Deathstroke Rebirth #1

Did Deathstroke just accidentally chop his holster in half?

The Review!
Too many people somewhere along the line decided what made Slade interesting was that he was a mercenary for hire who also would do anything to protect his children. But that's stupid. Also, his kids are stupid. They're always whining and dying and doing sign language and fucking Robins and getting killed in their first appearance. They're totally annoying! The only relationship of Slade's I've ever cared anything about is his relationship with Wintergreen. And guess what?! That relationship fuels this story! Finally, a Deathstork that I can enjoy! All you other Deathstork fans who love to think he's better than he is and he isn't a monster at all can go suck farts! Man, I hope there's a scene where Wilson and Wintergreen fuck.

The Commentary!
I hope all of the Deathstroke fans have been good little girls and boys! I hope they all prayed to our loving lord and savior, Whoever, for a decent Deathstroke comic book. This is only the Rebirth issue so if you haven't offered up praise, there still may be time! Here's a prayer I wrote for us all to say before bed every night in the hopes that we will be blessed with an engaging story about our favorite sociopathic pedophile:

Whoever, hear my prayer!
Unless it's Whomever, which I don't think it is, but it might be, so whatever.
Please let Christopher Priest be the vessel through which you spread the gospel of Deathstork.
His name is fitting enough, right? "Christ Priest!" How can he be the wrong person to write this book?
If you promise to fulfill our fondest wishes and present a Deathstork comic book that makes sense,
I will promise to never masturbate again. Unless I'm really super horny and you have yet to bless me with a mate,
Which you have to admit must be your fault,
Since you are all-knowing and all-powerful.
And if you really wanted me to stop jerking off to Manga Porn,
You would have me meet someone who might find it pleasurable to lie with me,
Or at least pleasantly buzzed enough to not notice my significant flaws,
But not so drunk that we cannot come to consensual terms
(Forgive me for not knowing how to spell "consensual" at first but who would have thought it would lose the "t" and form a word with "sensual" in it).
Anyway, you probably know better than me what's best and even asking this prayer is probably pissing you off a bit,
Since it means I do not have faith in whatever you have decided is my destiny in life,
And for some reason I can't be happy with your plan,
And I want you to care more for me than you apparently actually do.
Did that come off as passive aggressive? It's really hard to know what to say to an omniscient being.
I mean, you probably knew what I was going to say long before I even said it,
And I imagine you were completely dreading this moment,
And now I feel bad that I've wasted so much of your time,
Even if you have an infinite amount left.
Please do not cut my life short for wanting a better Deathstork comic book>
Amen and Mahalo and all that other junk.

Okay! Now if we all say this prayer, we're bound to get a Deathstork comic book that we can all be proud of! I don't mean "proud" as in "I hope my parents find me reading this!" I mean proud as in "This comic book is finally about an awful, terrible person and it is riveting and I cannot tear my eyes away and Rose and Joseph are nowhere to be seen. Ptui!"

Oh! I think this is a good sign! The title all alone in a black panel with quotes around it is kind of like an independent movie! I already don't understand what's going on! That means it's smart!

The person being thrown in the snow is Grant and the person doing the throwing is Slade Wilson and I already love this version of Slade so much. He threatens to beat Grant's ass and Grant screams at him and runs off to die in the snow. I mean, he won't die, but it's not like Slade goes after him. And guess what? This Slade actually knows that his other son's name is fucking Joseph and not Jericho! Thank Christ(opher Priest)!

Although, why would running the heater on the truck all night kill the battery of the truck? Wouldn't it just run the truck out of gas? Because doesn't the truck need to be running for the heater to work? I guess Slade's truck as an electric space heater system! It's also possible, although not very likely, that the comic book is correct and I just don't know anything about cars. I know my Volkswagen wouldn't run the heater without the engine running! I think!

That story is called "The Bear" and it's either just two pages long or it'll continue throughout the book as the story that takes place in the present, "Wheelons," alternates with "The Bear." I bet they both have similar thematic elements too! I bet!

I don't know what a Wheelon is but apparently it is Deathstork and The Red Lion, the man who hired Deathstork to kill his enemies. Or something. Deathstork is actually after a man under the protection of The Red Lion. So Slade had to do a job to help Matthew get something he wanted before he betrayed a man who trusted him by allowing Deathstork access to him. There are some other political things going on as well just to show that Slade Wilson's "jobs" don't happen in a vacuum. He may be in it for the money but everybody else is just trying to not destabilize their own little pieces of the world.

Back in the past, Slade kills a mother bear to save Grant and continues to berate him. Then he goes off to kill the bear's cubs because, as he says to his lover Wintergreen, "It'd be cruel to leave them without a mother." Well it's a good thing Adeline is still alive! Otherwise Slade would have to waste a couple more bullets.

Wintergreen has arrived to take Slade to a mission to Qurac. It's probably the mission where he gets his super powers and his white hair and loses an eye. Or else he loses the eye in the normal way later when Adeline is all, "What the fuck did you say to Grant? KAPOW!" She doesn't actually say KAPOW! That's what her gun says.

