Vixen Rebirth #1

What animal do you think Vixen channels when she shits?

Vixen is a superhero that I think could easily have made it on the Doom Patrol. I know they sort of already had Beast Boy so maybe that's why she didn't make the cut. Another reason she didn't make the cut was that she has control over which animal she wants to channel at any one time. If she were really Doom Patrol material, she'd probably still have control over what animal she channels but she'd be even more like the animal and it would be harder to get back to a human state. Also, she would flip into animal behavior easier. So if she were being interviewed for a job, Vixen would have to be really careful not to think of an owl because standing on the back of the chair and tilting your head from side to side ominously before diving at the interviewer's pen probably would cause her to lose the job. Unless that's what the job was for. Then boom! Job acquired!

Not that Mari McCabe (Vixen!) would ever need to go out on a job interview. She's an internationally renowned model! People are dying to see her walk with a dress on! They pay big money for that kind of talent. I know that kind of sounded like I was mocking models and I probably was. But not because I don't think what they do isn't useful. I mean, I do think what they do isn't useful. But I would never mock them for that! I totally want a job doing things that aren't useful! I was kind of mocking them because people who think of the job as something serious take it way too seriously. Sure, there are people on the other end who think it's the stupidest thing in the world and nobody should ever do it. I think that is a poor attitude! Just because something somebody does is stupid that's no reason to decry its very existence. If people are willing to pay money for something, other people will do that thing no matter how many people believe there's no reason for that thing to exist. I'm not into fashion so I don't give a fuck about modeling. But I don't care that modeling exists. It doesn't affect me at all! Sometimes it even helps me because a fashion trend might accidentally line up with the moth-eaten potato sack look with jeans style that I totally rock! It would be nice if people thought I was trendy for once.

So, um, anyway, I totally wasn't mocking modeling. But I was jealously kind of mocking it because wouldn't it be nice to be so good looking you only have to learn to walk a certain way with a certain look on your face and maybe turn around and walk back? Of course you have to be good looking in the way that the people doing fashion and have all the money think is good looking at the time. That's kind of a crap shoot, really. Obviously modeling is a job just like any other job and most people hate being at their jobs. Not always because the job sucks. I imagine modeling can be pretty fun if you're the kind of person who doesn't stress out over every little thing. But it's still a job where somebody else is telling you where you have to be for how many hours and you have to be there even if you'd rather be home playing Overwatch. I guess if your job was staying at home to play Overwatch and you liked doing that, it would be okay. Like, if I actually got paid for writing terrible shit about people's efforts in the comic book industry, I'd probably enjoy that. But that's really about it. Maybe I'd also like to get paid to shit all over people's religions.

The issue begins with Mari McCabe on a talk show called "Impossible...But True!" That stupid title is impossible but true.

Host Angela Chen is an asshole.

I can't imagine this is the first time Angela Chen has ambushed a guest on her show. My guess is that this is her show. So why would anybody go on it? This person might be hurt and angry about their life but how does that mean Mari McCabe is in any way responsible? Why do people like television where people just yell and scream at each other? Fine, I like some television like that! But certainly not the kind that pretends they're doing something meaningful or helping in any way other than helping people who love to jerk off to drama on daytime television. I like shows where people fight like Big Brother because nobody is pretending putting a bunch of narcissists into a house with each other is doing something beneficial. They know it's just to see them fuck and fight and flip out! But what kind of journalism does Angela Chen think she's up to? "This week, I'll destroy the reputation of somebody who is known for doing good by having one person who has a beef with her on the show to yell at her and expose her flaws of not completely helping everybody who thinks they deserve her help! BOOM! Ratings! I mean, better world!"

Goddammit! My rant made me miss a better caption for that picture! I just realized what that girl screamed: "What were you doing that was more important than my mom?" Giggle giggle snicker snicker nudge nudge.

Mari decides she's going to help this bitter little asshole of a girl who thinks she deserves her help. Fucking entitled brat. But, I guess that's what makes Mari a hero and me just a bitter, middle-aged man writing about comic books as I sit in my underwear and stroke my cat.

Mari takes this young girl's words to heart because she lost her mother at an early age as well. She saw her butchered in front of her eyes by some warlord named Kwesi in her home in Zambesi. I chose the word "butchered" because that's how people die in Africa, at least according to every issue of The New 52 Batwing. I suppose sometimes they're also massacred. Batwing's brother even took the name Massacre! Her mother passed down the Tantu Totem but the flashback doesn't get to the part where Mari accepts it yet. She's being a stubborn teenager who doesn't believe in magic. Mari doesn't even don the totem until she decides to help the girl who yelled at her on television.

Mari tracks the girl's mother to a cave where a man named Spiderbite has imprisoned every member of the jury who convicted him of murder. Mari defeats him easily because this is just a single issue story. Heroes only have trouble when the story has to go at least two parts. Then they have to fail before they can succeed or else the entire second half of the story will be denouement. And you can only have so much denouement before readers get antsy.

