping in any way other than helping people who love to jerk off to drama on daytime television. I like shows where people fight like Big Brother because nobody is pretending putting a bunch of narcissists into a house with each other is doing something beneficial. They know it's just to see them fuck and fight and flip out! But what kind of journalism does Angela Chen think she's up to? "This week, I'll destroy the reputation of somebody who is known for doing good by having one person who has a beef with her on the show to yell at her and expose her flaws of not completely helping everybody who thinks they deserve her help! BOOM! Ratings! I mean, better world!"

Goddammit! My rant made me miss a better caption for that picture! I just realized what that girl screamed: "What were you doing that was more important than my mom?" Giggle giggle snicker snicker nudge nudge.

Mari decides she's going to help this bitter little asshole of a girl who thinks she deserves her help. Fucking entitled brat. But, I guess that's what makes Mari a hero and me just a bitter, middle-aged man writing about comic books as I sit in my underwear and stroke my cat.

Mari takes this young girl's words to heart because she lost her mother at an early age as well. She saw her butchered in front of her eyes by some warlord named Kwesi in her home in Zambesi. I chose the word "butchered" because that's how people die in Africa, at least according to every issue of The New 52 Batwing. I suppose sometimes they're also massacred. Batwing's brother even took the name Massacre! Her mother passed down the Tantu Totem but the flashback doesn't get to the part where Mari accepts it yet. She's being a stubborn teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Mari doesn't even don the totem until she decides to help the girl who yelled at her on television.

Mari tracks the girl's mother to a cave where a man named Spiderbite has imprisoned every member of the jury who convicted him of murder. Mari defeats him easily because this is just a single issue story. Heroes only have trouble when the story has to go at least two parts. Then they have to fail before they can succeed or else the entire second half of the story will be denouement. And you can only have so much denouement before readers get antsy.

After a few public heroic acts, Mari returns to jerko Angela's show to introduce the world to Vixen. The subsequent yawn threatens to destroy the world.

What Did We Learn?
We learned Vixen is back and she's going to be in the Justice League of America! Oh, did you learn something else about responsibility and legacies? Well, I can't help what you decided to learn after reading a funny book and taking it too seriously. That's your problem.

The Ranking!
I don't rank one-shots! Unless I do! Then I should have said, "I'm not ranking these JLA one-shots!"

New Super-man #7

The new guy is Mister I-Ching. He was Philip K. Dick's favorite.

I'm planning on doing a quick review after reading this issue instead of the usual rambling as-I-read commentary but sometimes I can't keep myself from hitting the keyboard. I just wanted to show this portrayal of Lex Luthor and add a comment.

Way too many writers would have went the obvious and easy route of Lex being able to speak Mandarin fluently. Because he's such a fucking genius. But this is way more believable and entertaining. Sure, he's smart enough to know he needs to know Mandarin for business purposes. But that doesn't mean he's going to be capable of fluency. Genius has limits and I love seeing geniuses treated as such.

Oh, and then this exchange in English between Superm-man and Lex is also charming and on point.

I respond the same way when people ask if I speak English.

I scanned that before I even read the next panel which begins with a Narration Box saying, "No idea what that guy just said." I don't think that bit was necessary but I'm sure some people might have missed that Kenan really couldn't speak English without the added clarification.

Although I wouldn't mind a little more clarification on this next bit!

Stuck in a rock?! I can't wait for Wonder-Woman's origin!

Bat-man and Wonder-Woman visit The Bat Academy to pick up Bat-man's little sister, Jiali (or soon to be the Robin of China. Or Ro-bin, I guess?). While there, they discover the place is being hit by a graffiti artist and I learn some new Chinese Internet slang!

I love this because it's a lot like my website name, Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea. "Grass Mud Horse" is spelled similar to the Mandarin phrase "fuck your mother" (although they have different tones and use different symbols). And, according to the Wikipedia page, the place the Grass Mud Horse is from is similar in spelling to "your mother's fucking cunt." The really interesting part is why the Grass Mud Horse exists but since it isn't an immature use of words to make naughty words, it has no relevance to my blog. I mean, it's about censorship so maybe it has relevance to my blog?

