Justice League #8

Fucking scofflaw.

Who at DC Comics was reading Bryan Hitch's Justice League of America and thought, "Fucking hell! This is our guy for the biweekly Justice League Rebirth series! Speaking of Hitch's Justice League, is he ever going to finish the Justice League of America story? Somebody call Bedard and get him to work on fixing that crap." To be fair, I don't think this comic book has been late yet. To be less than fair, I haven't been keeping track and don't actually know if that's the case. I should probably do some research to back up my opinions seeing as how this is still, technically, a Pre-Trump society. I can't wait until January 20th when I never again have to back up my ignorant assumptions and speculative conclusions with actual facts! Apparently all I need to do is photoshop some crazy memes to defend everything I say.

The issue begins with Cyborg upset that they couldn't save everybody from the alien invasion which happened in the first story arc. He shouldn't blame himself though. He should blame shitty writers who need to make every threat an End of the World scenario. In those cases, the Justice League can only react, save as many people as possible, and end eventually end the threat after massive destruction. That massive destruction is important for the writer to show that the threat was serious! But imagine if the writer could show that the threat was serious before it got to Earth and then had the Justice League struggling to stop the threat before it destroyed any city on Earth. That would show how heroic the team really was without having to stick in bullshit moments like this where Cyborg thinks about how the Justice League are actually just huge failures.

Cyborg should also be putting the families of every victim on a Super-Villain Watchlist because you know at least a few of them are going to blame the Justice League for not saving every single life and they'll dedicate themselves to the destruction of the League. Maybe he's not doing that because Batman already whipped up the spreadsheet and purchased the bugs and cameras for the vicims' houses.

This issue is called "Outbreak" so it looks like the beginning of the next story will be Cyborg thinking about how the Justice League couldn't save everybody. Again.

Oh, excuse me. On the second page, the news notes that Diane Palmer was the only fatality of the Kindred's attack. Well, holy fuck. What the fucking bullshit hell are you whinging on about then, Cyborg?! Because by any stretch of the imagination, if only one person died during the destruction shown in the Kindred story, you should be fucking high-fiving Batman! I mean, attempting to high-five Batman as he stares you down with his Bat-Death-Stare. Like me, he only high-fives children under six years of age. Everybody else, we just leave hanging, bitches.

So only one person died. Remember the surname "Palmer" for future reference. Because somebody named Palmer is going to blame the Justice League for his or her wife's/mother's/daughter's/sister's death and they're going to be coming for the Justice League!

You know what? I'm not even going to attribute Diane Palmer's death to the Kindred's attack! If the Justice League were able to save everybody else around the world from the strongest earthquakes ever felt all happening at the same time when even earthquakes that would barely stop a Californian from complaining about their name being misspelled on a Starbuck's coffee cup kill thousands of people in other places around the world, how is it that Diane Palmer managed to die? It's such an anomaly that I can't believe the Justice League wouldn't have been able to save her too. I think she probably broke her neck falling down after jumping for joy due to surviving the attack. The Justice League can't be expected to save every klutz in the world from accidentally killing themselves!

This is terrible math. Superman giving up his life to save one person? That's an incalculable net loss to the good in the world. Regular people should heroically refuse to let a superhero die for them and take the bullet instead! What was Diane Palmer ever going to do for the world? Pay for the McDonald's meal of the person in the car behind her in the drive-thru and brag about it on Facebook? Shit, now I'm glad she's dead!

Cyborg is busy spying on the entire world in the Watchtower when he has a really profound thought. He's all, "I can hear something, like a background noise in the live feed." Then, dramatically, he stops. He cocks his head a bit to the side while looking a bit confused. Then his eyes grow wide and he says, "No! Not a background noise...it's more like a foreground image!" Whoa! Mind fucking blown, man! It's not a noise at all! And it's not even in the background! IT WAS AN IMAGE IN THE FOREGROUND ALL ALONG! Fucking Hitchcock is probably masturbating in Hell over this right now and muttering, "That could have been the premise to the sequel to The Birds! I'm such a fucking idiot! Du dun duh duh duh duh duh dun dun dun."

Cyborg has noticed a code hidden in the photons. Do you want me to repeat that? It won't stop you from wanting to punch yourself in the brain but you might not believe what I just wrote: Cyborg has found a code hidden in photons. I can't even parse what that means! Cyborg can see photons? Does it mean Cyborg doesn't see images at all because his visual data is simply billions of photons slamming into his eyeball? It's like looking up at a hail storm except brighter and more dumb.

I bet I know what the code says! It probably says, "Happy, Happy Halloween! Halloween! Halloween! Happy, Happy Halloween! Silver Shamrock!"

In the Batcave, Alfred offers to make Bruce a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Please. Alfred has never made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in his life. He's a fucking butler for the rich and wealthy! But before he can sully his hands with that working class monstrosity of a sandwich, he notices the Batcomputer has been hacked! Batman is all, "But nothing should be able to get through these firewalls! Alfred? Alfred! Did you see where I was pointing when I said that? At my balls!"

Cyborg winds up hacked just by looking at the code. So it's kind of like propaganda!

Batman just finished installing software that made his vehicles autonomous, so that's convenient. Now that they've been hacked, they begin trying to kill Bruce and Alfred. Maybe this will get Bruce to reconsider how he refuses to use a gun but still arms his vehicles with the most deadly weapons he can browbeat Lucius Fox into designing. How about equipping the batmobiles with batarangs, asshole? I guess if the rockets and bullets are shot from a vehicle, Bruce can pretend that they're just used for shooting other vehicles. It still seems like a stupidly dangerous idea for a guy who refuses to kill anybody.

Bruce's vehicles begin destroying themselves. That's what happens when you program them to destroy Superman the next time he comes around unannounced!

Cyborg is funny walking around the Watchtower trying to figure out how to stop it from reentering the Earth's atmosphere since after he was hacked, he looked at the Watchtower and it was hacked by the photons too. So now it's going to crash to the Earth and kill more people than Diane Palmer. Good job, Justice League!

The Justice League really needs to find a way to stop having their powers and technology used against them and the world. They might be the biggest threat of all. It just takes one hacker or mind controller or jerko Greek God to transform the Justice League from saviors to killers.

The malicious code forces Cyborg to throw himself out of the airlock. But once he's in space, the code is gone! He's back online! Now all he has to do is grab the Watchtower and pull it back into orbit using his, um, uh...white noise blaster? Maybe?

Oh, it's only going to hit San Francisco? They'll probably appreciate the influx of technology! Some angel will probably pass by and throw a wad of cash at the burning wreckage and say, "I'm in!"

Back in the Batcave, even the dinosaur trophy comes to life and attacks. That's some crazy powerful code! I guess everybody is going to have to stop looking at everything. Where's Daredevil when you need him?!

Meanwhile in Denver, Diane Palmer's kids are wondering what their dad is up to in the garage. Probably jerking off to violent porn. I can't imagine what else he might be doing, right?!

Cyborg saves San Francisco by opening up a BOOM Tube and sending the Watchtower back into orbit, along with a shit-ton of momentum! It's probably just going to speed right out into space now! Except, you know, Bryan Hitch doesn't know anything about science and stuff. He thinks you can put code on photons and somebody could see that code!