The man Deathstork has been paid to kill is the Clock King. Not the one that was in Harley Quinn with Power Girl. Or the one that was in Green Arrow. This is the Rebirth one! The one who seems to be sick and exists on a seven-second delay so that he can't be shot in the face. Since Clock King arrogantly thinks Slade can't kill him, he decides to philosophize about time while Deathstork prepares a grenade. Maybe he can just cover Clock King in flames with a flamethrower for longer than seven seconds! Wouldn't that catch up to him?

Clock King does manage to give Deathstork some information that makes Slade rethink his need to fulfill every contract. Because sometimes contracts conflict with each other and if he takes the right contract at the right time, maybe he doesn't have to kill Clock King who is dying of terminal terminalness anyway!

Clock King mentions a name--Kenilworth--and Deathstork decides maybe he should make one of those new contracts now.

Jazaki is The Red Lion and, I guess, he has somebody Deathstork loves. As if Deathstork could ever love anybody! Seriously! Don't let him love people! He's a monster!

The rest of the story is about Deathstork rushing in to save the person he supposedly loves. And since it doesn't wind up being Grant or Joseph or Rose or Adeline, I could be just fine with it. But since it does wind up being Wintergreen, I'm absolutely ecstatic! Deathstork loves Wintergreen! Deathstork loves Wintergreen!

So gay!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4

Whenever this comic book gets to the top of the stack, I seem to take a day off.

The Review!
I hate the phrases "meh" and "it is what it is" because they're used to say, "I don't even think enough of whatever is happening to put any coherent thought into thinking about it." But, well, here's my review of Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys #4: "It is what...no! I can't do it! I can't even do it as a joke! God help me I can't do it!"

The Commentary!
The issue begins with Hannah Borgman battling a Chuck Norris Waiter in Sy Borgman's hotel room. I don't remember if that's where the last issue left off or not. The only thing I remember about the last issue was that Tieri used "whomever" when he should have used "whoever" and Bolly Quinn's parents serve mint chocolate chip ice cream at their Indian restaurant. That's my fault though because I haven't been paying this comic book the respect it would deserve if all comic books deserved respect which they don't and this is one of them. It's not bad in the way Grifter was bad back when Grifter was somehow thought of as a publishable comic book. It might even be entertaining to somebody just wanting to sit down and relax after a hard day of human trafficking or gun running. But to a discerning, intelligent person like I pretend to be, it's just not up to my high standards. Technically, no DC Comics book is up to my high standards. But I figure if I were reviewing Heavy Metal, I'd basically be running a porn site.

Oh, my standards aren't high because they're pretentiously academic! They're high because they insist on some lesbian action! And not any old lesbian action! I need the male gaze kind of lesbian action where you can imagine the two women having sex have to keep stopping and asking, "Am I doing this right? Is this where my tongue is supposed to go?" Oh yeah! That's some hot stuff!

Harley Quinn and her Gang of Harleys probably should be that kind of comic book. I mean, it is being written by two white males who I'm also fairly certain are heterosexual since Jimmy is married to Amanda and Frank Tieri once wrote a script where one character tried to humiliate another by putting gay porn in his backpack. And you don't write that scene unless you're a jerk heterosexual or a self-hating homosexual. So, well, you know. Maybe I'm wrong about Frank.

That wasn't meant to be read as me trying to humiliate Frank for being gay! That was just me admitting that I might possibly be wrong in one of my assumptions. And me admitting I might be wrong happens far less than me actually being wrong! So, you know, enjoy the moment!

The Chuck Norris Waiter battling Hannah says, "You've got heart, kid. I'll give you that. Shame I gotta cut it out now." Too bad this isn't the original script because I bet it would have Frank Tieri's semen all over it as he knocked out a congratulatory wank for thinking up such a cool action line. But even better, Hannah gets to say a line about the real shame that takes about ten seconds which goes along with her kicking a suitcase into the feet of Chuck Norris Waiter which takes about half a second. Now that's the real shame! How comic book dialogue never works with the timing of the action. Also, nobody ever seems to be out of breath after a fight even though they jabber incessantly through the entire thing.

Hannah gets sliced open in the fight and Chuck Norris Waiter gets knocked off the balcony. He'll probably be back because everybody knows people falling off of hotel balconies wind up landing in the pool. And Hannah will almost certainly be okay because the violence in Harley Quinn comic books is cartoon violence. The only people who die are the ones who never mattered anyway or whose deaths simply serve to move the plot along swiftly and in the right direction.

The scene changes to Harley Quinn waking up on a deserted island that's also a dick gag.

See? The testicles are the cocoNUTS! This comic book has the most sophisticated penis humor.

Harley Quinn decides to make some Jaws references because Frank Tieri is writing this book and he loves movie references! He can't get enough of them! I guess if you can't write the character you're supposed to be writing, you might as well just write the kinds of things you want to talk about. Although I wouldn't put it past Harley to be obsessed with Jaws. I accidentally typed Jawas at first and of course the internet is full of Jawas movie posters parodying the Jaws poster. That'll do, Internet. That'll do.

Harley discovers she's actually in a simulation chamber run by Harley Sinn and not on an island at all. Harley Sinn is able to change Harley's world and outfit on a whim. She'll probably end this scene by saying, "Ain't I a stinker?"

