Secret Six #14

This looks like the greatest barbecue ever. But why does Scandal have such a tiny hand? Oh wait. Maybe I'm not supposed to mention her tiny hand. Oh man. Now I feel awkward and uncomfortable.

The Review or Whatever!
I like to fantasize that people are constantly asking me, "Tess? What makes you a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader? And could I give you ten dollars?" I usually joke that all it takes to be a Grand Master Comic Book Reader is the audacity to call yourself one. But isn't there also some rule that by spending ten thousand hours on something making, you suddenly become a super duper expert on it? Because I'm fairly certain I've spent that much time reading comic books (including staring at the pictures and reading letters pages, so I hope that counts). But I also have physical proof that I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! I've only sent one letter to a comic book in the thirty-plus years I've been reading comic books and that book was The Walking Dead. My letter was printed in Issue #8 (so if you have a few hundred bucks and want to verify this, you can!) and went like this:

Just wanted to drop a quick note to let you know I really enjoy your little zombie rag. The pacing is terrific, characterizations are intriguing and the art is just nifty. I hope the book continues for quite awhile. You've got my support. Thanks for the great read!
Jeff

Kirkman responded that he hoped to go at least 75 issues. Well, he's more than doubled that and turned his little zombie rag into a million dollar franchise! And I saw the potential because I'm a Grandmaster Comic Book Reader! Although I stopped supporting him after that issue and never picked up Issue #9. I feel a little bad about that. I think maybe I felt betrayed that they printed my letter that called the art nifty in an issue with Charlie Adlard art! I meant Tony Moore's art was nifty, you jerko! But I did keep picking the series up in trades, so I guess that counts too.

On a related note, does anybody want to buy The Walking Dead #1-8 for like fifty thousand dollars. Is that the going price yet? If not, I'll just hold onto them.

This issue is called "Everyone Says Goodbye, Sometimes" which I'm going to declare makes no sense at all, even if Gail Simone thought it up. Although I just touted my Grand Master Comic Book Reader credentials, so maybe I shouldn't admit to being too stupid to understand something. Um, I totally get it! People say goodbye! All of them! But they don't do it constantly! Just sometimes! Duh!

*gasp* Gail! Don't you know the trend is to have female characters get super angry at being told to smile now?! Although Alice is smashing people while smiling. So it's kind of the same thing. I think.

Lady Shiva is a bit disappointed that Black Alice is destroying one of the League of Assassins Corporate Headquarters. That means Strix probably has changed her mind about joining the League which means Shiva just lost her replacement which would let her leave the League. Too bad Gail isn't more proficient in the television show Arrow or she'd know that sometimes people can leave the League in other ways. Although I'm not a Grand Master Television Show watcher, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm especially not a Grand Master Television Watcher of bad television shows and Arrow is a terrible show. And it's not terrible for the reasons lots of fans think it's terrible! It was awful long before Laurel was killed. It was even awful long before they made the huge mistake of romantically entangling Felicity and Oliver. The writing is just terrible and the only way they can think to create drama is to have one character barely tell a lie and then another character discovers the lie and hates the other character forever and always. Plus Oliver has had sex with every single female character on the show except his sister. And I'm not even sure about his sister.

As the Secret Six and Friends storm the building, Elongated Man begins thinking about the Secret Six as his new adopted family. That's gross. Since when do families have weird sex on your couch? Oh wait. Am I allowed to be grossed out by the thought of incest? Am I supposed to be sensitive to Incestsexuals? Dammit! It's so hard being a consequence-free jerk in this day and age!

Even though the Secret Six are mounting a rescue mission, it's still up to Strix to win her own battle against Shiva. I don't think Gail Simone will kill Strix even if I thought Strix would lose a battle against Shiva. But I am a little bit worried about Shawna. Ferdie might be dealing with a broken heart by the end of this. You'll be able to tell he has a broken heart because he won't be able to come up with any sexual innuendos about Shawna being stiff.

Uh-oh. Now I'm really worried about her!

Shawna finishes her thought on the next page with "--that maybe some of us don't want to be saved?" I didn't expect a traitor in the midst but this is good. Shawna has mostly been taking a back seat to Ferdie throughout this run. This is the Shawna from Batgirl that creeped me the fuck out way back when. She's not silly and whimsical and able to feel anything that would allow her to fit in. That part of her was in Ferdie. Shawna herself though was, in short, a monster. So it's good to see she's still my girl.

I know there have been moments in this series that have made people feel feelings before this. Like with how Strix was coping with family or how Alice was bonding with Ralph or how Ralph and Sue were having their difficulties. I guess this moment between Shawna and Ferdie is the part that touches my cold black heart because I can't bear what happens next: they break up. It's devastating.

