Talon #3

Since he's in New York, there's an 85% chance Talon ends up fighting The Teen Titans.

I don't really think Talon will end up fighting the Teen Titans because there's no mention of the Teen Titans on the cover. And DC wouldn't pass up a chance to sell more comic books by announcing Red Robin or Kid Flash was going to guest star. And since Scott Snyder would probably have to make sure he keeps continuity, he'd have to have a meeting with Scott Lobdell. That's probably reason enough not to have them in the comic book.

I asked Lord Google if he had any information on Scott Lobdell and Scott Snyder interacting with each other and he had an article where Lobdell praises the hell out of Scott Snyder. But that wasn't the part I found fascinating. I found a few quotes from Lobdell himself that pretty much explain why his writing is so shitty.

Scott Lobdell: "Because I am one of those writers who writes plot first and then scripts only after the page arrives...."

And...

Huffpo: "So do you have long term plans for the book?"
Scott Lobdell: "I don't work that way. Just like I could not have imagined a year ago that I'd be writing the world's most famous super hero... I like the stories of the characters to mirror the same sense of spontaneity and unpredictability that define us in 'real life.'"
Scott Lobdell: "Just imagine how boring it would be if you sat down and told me exactly how your life was going to play out every month for the next 12 months -- who you were going to meet, what you were going to say, how they were going to act, what super powers you were going to use to defeat them? Then imagine the likelihood that your life would play out exactly the way you predicted it would over the course of the next twelve months."

This is why Scott Lobdell's stories suck. I speculated that he just starts over from month to month with each script and I was correct. He has no plans for the characters! But it's even worse than that! He doesn't script the comic until the art is done based off of his plots? No wonder his comics are filled with Narration Boxes to explain everything. Because Narration Boxes basically work to regurgitate his plot synopsis he handed to the writers.

I'm agog at his excuse for not planning out stories though. He's writing so that he can be surprised by the story every month! You can plan a fucking story out, you stupid asshole, and the readers will still be surprised twelve months later even if you had the whole thing planned from the beginning! His defense is so fucking illogical. He's not spontaneous; he's just fucking lazy.

Sorry, Talon. I didn't mean to get off track but once I start in on Scott Lobdell, it's kind of hard to pull myself away.

First off, are there really people out there who AREN'T tired of the Court of Owls? People desperate for just a little bit more history? I think Calvin Rose might be an interesting character once he's finished off the Court. But I don't see that ever happening in the life of this comic book.

Calvin Rose has come to New York to make sure Casey and Sarah are safe. So he's sent her a message to meet him on the Brooklyn Bridge. You know, to make sure she's safe. It's not as if meeting up with her after he's pissed off the Court of Owls is at all dangerous. Maybe he should just leave her alone? I don't know. It's a thought. Anway, Casey is smart enough not to meet him. Instead he meets up with Joey and his girlfriend.

I don't know who Joey is but since he's starting a fight with Talon, he's probably a friend.

While Calvin is strung up, the woman checks him out and discovers his Talon costume underneath. She mentions they were warned that a Talon might interfere. So they're friends! Casey must have hired some super powered bodyguards. I hope they're old enemies of the Preboot Teen Titans. They just seem to have that vibe. Plus they're in New York. Calvin ends up unconscious from a dart to the neck and wakes up in the hands of some thugs.

I guess if you go with a snake theme, you're automatically associated with Basilisk. Unless you're working for Medusa! Or maybe Kobra!

These are Casey's people and she eventually shows her face. The reason why the snake guy worked for Basilisk is because he used to work for Basilisk! I mean, he's here now because Casey runs an organization that houses people on the run from horrible organizations! I guess that makes them all safer, right? Safety in numbers? But doesn't that also mean that every evil organization in the DC Universe is constantly attacking them? I suppose they're super underground and nobody knows about them. Although when has "secret" or "covert" or "underground" ever meant anything to anybody in the DCnU? My guess is they'll be attacked by the Atlanteans later.

I hope they don't have anyone from N.O.W.H.E.R.E. because who needs Harvest sticking his vampire face in this comic book too.

Speaking of Harvest, it's been a few commentaries since I've mentioned how he's Future Vampire Tim Drake from the Future!