Also, Harley really is on a deserted island! I mean, it's deserted by everybody but Harley Sinn who has made it into her evil headquarters. Her Castle Harleyskull has a volcano and robot sharks and corpses on spikes and the simulation chamber. She's either so rich that she can pursue anything she wants (which is to have Harley Quinn as a friend, apparently) or she took out a loan from The Ninth Circle. Now she needs Harley on her team so they can go on a crime spree to pay back the interest on The Ninth Circle loan. Or she'll get lucky and Green Arrow will destroy The Ninth Circle and nobody will have to pay back their loans and all the villains will suddenly find they're debt gone leaving them no reason to continue to be criminals. Green Arrow might just save the world!

The Gang of Harleys track down Harley Sinn's father, Dick Brand, who is a rich guy that totally isn't a caricature of some actual rich guy. So that's where Harley Sinn gets all of her money. Dick Brand decides to help the Gang of Harleys because he's tired of throwing money at his daughter to make her go away. So he draws them a map to her secret island headquarters and they're off to save Harley Quinn. Although there are still two issues left so it won't be quick and easy. Darn it.

The Gang of Harleys encounter some typical evil mastermind traps and evade them. They even encounter explosives shaped like Eggy but nobody even makes an eggsplosive joke! Was I supposed to just assume that was the joke? Stupid subtlety! Eventually they encounter robot versions of Poison Ivy, Catwoman, and Power Girl. So they're probably going to be defeated by robots. Good thing Harley is escaping on her own.

Bloodlines #5

This will make a great blog entry.

The Review!
Bloodlines is a comic book about a bunch of kids who were dealt an amazing hand but realized they were playing Pai gow and they didn't know how to set up their hands so they were all, "This sucks! I'm a loser!" Then they sat their pouting at the table thinking they were going to lose all of their money while everybody else at the table really was going to lose their money but didn't make a big deal out of it. Then this old guy was all, "Can't make a silk purse out of sow's ear!" as he set his losing hand down. Luckily he looked over and was all, "Hey, kids! You guys have great hands! Let me fix them up for you! You're sure to win now!" Although that part won't happen until Issue #6. Right now the kids still think they've been dealt shitty hands and are being dramatic in that way that only teenagers can be dramatic. You know the way if you're not a teenager! If you are a teenager, I'm just kidding. You guys aren't dramatic at all! Ha ha! Just kidding!

For a comic book about characters that nobody gives a shit about because they've just been created, it's not too bad. It's not going to make anybody care about a second Bloodlines series but it'll be a surprisingly okay read when somebody in the future buys them all out of a quarter box for a buck fifty.

The Commentary!
This issue begins with all the members of the up and coming Bloodlines Gang sitting around a garage not saying anything. The script probably read, "Page One: Whatever. Who cares? Fuck everything." If it didn't, don't steal that idea! I'm copymarking that right now! Then on Page Two everybody will be happy because the weight of feeling judged has been lifted from their shoulders. Then on Page Three, I'll have to introduce a character who totally cares about stuff like crazy because the movie will need conflict. That character will be the bad guy because they'll make everybody super unhappy by pointing out how they shouldn't be doing or saying things that hurt other people's feelings. But the people are all, "What the fuck? Who cares?! Everything is groovy!" And then the bad guy will explain why their feelings should be hurt by what the other people are doing and discord will be sewn and everything will go to Hell and fuck me. I just wrote the Garden of Eden story. Stupid Bible. It copymarked my story before I could even finish it!

The Bloodlines Gang are inside Stu's garage which inexplicably has the name of the garage on the inside window of the door. I guess that's so the employees don't forget where they work.

It also says "Stu's" right on the inside window of the door! Can't you read?

The way Haley is dressed reminds me that I saw a woman in her underwear as I walked by her house last night. It was the second floor window and there's usually a dog's head lolling out the window as if the people inside are just desperately filling it with farts. While the Non-Certified Spouse and I were walking by on the other side of the street, I checked to see if the dog was there and he was! I pointed it out to the Non-Certified Spouse, she glanced at it, acknowledged, "Yes, that's a dog," and then continued talking. I kept looking at the dog and a woman walked by in a short white shirt and black panties. From that point on, I don't remember anything the Non-Certified Spouse said.

Duncan the Urban Hunter begins to tell the Bloodlines Gang the story about how he killed his wife and son. He's all, "They got sick and I was all, 'Ugh! I have to take care of them both! Stupid wife getting sick at the same time as the kid! I'm calling my divorce lawyer!' But then I had a better idea! I would pretend they died and turned into zombies and I had to shoot their brains out! Worked like a charm! Except the part where the police were all, 'Wow! You saved us from a real outbreak! But I bet there are more of them out there. You'd better go kill more zombies or we're going to get suspicious!' So I had to go out and start killing more people and pretending they were zombies! And you kids are next!"

Eddie talks Duncan out of killing them by offering to be killed. I'm still trying to figure out how that one worked. Maybe I'll try it at the bar later. I'll go up to a potential sex encounter and say, "I totally don't want you sitting on my face as soon as possible." And if it works like Eddie's trick just worked, I'll be drowning in crotch sweat! Or it might just work how it usually works where the woman makes a face like she just saw the inside of an overturned outhouse and strangles out a noise like she's choking on a jellyfish. People do know they can just say no politely, right?! Gross, inappropriate perverts have feelings too!

I bet she's whispering something poetic like "My tender rose is red, your huge cock is blue, put it inside me right now, asshole." So romantic!

