Batgirl #4

Yappy dragons are the worst.

Dear Diary,
Did you hear about Jennifer Lawrence scratching her butt on a sacred rock?! So disrespectful! And you know there's nothing worse in the world than disrespecting other people's irrational beliefs! I mean, sure, I get having an itchy ass in a wet suit because you might not have wiped particularly well that day since, you know, my Batsuit is practically a wetsuit and I've also had those kinds of days when I get undressed and reach down the back of my underwear for a good scratch and then bring my fingers up to sniff them and they're covered in poo! But I'd never wipe my ass on a sacred rock! That's like burning a flag or drawing Mohammad or having an abortion! These are things other people don't want other people to do for reasons that I suppose we should all just agree with because they're so passionate about them. Not that I believe any rock is sacred or that burning a flag is dishonoring servicepeople or that drawing Mohammad is a form of idol worship and therefore against Allah's word or that having an abortion is killing a baby! But other people believe those things and I guess I should respect those beliefs? I mean, unless I strongly believe the opposite! Like how if a rock killed my grandmother and now I had a sacred duty to wipe my ass on all rocks!

Anyswayze, who really cares, amirite?! I suppose people who can't get enough with finding faults in other people because it gives them righteous indignation boners. Although in her story, Jennifer Lawrence did admit that the real curse is white people, so why is everybody so mad? She was, like, admitting that thing we all knew already!

Also that thing I said about sniffing my butt fingers was just a joke. Ha ha!

So this week, I met these supervillains who were really into researching American dropouts. Weird!

These criminals were Asian dropouts which is like the worst of the worst when it comes to dropouts! Unless that's racist! I mean, even if it is racist, it's probably sort of true. Not that they're the dumbest dropouts out of all the dropouts! Heck, a Korean dropout is probably thirty times smarter than an American high school graduate! Um, that's probably a racist assumption too! But if I can't make racist assumptions in my own Diary, Diary, where can I make them?! Oh! I know! In Trump's America! Hmm, this Diary might be a best-seller if I leak it to the right American publisher!

Oh man! Speaking about racial stereotypes, how about those Korean gamers?! Holy crap, those guys are serious! I'd wipe my ass on a hundred sacred rocks before I disrespected a South Korean gaming clan in an online game! Especially if it's one with PvP because if you attack one member and defeat them, you'll suddenly find yourself attacked and destroyed in the most massively coordinated attack in the history of coordinated online gaming attacks! I've experienced in a game called Archmage that I played when I was like six! People tried to warn me! But I was all, "No, no! I can take them down!" And then I was attacked by fifty people at exactly the same time thereby bypassing the cool down time for getting attacked once you've been completely destroyed. Bastards!

More Asian dropouts attacked and I had to get out of there because I felt bad beating them up when they were victims of a social attitude that demands excellence in academics that not everybody can achieve. They weren't the monsters! The culture they lived in was the monster! Wait. Is that racist too?! I mean, can I, a white woman, judge the value of another society if that value causes unwarranted pain and hardship among the populace? Or should I just keep my white nose out of it?! I'm glad this Diary is private and a whole bunch of judgmental assholes won't be reading it! Can you imagine, Diary, if you had a comment section?! Eep!

Meanwhile this was happening to Kai although I didn't know it yet! Sigh. Look at those abs! Why am I suddenly reminded of the Hoover Dam?!

I needed some help with The Mystery of Whatever the Mystery Was (I Think It Had To Do With A Martial Arts Tutoring Program That Kai Ran Afoul Of?). I really do need to work on my Mystery Names. How am I ever going to market a series of Young Adult novels about a super hip chick with a majorly fine ass who goes around the world solving mysteries and fucking hunks if the name of the mystery can't even fit on the cover?! I think the first book should be called "The Mystery of the Penis Filled Orifice!" Hmm, I'm thinking about the Hoover Dam again!

Anyswayze, I called Frankie to help me out with my mystery. She was all, "That Biowhatever you're whosit now whatsit thingy was created by the what's-his-name who was accused of stealing and publishing some other chick's research but the accusation was never proven." And I was all, "Gross! Shouldn't the accusation have been enough to prove the research was stolen?!" And Frankie was all, "Right?! The guy who stole it barely graduated so he totes couldn't have come up with that shit himself!" And I was all, "So gross!"

Frankie found all the clues I needed to put this Mystery (and Kai!) in bed! To bed? Whatever! The bio-encrypted drugs or whatever that Kai was somehow involved in transporting were going to be used to make all of the stupid Asian kids smart enough to pass their tests so their parents would give them oral stimulation of their genitals! That's a thing, right? Oh man. Don't tell me. Racism again, right?! Egads!

So anyway, Teacher stole the bio-crap out of Kai's stomach and then the bio-crap left in his stomach was destroyed by antibiotics when he ended up in the hospital! Now he's going to be killed by some Asian gang and I'm probably never going to learn what his man-meat tastes like! Probably like licking a sweaty foot, right? So gross! Now why am I thinking of the Mojave Desert?!

Before leaving Kai for good, I, as Batgirl, advised him to get a real job and then maybe Barbara Gordon might want to date him. If he had guess that I was Batgirl at that moment, I totally would have done him! But he didn't because he's just as dopey as I remember. Too bad! His body was good enough to do ethically terrible things! Now I see why Batman lets Catwoman get away with everything just short of murder! Or does she murder now? I think she murders now, right? Or is that just a red herring?