After a few public heroic acts, Mari returns to jerko Angela's show to introduce the world to Vixen. The subsequent yawn threatens to destroy the world.

What Did We Learn?
We learned Vixen is back and she's going to be in the Justice League of America! Oh, did you learn something else about responsibility and legacies? Well, I can't help what you decided to learn after reading a funny book and taking it too seriously. That's your problem.

The Ranking!
I don't rank one-shots! Unless I do! Then I should have said, "I'm not ranking these JLA one-shots!"

Justice League International #1

Just like Justice League, Justice League International begins by laying the groundwork for the team to come. It doesn't last long and it's important to show that the International version of the Justice League will be at the mercy of the United Nations. But we can see shades of Maxwell Lord already in this Andre Briggs person.

Whatever he's playing at, we can bet that he'll pretty much be lying to the UN and to the JLI while manipulating everyone and everything toward his own ends. Or maybe I'm just expecting another Maxwell Lord!

No, no. He's pretty much Maxwell Lord. Especially since I'm pretty sure the readership is supposed to hate him when he openly calls them all closed-minded, basement dwelling, internet trolls. Or is that just Jurgen pissing on his fanbase?

The JLI headquarters is going to be the Superfriend's Hall of Justice! Hooray! But this revelation comes with possibly the lamest bit of comic scripting I've ever been asked to swallow! A bunch of everymen (and women!) are protesting the UN's takeover of the Hall of Justice because it is a Public Building. What the public was doing with the building and why a bunch of average joes would care that the UN was taking it over, we aren't told. Perhaps they can't bear for the UN to use it because, as one protestor says, it's a symbol! But you know they're average guys because they drop a lot of consanants and say things like "doin'" and "cuz" and "followin'". And when they realize the UN is going to be installing a bunch of heroes in their unused symbolic public building, they get all threatening and terroristy! I'm hoping this glowing red guy in the crowd is the cause of all of this nonsense!



Nine pages in, we get our first glimpse at the collected group. And it warms my heart to see Guy Gardner flip out and throw his first tantrum just eight pages in! I'd scan the picture of him yelling "Are you out of your freaking minds?!" except I'm reading JLI #1 out of the 1000 page book of collected #1s and it'll probably break my scanner and/or the binding on the book trying to get this pic from an inside border.

Guy Gardner ends up bailing on the team but I see him on the cover of Issue #2 and Issue #3, so he'll be back! Batman sneaks onto the jet as the team heads for Peru on their first mission to save some UN people doing UN work of some sort or another. The members of the team:

Red Rocket. He seems very similar to the original Red Rocket which is to say he's a cliche of an ESL Russian immigrant. He's earnest and speaks funny. In this issue he does some scanning with his suit and blasts some little rock guys with some kind of wrist cannon. He can also fly.

Fire. An easy enough name to guess what she does. She shoots flames! She's also probably hot-headed because she's made of fire and because she's Brazilian. She snaps at Godiva during the mission which proves what I just said!

Ice. She freezes things and rides on ice blocks that can float in the sky. So either she makes lighter than air ice blocks or she also has some telekinetic ablility as well. She probably can't get emotionally close to others!

Vixen. She doesn't actually do much in this episode except state that it doesn't matter who is on the team as long as they have a Green Lantern (which they don't!). If I remember correctly, she uses the inherent abilities of animals. I don't know if animals need to be nearby or if she can just do whatever any animal can do. Unless that's Animal Man. Maybe it's just both. Vixen may only be able to use one power at a time. So if she's flying she can't have the strength of a gorilla. Maybe. Like I said, she didn't do much this issue.

August General in Iron. I vaguely remember this guy from somewhere. He was a hero of China who came into conflict with another group. It may have been The Authority or Stormwatch or Planetary or maybe the original JLI. I don't know what this guy can do besides argue with Rocket Red and love his country. He carries some stick like thing that looks like it has a current coming out of it.

Godiva. She can control her hair the same way one might control their legs or arms or hands or fingers. Batman accuses her of not pulling her weight at some point and she kind of responds with a less accurate, differently worded, "Duh! What use is my hair against Rock Creatures?!" She also wants to fuck Booster Gold.

Booster Gold. Booster Gold is the group leader because Andre Briggs probably figures he control and manipulate Booster fairly easily. He can fly and make jokes. He wears a skin tight suit that clings to everything except his penis and balls.

The comic ends with their mission apparently being harder than they thought it was going to be!

I really liked the rhythm and flow of the characters in Justice League International. I also like that before destroying the rock creatures they encounter, Fire asks if they're alive. Rocket Red's sensors confirm they are just animated rock. It's at that point the heroes completely open up and beginning destorying the creatures. That other Justice League is looking really bad now after the way they just began pulling heads and limbs off of the Parademons before finding out what they were killing! Especially since what they were killing were innocent creatures which Darkseid had enslaved and mutated to become Parademons. I'm sure that will be explained later as the innocents died in the process and what was left was some sort of mindless automaton that can only scream, "FOR DARKSEID!"