Aside from this issue featuring Kenan doing Tai Chi, it also has a Battle for the Cowl! From what I've heard about the original Battle for the Cowl, I hope this one is more entertaining. It's between Bat-man of China, Baixi, and Wanna-Be-Bat-Man of China, Feng Douchenozzle. The battle is going poorly for Baixi because some goofy asshole is hacking into the hard-light constructs making up the arena. But Wonder-Woman goes down to deal with him.

Meanwhile, Kenan is getting his ass beat by I-Ching. It's a lesson in humility to prove to Kenan that he needs to train the Mister Miyagi way. That way is through hours and hours of frustration and hard work without ever being told why you're doing the hard work or putting up with the old man forcing you to do his chores. It's pretty effective.

What Did We Learn?
We probably learned something about pride or arrogance, I guess. It's hard to realize what a story teaches when you already know the lesson the story is trying to teach. And since I know everything there is to know, this story is pretty meaningless to me.

The Ranking!
No change! Still DC's best superhero comic though!

New Super-man #6

This kind of collateral damage is why people hate the Justice League. She owes Kenan a new bubble tea.

New Super-man is aptly named. He is the update Superman needed. People may have been able to relate to Superman in the forties and fifties but even by the sixties, he was already outdated in his social mores and attitudes. It's why people call him a Boy Scout and why DC Comics is constantly trying to fix him by making him punch things harder. It's not that Superman is too soft or that he doesn't grimly punish those who deserved to be punished, like people in Gotham so desperately poor and in such hopeless circumstances that they think a job as The Joker's henchman is a solid life choice. It's that he's stiff! He's a dud! He's got a super stick up his super butt. People can't relate to him because nobody acts that noble¹. But Kenan Kong? Holy shit, yeah. This is a great start on a modern Superman. A New Super-man. This guy has flaws up the yin-yang²! Kenan is an Everyman with a decent heart and that makes for a thoroughly enjoyable read. He's what the kids today would label "gross" or "problematic" and then destroy him even though he's one of the good guys.

This issue begins with The Great Ten telling the CEO of the airline hijacked by The People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom that they're going to destroy the plane containing the Starros which also, incidentally, contains his son. He's all, "Oh, sure! National security and all that. Patriotism. Sacrifices must be made for the greater good." August General In Iron and the other nine great Chinese heroes whose names nobody can remember fly off to murder a bunch of civilians. I suppose one of them could save Lixin while the others destroyed the people with stars on their faces. But there are only ten of them. One probably can't be spared for that. Also, it's probably too fiddly a job to remove the Starros from the faces of the innocent victims. Time is probably of the essence or some other cliché. Better to just blow up the plane, I suppose.

Kenan figures out how to control his super-qi so that his powers come back. He's going to need his freeze breath to snap the Starros from the hostages' faces. Hopefully he'll get help from Lixin and Lixin will say, "Always bet on fat," and then become Kenan's sidekick.

Speaking of Passenger 57 (sort of), I really need to rewatch that movie. I've claimed for most of my life that it's the worst movie I've ever seen and I don't think I continue saying that if I can't completely remember all of the reasons why it's so bad. I remember one my main problems with it (and this is a real narrative problem and not a problem with how the plane takes off and then lands at a fair so they can fight on a Ferris wheel and then the plane takes off again (which I think is something that happened but, as I said, it's been decades since I've seen the movie) was how Blade quit the police force because he tried to fight back against criminals and his wife was killed as a result. So he decides he'll never do that shit again. But then he's on this plane that gets taken hostage and what is the first thing he does? He interferes! And what happens? Somebody immediately dies! How does that not fucking ruin him right there? Oh yeah! Because the new person to die wasn't his wife, I guess.

I don't have anything snarky to say, I just love this panel. I love Viktor's art.