Anyswayze, following the trail of clues I worked super hard to get Frankie to discover, I found the Super Villain Cram School run by Evil Teacher! My first act was to batarang the shit out of her Evil Study Drugs which shattered all over her and turned her into the Bane version of my seventh grade English teacher! Or maybe a different teacher. My 7th Grade English Teacher was Mr. Sousa and he had a weird obsession with Romeo and Juliet, so much so that we spent one entire quarter doing nothing but reading and watching different versions of the play. The ballet! The pop art modern take! That old movie that showed tits! A version of it in the park! I suppose if he sucked down some Venom, he'd just boner rage down to the closest Shakespeare Festival.

So I was just about to get into a fight with Mrs. Bane when I realized I was bored with my life abroad. I mean, I still kicked her ass and all but that story will have to go unheard by any Diary. I mean, I just don't feel like writing about my life anymore! Sorry, Diary! I need to concentrate on my vagina before it dries out!

The Review!
I'm more interested in this series than I was the last time I read an issue but it's too late. I've taken it off of my pull list! It's a shame, too, because Batgirl is the only character in the DC Universe who knows how to handle a thought bubble! Also she has a great ass!

The Hellblazer #4

This looks like a cover for The Watchtower. "Top Ten Tips For Asking Jesus To Keep Your Tie From Getting Caught In Your Bicycle Chain."

• This issue begins with John Constantine tied up next to Chas. Well fuck that. My favorite part of kidnapping stories is when they tie the person to the chair! I can't get enough of amateurs tying ridiculous knots that you know will never hold! One time, I saw a kidnapper tie someone with a few slipped round turns! Ridiculous! Or, like in this comic book, when they tie two people together back to back and think that's going to hold! People are squishy! You can generate a lot of slack just by puffing out your belly when you're being tied! Then, once everything seems taut and in place, you suck in your belly, deflate your lungs, collapse your ribcage, and voila! You're free! Idiots.

• Constantine knows the bookie thugs from school. Apparently they're racist assholes. Come on, Oliver! Not all bookies are racist violent assholes! Some are just violent assholes! Although I probably shouldn't assume that Simon Oliver is commenting on all bookie thugs just by his characterization of this one. Although a large number of citizens did vote for Brexit due to their fear of foreigners coming into the country, so maybe this guy's racist tendencies are less because he's a bookie and more just because he's a working class Brit.

• I'm not slagging off Brits! I'm an American! We have even more racist working class and president elects than they do! Also more racist everything elses, like whatever you call the other classes in America that aren't working class. First and business?

• The racist bookie wants John to teach him how to pick horses before he blows John's head off with his shotgun. That seems dangerous. If I knew somebody who could do real magic, I don't think I'd try to force them to teach me a spell. They might teach me a spell that causes me to not feel when I have to take a shit anymore! And I'd have the added embarrassment that I cast it on myself!

• Constantine sends the bookie, White Boy, out to get some magical supplies. He's just stalling until the genies show up. This is like a movie by that guy who married Madonna! You know the guy! He made that heist movie called Vagina, and that other one, Two Smoking Barrels and a Microphone!

• So that was the first quarter of the comic, spent in Chas's kitchen arguing with a racist jerko. The next quarter will be about Swamp Thing as he waits for Mercury to return from her wormhole adventures. He's probably going to fight a bunch of Rotlings during this part. It's probably a good time to go to the bathroom. All you'll miss out on is a poorly choreographed fight between a plant and a decaying pile of ooze.

Hurry back! It's almost over!

• Constantine had better hurry up and get out of the chair he's tied to because Swamp Thing isn't doing well battling The Rot inside The Rot. But right now, John's too busy trying to convince Chas that Chas isn't going to die even though every person who ever winds up in a comic book with Constantine winds up dead. Well, maybe not every person. But a lot of them! Although most of those that die, John didn't rely upon for transportation.

• By chanting a bunch of Latin words, Constantine stalls long enough for the genies to arrive. At least I think the words are Latin. They look like the kind of words I've seen inscribed on pretentious marble structures.

• The Djinn arrive and kill all of the racist assholes because racist assholes aren't allowed to live happily ever after in stories. It would be irresponsible of a writer to portray a world where being racist and an asshole (I mean, a major asshole and not just a minor asshole!) brings you success and good fortune! I suppose there are stories where the racist pretty much wins in the end, like Othello. But right up front, the author makes sure the audience knows that the story is a tragedy and that everybody should be sad when Othello loves so well that he murders Ophelia. Unless it was Desdemona who he murdered. Or Cleopatra.

• Constantine shows up at Mercury's farm just as she and Swamp Thing return from The Rot. Mercury didn't find Abby but she found traces of Djinn, just like Constantine. So now, after four long issues, Mercury is going to be a main character! My boner is celebrating.

The Review!
The majority of this story takes place with the main character tied to a chair in a dirty London kitchen. When the violent action does take place, it happens off-panel and in the dark. Sure, there's a scene or two where Swamp Thing battles some Rot Monsters but I think that was thrown in to compensate for the lack of action elsewhere. The thing is, Swamp Thing's bit was the worst part of the story. I wouldn't have minded if it was left out and replaced by a few more pages of Chas and Constantine discussing how dolphins are total bastards. I'm now a fan of Simon Oliver's writing. And I'm lucky enough that one of my favorite artists, Moritat, is providing the scenery. Four stars! Or whatever.

The Hellblazer #3

How did this cover make the cut? If I were editor, I would have scrapped it and just went with a blank red cover.