I wonder where Dana and Haley get their clothing? The fabric is strange! It shows every single contour of their body right down to the belly button and stomach muscles but it doesn't show a hint of a nipple! I'd love to find out where those clothes come from and burn the fucking place to the ground! I miss clothing that shows nipples! What happened to America?! Trump is right! It isn't great at all! I remember in the seventies when they couldn't figure out how to make shirts that didn't show nipples! What a time to be alive! Too bad I was like six or something.

The Bloodlines Gang discover the entire town has been turned into brainless...oh wait! That's how they usually are. But they don't usually march in the street and bitchslap the people they know like they're doing now! Luckily Duncan the Urban Hunter doesn't decide to begin killing them all because he quickly decides they're under a spell. I don't know how he tells the difference between Bloodline Zombie and Person He Probably Shouldn't Kill. Maybe he just doesn't have enough ammunition to shoot up a whole town.

Oh! A metaphor about religion happened to them! They're not braindead! They're brainwashed!

The first time I heard somebody say "God helps those who help themselves," I became an atheist because why the fuck do I need God then? What an asshole! He should help those who can't help themselves! What is he? An Ayn Randian?! Fucking dick!

Actually, I never believed in god. Nobody ever told me I was supposed to! Also, nobody told me I wasn't supposed to. Nobody butted in at all and here's a little secret: if nobody teaches you to believe in god, you won't believe in god. Why should you?! The natural state of being is atheism. Everything else is propaganda!

Blake tells the Bloodlines Gang not to hurt anybody when they start attacking. I don't know how they're supposed to do that. Blake himself makes things blow up. How does he use that to not hurt somebody? And Haley turns into a hot knife that I would love to see buttered. And Eddie turns into a Marvel lawsuit. And Dana uses electricity which I think is harmful to people. Sometimes it's just exhilarating though. Also, I think Dana is going to hurt some people because I saw the cover.

This is the panel after Blake says not to hurt anybody! What dum-dums!

Preacher-lite takes out the Bloodline Gang with his giant green bubble attack and disappears with his flock. But Eddie thinks he knows where he's taking them: To the crater at the edge of town! That's where the big final fight will take place. It's also where a bunch of Bloodlines Parasites will probably try to inseminate more Earthly victims.

The Bloodlines Gang enter the crater and find a cave leading to the Bloodlines Parasite Queen infecting all of the new people Preacher-lite brought her. Also in her presence are more Bloodlines Superheroes who have succumbed to the parasite. And one of those is Blake! No! Not Gunfire! NOT GUNFIRE! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

That's the big cliffhanger ending, by the way!

Teen Titans #22

Finally! They're where they belong!

The Review!
The Teen Titans are slowly becoming a team that works together instead of a junior high school drama full of sex and bickering who sometimes stop having sex and stop bickering to battle one of their parents. Why wasn't Tony Bedard allowed to write the Teen Titans from the beginning? And why couldn't he keep the job for Rebirth? Maybe because I want something different from this team than other fans want? Do people really just want to read about the Titan's swapping partners and feeling heartbroken and love sick while never actually being heroic ever? I wouldn't mind that if the Teen Titans took place in a school for gifted children and they didn't constantly portray themselves as a team of heroes helping to save other young people from trouble. Because then I wouldn't care if they weren't fighting crime? I would totally be into Cassie having lesbian sex dreams about her English teacher. Or Bunker and Garfield starting a band called the Zit Remedy. Or Raven having a baby and wearing her hair gelled up all spikey! Or Tim Drake getting locked in the utility closet and being called a Broomhead, whatever that means! I would love that version of the Teen Titans!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Red Robin missing. It turns out he was arrested by the Belle Reve Somewhat International (I think?) Police Force! They have jurisdiction over wherever the hell Amanda Waller wants them to. Basically that means if Batman is busy, Amanda can sneak a mission while he's not looking. So her jurisdiction is any place that is currently behind Batman.

The Titans are desperate to find Red Robin because he's the smartest super kid on the planet. Or at least as smart as all the other super kids who are also the smartest. In fact, I think Beast Boy and Bunker are the only teen superheroes who are of average intelligence or below! One of them is definitely below average. I'm not going to say which one because I'd rather have two fandoms arguing against each other than Garfield's fandom sending me hate messages. Um, I mean, uh, whoops!

Hey! Thanks for the confirmation, Gar!

Power Girl's big suggestion was that they turn themselves in because they've broken multiple laws and are huge narcissistic assholes to boot. Cassie thinks maybe Batman will help them because she apparently isn't bright either. Even Garfield knew that was a bad idea and he's dumber than Booster Gold!

Tim is currently in an interview with Amanda Waller. I bet Amanda doesn't want this comic book to end because she's still super skinny. Although she'll probably lose some weight when Jim Lee tries to draw her. I really doubt his ability to draw a person who isn't all muscle.

Apparently Amanda Waller wants the Teen Titans to work for the Suicide Squad. But why would they? They're currently free! They have no reason to work for Amanda! And they won't have any reason until they've been arrested and tried in a court of law and found guilty of being Superboy's friend! Amanda doesn't have to wait for teammates. She has a whole prison of villains who have already been apprehended. And why would she mess with one of Batman's ex-sidekicks? That's just asking for Batman to turn around and fuck up her jurisdiction.