Cyborg manages to survive falling out of orbit by using the Transamerica pyramid to break his fall before smashing into a car on the street. As he lands, the hacker opens up a few more BOOM Tubes and Wonder Woman, The Flash, Aquaman, and Green Lantern Simon Baz fall out. Luckily none of them were shitting when they were taken.

Don't worry, Alfred. It's only because you're being written by Bryan Hitch. You're saying plenty of witty and passive aggressive things about Bruce over in Tom King's Batman.

Alfred and Batman manage to stop the final vehicle and isolate the malicious code. Good thing Batman wasn't BOOM Tubed to San Francisco so he can do the intelligent work of tracing the hack back to Diane Palmer's garage. I mean, back to whoever is responsible for it. It can't be just some guy whose wife died, right? Unless he's in the garage sucking the cock of some technology demon, there's no way he wrote code onto photons which could hack Cyborg's operating system and also Green Lantern's ring. Oh yeah, the story ends with the code jumping to Simon Baz's ring and it flips the fuck out on everybody.

The Ranking!
+0! This series isn't exactly terribly written. It's just sort of stupid in the way it goes about presenting the conflicts. I always hate saying that my comic books need to be somewhat believable because comic books are made up of 95% post-unbelievable waste product. That statement makes as much sense as everything in a Bryan Hitch comic book. Unless it makes more sense even though it doesn't make much sense!

Suicide Squad #8

This week's comics from DC are extra thick. I hope that means there is an envelope full of money in them.

Dammit. An envelope full of money did not fall out when I opened the comic book. It's just an overblown, pull-out advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad, just in case anybody interested in that had yet to be bombarded with the other adverts for it. It does show that Lobo (non-twat version) and Eclipso will be in the series, though, so I guess I'm a little more interested than I was. Although it also has Emerald Empress as part of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad which seems weird since she's from the 30th Century. No wait. I'm still acting as if Rebirth makes any sense.

This month's cover made me realize a simple way to figure out if somebody is crazy! Just have them put on lipstick! If they can't help smearing it all over the place so that they look like my mother getting ready for a student-teacher conference, they're crazy! I don't know if it works for people who have never before put on lipstick, likes guys who lie to other guys about how they've never put on lipstick.

Once again, Harley Quinn uses up one of the twelve pages of the story to sum up events from last issue's twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count the page where Harley sums up the previous twelve pages of story (eleven if you don't count...well, you get the pattern)).

So Zod is going to wake up and accept every script given to him by his agent?

I'd like to apologize for assuming that everybody understood the pattern forming in my previous parenthetical reference. If you voted for Trump, you might still be confused about how you can draw conclusions based on evidence to predict what will happen next. So, I'm sorry if that bit was confusing for you.

Rick Flag comes along to save Harley Quinn from being eaten by Killer Croc. Harley's plan to release The Enchantress went weird pear-shaped (which is subtly different than weirdly pear-shaped!) and instead of knocking out June Moone so that The Enchantress took over, she just knocked out June Moone. I guess The Enchantress is on a cigarette break because she never fails to take control at any available opportunity, like when June Moone sleeps or is sedated or is having an intense orgasm (which means Killer Croc didn't do it for her, I guess).

Rick Flag has stabbed himself in the leg with an ice pick so that the pain would keep him from murdering people. Or murdering random people because he seems to be just fine with shooting Killer Croc directly in his open mouth. As Rick tries to protect June by shooting Killer Croc, he yells, "I won't lose any more of my people, monster!" Isn't Waylon Jones one of your people? Who's the real monster here, Prick? June Moone is currently in her underwear and I'm really hoping that when she transforms into The Enchantress, she'll still be in her underwear, except fancier and more black magicky! And less crotchy!

Oh! Also, Rick put a tourniquet on his leg over where he stabbed himself with the ice pick and Harley is yelling, "You'll die from blood loss! You're crazier than all of us." He's not crazy. He's stupid if he chose to stab himself in the artery simply to use the pain to keep from going crazy. It hurts really bad just stabbing yourself in the muscle too, you know! I think. I mean, I've never been stabbed in either, so I can't really compare. But if I was stabbing myself in the hopes that the pain would allow me to stay clearheaded so I could save the world, I'm pretty sure I'd try to not stab myself in a way that would cause me to bleed out before I could save the world! Rick Flag is a dumb jerk.

Does this mean he has bulletproof external nasal cavities? Yuck!

What would an external cavity be? Is that like pondering the sound of one hand clapping?

Back at the lab, Harcourt and Waller haven't stabbed themselves in any arteries and they're not crazy like the rest of the people. Although they are killing scientists left and right and center and pear-shaped. That might still be proof of their sanity because just imagine how much they'll be saving the prison on faculty expenses! Although their insurance premiums are going to go through the roof. Unless Belle Reve's entire insurance costs amount to a few shovels, some people willing to dig graves on the sly, and a form letter expressing how they're going to have to fire the suddenly missing person for not having shown up for work for the last two weeks (sent out a week after the staff member is killed. Which also means they need to pay somebody to hack the time clock records! Oh wait! They can just get Hack to do that. More savings!).

You're really watering down the term "Nazi" here, Amanda! Also, you're probably offending some young Jewish people who think they speak for all Jewish people when they scream at other people for pointing out that somebody might be Nazi-like.

The Enchantress appears and she's fully clothed so I may or may not have completely lost interest in the rest of this story.

It's a bluff! That's just the device that orders more enchiladas from the local Mexican restaurant!

Meanwhile, Captain Boomerang is still trying to download his data into a real body. But Hack doesn't have time to download him into a chicken or a hot naked female body because Katana and the other insane inmates are running towards her. They're not killing each other anymore. I guess they've talked it out and decided they should only kill people who haven't gone insane.

The inmates have joined together to destroy Rick and Harley as well. I suppose when you only have twelve pages each month, you can't expect your narrative to remain cohesive. So the crazy people have to go from simply being crazy and chaotic to being a rebellious mass of zombified murderers intent on only killing the people trying to save the day. Maybe the Black Vault is more aware than I realized! It was just confused when it was waking up with Zod but now it's formulated a plan to...well, I don't know. Destroy the world, I guess. That's the usual plan! It'll probably be the plan of the Super Duper Scary Max Lord Suicide Squad too!

Oh no! I sort of can't wait for this in that way you can't wait for a train to pass by after you've destroyed the rails! I should probably do a special commentary on DC Challenge before this begins! I'd better dig those out of storage!

Here's my prediction for the Kamandi challenge! Each writer will work ahead of time outlining a bit of story they want to write for their part. That outline will be the meat of their issue and they'll wedge it into the framing of the rest of the story while mostly ignoring all of the plot threads and cliffhangers left by the other writers. It will be a spectacular, incoherent mess. But I can't wait to read Bill Willingham's bit! I wish he were drawing it as well!