• For years now, journalists have heaped scorn on and rolled their eyes at Internet news bloggers. But have any of those journalists ever become the shadow puppet master of the future president of the United States controlling the appointment of key cabinet figures to tear down the whole entire system? I think not! Journalists, you owe bloggers an apology! They were apparently far more powerful than you ever considered! Oh, and probably far more vile and racist than you ever could have imagined. And now because you were afraid to look biased and too left-leaning (even though, no matter how much you tried to move right of center, you were criticized anyway!) while Internet news sites (both fake and super fake (and, of course, racist and misogynistic)) didn't mind destroying the right end of the spectrum to open up some new and fertile land even further right from the center than ever before, we have a large chunk of the voting populace too blinded by hate and propaganda to understand the stakes of what is happening.

• Here's an easy test to find out if you understand propaganda: if you think scientists are biased and lean too far to the left and have some sort of pernicious agenda, you might be a redneck. Dammit. I fucked that up and stole garbage material at the same time! I meant to say you're being swindled by textbook propaganda. I know, I know! If you're one of them, you've just rolled your eyes and scoffed and maybe snorted a french fry out of your nose while thinking, "You've fallen for propaganda!" That's why propaganda is so insidious! Because one side sees reality for what it is and the other side confidently thinks they see reality for what it is but are just pigs at the trough soon headed for slaughter. There's a saying the conspiracy nutters rely on: Follow the money. No scientist is getting rich by trying to explain the reality of the world through science and the government isn't getting rich off of creating regulations. But the people who deny climate change? They do so because regulations limiting pollution cost them money. Regulations limiting the accumulation of resources cost them money. Regulations protecting people from corporations razing the land limit profits.

• One of the bits of propaganda used to get people rabidly against the idea of climate change is that it will somehow affect their lives drastically. But the changes being made will affect the average person as much as the estate tax affects them. Meaning it won't affect them at all. You might be encouraged to recycle or compost but that's just because it's as easy to do those things as throw shit in the trash. And guess what? You really don't have to do it, if you're that maddened by the entire prospect. Just like you'll almost certainly never have enough money to be affected by the estate tax when you die, you will also never generate enough pollution in your individual life that the government is going to regulate how you live it. Government regulations to limit pollution are there not because they're growing too powerful and uppity and doing whatever they want. They're there because without them, corporations would simply flip the bird at every citizen in this country, trading safety and health for higher profits.

• Yes, yes. I know. I'm the pig at the trough, yada blah blah yada. Keep oinking and clutching your guns, you geniuses. Enjoy four years of gloating that your horse won while your horse pads its wallet while Wyrmtongue whispers in its ear.

• Oh, I mention guns only because that issue is like abortion. If you're against abortion, it's the only issue you vote on. And if you think your guns are in danger, it's the only political issue you really care about. Basically, you vote for anything anti-government because you believe the government is going to kick in your door at any moment to take your guns, after which they can stick you in a FEMA death camp where they'll hold lotteries to kill as many people as possible for their population control agenda.

• If you're thinking, "I liked this blog better when it was about comic books," then you have another think coming. It's never been about comic books! Mostly it's been about me. But you can thank Donald Trump and the Electoral College and all of the people who, for whatever reason, heard Donald Trump speak time and time again and couldn't see he was a big dopey gasbag who is unfit for practically any professional position. I won't be shutting up about how terrible this whole situation is.

Oh look! Simon Oliver feels the same way I do! Except in British!

• Boris Johnson's Knob, the horse Chas put Constantine's money on, wins the race and makes Chas two hundred quid. I mean, the odds were 500 to 1 and he probably put more of Constantine's money on it than that but Constantine only offered to give Chas two hundred pounds for placing the bet. What a chump!

• When Constantine's story continues, he's falling into a seemingly infinite void talking about dolphins. My first reaction was, "Here we go again! Some writer wasn't sure how to start the story so they wedged in a little fifth grade report on something that has nothing to do with this comic book." But by the time John ends his thoughts on dolphins, I'm totally on his side and thinking, "Man! That was a cute take on dolphins! And thematic too! It was like a little chocolate mint short story to get me in the right frame of mind! Sort of like those little candy suppositories waiting on the pillow when you check into a hotel."

• The dolphin introduction is interesting in that, in most cases, an opening like this would simply annoy me and I'd be fuming while reading the rest of the book. "What a shit way to start!" I'd think as I continued to read Rob Liefeld's terrible comic book while also thinking, "I wish Rob were also drawing this terrible comic book because two terribles makes a fantastic time!" But because I enjoyed Constantine's take on dolphins, and I like how he tied it all in to his own reputation, I'm all wet and ready and eager to receive the rest of the story.

And then I orgasm too early because the dialogue following the dolphin shit is just as entertaining.

• Speaking of orgasming too early, I'm reminded of the Loudon Wainwright III song that goes, "You used to say I came too early but it was you who came too late." Such poetry!

• Meanwhile, Mercury and Swamp Thing head into The Rot to search for Abby Arcane. She was the Avatar of the Rot so she shouldn't be missing. But since her role in the Swamp Thing Mythos has always been of partner and lover, I imagine her disappearance is to set the New 52 record straight. This is Rebirth, after all! That means all of the things that had sort of been changed but not really as drastically as everybody proclaimed by the New 52 must be set back to rights. So Anton Arcane probably has something to do with this! He's more of the Avatar of the Rot sort of guy. I think he was in Hell but that's never stopped him before.