Don't bother looking up those issues of Teen Titans in the editor's note. They're terrible. Just know Amanda is right. At least in Red Robin's case. Not all of the current Teen Titans helped Superboy escape from the law.

Amanda sets off Tim's distress beacon and the Teen Titans, being a bunch of dumb amateurs (except for Power Girl who is a genius amateur), head to Belle Reve to try to break him out of prison. I hope they get their asses beat by the Suicide Squad! I mean, they don't have to win this fight. They just have to prove to Amanda that they aren't the bad guys. They really do mean well and they want to help but they followed some bad advice from their leader. That's probably why he quits and goes back to Bat-school.

Power Girl knows that the defenses at Belle Reve are a bunch of weapons that can only be used against one specific target each. So an anti-magic cannon and an anti-speed crossbow and an anti-flight butterfly net. So she decides that the Titans can confuse the defenders by pretending to be each other! Power Girl pretends to be Raven and she's hit by the anti-magic cannon which does nothing to her! That's when she grows really big and says, "Ha ha, bitches! Wrong weapon!" I guess whoever had the anti-Giganta lawn dart was too stupid to throw it once he saw her growing. I mean, I think if I were in charge of the anti-Giganta lawn dart, I'm fairly certain I'd know exactly when to throw it. But the guy at Belle Reve hesitates and gets stomped by Power Girl. The worst part about this scene is that Red Robin begins gloating. He's all, "You have lots of defenses but what have you got against smarter-than-you? BURN!" Amanda really should have slapped his face at that point.

Waller's guards all get their asses kicked because they're just guards! They're nobodies! Nobody expects them to save the day! I think it's time to call in the Suicide Squad! Or will that only happen on the final page? I was hoping this would be the final issue but it feels like they may be dragging things out for the dramatic Suicide Squad final page reveal.

The Titans do that thing where they endanger everybody but then save everybody from the sudden danger! It's like their Hallmark Card! But it's the perfect card to play because the guards are all, "Fuck you, Amanda! Dese kids is sweet and shit!" And Amanda says something about pesky kids and kicks them all out of her prison. So at least they proved they're good guys to the guards at Belle Reve. Now the Teen Titans just have to prove they're not criminals to the other 99.9998% of the world! Maybe they'll accomplish that next issue.

Doctor Fate #14

Doctor Fate and Doctor Failure, amirite?!

The Review or Whatever!
If you're on the internet and I've ever said something that seemed to disagree with you when, in my own mind, I was just adding to the conversation but in your crazy cuckoo whacko mind, you thought I was gaslighting you, I just want to say I wasn't doing that at all.

The interesting thing about that previous sentence is that it actually began quite earnestly! I really meant to say something like, "I'm sorry if my enthusiasm for discourse led you to believe that I was being an overbearing dick and demanding that my opinions were the correct ones." I know I've done it before, and I'll do it again, even when I try not to. In my head, my response reads as an extension of somebody's thoughts and ideas and my take on them. But I realize after the fact that what it actually sounds like I'm doing is refuting the person's statement and shitting all over their brain babies. Then I think, "Oh shit. Should I apologize? I didn't mean it like that?! I'm a total dick, aren't I? I meant to just express my thing without making their thing seem stupid and trivial and pointless!" Then I don't apologize because I'm a coward. But I'd like to apologize to distractedbyshinyobjects because I feel like I did that when she brought up some stuff about Batman, Incorporated way back when. And I'd like to apologize to jenstansfield for piggybacking on her Harley and Joker post with my swinging dick of ideas. I can't apologize to them in private message because Tumblr is stupid and wants me to start a chat window which I totally won't do because remember the coward thing? Also maybe I don't need to apologize? Oh, who am I kidding! I also need to apologize to Scott Lobdell, Marcus To, Sterling Gates, Ann Nocenti, Rob Liefeld, Tom DeFalco, Howard Mackie, and my mother. Also, just so you know, mom, you can get at the end of that line!

I probably should just stop giving opinions on the Internet. It's like if a dinosaur learned to write and then could send their letters through time and found a method of delivering it to everybody's brain and then jerked off all over itself after expressing itself orally. That's almost exactly what it's like except for the time travel part! Although I am, technically, traveling through time! Just at the same rate as just about everybody else who isn't in a plane or on the International Space Station.

I just watched a documentary on PBS called Chuck Norris vs. Communism and it made me cry, just in case you weren't sure I had a capacity for emotion. The only problem is that the whole Irina Nistor "voice of the dystopia" was so cliché as to be unbelievable. I highly doubt this really happened!

This issue has two stories. The first story is about how Khalid figures out that magic in the DC Universe has no rules. That's a good thing because if there are rules, how is it magic? I think that makes sense. If it doesn't, just keep your mouth shut. I'm sensitive! During this adventure, Khalid can barely remember the name of Lewis Carroll or his sequel to Alice in Wonderland but he can quote Humpty Dumpty exactly. I'm not buying it! If he liked even just that one quote by Humpty Dumpty enough to memorize it, he'd have enjoyed a lot more of what Humpty Dumpty had to say. And he certainly wouldn't be unsure about the name of the book or its author! I was buying this whole story about magical worlds and dead people possessing helmets until that Lewis Carroll bit slapped me in the face and said, "This story is unbelievable, right?!"