The Enchantress decides to stop talking like a medieval plague doctor exposed to too much ergot and instead decides to become a Manic Pixie Black Magic Witch Sexpot. Maybe I'm imagining the sexpot part because I'm still picturing her wearing nothing but gossamer under garments. Whatever her personality, she manages to get Harley and Croc to the lab to save the day by accusing Waller of having psychological problems and by pushing Zod back into the Black Vault!

Zod awakens before he can be contained so everybody is fucked. Killer Croc tries to be brave by screaming "Entrails ramen!" at him while attacking him. Croc screamed that earlier too. I guess the phrase just cracked Rob Williams up too much to leave it as a one-off. I can hear him whispering in my ear right now as I read it, "Come on! That was funny! Admit it! Also, how about this clever bit of writing: Quinnpin! Ha ha!"

The Squad does something that causes Captain Boomerang to come back. I can't articulate what it is that happens. He's reformed from bits of General Zod as Zod is electrocuted and brought back under a red sun, maybe? Or he's just pulled out of the digital world in the same way Hack can digitize people for travel along the Internet and then reform them? Whatever happens, we're now definitely at no deaths in the current Squad after eight issues. Aside from the scientists and lab assistants and security guards and unnamed inmates murdered by Flag, Harcourt, Waller, Deadshot, and Katana.

Captain Boomerang claims he defeated Zod so I guess his "boomeranging" back to life did something to Zod that discounts the electricity and the red sun. That's probably just his cockiness acting up. I have the same problem in Call of Duty and Overwatch where I seemingly believe that I am the sole reason our team ever wins.

Harley Quinn winds up crazy again and Captain Boomerang has come back to life and Rick Flag doesn't die from blood loss and Katana doesn't think about all of the innocent people she killed and Killer Croc looks awkwardly at The Enchantress while trying to hide his scaly boner. But the biggest surprise of all (if any of those other things were surprising, amirite?!) is that Jim Lee did thirteen pages this month! Harley isn't the only insane thing about this issue! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! (I'm putting lipstick on terribly right now!)

Before the backup story, there's an advert for Justice League Loves Saban's Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. People want to read this? Fuck, I'm old.

The backup story is about Killer Frost coming to Belle Reve. It's also the prelude to the biggest blockbuster Rebirth story in the history of Rebirth Blockbusters: Justice League vs. Suicide Squad! It won't hold that title for long though since it's actually the first Rebirth Blockbuster and it's written by Joshua Williamson. That means practically anybody can write the second Rebirth Blockbuster and it will be bigger than this first one.

That's disrespectful, Rick. She obviously wants to be called Sever Head.

The moral of the story is that Amanda Waller is heartless. The end!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I guess. I enjoyed making fun of this issue and ensuring that I have a good time is the entire point of reading comic books. So whether this issue was actually bad or good doesn't matter to me. I quite enjoyed my time with it! That's probably not helpful but then, I never said I was helpful. Or compassionate! That didn't need to be said but I thought I should be honest at least once per day!

Suicide Squad #7

A sniper nearby is staring at Katana's tits.

If you never received a degree, don't answer "Yes" when somebody asks if you've ever gone to college. Stop unpacking your excuses as to why you never stuck around long enough for a degree just so you can pat yourself on the back for having taking a few philosophy classes that never went anywhere. Okay, sure Overreacting Butthurt College Dropout, technically you're answering the question truthfully. I mean, I suppose if you walked through a college campus one day, you can answer yes to that question. I suppose I shouldn't be too upset that you can't figure out what that person is actually asking since you were too lazy and stupid to finish school. It might sound like I'm judging you but I'm not. I mean, not that much. I don't give a shit if a person went to college or not. That isn't an indicator of intelligence or even some kind of fortitude or ambition. I fucking went to college to avoid the real world for as long as possible (which was about five and a half years of actual college and not the two or so years spent out of school for missing registration due to not wanting to meet with a counselor or fucking around at a community college to re-establish residence when I switched colleges (you know, because it's way cheaper!)). I also went to college because it was a nice chunk of time where I was able to read as many books as possible while not having any other real demands on my life. College also introduced me to a lot of literature I would never have bothered reading. But when somebody asks if you went to college and you have to explain and annotate your answer of "yes" with caveats like "I went for a few months before my grandmother died and I had to fly home and I just never went back" or "I got a crippling sexually transmitted disease from fucking that dead raccoon during a wild hazing incident at Gamma Delta Farts," maybe choose to say "no" before adding the annotations? Because, really, you fucking know what they meant by the questions, right?

Seriously though, don't fucking go to college. If you can get a scholarship or grant money that you don't have to pay back, then definitely do go to college. Or if you're serious about one of those jobs that's actually some kind of service to mankind (even if you're only doing it for the big cash payout salary! Who am I to judge? I mean, judge even more than I'm already doing?) and you need educated training! There are definitely good reasons to get educated via society's usual and expected means. But if you know what you want to do and you can do it yourself and you know you don't need a degree to do it? Fucking dump the system. It needs you far more than you need it! I went to a state school in Oregon my first year and then finished at a state school in California for the other half decade, so it didn't cost a lot to delay my adulthood. Plus, my father who had been mostly absent from my life from about thirteen to seventeen (due to raging alcoholism and selfishness) showed up to pay tuition. I covered all the other expenses (like books and drugs) through summer jobs. But I could have just as easily spent five years at the library and done much of the same thing. I loved my teachers and most of my classes, so I'm glad I didn't do that. But I could have, if I didn't have the resources and opportunities which presented themselves to me and my life. And I suppose it's easier to do almost nothing at all, day in and day out, without your family griping if you can say, "I'm in school!"

There are way more than two types of people but it's easier to say, "There are two types of people," before starting some kind of written thesis. And the two types of people I'm thinking of amid all of the other types of people are the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have a plan for their future and know what they want from life, and the ones who go to college right out of high school because they have no fucking idea what to do or how to navigate their oncoming adulthood. I figure a lot of people who answer "yes" to the question about going to college who shouldn't be answering yes are the second type. They eventually find what they need while at college and just move on. College serves its purpose as a kind of purgatory during the transition from childhood to adulthood. Often, a person doesn't need to see it through to its expected conclusion. I would have liked it to have gone on longer in some ways but, really, I'd fucking had enough of essay assignments. So I totally get not finishing. My main point is that when somebody asks, "Did you go to college?", you should probably answer "No" before saying, "I did go for awhile but dropped out for these reasons." Saying "yes" is just lying to yourself and everybody else and probably God too.

So anyway, I'll let Harley Quinn catch everybody up on what was happening in this comic book:

Okay. Got it! Magic Comic Book Nonsense makes sane people insane, and insane people sane. That's not the hardest thing a comic book has ever asked me to believe. Remember when Nightwing drove a motorcycle up a building? And that time Catwoman didn't tell Bruce Wayne he was being a selfish, condescending asshole? I mean, she may have told him that before. But there were all the other times she didn't when she should have.

Harley has reverted to Doctor Harleen Quinzel (unless it's spelled differently. I can't be bothered to remember or look it up) who is a psychiatrist (unless she's a psychologist. See my last parenthetical reference for more why I don't know). So when she says, "It turns out sane people are scared all the time," I have to believe she knows what she's talking about. And since I'm never scared, I suppose that makes me insane. Some would say it makes me stupid or shows I'm not paying attention. And by "some," I mean bumper stickers.