• From Map, Constantine learns that he's being chase by Djinns. Constantine doesn't believe in the Djinn but he figures something is after him, so he should probably listen. He discovers that they're actually after the Swamp Thing who he pawned off on Mercury. So now Constantine is going to have to track them down in The Rot.

• In The Rot, Mercury discovers a wormhole and heads through it alone. Swamp Thing must wait for her return in The Rot which probably means he'll be attacked and nearly killed! But Constantine will save him next issue and they'll go on fabulous adventures together.

• But before John can get to Swamp Thing, he needs a ride. So he heads back to pick up Chas and his cab only to find Chas bound and gagged and surrounded by a bunch of bookie thugs. They'll probably get ripped apart by Djinn next issue!

The Review!
This book is written well, interesting, and lovely to look at. So it's surprising that this is the cover DC went with. This cover makes me think the story within is going to be a frightful mess about that time Constantine shit himself while exploring the haunted subway under Parliament. Instead, it's about genies and Constantine vomiting on himself while exploring the spooky underground. Totally different.

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #4

I wish the Portland Art Museum would get the Dog Welders Throughout History exhibit.

Yesterday, I received a call from a foreigner who wanted to tell me about my Windows 10 security issues. He began the conversation by asking, "Is this Tess?" And I was all, "Nope!" Nonplussed, he continued, "I'm calling about your Windows 10 security issues and I would like to--". At that point I interrupted him and said that I don't have Windows 10. This was as much a lie as my not being Tess. Again, he forged ahead with his script. I interrupted him one more time and asked, "How much is this costing you?" He said, "Oh, it won't cost you anything!" And I said, "No, no. How much is this stupid scam phone call costing you?" He paused for a second and said, "A lot. Send me the money!" As I was laughing, he hung up. Can I consider that guy my new friend because that was the best phone call I've had all year.

The Review!
I cut the commentary section short because all you need to know about this Garth Ennis book is contained in the following panel:

I suppose I also could have scanned a picture of Dog Welder welding dogs to somebody's face or Bueno Excellente trying to fuck something disgusting but they'd basically transmit the same information, just differing in degree.

Although I suppose, maybe, I should sum up the entire book--in fact, Garth Ennis's entire take on superhero comics--with this panel:

Usually this comic book depresses me because it's so physically revolting that I can think of nothing but my body's inevitable decay. But now I also feel I wasted my entire life while trying to ignore that fact!

Actually, I'm comfortable enough knowing that my life has been nothing but dogwelding, day in and day out. In college, I decided that I was the reincarnation of every great writer that had ever lived because I never learned anything new from anything I read. Everything just reiterated things I'd already contemplated, sometimes simply giving me names to past philosophical musings, like Taoism and Existentialism. I decided that my responsibility in life was to give my previous lives a break. This was the life where they could relax and have fun and just enjoy themselves. That's why I masturbate so much!

This issue ends with The Second Sign screaming out of space toward Section Eight. I hope it's Lobo!

Actually, it ends with a double page spread of Jesse Custer by Steve Dillon. He's dead so I won't critique his art!

Hard-Travelin' Heroz: Six Pack Loves Dog Welder #3

I hope the last thing Steve Dillon ever drew wasn't Six Pack's befouled pants or Dog Welder's hand up a dog's ass.

Holy shit! Thanks to Steve Dillon's cover which reminded my of artists whose art I don't really like which reminded my of Charlie Adlard, I just remembered I haven't watched this week's The Walking Dead! I'm such a slacker! I also haven't watched this week's Supergirl! Or the last two week's Scream Queens! I'm so far behind in my television watching. I haven't even mentioned all of the shows that have been on HBO or Showtime that I don't have easy access to which are in the queue of things to watch, if I can get to them before I die.

Anyway, Six Pack and Dog Welder are three issues in and they haven't traveled hard at all yet. But I shouldn't get angry because, according to the cover, they're finally going to get out of Gotham and head to England. I know most of you are probably thinking I'm an idiot because they're obviously in Egypt. As if Egypt still has any of their mummies! I admit the pyramids are are still in Egypt but I'm sure that's only because the British couldn't figure out an easy way to smuggle them back home.

This issue begins with Constantine saying "fuck" but in all asterisks which confuses me because this book is the same rating as Vigilante: Southland and they were able to print the actual swear in that comic book! Maybe that's because Vigilante didn't also have a guy with his hand up a dog's asshole. Garth Ennis probably had to make some concessions with the language to get in the dog fisting.

This issue is called "All He Left Us Was Alone" so now I'm weeping inconsolably and yelling "Daddy!" for some reason.

My first thought as I scanned this scene was, "Is this the same artist? Everything in Noonan's is so clean!" And then I noticed the little drop of liquid shit on the floor between Six Pack's legs and almost threw up.

Dog Welder wanders off so now the road trip has to wait for Hacken to tell Six Pack a story about something that happened to Dog Welder the previous year. But before Hacken can get to his story so that the story can get to the road trip, the story shifts to where Dog Welder wandered off to. He's gone off to see his kids! Which is probably the story Hacken was going to get to! You know, the one where Dog Welder's family came to find him and then he welded dogs to his kids' faces? I wish my father had showed that much affection.

Remember how I've often complained about John Constantine not being John Constantine now that he can't say cunt in his own comic book? Well, that's been rectified here! Um...sort of.

Berk is Cockney rhyming slang for cunt!