It's not that I'm not eloquent enough to describe why I love this comic book so much³, it's just that I'm too lazy to figure it all out. I know it has something to do with how Kenan's character is being fleshed out and how his Daddy Issues aren't just the thing that drives him but they have affected who he's become and how he approaches life. I like that the bad guys have a reason for existing and that they're not totally bad guys. And how the good guys have a reason for existing and they're not totally good guys. I like how Kenan and Baixi and Deilan are caught up in a vague political struggle which they've never really considered; they're just young and excited about being superheroes. I like how this is a real world with real characters. I love the fucking art. And Gene Luen Yang is writing an entertaining, humorous, joyful story. I wish that this would be the example for future generations of comic book writers. This should be the standard.

Kenan slaps some Starros on the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom members, thinking he's solved the problem. But instead, he's just made them even more loyal to Uncle Human Firecracker. Flying Dragon Father chases Uncle Human Firecracker to the cockpit while Kenan tries to get his freeze breath to work. He can't quite get it and just blows in Wonder-Woman's face, so she flings him against the wall where he discovers his future sidekick hiding.

What a great team!

Super-man manages to freeze the Starro off of Bat-man's face because Bat-man is easier to manhandle than Wonder-Woman. It's probably a good thing because Bat-man comes up with a plan to drop the temperature in the cabin to freezing which kills all of the Starros. Of course, that means the People's Book Club of Ultimate Freedom Members are once again free to act like assholes. Except that's when The Great Ten arrive and the Book Club decides working with the Justice League of China to stop The Great Ten from killing everybody is probably the more responsible revolutionary choice.

While the fight rages outside, Super-man and Flying Dragon Father confront Uncle Human Firecracker. The fight ends about how you'd expect a comic book fight in which the superhero's father is a participant. Flying Dragon Father is gravely injured when he shields Kenan (who has, once again, lost his powers due to being overly emotional) from Uncle Human Firecracker's final fireworks display⁴. Now that the day is basically saved, Kenan turns his attention to flying the airplane to a hospital.

You can't really go wrong with an origin story that takes bits and pieces from Superman's, Batman's, and Spider-man's origins.

Super-man decides he's going to find who at the Ministry of Self-Reliance ordered the death of his mother, Leather Liberty Goddess, and make them pay. Bat-man and Wonder-Woman agree to help him. They've seen enough bullshit at the Ministry that they're ready to continue with the project but carefully and full of suspicion.

The epilogue reveals that Dr. Omen has the body of Flying Dragon Father in a Bacta tank because he's only dead and not dead dead. Plus she calls him "My love" so it's not looking good for her as not the prime suspect in Kenan's mother's death. Kenan's dad might also have some 'splaining to do.

What Did We Learn?
It's easy to care about people we know and love. It's heroic to care what happens to everybody.

The Ranking!
+1! So good!

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¹I don't mean to suggest that a character like Superman isn't necessary. The DC Universe needs somebody filling that noble role. But too often, he's brought down from that place to try to make him more popular and I think that's the wrong move. Superman should be above pettiness and politics. He should be as close to non-violent as possible. Go ahead and make him so strong that the Fangenders lose their mind over how boring he is because nothing can defeat him. Those aren't the stories Superman should be involved in! Sure, he can stop some monster threatening the universe easily but that shouldn't be the main thrust of the story because, yes, that would be a boring story. Make the main thrust of the story how Superman needs to defeat this creature while also making it to Lois's parents' house for dinner on time because he's trying to make a good impression and they already think he's not good enough for Lois. See how that story works? Two people think he's not good enough for their daughter even though he's saving everything. But he can't tell them that so he has to prove himself as Clark in Clark ways without Superman fucking it all up for him.

²Holy shit! Where in my dark mental recesses did that phrase come from? I almost changed it to "out the wazoo" after my brain suggested "up the yin-yang" because I didn't want to expose the racial insensitivity of my subconscious. But how relevant is this blog, really, if I begin censoring my id? Not that I could since it murdered my superego long ago.

³I'm pretty fucking eloquent, bitches.

⁴Meaning he blew himself up.