Katana is busy trying to kill Harley but she keeps getting sidetracked by all the guards who need their arms chopped off. I don't think Katana will be successful because DC would never kill Harley Quinn. They can't even kill Harley Quinn in some Death of Superman type stunt because all of the touchy feely Internet Harley Quinn fans would call them misogynist and dumb. No wait! They wouldn't call them dumb because that's ableist. I think. You know what's dumb? Trying to shape a world where you can't point out how stupid somebody is because they can't help it and thus it's a disability of some sort and how dare you pick on the poor moron. How long until the racists begin claiming they can't help being racist and thus it's ableist to call them out on it?

Sorry! Sorry! I went all Slippery Slope on you there. That's so fucking ridiculous to think that a racist would claim they shouldn't be called a racist because it's ableist. They just think they shouldn't be called a racist because they hate being called out on a truth they can't admit to because it would prove they were racist. Or something.

Katana can block a bullet with her sword but she can't deflect a Taser. Those are some sorry ass ninja skills.

I wonder whose most angry at me right now? Dropouts, racists, dum-dums who use the word ableist, or nerds screaming at me that Katana is a samurai and not a ninja? Also, those nerds are probably falling all over themselves to explain how Katana could block the bullet because her mind was clear but now, clouded by the Black Vault, she's not quite as effective at blocking things with her cutlass.

Harley contacts Amanda who is just willful enough to keep some clarity and explain the situation to Harley Quinn. That's a good thing or else Harley wouldn't know what she was supposed to do to get this story to end without everybody dying.

Harley realizes she has a decision to make! Does she stay and save the world from Zod by keeping him from waking up (since, you know, if he woke up, nobody in the world would be able to stop him because the Justice League is probably in the future dealing with Cosmic Boy's mutated space gonorrhea unraveling the time stream), or does she run for her life?!

I'm glad the exits in this super prison are so well marked and accessible.

Harley Quinn manages to defeat everybody in the prison by activating the sprinklers using El Diablo and then firing a Taser into the wet floor and electrocuting everybody. I mean, they're all wearing boots so even if I'm going to believe her Belle Reve Taser is the most powerful Taser ever devised (Harley did crank the setting up to 999 which must be crazy powerful! A Belle Reve Taser would need a huge setting like that to take down someone like King Shark, right?), how am I supposed to get past the boot thing? Maybe nobody has rubber soles. I guess they're all made of copper.

Meanwhile, Hack realizes that she accidentally digitized Captain Boomerang and uploaded him into Belle Reve's mainframe. I hope he boomerangs something as a computer virus!

Also meanwhile, June and Killer Croc do some after oral sex cuddling. Remember how they had oral sex last issue? I still can't wait to try that move! Harley decides to zap June Moone because a Belle Reve Taser has at least four shots. I'd think it would be much bigger than it appears. But then, I also think Jim Lee doesn't really think much about what he's drawing. He's got twelve pages to do and he doesn't have time to research anything in Rob William's script!

Harley zaps June to wake up the Enchantress because she needs to teleport to the lab to stop Zod. She doesn't get there this issue because Jim's twelve pages are up. Next issue should be the finale of this story since it's also the prologue to Justice League vs. the Suicide Squad (which will almost certainly be terrible).

The backup story is about June Moone and the Enchantress. Is the fact that I have nothing more to say about it a good enough review?

The Review!
+0! Seven issues in and nobody in the Suicide Squad has died! Oh, sure, readers are probably expected to remember the death of Captain Boomerang as a death which took place and therefore a justification for Task Force X's nickname. But he's not dead and he'll be back next issue! The only people who have died during this incarnation of the Suicide Squad are the guards killed by Katana. Way to go, Katana! Just add them to the ever growing list of innocent people you've killed since The New 52 began! Most of that list is, of course, all of the people in the high-rise hotel you blew up in Birds of Prey! Jerko!

Suicide Squad #6

See? I told you he was hiding in the bathroom!

There's nobody more helpful in life than that person who, when faced with a generalization from a friend, makes sure to point out that the generalization doesn't apply to everybody targeted by the generalization. I don't need to be reread the dictionary definition of "individual" every time I make a scathing criticism of all corporations, lawyers, cops, or mothers! I understand that, in theory, somebody's mother must be an angel! I don't need my rant cut off at the knees by a meaningless statement that adds nothing to the horribleness of mothers! I get it! Yours was a saint! But, overall, and so close to 100% that if this were a calculus problem, we'd be streaking to infinity on it, mothers are awful, terrible people. Also, I'm not sure my calculus bit would actually hold up in court. Probably because lawyers are jerks who would totally ask me leading questions that don't provide context for my calculus problem and then when I try to provide that context, I'm shut down and told to only answer the questions asked. As if that's fair! I could make any mother look like a huge jerk if they were only able to answer the questions I asked! Not that it would be hard because, after all, mothers! Amirite?!

I just ate lunch after writing that paragraph. While doing so, I chose to read some Facebook comments on a Ricky Gervais post about a preacher telling kids in line for Santa that Santa Claus doesn't exist. Here's a response from somebody who should get their Internet Comment Card taken away:

fucking hypocrites. So it's alright to lie and tell kids Santa exists but telling them God or Jesus is real is in some way wrong or idiotic. HAHAHA! mugs.

This is why I can't debate stupid people. Because they think they're so smart! But they're not smart! I'm smart! Unless I'm one of the stupid people who think they're smart? No, no! It can't be that! Because I don't say things like this guy who think it's the same thing to tell a kid Santa doesn't exist, knowing that they'll enjoy the fantasy as a child and eventually grow out of it and look fondly on the lie, as to tell a kid Jesus and God are real and expect them to live their entire lives accordingly and to squash all doubts to the contrary because that's probably one of the sins that will send you to Hell and maybe you should just hate gays too, just in case. Now whose the mug! Wait, what does that mean? Stupid British slang!

This is how this issue begins:

Why doesn't the Comic Book Code Authority still exist to stop images like this?! I never wanted to see an Amanda Waller upskirt photo!

Since nobody dies in the Suicide Squad, this is, of course, a fantasy. We all know Katana is going to hack the bullet out of the air. We knew that last issue when the gun was fired. But for one brief illogical second, I thought that maybe, just maybe, DC had killed Amanda Waller. I didn't think it was because the editors wanted to change up the way the Suicide Squad is run. I just thought maybe Jim Lee complained to the right people about having to draw a fat woman several times a month.

I almost went with "overweight woman" instead of fat but who am I to judge Amanda Waller's preferred weight? She might be underweight and pissed off because all of her older underwear keeps almost sliding off when she wears skirts.

So on the next page, Katana does indeed chop the bullet out of the air with her sword. So now we know she's got secret speedster powers! Unless it's just a given that ninja-types can move at super speed but only when it comes to dodging bullets and catching arrows.

Amanda is now going to have to reassess allowing people to carry guns in the lab. Forget about almost killing her! What if Rick had missed and shot an important piece of machinery keeping Zod in check?! The world could have been destroyed! You're probably thinking that Superman could stop Zod but you know how many times Superman is needed but "the Justice League is on a mission in space!"? A lot!