I know berk doesn't rhyme with cunt but you have to get past that! Cockney rhyming slang is more complicated than just thinking up a rhyme and using the rhyming word. That's too fucking obvious! If you called somebody a "hunt," they'd totally know what you were getting at! But if the rhyme for cunt were, say, "Berkshire Hunt" then you drop the last word, chop a syllable off the first word, and whammo! Berk! Now you can call people the worst word in the world and get away with it!

Section 8 arrives to calm the situation between Dog Welder and his ex-wife. He does this by guzzling vodka and throwing up between his fingers. That should work, right? When a maniac dressed in a welder's outfit shows up talking to you through a dead dog shoved onto his hand, it takes a back seat to a flying surfboard showing up carrying a pile of guts, a barely verbal drooling sodomite, a demon screaming his name, a drunk smelling of shit and piss, and a British guy in an astronaut's helmet, right? That's kind of like de-escalating a situation.

The cops also arrive but Constantine takes them out with his sci-fi Hellb-laser. Is that why he became a parody of the Silver Surfer in this? Just for the Hellblazer laser joke?

Dog Welder realizes that he can't go back to his family so that's his super hero cross to bear. I think it's the part of the comic book where Garth Ennis gets a big maudlin so that readers can think, "Oh yeah! Ennis knows how to write stuff that isn't just piss and puke and hating on super heroes and massively injuring the bad guy in innumerably unspeakable ways!" And then Constantine makes Dog Welder's family forget him so that nobody ever has to deal with that part of the story again! But he doesn't use the Hellblazer on Dog Welder because that would take away his need to be a hero. Remember what happened to Bruce Wayne when he forgot all about his childhood trauma?! He became boring and began helping children in the community instead of dressing them up like whackjobs and endangering their lives. So boring!

And then Section Eight finally hits the road! Or the skies! Or the surf! I'm not sure how to describe traveling by magical surfboard.

Once in Egypt, they must enter a pyramid because that's where all of the cool shit happens like turning guys into Metamorphos and all of the other comic book stuff that has happened in pyramids that I can't remember but I'm sure must have happened a lot. And that's when the mummies attack! Should I have used an exclamation point for that? It's not like it was a surprise or anything. Even if the mummies weren't on the cover, who was expecting anything other than mummies? I suppose curses and death traps too! But those are optional. You can have a trip to Egypt and the pyramids without those. But you can't leave out the mummies!

The Review
This issue wasn't as gross as some of the past issues so it didn't feel like I was reading a Section Eight comic book. Which on one hand is a good thing because I hate being reminded of how squishy and disgusting the human body is. But on the other hand, I really felt like the issue was missing something. Of course, on the other hand, that something was splatterings of semen, shit, piss, and vomit on every surface in the background and on everybody's clothing. I've now gone into debt on the amount of hands I've used to explain myself.

Blue Beetle #2

The fight we've all been waiting for: Blue Beetle versus Red Scribblething!

The media has been doing a terrible job for years but I want people to know that I think they're terrible at their job for different reasons than anybody who calls it "the mainstream media." Because you know when somebody says "the mainstream media," it means they have their own trusted little conspiracy-riddled source of media where they believe the truth resides. And if they believe the bullshit being funneled into their empty heads from those sources, of course they're going to believe "the mainstream media" is lying to everybody. Because why else would "the mainstream media" be ignoring things like Sandy Hoax and Pizzagate?! These are also the same people who will ask you for a source that disproves their idiocy and then scoff at you when you refer them to a site like Snopes. As if Snopes is just an opinion blog that doesn't link to a huge list of references used in their articles. I guess the bias and spin can be seen in that reference list which never seems to pull information from articles by Infowars and Worldtruth.tv and Coast to Coast AM.

We all have that friend who tells us we've been snowed by "the mainstream media" and then links to some loony YouTube video that explains the truth (unless you are that friend and then your friends are all fucking idiots who wouldn't know the truth if it walked up to them and said, "Hi! Trump is great!"). It doesn't matter if, like me, you avoid most of "the mainstream media" sources (as well as "the truthful, non-mainstream media" sources!) if your opinions mirror those of "the mainstream media" because you've still probably been duped by somebody, probably a libtard friend who can't stop watching "the mainstream media" and sneakily whispered the mass media hypnotic revelations into your ear, probably while you were enjoying a candy bar so that you associate the feelings of ingesting silky smooth chocolate and creamy caramel with the liberal agenda.

The worst thing about all these Truthers and mainstream conspiracy theory nutters is that they've ruined the entire X-Files world for me. I used to love reading things about predictive programming and secret government projects like Cloverleaf and Paper Clip and searches for cryptids and elaborate experiments in Mantauk! I used to lose myself in reading schizophrenic rants by Francis E. Dec or ones just found left in copiers by unknowns! By I just can't enjoy any of it anymore because it reminds me that there are way too many Americans taking much of this stuff way too seriously, convinced everything they don't agree with is a PSYOP. And it's because they've been taken in by "the alt-stream media" while screaming at everybody else for being duped by "the mainstream media." And you know the worst part about these "alt-stream media" believing assholes? They start every argument with "I've researched this for years" or "I've been studying this my entire life." Well, if by "research" and "study," you mean Googled the Internet until you found videos full of unsubstantiated rumor and oddball assumptions that confirmed your bias and stroked your selfish ego, I suppose I can't argue with that! I guess "pizza" does indeed mean "underage sex slave"! But at least Snopes actually responds directly to each point brought up and lists sources for why they've proclaimed something true or false! I'll take that over "Look at these four girls from different tragedies who all look similar and therefore must be the same girl!" any day.