I just can't bear to see Shawna cutting off the part of her that has allowed herself to be loved. Ferdie may have been her weapon at times but he's also been her way of connecting. And for whatever reason, she's backsliding into the Shawna who doesn't believe she deserves love and happiness. This hurts my heart.

Catman isn't dead because he wasn't curious or something. He and the others interrupt Shiva and Strix's fight which probably saves Shiva's life. They explain to her that the fight is over and they'll be going now or else Black Alice will do some of that magic stuff that can't be defended against unless you're John Constantine. And that's the end of the League of Assassins story! There's still more suburban epilogue but I haven't read that yet! This story ended a bit quickly because Rebirth was rebirthing all over the place and it was time to shut a bunch of the DC Youniverse down. Although for some reason the Teen Titans still get to exist for a few more months. Ugh!

The epilogue is four months later and Strix has decided to never kill again and live in a treehouse with a bunch of gnomes. The rest of the Secret Six remain with the Dibnys having barbecues and enjoying the suburbs. I guess all that is well and good and a happy ending. But my heart is still breaking.

Saddest ending ever.

The New Titans #83 (February 1992)

Here’s the thing about declaring “the most shocking last page in Titans history” right on the cover. It makes the last page not exciting because it’s obviously going to be Slade killing Joseph. And I don’t say that simply because Slade spoiled the shocking ending in his own monthly comic, or because I’ve read this comic before. I say it because this is the way of the entertainment world. They’d rather spoil the story for regular consumers of the media for the possible bump in sales figures or eyeballs by drawing in new consumers with their hyperbolic claims. This happens on televsion shows all the time. Commercials claim the must see last five minutes of a show and regular viewers easily guess what’s going to happen because they’re familiar with the story and where it’s going. I’d much rather be actually shocked by the ending of a show or comic book. You’d have to be a huge dolt to not guess the ending of a book or movie that’s hyped as having the biggest twist ending or espousing some shocking revelation. It’s why The Sixth Sense was so good and every other M. Night Shyamalan movie sucked. It’s why I completely ruined the experience when my ex-girlfriend desperately needed me to watch Hitchcock’s Rebecca and, knowing Hitchcock, I wouldn’t stop guessing at the upcoming twist. I don’t remember if I guessed it because I don’t remember the movie at all because, as I just said earlier, I totally ruined it with my constant guessing.

In summary, this comic book would have been better if everybody involved had just kept their stupid mouths shut.

The New Titans #82 (January 1992)

I guess the secret was kind of revealed. Although it was this exact same secret as revealed on the cover and never really elaborated on. Apparently the actual identity of the original Wildebeest leader doesn’t matter and never really did. It was just a bunch of criminals each with their own agenda leasing the Wildebeest costume for their own ends. Or near enough to that, anyway. Joseph Wilson just took over the organization for his own nefarious purposes because they had the technology to transfer minds into new bodies and to grow new bodies out of giant thumbs.

Joseph Wilson being the enemy is just another day in the life of the Titans battling a loved one. And apparently Joseph turning evil is the exact same thing since he was taken over by the souls of Azarath who are Raven’s people.

Meanwhile, the future Teen Titans are hunting the Titans in the past because the Titans, loving tradition, have another family member threatening to destroy the world in the future: Donna’s son, Lord Chaos.

No wonder the Titans are so desperate to think of each other as family. They’ve all learned that actual family fucking sucks.

The New Titans #81 (December 1991)

This issue exists for no reason. None. Nothing happens. Well, mostly nothing happens. Terry Long cries like a fucking pusshole for most of it. What an asshole.

Superman Rebirth #1

I guess Preboot Superman left his underwear in another Earth.

The Review!
This issue exists as the period on New 52 Superman's death. It's a big, heavy period that is meant to finalize his death and reassure everybody that he is not going to come back in some surprise twist like last time. Don't even think New 52 Superman is coming back because he isn't! He's totally dead! Completely dead. Dead dead dead dead. Super dead. Not even Flash can ruin time by bringing him back to life dead. Well, okay, maybe that one can still happen in a few years when DC fucks up this whole surprise twist where the Watchmen installed a glory hole into the DC Universe and fucked it raw. I get that DC wants everybody to know for certain that New 52 Superman is gone and the universe is definitely changing but I don't know if this DC Press Release was really worth paying $2.99 for. Aren't they usually free?! I mean free in that I don't have to pay for them. I don't mean free in getting the release without Comic Book Resources spraying their jizzy opinions all over whatever DC says. That's a kind of free I generally avoid.