Rose and Clark are kind of forced into accepting Casey's help with their attack on more of the Court of Owl's finances. It's probably a good idea because Calvin Rose can only get lucky surviving against the undead Talons so many times before I declare this comic book unrealistic! My limits aren't infinite! A secret organization running Gotham for four hundred or more years? Believable! Resurrecting their assassins because they've fed them a life long mixture of Resurrection Juice through the fillings in their teeth? Sure, why not?! Once they're brought back to life they're practically immortal unless their brains are frozen, cracked into a million pieces, and then the pieces are scattered across the world? Totes believable. Some jack-ass escapapediest going around defeating these immortal killing machines with only the help of an old man nagging him in his earpiece? No way! That's fucking crossing the line. Reality check!

My dad and I were watching Aliens one night many, many years ago with my step-mother coming in and out of the room watching bits and pieces of it. When Forklift Mecha Ripley begins fighting the mother alien at the end, my step-mother just said, "If she survives, this movie is unrealistic." I guess suspension of disbelief is like a well that just eventually empties if the the fiction goes back to it too many times. "An alien parasite? Why not? One woman survives? Sure. A whole army squad fighting an army of aliens? Crazy but I'm in! The aliens are wiped out but the egg laying mother is left to fight the mother fucking bad ass Ripley? Sure but if Ripley lives, I'm done."

Although this whole Talon business is really straining my credulity!

The resurrection process is so effective that they can speak rationally and hold down jobs. I wonder if they can marry and have children? Is rekilling one of these guys murder?

The whole heist goes off without a hitch. Mostly. Mostly goes off without a hitch. Fake hold up and fake police distract the Talon downstairs. Calvin Rose gets in upstairs in disguise where Joey meets him (from a ceiling vent or something. Who cares how he got in!) with Rose's Talon costume. Talon hacks the computers and the Court of Owls' accounts are nearly drained when that thing takes place that makes it a "mostly works" kind of plan.

Calvin Rose meet The Gotham Butcher!

Talon #3 Rating: No change. A comic book with a shallow premise like this one has to be careful when introducing new characters and new ideas into the comic book. Casey's organization makes for a much more interesting comic book idea, I think. I'm pretty sure they'll become an integral part of this title though so that's definitely a positive side to this thing. Calvin Rose's Talon has the backing of an organization that lets him continue his work once the Court of Owls have been defeated. He can infiltrate N.O.W.H.E.R.E. and The League of Assassins and The Black Razors and Task Force X and Checkmate and A.R.G.U.S. and A.M.M.O. and S.H.A.D.E. and Stormwatch! Maybe he can go around discovering the secret identities of all of the super heroes and causing trouble that way. Maybe that's what Constantine's New 52 comic book is going to be about seeing as how he's collecting so much material on the Super Heroes over in his little House of Mystery office.

I, Vampire #15

Oh no no no! What happened to Andrea Sorrentino? How dare Lemire steal him over to Green Arrow! What about my Tig's face? WHAT ABOUT MY TIG'S FACE!?

Tig still looks cute humping this guy's shoulder on the front cover but who wouldn't look cute humping some guy's shoulder? And the cover was by March so she kind of looks like Selina Kyle. I'm surprised Andrew Bennett's boobs aren't bigger. I guess it's a good thing if Tig isn't drawn as cute as Sorrentino draws her because then I can go on with my life and stop pining over a fictional vampire character. Also, Tig? What's with the band-aids? Accident prone or lazy-ass haute couture?

Last issue, Ex-Bloody Mary, Ex-Professor John, and Deborah Dancer (Andrew's ex!) were on a quest to save Andrew from his evil self. As his evil self, Andrew doesn't realize he wants to be saved. But once he's saved, his good self will say, "Thank you for saving me!" But if his current self is the evil self and he doesn't want to be saved, doesn't that take precedence? It doesn't matter to me though. Once Andrew Bennett is saved, Tig will take over as leader of the evil army and do a much better job of enslaving the world.

Tig, Andrew, and their new mage decide to assault the castle of the Van Helsings. While doing so, the mage casts a spell in Old Portugese [sic] that says, "This is Runespeak, see?" Oh! I guess I can begin calling it Runespeak then since I was tired of calling it Old Portugese [sic] and having to explain how I wasn't the one misspelling Portuguese! So they begin fighting and I just have to say, I'm not feeling that special something toward Tig. I'm sorry I'm so shallow, Tig, but something has changed between us.

I'm just not drawn to you anymore. That's a pun!

It's not like my love for Tig was based on her personality or her charitable works or her skill with a crossbow. She's changed her look and now I've lost interest. I guess I'll probably be developing a crush on Green Arrow come issue #17!