I was hoping to read this comic book before going to work tonight but as you might have noticed, I fell down an Internet Rabbit Hole when a friend on Facebook commented on an asshole on Facebook's comment about "Sandy Hoax." Christ, people are nutjobs.

Here's a book report I once did about a nutjob book my father thought was great!

Sorry, Blue Beetle, I'm not ready to start reading yet! Here's the thing about "Sandy Hoax": the day after the Sandy Hook massacre, Clyde Lewis was already on the radio suggesting it was a False Flag. That's simply the go-to cry of the Second Amendment patriots. If a gun was used to kill innocent people then that event was obviously staged to get people behind gun control. So the thesis was already written before the event even took place. After that, it's just a matter of taking all of the terrible "mainstream media" reports from the chaotic aftermath and using them as facts to prove discrepancies in the timeline. So the only time "the mainstream media" gets things right is when their idiotic, need-to-be-first, crap reporting (part of the "terrible job" I mentioned earlier!) says things that can later be used in the "official" report of the conspiracy. So "the mainstream media" is wrong about everything until they're actually wrong and then their errors are used as truthful evidence of what really happened.

People just want to believe the stupidest shit. Probably because they've all been brainwashed by David Icke's lizard people. I hear they're really into pizza.

Here are Blue Beetle's new partners, The Posse! I should probably say tentative partners since Blur seems to be kicking Beetle's ass on the cover.

Why the fuck are these kids hanging out with a sentient root? It's not like that description says he's a kid who tripped over a radioactive root and gained the power to destroy sidewalks and puncture septic tanks. It says he's an intelligent bush! Maybe a bush near the baseball field was hit by an intense gamma ray burst and soon found itself contemplating its own existence. Daily, it watched the children talking and playing nearby until it had a grasp on the English language. At that point, it slowly grew itself into a humanoid shape and pulled itself out of the ground to hang out with the humans. After learning what "wedgies" and "swirlies" were, it finally found a bunch of freaks that didn't mind it hanging around them. He took the name Root so he could go into battle screaming, "SUCK THE ROOOOOOOOT, BITCHES!"

The Posse have been investigating families disappearing after huge holes suddenly appeared in the middle of their houses. That doesn't seem like much of a mystery! They've obviously been eaten by Tremors. End of story! Next!

Before Jaime can solve the mystery as quickly as I solved it, he's distracted by finding out the Posse know his mom. She's been taking care of them when they get hurt. That sounded like a disgusting "Your mom!" joke, didn't it?

The Posse take Blot to Dr. Reyes but leave Blur behind to flirt with Blue Beetle. At least I think it's flirting. Is it flirting when you automatically assume the person you just met wants to fuck you and you never stop talking about how they must want to fuck you?

Okay. That clears that up. Definitely flirting! Now I know how to do it!

For some reason, Blue Beetle doesn't want to fuck Blur. I would have had my dick inside of her the moment she said, "I don't bite. Unless you're into that kinda thing." Then she probably would have teleported away with my dick inside of her. So maybe Jaime's caution isn't as gay as I thought it was.

You know what? Even if there was a possibility I could lose my dick in a teleporter accident, I'd still fuck Blur! She's hot like a Jim Lee drawing! Scribbles everywhere!

Blur tries to teleport Blue Beetle back to her fuck spot on top of a building but he doesn't appear with her. Apparently she's not good at teleporting other people so Jaime has wound up somewhere random.

Meanwhile Brenda (the Rebirth Brenda who actually looks like an awkward teenage girl and not the super hot New 52 Brenda who I'm currently picturing making out with Vampire Tig) and Paco see a ghost veteran who melts before their eyes. He might have been flirting with them.

See?! Blur came to the same conclusion about Blue Beetle's caution that I did!

Flirty girls are the best! Not that I've ever been able to notice when a girl is flirting with me. I usually miss every sign up until the one where they follow you into the bathroom and stick their hand down the front of your pants. That's a good sign!

Blur gets a little too aggressive and the Blue Beetle Armor thinks she's trying to harm Jaime. I'm glad I was never wearing Blue Beetle Armor when those hands were stuck down the front of my pants! So the Armor attacks Blur which is how the fight on the cover begins. I hope it ends with fucking! I hope this is secretly a fuckfight!

I really am turned on by Blur! Women who know what they want is a turn on! I mean, if what they want is sex with me. If what they want is to discuss our feelings, I'm out of there!

Blue Beetle winds up electrocuting Blur with a tiny electro-bug thing and then she almost dies!

This relationship is way better than the Bat/Cat one!

The issue ends with a family moment at home that's all stupid because Blur and Beetle didn't fuck. I wonder how many letters I'd have to write to DC to get them to change this from a Teen title to a Teen Plus title? Maybe even a Mature title! The kids who discovered their love of Jaime Reyes from the DC cartoons are old enough to see him fuck now, right? I mean, were they old enough to see him fuck previously? Probably! But as an adult, I don't think I'm supposed to discuss how sexual teenagers actually are. We're supposed to pretend they've never stuck a hand down the front of another teenager's pants ever! But being an adult who was once a teenager, I know for a fact they put their hands down each other's pants! I also know that sometimes they rub their boobs on your arm when you're playing Donkey Kong Jr. Or push the back of your head into their crotch when they sit behind you on the couch you were leaning against. Or come into their brother's room with a friend, interrupting you while you're rolling up Dungeons and Dragons characters, to strip in front of you and do things I've never seen adult strippers do while sitting on a bowling ball!