Okay, I'm about to say something not very romantic, so you might want to cover your eyes for this next bit or it'll blow the whole image you probably have of me. "What are you doing with her, Khalid?! There's a horny neighbor down the hall who will let you play doctor, as well as lonely businessman, desperate junkie, and naive babysitter!

Speaking of the adult woman who knows what she wants whom I think Khalid should pursue, Akila is at the same memorial service as Khalid and Shaya! What does the Koran have to say about three ways?

The memorial service is protested by a bunch of racists, so Khalid feels this is a good Doctor Fate teaching moment. He decides racists are probably stupid and fearful (which is how they became racists, probably) so he conjures up a bunch of ghosts to make them all shit themselves. He may have had some other plan as well, to maybe make the racists think about something for once, but making them shit themselves works just as well. Too bad Akila doesn't know Khalid is Doctor Fate! If she did, she'd probably wind up...you know what? I'm not going to write the image that my brain came up with when I visualized how overpoweringly horny this would have made her, seeing as how she's already pretty poweringly horny. Mmmm. Boy, it's a good image though. I might have to use that one later.

Khalid and his family head home after services and Khalid's dad is all, "Racist stuff!" And Khalid and his family laugh and laugh as the scene ends!

You know what? I didn't hate this issue as much as I've hated some of the other issues! Which reminds me, I should probably apologize to Paul Levitz too. I don't have to apologize to Sonny Liew though because I bought his book, The Art of Charlie Chan Hock Chye. Giving cash is better atonement than saying words I don't mean! I mean, I totally meant every word I said! Except that thing about not believing that Chuck Norris vs Communism didn't really happen.

Deathstroke #20

Slade has had so many last stands I've lost count. But then I can only count up to six anyway.

The Review!
I realized something years ago but I'm just now giving it voice through typed words: I don't want people on Tumblr reading my comic book commentaries! They constantly misunderstand everything and get way too involved in their stupid feelings for fictional characters! Although it is entertaining when somebody who writes about Superboy sucking a different character's cock every day gets angry at me for using the Superboy Tag incorrectly! And I'll never forget the Deathstork fan who went apoplectic when I pointed out Deathstork is a rapey amoral dick who really doesn't love his children as much as he wants people to think he loves them. Seriously? How many other loving parents do you know who have killed their children? I mean ones you know personally and haven't seen on Dateline! Sometimes people think I'm actually mad at them when I respond to something they've said because I find hyperbolic anger funny. I can't blame them for thinking that though! That would be a total dick move by me and I'm not a dick. I'm an asshole. It's a subtle difference! This isn't much of a review of Deathstork, is it? Well, I haven't even read it yet! But I'm willing to predict how the comic book will be: terrible! It hasn't been good since Liefeld was writing it! And it wasn't good then either! But it was fun to write about Liefeld's art! He was so terrible at it! And I'm not just saying that to be one of the cool people who think it's cool to make fun of Rob Liefeld because they're cool. I'm saying it because Liefeld's art is objectively bad. Maybe it's just that he's always fucking too lazy to draw well and maybe he can draw well when he wants to prove a point. But usually he doesn't and I think that means always that he can't. He once drew Slade with no left leg because he was copying the art from an old Teen Titans comic book and forgot to copy the lower half of a soldier's leg after a branch blocked part of it!

Anyway, who's up for a return of Deathstork's War Journal?!

The Commentary!
This issue begins on Danger Island, an aptly named island full of danger and also surrounded by water! So descriptive and apt! It's where the Dead Bastards live and Slade really wants to kill them. So he's visiting and killing them as he visits. He's also decided to write about it in his War Journal.

Slade usually makes a big deal about his reputation and how he always completes a job and about how his word is his bond and how he only kills for money. But today is opposite day because Slade is breaking his oath to Ra's while also killing everybody on Danger Island for free and it's the weekend so he's not on the clock at all. But all of this takes place seventeen hours after the comic book really begins, so the part where Deathstork scribbles into his War Journal, "The devil can kiss my ass," won't actually happen for awhile. Maybe when the story loops back around to that bit, I'll draw a stick figure rimming out the devil stick figure while jerking himself off. Since stick figures are mostly sticks, you probably won't be able to tell what's happening except for the fact that I just told you what will be happening. Now when you see it, you'll probably throw up.

Slade is angry at Ra's al Ghul because Ra's thinks they made one oral contract and Slade thinks they made another. Ra's doesn't care because he has a League of Lawyer Assassins to take on the case if it goes to "court". Slade seems angry because he wants people to think he loves his children and is trying to keep them safe but he really only loves for people to think he loves his children. For some reason. I don't know why he's so obsessed with those brats anyway. Why aren't they off in DC's version of Degrassi High making teenage fans cream their underwear over their relationship exploits? They're getting in the way of really good murder and mayhem in this thing!

Rose needs to suck Ra's's cock once per day or she'll die. I guess Jericho is hanging around hoping to catch whatever Rose has so he can suck Ra's's cock every day too. Slade isn't happy about it because even though he loves his children (supposedly!), he doesn't think they should be allowed to make decisions of their own, especially if they differ from his decisions.

How does that eye patch even stay on? Staples? And can women poop out of the front? Just asking for no reason.