The greatest army of vampires in the world and across all of history cannot stand up to one Vampire Lord, one Vampire Mage, one Vampire Sweetie-pie, and one Vampire Dog. If only they'd learned the spell "Zilwan," this fight would have been over in seconds. That's a Sir Tech's Wizardry joke! Look, if I have to explain my jokes, you're just not living enough! Sure, some might say they're not really jokes at all if they need a lengthy explanation appended to them. But I like to go the "blame others first" route.

Eventually Andrew encounters the boss of this level: the original leader of the Van Helsings who was ripped apart by Andrew twelve times already. Now he's been put back together and it looks like they might have added some extra parts because he's a giant.

They probably didn't know exactly which pieces were his in the big Utah Van Helsing Massacre, so they just shoved as much flesh as possible together to form this brute.

The brute might also be a hypocrite since what is he if not some kind of Hellspawn at this point? I don't think Heaven is exactly partial to necromancy.

Meanwhile the goody-goodies are gallivanting about England looking for the place where Andrew Bennett was turned into a vampire. Luckily for them, Andrew Bennett came from a noble family and they had a plaque erected directly on the site of his terrible carriage accident which was really just an everyday vampire attack. Maybe not "everyday" since the vampire doing the attacking was The First Vampire, Cain. Also luckily (unless this is more "preparedly"), Professor John knows enough magic to raise the ghosts of any who died on this spot. He manages to raise the ghost of Andrew's carriage driver.

The carriage driver calls Mary a whore and then screams "Unclean!" until he dissipates. They decide they're on the right track and head into Bennett's Woods. That sounds like a pretty promising place to find Andrew's place of death! What they find is something altogether unexpected. Or maybe not so unexpected. But he is supposed to be dead!

What's this world coming to when you can't trust a comic book death?

There are far too many Cains in the New 52. And by far too many, I mean one. But there's the hint of the other one since the House of Mystery is flying around. And there's the possibility that The Unknown Soldier is always an incarnation of Cain within a human body, sharing memories and experiences. So even though only one of those actually exists outside of my mind, it's too many.

Meanwhile back in Castle Van Helsing, the evil trio have fled from the Giant Undead Captain Van Helsing and found their way to the library. Here they find a book that isn't the Necronomicon and use it to teleport to the place Andrew was looking for.

Obviously the book has a vagina*.

I, Vampire #15 Rating: No change. I'm severely disappointed that Andrea Sorrentino has left this title to draw Green Arrow. I would hope that this was just a guest artist but I have a feeling that the quality of Sorrentino's art means he can only do one issue per month. It feels like he's going to be wasted on Green Arrow but what do I know? Jeff Lemire actually has some pretty grim plans for Green Arrow, from what little I've read. And Green Arrow does need all the help it can get. Maybe I should be happy for the title but I just lost my Sorrentino drawn Tig, so I'm going to go off and mourn for a bit.

*FWASH is the sound effect made popular by Supergirl's vagina when it explodes.

Batman: The Dark Knight #15

So it was these guys playing Giant Rooftop Chess in Catwoman #13!

I did a quick consultation with Lord Google to make sure that it was Catwoman #13 that featured the game of Rooftop Chess and for once he was more than helpful!

Me: "Lord Google: Catwoman #13."
Lord Google: "Well, right mate, you could be a little more specific. I mean, what do you want to know about it? Raya Sandoval? Ann Nocenti? Rooftop Chess Game? Featured as a Death of the Family tie-in but was a waste of money for anybody reading it for that reason?"
Me: "Thanks, Lord Google! That's all I neeed!"
Lord Google: "Are you sure? You don't need to know anything else? What about the fact that Community Season Four begins airing on February 7th?!"
Me: "Oh! That's good news! Thanks, Lord Google, for actually supplying me with information I didn't know I was looking for but was! You're an evil, information-stealing, megagenius and you deserve to rule the world eventually!"
Lord Google: "Pip pip! Jolly ho! Nice of you to say so! I'll see you in hell!"

This issue begins with Batman in bed recuperating and watching television when he hears the news that The Scarecrow is fucking shit up in Gotham Square, blimp style! This looks like a job for Batman!

Are you fucking kidding me?! You could have prevented all of this shit from going down if you'd just worn that the first time you knew you were raiding The Scarecrow's hideout! Somebody has a secret desire to huff fear toxin.