Hmm. Are all those memories now considered child pornography?! Eep! My memories are a cesspool of filth and illegality!

The Review!
+1 Ranking! I haven't even added this title to the rankings yet and I'm advancing it up a notch! That's almost all because of Blur. I'm glad she was in this because I haven't had a crush like this on a character since Maps! I mean, my crush on Maps was more of a "I wish I were Maps!" kind of thing. My crush on Blur is more like my crush on Vampire Tig which is a "I wish I were in Vampire Tig!" thing.

Action Comics #968

I think I accidentally got the gay porn parody of Action Comics.

We're entering a new age of anti-enlightenment so I think I need to get with the times. Sure, some people who have encountered my comic book commentaries probably already suspect I'm anti-enlightenment. I do make light of an awful lot of terrible things that nobody should ever be flippant about. But that's just because I'm more broken than the lot of them. They care so much that they can't stand to read facetious comments about terrible injustices. They still have a heart and are still capable of feeling things. Probably because they're all so young and passionate and still believe that the world can become a Utopian dream. But I'm old and bitter and don't give a shit about anything except my cat Judas which death took from me two years ago, leaving me bereft of any joy or hope. I'm a husk of a human being because forty-five years is apparently too long to live. Not that I want to be dead! Fuck no! I want to live until dementia kills my ego and understanding of actual death. Then I can die! I just mean after forty-five years, there's not much left to give a shit about that hasn't had the luster worn from it by the not-really-as-slow-as-I'd-like crawl of time. And you know what's hard to do when you don't give any shits about anything at all anymore? Critical reviews of pop culture! Apathy isn't exactly the best tool to bring to a discussion of popular entertainment! You need passion for the medium! You need a love of the characters! You need to care about fictional relationships and intense drama and twisting plots! You need to have an issue through which to perceive the stories being told to their current audience! But I have no issues! I'm a cipher!

I don't bring up my dark, cynical, uncaring bastardness to brag. I just thought it would show how I'm in a bit of a dilemma when it comes to writing about comic books. Some people are passionate about representation and can pick up any comic book on the shelves and discuss it through that lens. Some people care about feminism, or racism, or being an awkward teenage girl who can't get laid no matter how hard she tries because she's just on the other side of ugly. I might have cared about some of those things when I was younger. At this moment, my right foot is currently resting on a box full of college essays on those kinds of things. I wrote humorous essays in college too and, I suppose, those are the things that really stuck with me. I definitely got the most attention from professors for the funny stuff since they all seemed relieved that somebody in their class wasn't taking everything so fucking seriously. And, I guess, maybe that's my thing, right? Not caring. Not giving a shit. Embracing the farce of it all. Maybe it's really my time to shine because, historically, America is as close to a complete farce as it's ever been. I think maybe it's time to fire up my hate engine again. Especially because I remembered the following question from Anonymous and thought, "Hatred for my hobby was always a good angle, wasn't it?!"

Anonymous asked: Am I the only one who secretly wants you to hate almost everything you read? The reviews are normally more entertaining when you do, I find it to be true indeed.

Although what kind of an asshole ends a sentence with "I find it to be true indeed"? What a fucking dick.

Here's another piece of Anonymous mail I once received and my response:

Anonymous asked: You should consider Li'l Gotham for your backlog :)

You’re a backlog!

That elementary school response has brought me so much joy! Which is the most minuscule increment of joy that one can feel since I said that thing earlier about not feeling joy and I should probably continue to pretend, for at least this commentary, that I wasn't lying!

So I should probably get back to being extremely hateful! But not in the way Trumpland citizens are hateful! I mean in the way where I hate everything that is stupid and dumb and maybe not really poorly written but I'll make it seem that way anyway! My hate game is strong!

Before I get started, I want to clarify why I hate Donald Trump. It's because he's dumb. He's an idiot. He opens his mouth and nuggets of shit, not wisdom, dribble out. When people defend Trump, I can write them off as stupid as well because I think, "How do you not hear his stupidity in every word he says? In every Tweet he Twits? He's a goddamned moron." I've written off a lot of people in the last few months!

Here's Superman making an area unsafe and screaming at a nearby family to fuck off because they're in an unsafe place. What a dick.

Superman crashes into the helicopter of a pilot who gives Superman tours. Then Superman smashes Zade into a nearby trailer truck. The helicopter pilot says, "I am so fired." Why?! Why the fuck would you be responsible for Superman smashing up the heliport? Unless the pilot knows he's fired because he went against his boss's orders and didn't buy Superman Insurance. But who lives in Metropolis and doesn't buy Superman Insurance?! I bet Lex Luthor has made a killing on offering that shit! Mostly because he only pays out on a quarter of the claims. Superman Insurance doesn't pay out if the person Superman was battling smashes your shit. You have to read the fine print!

Although, really, the person who should have the insurance is Superman. If he were driving and he crashed into a helicopter and a truck and then another truck and then a building, Superman would be responsible for the damages! I suppose somebody could make a pretty good case that the alien is responsible but good luck getting him to pay up! The lawyers would go after Superman. If Superman paid for insurance that would guarantee innocent bystanders were compensated for damage and injury from his protecting the city, I'd complain less about Metropolis getting destroyed while Superman fights an alien whose only reason for being in Metropolis was to fight Superman.