The Commentary!
Now can we learn the name of Superman and Lois's cat? I'm getting really fucking upset about the lack of cat details in this comic book!

The issue begins with Preboot Superman thinking, "'All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.' I live and breathe that quote with all my heart. I bet you did, too." My reaction was to scoff at first and think, "Great! You expect me to lift a finger to stop evil? Get out of here!" Then when he said, "I bet you did, too," I got super annoyed and yelled at a fictional character before I realized he's addressing Dead Superman. Speaking of stopping evil, I would actually prefer that good men do nothing because most men who believe they're good are fucking holier-than-thou assholes. I'm throwing my lot in with the evil people.

Preboot Superman is currently visiting Dead Superman's grave and he suspects that Dead Superman is actually Regaining Power While In A Krypton Healing Coma Superman. I don't think it works the same way on this Earth as it worked on the old Earth that existed back in 1992. Who needs New 52 Superman coming back to life when we've got plenty of other choices now? New 52 Superman was a dick.

Preboot Superman finds Lana Lang robbing Superman's crypt because he wanted his body...er, I mean, his pile of dust buried next to his parents in Smallville Cemetary [sic]. But Preboot Superman is all, "Hold on there, little lady! Give the man some time to return to life the way I did after Doomsday punched me to death in the most improbable death ever. Sure, he punched me a lot of times which is probably why I died. But he punched Booster Gold once too! Why didn't his head fly off?! Even with his stupid lousy forcefield? In case you didn't know, being from this different Earthand all, Doomsday was a monster who wore biker shorts. Oh, I know what you're saying. Anybody who wears biker shorts is a monster! You might be right, miss."

Apparently Preboot Superman was also visiting Superman's grave to steal his pile of dust. This comic is kind of morbid! They break into Supergirl's Fortress of Solitude and discover New 52 Superman never possessed the Kryptonian artifacts needed to bring him back to life. That's probably because he didn't have as many adventures as Preboot Superman had. Plus most of his adventures were with Toymaster and Lana Lang. He really should have gotten out more.

That wasn't meant to be as kinky as it sounds, was it?

Oh, that's basically it! Good bye!

The New Titans #80 (November 1991)

Look at me with another Collector’s Issue! What a smart investment!

More of that bullshit where people from the future are sent into the past to change the past so that the future never happens. I’d rather a writer just confessed that they didn’t have any good ideas rather than pulling this fucking bullshit.

I mean, this is super exciting time travel stuff! The Teen Titans have been sent back in time to kill Donna Troy before she can give birth to Lord Chaos who will age into a twenty-eight year old despot as soon as he’s born and take over the world! They really don’t want to kill Donna but they can’t think of any other way to defeat Lord Chaos. Don’t they know about abortions in 2001? Oh, um, that was the future when this was published in 1991!

Green Lanterns Rebirth #1

The pseudo-monocle makes Jessica feel classy.

The Review!
The new Green Lanterns book is going to be all about teamwork! But not good teamwork! Oh no! This is more like your homophobic uncle in a three legged race with your campy brother-in-law! It's going to be full of fireworks between the good guys! That's the kind of exciting drama that really sells comic books. Who wants to read about heroes getting along? Fuck that nonsense! Imagine heroes striving for a peaceful world while actually being kind and peaceful to their peers? Ludicrous! Although since Simon and Jessica are, presumably, heterosexual and of opposite sexes, there might actually be a Moonlighting vibe being set up in this book. Will they or won't they? Ooh! I'm all in a quiver from the tense hate-love soon to be bred between these too! Nothing more romantic than a good hate-fuck! I hope they have racist sex talk while fucking! "Bomb my vagina, you terrorist!" "Tend to my garden, you...wait. You are Portuguese, right?"

The Commentary!
I was just thinking, "Earth doesn't have enough of a disproportionate amount of Green Lanterns in the universe!" So thank goodness for this book! I suppose Earth deserves more Green Lanterns than other planets because the creatures of other planets tend to be homogenized. Earth has people of different sexes and religions and cultures and races and intelligence levels and fashion senses and sexualities! It's as if every other planet in the DC Universe has been modeled incorrectly! Why is Earth so different?! Occasionally you'll have a planet elsewhere in the DC Universe that has two warring factions but that's about it. Or if the planet has many different types of humanoids, it's usually because they're all off-planet visitors and most of them are thugs and/or assassins. But while making Lobo a Green Lantern pretty much represents Czarnia (I mean, the females were practically just like the males anyway, if I'm going to judge by Sheba (who only made one brief appearance in the New 52 but it was enough for me to judge her as simply the female Lobo!)), Earth can have a white jock Lantern and a white dick Lantern and a black architect (who is also a marine!) Lantern and a white comic book artist lantern and a Muslim gun-toting Lantern and a Hispanic female Lantern, and Earth still needs more representation in its Lanterns! Fucking Earth. What a pain in the ass. I won't be happy until there's an Australian Aboriginal Lantern. Who better to manipulate the Light Energy than a master of the Dreamtime?