Slade decides to give his children a parental talk even though he has an erection.

I think it was the blood flowing through their veins line that got Slade horny.

It's nice to see characters who can't imagine anything better for themselves than the same old bullshit their parents have struggled with. It's making me second guess my decision to forge my own life rather than accept that my drunk father's drunk blood flows through my veins! Why wasn't it futile for me to oppose my drunk nature?! I'm a failure!

I hope Slade is old again in his Rebirth comic book! Maybe I'll read that next because I just can't wait to see the scene where he finds he's grown old again and checks his balls.

Ra's tells his new minions that it's time to go to war because they have a bigger war that they really need to get to after this war. So chop chop, everybody! Literally! Also bang bang!

Back on Danger Island, the brains of the Dead Bastards discuss their plans for defending their island against Mystasia's intuition of a coming attack.

According to the map on the wall, their headquarters is a 3rd Grade classroom.

Victor is a really smart leader because after they all suggest how to defend the island and they all shoot down everybody else's suggestions, Victor comes up with the best plan: kill Deathstroke first! Hey, Victor? I think that was the goal of all the other plans that were more plans than just, "I don't know. I guess we kill him good?"

Some of you might be confused about what's going on in this story so I'll try to clear things up a bit. You see, Deathstork made enemies with Lawman because Lawman was dead on a battlefield and Slade left his corpse there to rot instead of dying trying to save the corpse. But Lawman wasn't totally a corpse and was healed. But he didn't think, "Thankfully Slade left me on the battlefield where I was found and resurrected by people with the technology to make me a super person rather than dragging me along with him where I surely would have bled out in some hidey-hole as he tried to survive!" No, he thought, "Fucking Slade! What a dick checking my pulse wrong! I mean, I might have been dead with no pulse but he should have thought of something! No I will forget all of my dreams and desires for my own success and hunt Slade down until he is a big dead dum-dum!" Victor was Slade's partner who wanted Slade to make the Dead Bastards even more famous and rich. But then Lawman was all, "I'll make you more famous and rich if you literally stab Slade in the back!" So Victor did! And they all rejoiced! Except Slade got away! And now Slade wants to kill them because they want to kill him because he once went about living his own life. It all makes so much sense that I can't understand how anybody wouldn't think this was the best book ever written.

"It's his semen!"

Deathstork's plane is shot down on the beach but Jericho uses his body possessing powers to make a shield around them. The rest of the planes land away from the crashed plane and Lawman, watching on the monitor, is all, "Well, those guys in that plane are dead! Better just ignore it now and turn our attention to the other planes. No way we'll be taken for fools!" Then Slade is all, "Let's go take Lawman and Victor and Mystasia and Snakebite as if they were fools!" Rose is all, "Great idea dad!", as she wipes semen from her lips.

Deathstork's plan is to cut off the head of the snake to kill the body. Is that a direct quote from The Art of War? Probably! The only other book it could be from is The Prince. Not The Little Prince, you jerk! That would make that book so different I might actually like it! I mean, who doesn't like The Little Prince?! It teaches so little by doing so much! I mean the opposite of that! I think. Whatever, everybody likes that book so I should probably just point out that it's been a favorite of mine since whenever it first came out. Like 2008 or something?

The League of Assassins must have sent their Monkey Assassin Squad to Danger Island because they get destroyed by three opponents. Not like the battle on the beach matters anyway. The real battle is the one where Slade will kill Victor and then Ra's will kill Slade. Then Ra's will forget to check Slade's pulse and he'll walk away and then Slade will be all, "Jericho? Jericho? Did you save me?" And Jericho will be all, "Yes, father. Although I don't know why. You don't even know that my name is Joseph!"

Instead of killing Victor immediately, Slade threatens Victor long enough for Victor to push a button and drop through a trapdoor and escape into the jungles of Danger Island. I guess Deathstork's reflexes aren't what they used to be. Or this story needed to be extended a few more pages with a chase scene. Or Bonny was just, "Fuck it! Why did I have Deathstork go somewhere totally far away from the people readers really want to see him fight? I guess after Victor gets away, I'll just have them teleport back to the beach where they could have been anyway if their plane hadn't have crashed so they could sneak off to fail to kill Victor and wind up right back at the fight agains Mystasia, Lawman, and Snakebite!" So, as you may have surmised, after Victor flees, Deathstork, Jericho, Rose, and Ra's somehow appear on the beach and join in the big battle.

After all the trouble Slade had in previous issues, this time he simply stabs Mystasia in one panel, de-stings Snakebite in another, shoots Lawman in the chest in one more, and cuts off Victor's hand. Why couldn't he have been this effective five issues ago?

Ra's stops the fight to point out that this was just a big job interview and they all have jobs if they want them! If they don't, they will be killed. I've had worse job interviews. But just as Victor is going to accept the terms, Deathstork kills him which pisses of Ra's for some reason. Who cares about Victor Ruiz as a member of the League? Does Ra's need that many new people to suck his dick on a daily basis? Was Victor the greatest dicksucker in all the world?