See?! I knew I got the gay porn parody!

Superboy decides to get involved even though his father told him to stay put. If Superboy keeps acting this way, Clark and Lois are going to have to find him a Kryptonite babysitter. And I don't mean Metallo! I just mean, you know, a huge chunk of Kryptonite on a hand-truck that Lois wheels up from the lead-lined basement and into Jon's room. That should keep him put.

The editor, Mike Cotton, must edit this book while stoned. On one page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. Then on the next page, Superman thinks about how the mystery Clark Kent sent him an SOS and Cotton puts in an editorial note that that happened last issue. You might see, by the similarity of my statements, how that was probably redundant. And it's redundancies like that which editors are supposed to be looking out for! Who edits the editors?!

Meanwhile, Lex is attacked by L'call the Godslayer and shits himself.

BRIPT is the sound effect of pants being shat in, right?

Lex Luthor shoots missiles at Godslayer but Godslayer teleports away to reappear behind Lex. But right before Godslayer teleports to dodge the missiles, he says, "Blasters. A 42-degree firing angle." I guess he's autistic and can't help calling out the angles of things because noticing the angle of the blasters means nothing when you're just teleporting out of the way.

Meanwhile Superman continues to fight Zade who introduces himself to Superman so that Superman won't forget him. Well, at least that means he's not going to kill Superman. That should allow Superman to relax.

Although this statement probably just made Clark's asshole repucker.

Just before Superman finds out what Zade's thing does, Superboy drives a truck into Zade. This defeats Zade because Superman apparently punches like a Kryptonian girl on a planet with a yellow sun. How is driving a truck into Zade more powerful than Superman punching Zade in the face? Superman punched Zade's arm earlier to make Zade let go of his throat and it didn't work. But a fucking semi-trailer truck smashes into him from the back and Zade is knocked out? I'm going to simply believe that Zade's ass is his Achilles Heel.

I didn't know (and still don't really know!) if it should be Achilles' Heel or Achilles Heel. I can see arguments for both so maybe it depends on usage. If the heel is actually the one that belongs to Achilles, then the apostrophe. But if it's just the phrase meaning a weakness that can lead to somebody's downfall, no apostrophe would be needed because the Achilles is just an adjective describing the kind of heel! The reason I mention this quandary is less about transparency and an exciting behind-the-scenes look at my writing but because when I was on the Wikipedia sight for Achilles' Heel, I checked out one of the past edits for "possible vandalism." Before reverting the article to its previous state, the "possibly" vandalized bit read this:

An '''Achilles' heel''' is a weakness in spite of overall strength, which can actually or potentially lead to downfall. While the mythological origin refers to a physical vulnerability, idiomatic references to other attributes or qualities that can lead to downfall are common. A large penis penetrated his heel killing him.

I don't know what the Wikipedia definition of "possibly" is but I think they're being overly cautious in its usage!

Superman leaves Zade without restraining him because he has never once really listened to any advice Batman has given him. Before he can stop Godslayer, Godslayer shows Superman an image of the future where Lex destroys an entire world. As if that's proof that Lex actually did it! I once drew a picture of me fucking my friend's mom and showed it to him and he rightly didn't believe I actually did it! And there's no way Superman is dumber than that friend of mine.

Superboy doesn't stay hidden well enough and Clark Kent catches a glimpse of him. I think he smells a Pulitzer! "Lois Lane Has Secret Bastard With Superman!"

I just remembered that there's already a Godslayer in the DC Universe! It's the knife that turned Barbara Ann Minerva into Cheetah! I wonder if they're related?

Superman gets stabbed in the shoulder and shot in the face before almost being beheaded. But Superboy stops Godslayer by whining "No! He's my dad!" while Clark Kent scribbles in his note pad and tries to hide his boner.

Godslayer and Zade scoop up Lex Luthor and teleport away to put Lex on trial for future crimes. If there were actually a way to tell future crimes, I'd want to be a Time Cop. Then anytime anybody made my life miserable, I would pretend to consult my Prediction Spheres before looking at them and saying, "Ah! A genocider!" Then I'd put them to death immediately and explain to all the witnesses that he might not be the only genocider in the area and maybe somebody wants to speak out against my actions, hunh?! Then when my Sergeant tries to reprimand me by saying there's no future evidence that the person I killed was a genocider, I'd be all, "Of course not! I killed them before they could become one! Why would the Prediction Spheres tell us old future news?! Duh!"

Clark notices Superman is upset about Lex's kidnapping and brings up the philosophical quandary about whether or not you'd kill Hitler as a baby to save millions of lives. Anybody who would do that is practically Hitler themselves! How could somebody kill a baby?! Especially when you'd have to live with the knowledge that you killed an innocent baby that never did anything to anybody (at least not yet). If it were up to me, I'd go back in time and give Hitler's mother an abortion!

Clark Kent votes for forgetting Lex was kidnapped and probably killed and to just go on with their lives and, by the way Superman, could you answer a question about that kid who says you're his dad?

The Review
No change. I guess this issue was better than the previous issue and definitely much more betterer than the issue before that! Next issue might be even better if it's just twenty pages of Clark Kent and Superman arguing the pros and cons of killing Baby Hitler and maybe how they'd go about it! At least Superman finally sees how this Clark Kent is different from him. He's a bloodthirsty maniac hungry for the blood of newborn babies! He also doesn't mind if Lex is killed for crimes he may never commit. I hope Clark Kent turns out to be a decently educated Bizarro.