At this point (and I'm sure I've said this at many, many points previous to this time saying it), I don't understand why anybody lives in Gotham City. How does anybody get anything done from day to day? Batman might eventually beat the bad guy but a whole lot of people are continuously dying and getting maimed before that happens. So far this Reboot, we've had Terminus scarring everyone to look like Batman, The Saturn Club turned a bunch of people into cannibalistic zombies (and I know this ended up being a Death of the Family tie-in but I'm fairly certain the Saturn Club will be back without the Joker when editorial gets off Tomasi's ass about crossovers), The Talons dropped explosive balloons all over the city, The Joker used dust spread by Kid Flash to turn more people into crazed Joker Thugs, children were stolen and people attacked by Urban Legends and mythological creatures, and now The Scarecrow is gassing everyone and turning them into raving lunatics. And I'm sure I've forgotten some in this synopsis! Every second of every day, a citizen of Gotham has to worry about being mugged, shot, set on fire, turned into a cannibal, turned into a crazy person, turned into one of Joker's thugs, having their children stolen, having their property damaged by Batgirl, Nightwing, Batman, Robin, Batwoman, or Red Hood, and so many other crazy, random happenstances. At least they don't have to worry about Jason Blood and Tommy Monaghan anymore!

Batman hits the front lines but can't do much. The people he needs to protect are the people violently attacking him and each other and themselves. He needs an antidote!

The toxin is made of Scarecrow pee and children's tears. So the antidote is probably old man tears and Batman pee! Hurry, someone make Alfred cry and Batman can pee on his face!

Batman realizes the same thing I've just realized: he's the secret to the antidote! He rushes off to meet with Alfred in Lucius Fox's laboratory to begin work on the cure. While he's waiting, Alfred begins reading Chris Ware's Building Stories to get the water works going.

DC is making it so easy to continue my fantasy that the Scarecrow has been pissing in children's faces throughout this entire story line! I mean, that's what's actually been happening!

Since there isn't enough sadness in the world to make Alfred shed even one tear, Batman pisses directly into the aerosol diffuser. He intends to douse everyone in Gotham Square in Batpiss! I guess they're already crying from their fear, so that should mix with the bat pee mist which will create enough of an airborne antidote to counteract the airborne toxin! Batman is a super genius! He's found a way to save Gotham via a Golden Shower!

Batman is severely dehydrated from his earlier encounter with The Scarecrow, so he uses his blood instead of his pee. Or maybe that's how it was supposed to work all along. He flies about Gotham spraying his blood all over the citizens until he's about to pass out. He has Damian take over remotely because he knows Damian won't stop until the job is complete. And pretty soon, the job is complete!

And The Batman is dead!

Alfred manages to have enough tea on hand to save Batman's life but just barely. And he's not at all happy that Bruce nearly killed himself. Hopefully Bruce joking about nearly dying and Alfred's subsequent tea throwing response wasn't the last conversation they had before The Joker kidnapped Alfred. But I have a feeling it might have been.

Afterward, Batman tracks down The Scarecrow with the help of the little girl from earlier. The Scarecrow sees the little girl in Gordon's car and gives up without a fight. Or maybe he just passed out from the loss of blood since he never got that hole stitched up after Batman blew off half of his jaw with the Batgrapple.

After everything is said and done, Bruce goes to watch Natalya play her concert. They go home together so he can look like a fairly good guy before he dumps her ass for the next hot woman with a major career who comes along. See, he only goes for women who have invested a lot of time in becoming the top of their field. That way he can dump them while they think the relationship just wasn't working because they and Bruce are just both too busy with their respective careers! Also he probably pees on them a little bit and they get freaked out.

Next issue: The Mad Hatter!

Batman: The Dark Knight #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. This comic has come a long way since its first Scarecrow story. Wow that thing was horrendous. But now it's delivered the Scarecrow story that it probably should have begun with. I wonder if there will be another Scarecrow story after the Mad Hatter story?

The Savage Hawkman #15

DC, get your fucking act together. These guys aren't fighting each other in this comic book since they already fought each other in Hawkman #14 and Deathstroke #14. And it was the same fight!

I'm not surprised The Savage Hawkman is currently the worst New 52 comic book I'm reading when they still have Rob Liefeld's name on the cover. I think DC knows that this comic book is a complete fucking mess and they're still angry with the way things went down with Rob Liefeld, so they're leaving his name on the cover and leaving the story as confusing and horrible as possible. In other words, DC hates its fans and cares more about making Rob Liefeld look bad than giving its customers quality comic books.