Before Ra's can kill Deathstork in Deathstork's own book (which would be so humiliating), Jericho uses his powers--which I'm starting to suspect are more than just the ability to possess people--to force Ra's to stop fighting. He then reveals that he knows Ra's lied about Rose's life being saved by daily doses of Ra's's semen and that he got them to swear allegiance under false pretenses. What?! How dare he! He's practically a villain now in my book. Ra's decides to let Deathstork's family go because who needs rebellious assholes in your army. It's what killed the United States' draft!

And with the end of Deathstork's long road, he finally realizes that his story is a worse story when his kids are involved. And then through sheer force of will, he grows old again so that Rebirth can start where this book should never have stopped starting. Or something.

Harley Quinn #1

I would like to think this cover means Harley is going to be more crazy-scary and less crazy-goofy-scatapulty.

The Review!
I read a lot of comic books that I know don't have any reason for existing except so that fans of the characters can give DC Comics their money and then complain that DC is writing them wrong. I know that I'm really not getting anything out of them since I'm generally not a fan of the character, and the amount I enjoy the experience is proportional to the amount I found ways to make writing about it fun. Harley Quinn isn't one of those comic books because it just seems to be the same comic book every month. Amanda and Jimmy figured out their template and they beat it into Harley fans' brains month after month. It's like eating a familiar sugar-free candy sitting in a bowl in front of me. I know what I'm going to get when I reach out for another one--a bland, uninteresting, semi-sweet taste that's gone from my memory as quickly as it's gone from my tongue--but I grab one after the other out of habit and boredom. Maybe I should take up painting instead of reading Harley Quinn comic books?

The Commentary!
I guess I misinterpreted the cover! I guess Harley chopping off somebody's hands and using them to pose for a picture is crazy-goofy-scatapulty because the issue begins by definitely sticking to the New 52 Harley recipe: lots of half-naked women and near lesbian action! It ends as if Rebirth never happened and then has the audacity to call this issue "Afterbirth" as if I haven't been calling Rebirth books that since before Rebirth even started. Probably before The New 52 even started! I can't find any proof of that but I'm sure it's out there. Just take my word for it. And if you don't, just give me some time to edit an old commentary with a bit about me calling the Post New 52 universe the Afterbirth Universe. That should convince you dumb dumbs.

Harley and Poison Ivy have gone to a spa and possibly the Bahamas just like they planned on doing at the end of Harley Quinn #30. It gives them a chance to show a lot of side-boob! They even hang out with a woman whose fuzzy pink towel somehow shows the contours of her belly button. It might even go up her vagina but there's some steam blocking her secret garden so I can't be totally sure. Except that I'm totally sure anyway. It's way up there!

Once again, Harley doesn't wind up with Poison Ivy in every crevice. This comic book is the biggest tease in the world.

After getting the nearly nude scene out of the way immediately, along with the almost sex with Poison Ivy (two staple ingredients of this book), Harley rushes right into a barrage of naughty innuendo.

Is there anything more to say about this issue? This pretty much covers the experience!

Just in case somebody picking up this comic book didn't know anything about Harley Quinn, this first issue reads a lot like if it were a Rebirth #1 issue. I don't know why Harley didn't get one of those. Maybe she accidentally had sex with Poison Ivy in it and DC had to scrap it because they hate their fans.

Apparently there is a new character named Jimm Salabim, a genie who lost his magic, who appeared in Harley Quinn Loot Crate Special which I totally don't have and will never have because Loot Crates are fucking garbage. Oh, sure! Getting presents is a lot of fun! For exactly the minute it takes to root through your new crate of crap to discover all of the secret treasures. And then you just have a big box of crap to clutter up your life. But the cool stuff makes you unique and quirky, I guess! Or at least as unique and quirky as everybody else willing to pay a monthly subscription to have somebody else tell them what they should like. Fuck you, Harley Quinn Loot Crate Special! I will never read you! Ever!

Unless you come with some candy and a surprise paranormal toy!

While Harley tells Deadfool that he's never going to put his hammer in her toolbox, the Scooby Gang are attacked by zombies. I don't know. Do you think hammer in her tool box was the way to go? Should I maybe have mentioned a drill or a screwdriver? Why is a ratchet ho called that? Is it because a ratchet fucks dozens of sockets?

The zombies are a bunch of New Yorkers who ate hot dogs made out of an alien cow. It's this whole story within a story thing that had a lot of disgusting imagery like a guy stroking off a dog and a man sucking on a horse's wiener and some nearly naked people deep throating some shlongsages. It almost made me ashamed of my own body and how many times I've put my penis in a bun and slathered it with hot mustard and relish.

And that's the final ingredient for a typical Harley Quinn comic book! The Holee Wordarollee!

Tooldude winds up getting bitten in the arm by one of the zombie people and Harley decides to cut his arm off so that he doesn't turn into a zombie too. So this is sort of like what happened to Hacken in Hitman. A probably unnecessary amputation for kicks and giggles. Tooldude whines a bit about his arm and Harley decides maybe she jumped the gun a bit. So she decides to send him and his arm to the hospital via the scatapult. I guess if I hadn't realized this entire thing was crazy goofy up until this point, the fact that the scatapult made an appearance would have clinched it.

Deadfool gets launched toward the hospital but he passes out in midair. So he'll probably plummet to his death next issue. Which is a good thing because there are way too many characters for this comic book. Although Redtool and Harley Quinn have yet to appear in their own six issue mini-series, so I imagine he'll live.