Nobody thinks to take Rick's gun away or cut off his arm at all (which, if you ask me, totally seems like a missed opportunity). Probably because they're distracted by wanting to kill everybody else. It seems some kind of rage virus has taken over the lab and the scientists are throwing the most awkward, terribly aimed, low powered punches at each other that I've ever witnessed.

Amanda headbutts Rick Flag and then the power goes out. I bet that's an excuse for Jim Lee to draw two or three pages in complete darkness. Which means he doesn't have to draw them at all, if you weren't following what I was saying as closely as you should have. It's hard to tell how many people like the guy I quoted above read these commentaries. I'm sorry you don't understand most of what I write, dum-dum.

Thanks for the information, Deadshot. Nobody else has eyeballs!

Thanks to the Phantom Zone Sphere (which everybody keeps calling the Black Vault, so maybe I should too!), Katana goes aggro as well and cuts the heads off of two scientists. I'm sure that won't effect her at all. Nobody wants to read this comic book for the kind of character development where a person questions their relationship with violence, and falls into a state of depression for having sent two innocent men's souls into the Soultaker Blade for eternity.

Another important tidbit of information Waller lets slip (to the readers! Not to the inmates!) is that if the Belle Reve power grid fails, they can't blow the prisoner's brain bombs. Well, I hope she has a backup generator! Maybe she should think about getting a cloud based brain bomb app so she isn't reliant on any power except the charge on her phone? I'd definitely look into it.

Here's another thing that happens in this comic book that I'm absolutely sick of: the cells unlock because of the power outage. Enough with cells that need a constant electric current to remain locked! If they do rely on electricity for locking and unlocking, they should default into locked when the power goes out. Stupid electrical engineers of the DC Universe!

Elsewhere in Belle Reve, June Moone and Killer Croc are released from their cells.

Yes! Now I know the proper way to do oral sex on a woman! Look at her orgasm!

It seems Captain Boomerang is currently in digital form inside of Hack's head. He's trying to help protect her head since he's living there now. He helps to keep the brain bomb out of her head by destroying the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine with his digitalness. Or something.

On a side note, even when the power is flickering, the people running Task Force X think it's a good time to try to implant a brain bomb. On a sidelier note, the Brain Bomb Implanting Machine is just a huge buzz saw on a crane. That seems...unnecessary.

On the sideliest note, you know how the scientists were using a Red Sun Generator to make sure General Zod would stay asleep and not be powered up? Apparently it has a Yellow Sun setting which one of the violent scientists uses. Who demanded that be an option?! I get that once you have a Kryptonian under your power, you'd want to be able to power him up. But for safety's sake, get two different fucking machines, you cheapskates!

Everybody in Belle Reve has gone insane except Harley Quinn who has gone sane. That seems like a thing that should happen. I know I'm judging crazy comic book logic but hear me out! If something drives somebody insane, doesn't it make sense that it would drive an insane person more insane? I'm just looking at a pretend chart here and it doesn't show that insane people suddenly become the most sane people if they get too insane. Although I will say insane people sometimes have fairly accurate insights into the world. Sure, you have to ferret out the insight lost among a plethora of lizard people and satellite death rays and vendettas against meter maids with their time machine ticket pad Frankenstein body scanners. But you'd be surprised how often I find myself nodding along in agreement while reading a schizophrenic rant. Okay, maybe you wouldn't be surprised by that, jerko.

Anyway, once Harley is sane, she obviously needs to cut off the colored ends of her hair, wipe off the mascara, take someone's Kleenex, and wipe the lipstick away. She knows things were bad but now they're okay. Also she puts on Hack's glasses so that she'll look respectable in her lab coat and short shorts that show off her professional camel toe.

That's the end of Jim Lee's twelve pages! Now for the backup story! It's about Killer Croc and how he keeps eating the guards in charge of his security. Waller seems to think this is an acceptable turnover rate for the position because she's certainly not in a hurry to figure out how to isolate Croc so that he never interacts with another guard for the rest of his prison time.

The story is interrupted by an advert for Justice League vs. Suicide Squad: Dusk of Mostly Water. In the ad, The Flash is battling Captain Boomerang. Come on, DC! Spoiler alert much?! Also, it's written by Joshua Williamson so I'm already yawning.

Anyway, the Killer Croc story is about how Killer Croc was made a monster by society. The end. Mind blown. What's that? Why yes, I do always make a jerk-off motion and roll my eyes when my mind is blown.

The Review!
No change. Same old same old same old as the same old that was the same old as the same old.

Suicide Squad #5

Harley Quinn isn't on the cover? I bet sales dropped off and she's back on the next cover!

Not being able to handle the suspense, I checked the next issue's cover and Harley Quinn wasn't on it. What was on it was a huge spoiler: Captain Boomerang! I knew he jumped out of his smoking shoes and hid in the Russian bathroom during the battle with Zod! While I'm ecstatic that Captain Boomerang is still alive, I'm annoyed that nobody ever dies in the Suicide Squad! Task Force X needs a new nickname. How about Pretty Fucking Good At Completing Their Missions Without Any Losses Squad?

This issue begins with somebody thinking about Oppenheimer's words after witnessing the atomic bomb test at Trinity. They're all blah blah blah this and that, so heavy dude. Oh, and I just read the Bhagavad Gita, so here's a haunting line from that!" I can never remember them because I always think that Bainbridge's quote was the better quote, which I usually pretend was said by Oppenheimer (and by pretend, I mean totally think is true): "Now we are all sons of bitches." I'm pretty sure that was in the Bhagavad Gita as well. It's been years since I've read it but it sounds about right.

You know who I'm really beginning to like? Neegan from The Walking Dead. That's one charming motherfucker! I think I mean that literally? Anyway, I hated him in the comic book because he was an ugly person drawn even ulgilier by Charlie Adlard. But in the television show, he's all silky voice and sly grins! If I were a Mister Potato Head doll, I would slap on my vagina while watching The Walking Dead and diddle myself into ecstasy. And he's such a romantic! My idea of romance is bringing home a two pack of Reeses' Christmas Trees, tearing it open, shoving one in my mouth, and winging the rest of the package into the empty cushion on the couch next to the Non-Certified Spouse, so I might have a great grasp on what is romantic.

Harley Quinn wasn't on the cover but she is on page three. DC Comics really should have a note on the cover stating that she's in this book. Do they expect Harley Quinn fans to just assume Harley is going to be in each issue now? That's taking a pretty big risk with your wallet, DC! She's introduced as the "Quinnpin of Crime." Does anybody reading this know Rob Williams, the writer? If you do, can you grab a rolled up copy of this comic book, take him aside, and smack him on the head with the comic while saying, "No! NO! Bad writer! BAD!"

Oh! I have a quiz. How can you tell you like a shitty artist when you actually think the artist is the bee's pajamas?

They draw terrible faces on characters that don't make their dick's hard. I'm going to stick with that specific body part because I'm really just talking about Jim Lee, David Finch, and Tony S. Daniel. I'm fairly certain they all have dicks. I'm absolutely certain they spend 90% of their time drawing hot women. Also, I'm only assuming they're drawing women since most of their women look like tweens.