Let me try to sum up the Hawkman:Wanted story: Hawkman and his girlfriend Whatshername captured Shayera, Xerxes, and Pike after they tried to kidnap him and haul him back to Thanagar for the murder of Prince Corsar. Up until the moment Hawkman met Shayera, he just thought he was some human archaeologist that ended up fused with his Nth Metal costume that he tried to burn back in the first issue. Meeting Shayera explains how he got the Nth Metal but it doesn't explain why he forgot who he was or why he wanted to burn the suit in the first place.

Anyway, forget all of that crap because it doesn't matter. Even the part where Hawkman captured everyone doesn't matter. After capturing them, Hawkman lets Shayera, Pike, and Xerxes go at the end of the issue. At the beginning of the next issue, Hawkman is trying to find Shayera so that she'll explain his place in the universe. Why he didn't ask her before letting her go is beyond me. Perhaps the stress of the situation got to him and he panicked. Because now he's after Shayera and Shayera is after him and Xerxes is after him and Pike is after him and this comic is just a pile of bullshit. Can we get a class action fraud lawsuit against DC for selling this as "entertainment" and "a comic book"?

Since Hawkman continuity can't even be kept issue to issue, I'm not sure that this issue will begin with Hawkman and Deathstork Deathstroke about to battle Xerxes and Pike. I'm assuming it will begin like that. But I've already proved that I'm an ass, so nothing is guaranteed.

At least Xerxes is still attacking them although I don't see Pike anywhere!

One of my favorite things is when the writers of comic books comment on their own comics so I don't have to!

I don't envy any of the creative team working on this comic book right now. I'm pretty sure none of them care and they all feel like they're still just cleaning up after Rob Liefeld.

Yeah, you could say that. I also wouldn't rule out "Most Ridiculous" or "Most Ridiculousest" or "Mosterest Ridiculouseresterest."

It's Narration Boxes like this that illuminate the lie of DC caring about continuity at all.

How can DC claim to have any continuity at all when a comic book series like Hawkman exists? What about continuity does DC actually care about? What are the editors of DC's comic books looking for when they try to help keep continuity straight? How can Hawkman make this statement without the reader believing that somebody has brain damage, either Hawkman or the writers or the editors.

First off, Hawkman was being attacked continuously before he even knew he was Thanagarian. People were after him for the Nth Metal which he was researching to find out what it meant to him and why he was linked to it. He easily refers to the Thanagarians as "my people" even though he only recently discovered he was one of them and, of course, it wasn't a big shocking reveal at all. He just somehow got his memories back and he went, "Oh yeah! That's me! And I'm not a murderer!"

On the other hand, I guess I could put this together if I squinted hard enough. So maybe I should just go with it and stop complaining! Tony S. Daniel had hinted that Carter Hall was someone named Katar Hol in one shadowy panel where an alien recognizes him (if I'm remembering correctly!). And the Nth Metal fusing to him was a huge surprising mess so it would lead him, an archaeologist, to go about looking for answers to its origin. It's just from there it devolved into everybody somehow knowing about the Nth Metal and wanting it. Liefeld lost the way because it was easier to simply write villains attacking Hawkman. Just like he wrote Deathstork Deathstroke having villains simply attacking him. And Grifter was a bit different where Daemonites kept attacking him.

Okay, so how about that? I've come to terms with this comic book! DC Continuity is safe for now because I squinted just right and ignored ever so slightly and took slight liberties with my rationality and logic. And voila! The Savage Hawkman!

Well, Pike maybe. But Xerxes doesn't even care about that! Remember? He wants your Nth Metal!

At this point, Pike and Deathstroke and Xerxes and Hawkman and the Warhawks begin fighting. Xerxe's squad of soldiers that arrived with them? I don't know what they're doing. Pizza and beer in New York is my guess. "Hey guys! I'm hungry! You think the bosses have this one handled?"

And handled they do! Pike and Deathstroke have one of those epically legendary fights that only come around once every fifteen years in comic books.

If only Stan Lee could create this kind of brilliant characterization! Pure poetry on the level of E. E. Cummings.

You! Pike!
By Frank Tieri

Please, stop
making me laugh,
Bro.
You made me swallow
my gum.
And good gum is hard to
AARGH!