This issue begins with a Red Lantern cataloging the different human Lanterns like I just did! I should have just read the first page before starting my commentary because then I could have simply replaced that first paragraph with a scan! My guess is the Red Lantern narrating the book is Bleez because I think I read in some advertisement or back-up feature that Bleez was going to cause trouble in the Green Lanterns' world. I would rather it be Dex-Starr since Dex is also from Earth. Dex deserves to be in this book as much as any other Earth Lantern!

Currently, one of the last remaining Guardians--probably one of the Bohemian ones since Sinestro killed the mainstream ones--is being chased through space by a bunch of Dominators. He carries a box with a new ring inside of it! I wonder what color this one will be. Will it be the fabled Magenta Ring of my imagination?! The one destined to be worn by a tween girl into ponies and roleplaying?! Oh! Maps should get to wear it! I don't know if she's into ponies but I can let that part of the prophecy go if Maps suddenly wore the most powerful weapon in all of creation, the Magenta Ring!

The Guardian is headed to Earth with his new ring that, according to its display of power, has a whole new symbol! Probably the Magenta symbol. Hopefully the secret will be revealed before this comic book ends. I have my doubts because Geoff Johns is the co-writer. So it might take anywhere from five to ten years to discover what this is all about. Then again, Johns isn't writing the regular Green Lanterns book, so he might want to make sure the secret gets revealed this issue so he can take credit for how amazing it is.

Jessica Cruz and Simon Baz have yet to meet but since they're the main characters of this comic book, it's time to change that.

Has Simon even spent enough time around Guy to feel this way about him? He's been relegated to the background's background since the day after he first made his debut.

I think Simon Baz suffered from the Comic Book News Cycle. That's when everybody explodes in a flurry of opinions over the report of what a comic book will be up to in three months only to have the actual event greeted by silence and yawns. So DC announced they were going to have a Muslim Green Lantern months before he appeared, everybody had their little insignificant Internet reactions, and then months later he appeared and everybody had already moved on to the next thing they could accuse DC of mismanaging.

The crashed ship the Green Lanterns are investigating houses a Manhunter! Oh no! Did you know that no man escapes the Manhunters?! I hope Jessica Cruz doesn't use that tired fucking thing where she'll be all, "But I'm no man!" As if we don't all understand what the Manhunter means by the all-encompassing term of "man". Stop winning major battles due to semantics, women!

Of course the Manhunter attacks! Why do you think it's called a Manhunter? I mean, I guess Martian Manhunter has the same name and he doesn't go around attacking men (and women!) willy nilly.

Why does that deserve a warning? The Green Lanterns get power boosts from Blue Lanterns all the time and everything is hunky-dory!

Hal Jordan appears to deactivate the Manhunter after it sort of beats Baz and Cruz. Hal sent it as a surprise training operation. What a dick! Also, I guess Hal is a Green Lantern again and not a renegade. I'm sure I'll eventually read the book that straightened that out. Maybe the end of Oblivion? Or whichever Rebirth book is about Hal Jordan. Or maybe I just have to accept it as part of the new normal.

Hal Jordan doesn't like how Simon and Jessica bicker. I don't either! How dare Simon judge Guy Gardner and then act exactly like him, demanding seniority and declaring himself the main Green Lantern of Earth! Hal Jordan merges their Power Batteries so that they have to recharge their rings together. I don't know if that's just asking for future trouble or it's super kinky.

Being rookies, Simon and Jessica need training. But since the Corps is still missing and Sinestro is still causing problems for Hal, the two new Lanterns will need some help from the Justice League.

How come Wonder Woman has to be turned away from the reader's gaze? Oh wait! I know why! Because Ed Benes is drawing this and he saw a good ass opportunity!

The Narrator is Atrocitus who has plans for Earth, something called Red Dawn. There's always some stupid prophecy with a stupid name ready to rear its ugly head in the world of the Green Lanterns, especially when Geoff Johns is writing. Dex-Starr makes a cameo at the end but the Guardian's secret new ring of power is never unveiled. Of course it isn't! Don't expect to know what that's about for at least another year!