Rick Flag explains to Amanda Waller that the Russians have a Suicide Squad of their own named the Annihilation Brigade and that somebody called "Karla" has a Russian Belle Reve of their own full of potential corpses for the greater good. For some reason, Amanda Waller doesn't say, "I know, idiot! You don't think I know that?! Get the fuck out of here!" Instead, she patiently listens to Rick define the term "cold war" while making a mental note to put him on an even worse team for the next mission.

While the Suicide Squad debriefs, some scientists in the room behind them run tests on the Phantom Zone Sphere brought back from Russia. Harley Quinn walks up to touch it and the scientists watch while saying, "That's not a good idea" and "You probably shouldn't touch that" and "This should be interesting!" But Deadshot stops her and, for his quick thinking, Amanda nearly blows his head off. Amanda Waller really needs to calm down. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar although why would you want any flies and who, other than hipsters in Portland, drinks vinegar? They were probably the kid who always drank a cup of PAAS every Easter, right?

Meanwhile, Waylon and June Moon discuss oral sex and how they don't want to engage in it with each other. Unless they do? Maybe I read that passage incorrectly.

At lunch, Hack tries to bond with Harley. Hack is the new girl rescued from the Russian Belle Reve and now living in prison, I guess?

Harley says such crazy shit. Why would you surgically attach a publicity still of John Stamos to a Humpack Whale when you could simply use a nail gun?

Waller's scientists remove Zod from the Phantom Zone Sphere and begin trying to figure out a way to make him compliant so he can be the first truly useful member of the Suicide Squad. But Rick Flag doesn't like the idea, so he pulls out his gun and shoots Amanda Waller in the face. Maybe. I mean, he probably doesn't. But that's what the the story is surely implying before it ends!

The backup story is about Hack so I'm already bored. Although I suppose the readers need some background information on her (besides how hot to trot she is for Harley). If she's going to be this team's first real death, it's good to flesh her out a bit so that the readers will feel something when she dies. So far, I know she's African and a female. If she's about to die, she's probably also a lesbian.

Stephen Byrne is doing the art. Do you think the editor had to tell him, "No, no. Amanda is fat again. No, fatter. Fatter. Quite a bit fatter. No, fatter than that. Fatter. Fatter. Do you need the dictionary definition of fat? No? You got it. Okay! ... No, no! Fatter! Ugh. Forget it."

Hack tells Waller how she became a super villain. It's rather mundane for most super villain origin stories. She grew up poor, her little brother was killed in gang violence, she mysteriously got her power, she got vengeance, she got money, and she got too big for her britches. The Russians caught her and now she's in Belle Reve. She also hacks Amanda's file which Amanda doesn't want anybody to see so it's weird that Amanda keeps a file on herself. Apparently she lost someone and that's why she's such a cold fish monster bitch. That's lame! I was hoping she was that way just because she choose to be that way and not because her daughter Havana was killed in some kind of international incident that never would have happened had the government only been equipped with a secret super villain task force!

The Review!
No change. I see Jim Lee did his full twelve pages for this installment! What a champ! Great show! Triple Plus Good!

Justice League of America #10

Everybody is all, "DIE MOTHER FUCKERS!" And Aquaman is all, "I have a fork!"

So, this comic book is still a thing. It's got to end this month, right? Can there be anybody left at DC who isn't completely sick of Bryan Hitch at this point? I can understand hiring a writer like Warren Ellis even though you know you're going to get some deadline problems from him because his stuff is crazy worth reading. But Bryan Hitch is one of those artists who wanted to write their own stories and then decided to stop drawing as well even though he never quite got the hang of writing stories. It's one of the most common scams in comic books! An artist comes to the people in charge and says, "Hey! I want to write some of the stories I'm drawing!" And the people in charge are all, "Cool! We'll save some money on that deal!" And then after the artist does this for a few months, the people in charge realize that the artist-writer now has too much work and can't manage the deadlines. So the people in charge bring in some artists to do the art while the artist simply does the writing. Now the company is stuck with a sub-par writer who they hired for their art but now they aren't drawing anything! What jerks!

[[MORE]] For those who can't remember what was happening in this comic book because the last issue came out in the late 70s, Earth was being threatened by a mad alien pretending to be the Kryptonian god Rao (or really was but, then, I'd like to believe that the person Superman worships isn't a total dick-muffin (and is also, probably, imaginary)). He'd summoned the ancient planet of Krypton to an orbit near the Earth so that he could invade with thousands of his own Supermen. So the world is fucked unless Batman is wearing a shirt with extra long sleeves to pull something tremendous out of.

According to the credits page, Bryan Hitch's only involvement in this issue is coming up with the plot. So basically, forget not drawing it; this fucker was too busy to even write it. I've got a feeling he didn't even add much to the plot of this issue. He probably summarized the plot of eight of the first nine issues to Tony Bedard (minus the Martian Manhunter issue, of course!) and said, "Then, like, in this issue, I was going to have the Justice League of America win. You got that?" At least I can look forward to decent comic book dialogue by Bedard. Although I really wanted to be petty and churlish, so I'm also disappointed that I won't be reading the bullshit that Hitch came up with.

Hal Jordan groups up with the Justice League to let them know that 250,000 Supermen are about to attack Earth as soon as they breach his shield. Put your dicks away! That wasn't a euphemism.

Batman installed the white lenses on his mask that cover his eyes so nobody would see them roll every time Superman says something cheesy like this.

While Batman rolls his eyes and The Flash makes jerk-off motions faster than anybody can see, Wonder Woman actually decides to say something. She's all, "'I trust we'll win!' says the guy who was dead ten minutes ago." Superman assures everybody that they'll win because if they don't win, they won't win. So, you know, they have to win! I'm not so sure they will win though because this is obviously an alternate universe (even if it was mentioned in other comic books. I'm just going to ignore those bits). Also, they're relying on Silas Stone for some kind of countermeasure to the Kryptonians. That's just asking for trouble! The last time he helped, he turned his son into a robot who doesn't know if his brain is real or Memorex.

Oh man. How many people have no idea what Memorex is?! Hmm, I guess they're still a thing!

With 250,000 Kryptonians descending on Metropolis, how the hell is the Justice League supposed to win? I think that's what Bryan Hitch was thinking and that's why this comic book took so long to come out. He probably finally got a brainstorm for how to solve this dilemma after reading DK III #6. We'll know for sure if Metropolis suddenly has a Kryptonite rain storm!

Oh. I guess this is the big secret weapon. I wonder why Silas didn't send one for Aquaman?

Besides the mechanized armor, Silas also sent a bunch of robotic drones. Does the government know STAR Labs has been working on a private army of killer robots? I guess they don't because these robots were just built in the last 24 hours or so. Unless the robot army was extant and Silas just fashioned anti-Kryptonian weapons for them. I have other questions as well which probably won't be answered so I shouldn't even ask them, like where did STAR Labs get the labor to build these robots? Or the money? Or the technology? Oh, they probably already had the tech since the word is right there in their name.