While these two monsters stab each other with their mean-spirited words, a Warhawk grabs Hawkman by the neck and nearly declares the battle won! Please, sir. You aren't even a named villain! Hawkman tears his wings off and follows it up with a much needed double-splash page that, God fucking help me, actually feels the way this comic book should feel. For one brief moment in time, I like what I see! Savage Hawkman is savage! Deathstroke is being an irreverent dick. And I might have had a mini-stroke because, fuck me, I laughed at this. I'm not going to over analyze why I laughed at it. I don't think I have the fortitude for that kind of soul searching. But I did laugh at it.

Don't you fucking judge me!

I personally would have left the conversation on this page simply at Deathstroke saying, "Hey Xerox! Catch!" instead of having Xerxes correct him and Deathstroke saying, "Like it matters." But then I'm usually a less is more kind of guy which you probably couldn't tell with my long-ass commentary posts!

Perhaps this double splash page is a kind of gateway drug! I've seen that I can enjoy this senseless, mindless pablum if I'm in exactly the right state of mind! I'm actually kind of excited to read the rest of this comic book now!

Well there goes that feeling.

I actually had to look up "bird beating" to see if it was a real thing. You know, like bear baiting and dog fighting. Turns out it isn't although it did lead me to laugh until I cried after reading this horrible article. No, no. It's not that I get off on animals being harmed. It was the last sentence of this last paragraph: "Djuric was accused of beating the bird, a Heermann’s Gull, with a stick after the bird and another gull allegedly went after his and his wife’s ice cream on the boardwalk. The bird was so badly injured it had to be euthanized at the Huntington Beach Wetlands and Wildlife Station. The other gull escaped to the ocean and could not be located."

During the battle, Hawkman has a life changing realization. Why has he been poring over research texts and digging in dirt and translating ancient languages when that never fulfilled him? He thinks to himself, "It's only in battle that I am myself. That I know who and what I truly am." And it only took him 15 issues to figure out why the "Savage" belongs in the title! Yay!

Next issue: Hawkman murders jay walker!

But I'm not done with this issue yet! Pike and Xerxes escape but they leave a trail of blood through the sky for Deathstroke to follow. Hawkman heads off to find Shayera. They decide to meet up later.
Hawkman doesn't know where to look for Shayera so he just goes back to the safe house where Emma is waiting for him. And that's where he finds Shayera! Your homicidal princess queen ex-girlfriend is always in the last place you look.

It's in this confrontation that I realize I made a mistake during my earlier reading. I mentioned that the Warhawks were fighting with Pike and Xerxes and Xerxes army had disappeared. The creatures I thought were Warhawks were actually Xerxes' soldiers! I just didn't realize that they had wings like the Warhawks. I was wondering why the Warhawks were suddenly so ugly when they were more cleaned up and military in Green Arrow. I noticed because Hawkman makes a big deal about Shayera running around with Xerxes' thugs. I'm pretty sure this change was made so Hawkman could be more savage. While he was fighting the Warhawks, he was concerned about them simply doing their military job. But Xerxes' ugly ass monster soldiers are pure evil (apparently) and thus can be killed indiscriminately.

Excuse me but the Czarnians are already dead. Thank you.

Since Xerxes is here collecting the bounty that probably means Deathstroke is right around the corner ready to save Hawkman's life! Because he followed the trail of blood!

Except Deathstroke doesn't interrupt the meeting at all. Perhaps he's on Pike's trail. Or perhaps he'll show up next issue for the last part of Hawkman:Wanted to help save the day. The person that interrupts Hawkman's capture is none other than Prince Corsar himself! Super duper surprise twist!

Except for, you know, the part about everybody knowing this was going to happen.

Well then. If Corsar is alive then Katar Hol is innocent and he is now free to go! Everybody break it up! Move along! Nothing more to see here!

After Deathstroke and Hawkman defeat Corsar and Shayera apologizes to Katar Hol (even though Katar still maimed him horribly in the accident instead of killing him in the accident), will the story become a love triangle between Hawkman, Hawkgirl, and Emma?

The Savage Hawkman #15 Rating: No change. I'm usually against writers coming on to a title and completely forgetting what's happened in previous issues and beginning the story from an entirely new place with a different theme and with the title character acting completely contrary to the way he or she's been acting up until then, but I think I'll let that slide on this title! Let's get a new writer on this thing to just start the mess over entirely. Perhaps this could all have been a dream he was dreaming while in a coma dealing with the Nth Metal fusing with his body after a hunter found him in the forest near death. I'm pretty sure that's what Ann Nocenti recommended to Rob Liefeld on this title. So I agree with Ann Nocenti! I think I did have a slight stroke earlier today.

Superman #15

Why is Lex Luthor in jail? Is this because he sided with Brainiac a few years ago?

Superman has been locked out of the Fortress of Solitude and he needs help getting back in before Krypto pisses on all the furniture. I naturally thought that he would seek help from The Batman because that's what everyone else in the DCnU would do. But Superman just has to be different! It looks like he's going to ask Lex Luthor a few questions. I guess if anybody else on the planet has already figured out a way into the Fortress of Solitude, it's this bald fucker.

I think we have a problem! How is the worst writer at DC going to accurately portray the smartest man in the DCnU?!

I think my favorite part of this nonsense is when Lex calculates he's one in 6,973,738,433. Way to go, stat man! We're all one in 6,973,738,433! How does that relate to anything going on here? I suppose he's trying to point out that he's better than nearly 7 billion other human beings. But Scott Lobdell isn't the smartest man on the planet, so he has trouble getting the message across.

Interestingly enough, Lex Luthor is so smart that he can build a tiny replica of the Fortress of Solitude out of wet toilet paper, crushed ice, congealed sperm on kleenex, and boogers. By building this replica, he can now concentrate on it to find ways to permeate it's tiny defenses which he's apparently built into here as well. Once again, I'm simply making a mockery of the story instead of thinking up ways that this makes sense. (Yet again) I suppose Lex Luthor has every detail of the actual Fortress of Solitude and its defenses committed to memory (how? Well, that's just a story that hasn't been told yet) and his little spunk sculpture just helps him to concentrate on the task at hand.

The title of this issue is "Because I'm a Scorpion" which means Superman is going to get Lex Luthor to help him and then Lex Luthor is going to turn on him. Maybe Luthor will even side with Supergirl and H'el.

Superman and Superboy have arrived at this prison built to house Lex Luthor alone. It's more secure than the place Lobo was being held! This Lex Luthor must be one scary dude. They even have a door for giants made out of some kind of electric ice radiation fire field that Superman and Superboy simply walk through to get inside.

Superman and Superboy have that chat that most of the characters in the DCnU have had with one another at some point in time in the past year. It's that one about how much they don't trust each other but they'll work together for now!

They also talk about Kryptonian butts. That's a pretty good topic of conversation! I should end each commentary of Superman with a shot of his butt just like I do with my Supergirl commentaries. I've been leaving the ladies (and other people into Superman's ass) out!

Lex Luthor's prison is like a Gamma World dungeon adventure. Superboy activates a bunch of traps which Superman "explains" as he breaks Superboy out of them. By explaining, I mean he puts a bunch of words together to make them sound like some kind of crazy futuristic scientific device, like an "automated meta adapting zeta-operating defense" or the "environmental parameter chaos-inducer." Superboy wants to know who would design such a stupid place.

At least these two are getting along. Hopefully they'll have a friendly relationship after this instead of some writer finding an excuse to make them punch each other in the face some more.

Superman, you are so naive. You can't fool Lex Luthor. If he designed a prison that he can't get out of, then you know he designed this prison so that he can get out of it whenever he wants! This place is like a vacation home for him! He's taken care of and he has all the time in the world to plan his evil schemes. When he finally wants to leave, he'll just waltz right the fuck out, you arrogant bastard. You thought you were playing to his vanity? He was playing to your vanity, you schmuck!

It wouldn't be a Scott Lobdell comic book if Lex Luthor didn't already know everything that's been happening and plenty more that even Superman doesn't know. Somehow Luthor's known about H'el long before H'el revealed himself. Superman doesn't even know how Luthor knows anything that's been going on in the outside world. But Superman still believes he has Luthor imprisoned? What an arrogant dope! Lex Luthor informs Superman that H'el can go back in time but it will be at the expense of everyone on Earth. Of course. If Krypton is saved, Superman never comes to Earth, Superman never stops the Multitude. Although if Superman is never on Earth, Mxyzptlk would never have charmed the King of the 5th Dimension and Vyndktvx would never have tried to kill Mxyzptlk and then...okay, I'm confusing myself! Let's just see what Luthor has to say about why everyone on Earth mus die for H'el's plan to succeed!

But first, Luthor needs to corrupt Superboy. Superman and Superboy were getting along nicely long enough.

Superman won't let Lex have a word alone with Superboy but Superboy engages Luthor anyway because he's a smarmy teenager that thinks he's always right. It's actually even worse than that! He's a smarmy infant in the body of a teenager that doesn't exactly have a handle on thinking or emotions or bodily functions. So the smartest guy on the planet has a few words with Superboy.