The Justice League get the upper hand and then they lose the upper hand and then they gain the upper hand and then they begin to lose it for good. But Batman has a plan! Leave Aquaman to fight the Kryptonians while he and Cyborg head to Krypton to talk it over with the Doomsday Stones. Batman's plan is to get the Doomsday Stones to age the sun until it becomes a Red Giant. The Kryptonians lose their powers and young Rao beheads his future self. Everybody lives happily ever after. Except Superman. He's still going to die and be replaced by Preboot Superman.

The Review!
I'm just glad this thing is finally over. As you might be able to tell by my lack of details, I grew bored with the entire thing right about when the Kryptonians invaded. You just can't sustain a reader's enthusiasm for a story when it takes nearly two years to put out ten issues. Especially when the same guy who can't finish this fucking story gets hired to write the new biweekly Justice League comic book! How did DC ever think he was going to finish this story? I guess the fact that Tony Bedard scripted this issue answers my question: they never expected him to finish. They finally just got somebody else to wrap it up so they would have a complete story to stick in a Trade Paperback later. I wonder if they call Tony Bedard "The Finisher" around the DC offices?

Titans #4

If you added a "His" to this title, it could anagram into "shitstain." Apt?

Brett Booth's art is terrible. Why are so many people fooled into thinking he knows how to draw? I suppose if he were drawing people with blood clots in their thighs, causing the painful retention of blood and water in their massively expanding legs, I could see how he was doing a good job. In the early stages of The New 52, his style didn't bother me. I might have even mentioned liking it once or twice because I'm more apt to appreciate cartoony comic book art than art that verges on the realistic. But I think somewhere along the way, he noticed people were raving about Kenneth Rocafort's comic book style. Now Booth's panel layouts are all over the place. It's so punk rock! Here's a simple hint that your comic book art is terrible: if the best compliment people can give it is that it's "dynamic," you're art is shit. Now, I don't know that people describe Booth's art as dynamic but I'd agree with that assessment. It's pretty fucking out of control and all over the fucking page. Plus, he fills a lot of space with clouds and dust which presume movement (dynamism!) but are really just a lazy way to cover up that boring background art.

So anyway, Wally West is back in the Titans and a lot of people are thrilled. I think. I'm annoyed because did the DC Universe really need another speedster? Nobody knows how to write a good Speedster comic book. Here's the first page as evidence:

Take his wand, Wally. Take it. Go super fast and take it. See when he says, "Oh"? Take the wand now! Dammit, stop hesitating. Now he's saying "but"! Take the wand! Take it! Take...you idiot! Okay, you've still got a chance! He's now saying "yes!" So much time in the space of that word for a speedster to take the wand out of Kadabra's hand and shove it up his pee hole. But does Wally take the opportunity? Nope. Maybe he'll finally superspeed into success while Kadabra says, "She's gone, Mr. West! Ppof! Your precious Linda Park has vanished before your very eyes!" No, wait, he didn't do it. See that second "POP!"? Kadabra's gone!

Some of you fuckwits will rationalize why Wally doesn't act in what is practically a decade of time from his perspective because you're puppets of your fandom. You could never utter a bad word against the character who you love so much you've drawn a terrible line drawing of him naked that you keep tucked inside your pillow case so that you can masturbate over him every night and fall asleep in your soggy sheets dreaming of his spectacular big thighed body. You're probably thinking about how traumatized poor Wally is having just seen his lover disappear right in front of him. He was too stunned to act! He was in shock! Or maybe he was too stupid to stop Linda Park from being kidnapped by Kadabra since Wally West had this exact same amount of time to stop Kadabra from taking Linda at the end of the last issue. I suppose he was too busy trying to hide his Linda Park Boner to save her that time, right?

Nothing is instantaneous (especially not villainous speeches directed at the hero) but, somehow, in Speedster comic books, the reader is constantly asked to believe that people can get the drop on a Speedster. Even if we theorize Wally West has two modes, Regular Speed and Speed Force Speed, I still can't believe that somebody can get the drop on him while he's at normal speed. If I can punch the face of a person who startles me from behind then Wally West can drop into Speed Force Speed just as quickly. And once he's gone speedy, nobody can do anything that Wally West doesn't want them to do. He should never say, "But I'm not fast enough." I never want to hear that coming from a Speedster. Unless, of course, the Speedster is fighting one of the infinite evil Speedsters that are all always faster than the good Speedster so that the story has some kind of fake dramatic tension.

Wally goes on to explain how Kadabra's "techno-magic" made Linda Park disappear right in front of him and he wasn't fast enough. I would totally accept that if what happened was she was there and then suddenly she wasn't there. But what happened was Kadabra teleported in, said a whole bunch of shit, and teleported out. And now the same exact crap is going on as Kadabra teleports around while speaking and Wally isn't fast enough to catch him. I guess Kadabra is saying everything in a nearly instantaneous burst of noise which Wally can hear as normal speech due to being in Speed Force Speed.

This should be the mantra of every member of every incarnation of every team of Titans ever.

Abra Kadabra calls Flash by his name, Mr. West, so I guess Flash's secret identity isn't a thing. I know some heroes don't give a shit about secret identities which, you would think, would ruin it for everybody. Because it can't be that difficult, with a little time and research, to begin matching up all of the regular people Wally West hangs out with and then matching them up with the people they hang out with before a pattern begins to develop. Wally to Dick to Bruce. Wally to Roy to Oliver to Dinah to Barbara to Bruce. Wally to Garth to Arthur. Although Arthur doesn't have a secret identity either, right? It's just nobody on the Justice League wants to hang out with Aquaman on off hours, so Arthur Curry can't be linked to any of the other Justice League members' secret identities.

Linda Park is such a fat ass. Look at that! No thigh gap!

I'm not sure, by the size of Brett Booth's character's thighs, he could draw a woman with a thigh gap. I guess that's one positive thing I can say about his art!

Kadabra's plan is to destroy Wally West. He thinks that's a magic trick. He also thinks, if we allow him the benefit of the doubt that it is a magic trick, that anybody will be interested in the trick. I mean anybody besides me! Because, let's face it, The Titans haven't actually existed before this in this reality. So nobody will give a shit about them. And if people assume that these Titans are the same as those Teen Titans that went around causing chaos and mayhem and breaking into prisons and helping escaped convicts remain free, then...okay, maybe people will enjoy that trick if they think that.

Abra Kadabra is just being used by The Watchmen, though, to try to tie up all of the loose ends from the Preboot Universe that have wormed their way into The New 52 universe (which has now been rebranded the Rebirth universe but is still exactly the same as The New 52 universe only with more idiot readers who fell for the rebranding and are super excited about that thing they recently despised). To be fair, the Rebirth universe is actually completely different than The New 52 universe because the writers have a mandate to make the characters say things that aren't true about the Rebirth universe but, if said enough, will become true to the audience.

Like here. Wally declares the Titans are his oldest and best friends. Maybe to Wally but they hardly remember him! Except they totally remember him and their New 52 lives because fuck you. Also, Dick tells Wally he loves him which totally isn't true because Dick barely knows him. And he tells Lilith that she's always been a Titan even though he didn't know she existed before a few issues ago. Except, I guess, he completely remembers Wally and Lilith and all of his Preboot memories. So look for Dick Grayson to be in an insane asylum in a few issues. Probably along with the rest of these characters (and Wonder Woman!) who suddenly have to remember various incarnations of themselves because DC's editors have sucked at their jobs for thirty years now.

Think about how badly DC knew they screwed up with The New 52 by the second year in. They thought divesting all of their characters with their decades of past, crazy history would make for an interesting project. But by two years in, they desperately felt the characters needed more history to them and so they pulled that fucking terrible Futures End crap. They thought injecting five years of fake history into the characters would make the characters interesting and yet they just discarded fifty years of actual stories for their new project. They were desperate to inject something more than the present into these characters. They were devoid of the drama of past history and relationships so DC tries to fill that void with prognostications of their futures. Which is the dumbest thing to do because now instead of creating tension and drama, you've locked your characters into a path that leads them to their stupid Futures End future. DC realized their mistake at some point and decided to pull the whole Conversion thing as a bit of legerdemain as they threw out most of the Futures End stuff and tried to forge a new path into the New 52. That, of course, failed as well and the only thing they had left was the emergency chute: bring back Wally West to show they mean to change things back. But in the meantime, blame most of the mistakes on the audience by making The New 52 the fault of the Watchmen (get it? The watchers! The readers!) but pretend that the Watchmen actually represent the editors who really should take all of the blame but DC only really blames them in a wink, wink, tongue-in-cheek manner. DC fucking hates everybody reading their comic books. The contempt shows in every editorial fuck up they bumble into.

This page could have been replaced by a Polaroid of Dan Abnett jerking himself off and I wouldn't have noticed the difference.

Where the fuck did Tempest come up with that time table? Is that how long the Find the Lady vaudeville act usually lasted? Oh, and remember what I said about Booth's penchant for dust and steam? You can practically hear Brett Booth moaning, "Fuck these skyscrapers. STEAM!" The bottom panel of this same page (not scanned) has no background except gray expanse and steam or dust or farts. Whatever.

Oh! And also, just in case you didn't remember that the Titans are lifelong friends who totally didn't just learn of each other's existence about three days previously, Donna Troy reminds everybody. Hey Donna Troy? Have you told them that you're a golem created to destroy the Amazons who has also become The Three Fates? Can't you use your ability to see everybody's destinies and tell them all where Linda Park is?

I love that Donna Troy, here in Rebirth, already has a terminally fucked up and confusing backstory.

Wally thinks, "At first I think, I don't deserve friends like this. Then I think, I'd do the same for them." We get it, Dan. Jesus fucking Christ. They're best friends! Friendship wins! Friends friends friends friends friends friends friends! This shit is sappier than fucking Lumberjanes.

Kadabra has shown the Titans three locations across the city where Linda Park might be so they split up to check those locations. Haven't these idiots ever heard of Three Card Monty? None of the cards are the card you're looking for! Plus, he's a magician! Figure out where he might be thematically! Don't trust he's appearing at a Gymnasium or a Keymart! I mean, maybe he is performing at a Keymart because he's a shit magician. But even then, it would be from 2-4 on Sunday afternoon.

Kadabra doubles the power of his puppets so that they're twice as powerful as the Titans. If he has that kind of power, why is he taking so long to destroy the Titans? He can make people with super powers! He can...wait a second. What does it mean to double Nightwing's powers? Does that mean he's an even better friend than Dick Grayson?

I'll let the rabble make the ass jokes.

Fuck you.

If Wally West obliterates you in the future, how did you come back from the future to stop Wally from obliterating you? And if that's just one possibility and you came back from a future where he didn't obliterate you, why come back at all? Kadabra mentioned earlier he's the greatest magician on all worlds. Why not pick a world that hasn't realized he's a greedy prat and just live there? Comic book time travel is always the worst. Why not have Kadabra come from the future because it's easier to rob banks in the past? Why not have him come from the future to steal shit that will be valuable in the future so he can take it back and sell it to make his fortune? Why not have him do anything except change the past so the future is different? Who fucking cares?! If you can time travel and you hate your lot in life in the present (of your future!), why not fucking go forward in time to start again?!

So the Titans go about town fighting the puppet Titans. It's super exciting.

Here. Have some disgusting thighs and terrible repartee while I finish reading this shit.

Kadabra explains to Linda Park that if Wally West "accelerates too fast, he loses himself." So I guess that's the excuse for why he can't be super fast enough to stop somebody when they're talking? He has to warm up the engines and go from zero to light speed in a reasonable amount of time? Apparently that amount of time is too reasonable and anybody can beat his ass then. Except later Kadabra just mentions that it happens when he runs too fast. So which is it? Is it too much of a top speed that causes him to become unbound in the universe or is it too much acceleration? Either way, it's an arbitrary limit that just makes The Flash useless whenever a writer needs him to be useless. Because now he has to be fast enough to stop the criminal but not too fast or he'll disappear from the universe. Which means...well, it means nothing. It just means the writer has some kind of excuse to keep Wally West from being invincible.

The Titans all fail against the Titan puppets which must be truly humiliating. Wally has to save them all but Kadabra has another trick up his dick: he sends them all to different cities so that The Flash has to run all over saving them! I mean, he sent one group to Coast City and the others to Metropolis and Gotham which are basically right next door to each other anyway. But the issue is that The Flash will have to run super fast to save them all and we just learned what will happen then! The Flash will get lost in infinity! Or something.

The Review
Terrible. It's possible the writing isn't as bad as I believe it is because I'm in a pretty foul mood having to look at Brett Booth's art throughout the story. But I'm fairly certain the writing is that bad because on the final page, Wally West Narration Boxes, "His techno-magic is faster than thought." That's not a thing. See, Kadabra has to think a thought to get the techno-magic to do the thing, so it's at least slower than thought. But let's pretend it's pre-programmed to be faster than thought anyway. Thought isn't really all that fast. Here's the thing. If the Flash runs at superspeed, his ability to think has to be faster than a regular person's ability to think or else he couldn't navigate while running. Hell, he probably shouldn't be able to see very well while running and he certainly shouldn't be able to hear other people talking to him while running faster than the speed of sound. And people shouldn't be able to hear what he...sorry! I've gone off track. Anyway, a common way to beat The Flash in old DC Comics was to have him go up against psychics like Grodd because their thoughts were faster than his speed ability. Again, though, total nonsense. I'll admit that if Grodd blasted The Flash with his psionics while The Flash wasn't paying attention, it would work wonderfully. But if The Flash survived the blast, it would be over for Grodd. Unless Grodd didn't need to be nearby and only needed to think his psychic thoughts without directing them. But then who could stand against Grodd anyway?! Maybe Doctor Fate!

Um, anyway, I didn't like this issue or this series, so it's gone. Off the list! Even if it's going to be a linchpin series in the whole Watchmen fucking with the DC Universe story, I have to drop it. There are just way too many bad ideas in it and it's trying way too hard to replace New 52 continuity for whatever the fuck the characters say enough times to convince readers. I'll pass.