This is what happens when you have the worst writer writing the smartest man. You make him say "chose" when he meant to say "choose." I understand the "lose/loose" thing makes the "chose/choose" thing even more confusing! English is the jerkiest language in the omniverse!

After Lex puts Superboy in his place, he explains to Superman why the Earth is forfeit in H'el's plans to save Krypton. You see, H'el needs the infinite power source from Kandor (which he now has) to "fuel a ship through the chronal-nexus that exists both everywhere and nowhere all at once and not at all." But to protect his ship, he'll need the entire electromagnetic energy of our entire solar system which H'el will smash down into a tiny ball to power his chronal shields. Since that's where Luthor leaves off, it's up to Superman to imagine how H'el will then travel the 27 light years back to Krypton. I guess he'll just go back in time far enough so that he can still travel normally to Krypton and get there before it blows up. You know, since he's going back in time anyway.

Once Superman is done with Lex Luthor, having learned nothing that he apparently didn't already know, Superman and Superboy exit the prison to meet up with the real guy that can help them: The Batman! Wonder Woman, Cyborg, and The Flash are all there as well. I guess The Flash must be done with his monkey troubles but Aquaman must still be having fish-people troubles.

Okay, I admit! Scott Lobdell got a chuckle out of me with this.

The Justice League and Superboy rush off to figure out a way into the Fortress of Solitude and save the world. Again.

Superman #15 Rating: No change. The interactions between Superboy and Superman were good when they stayed away from the cliche issues that the superheroes always have with each other. I don't like that Lex Luthor has been jailed and scarred by Superman in the past. It's as if all the meat of their relationship has been played out in the past five years and we missed it all. They're already bitter rivals but we're not privy to any of the conflicts they've had with each other. It just feels like a cheap set up to get their relationship back to where it's been through most of the history of the DC Universe. Although I do like that Lex Luthor basically created his own vacation palace and Superman is too honest and overconfident to realize that he's being played by Lex.

I'm also tired of Lobdell's penchant for Flaccid Sci-fi terms and his use of the term "omniverse." Stop jerking off into my mouth, you asshole.

The only bad part about this comic book is that next month the cosmic entity known as Oracle is coming back. I was hoping that character would just be forgotten and left alone. If Lobdell has trouble writing the smartest man on Earth, how is he going to write a character that knows everything across all space and time? Probably poorly!

The Flash #15

I think this is a pun about how the feet are used to travel upon roads.

Last issue ended with one of the greatest examples of "Gorilla Ex Machina" I've ever seen in a comic book. And comic books being what they are, there have been a lot of them! For the first forty years in the history of comic books, the most surefire way to get kids to pick up your comic book from the pharmacy comic book rack was to throw an ape or a dinosaur or the word "SHOCKING!" on the cover. Judging by the amount of monkeys and dinosaurs in The New 52 so far, it must still be common wisdom.

The great moment last issue was when Solovar was introduced two pages before he threw his life away to save The Flash. Technically he was introduced in an earlier issue during one of The Flash's Flashbacks to his safari trip. But only Turbine had any idea what that was about so it doesn't really count. Now can The Flash turn the tables on Gorilla Grodd or will Solovar have thrown his life away for nothing? Although I think philosophically speaking (depending on which philosophers were speaking, of course!), a mere ape throwing his life away so that a human being filled with God's Soul and Righteous Glory can live for even just a few more seconds is as majestic a life as an ape can live. Of course those philosophers are idiots.

Barry lies beneath 800 pounds of dead gorilla while Grodd beats his own chest in gorilla victory. But that's not enough to keep Patty Spivot, Barry's love interest, from submitting the first pun of the comic!

Okay, so it's not actually a pun. But you know what I mean! On a meta-textual level it is! Okay, not really. But she said "run" and we're reading a comic book about a guy that runs fast!

Grodd's infusion of speed force suddenly wears out, so Turbine begins throwing rocks at him to distract him while Patty somehow pushes an 800 pound gorilla off of Barry's chest. Luckily Solovar isn't completely dead so he can roll himself off of Barry while Patty pretends to do all of the work. Now Solovar tells her she's supposed to tell Barry something because his mind is always faster than, well, I don't know what he's saying. He's a delirious, dying, time traveling, talking ape! I'm pretty sure he's just babbling nonsense.

Meanwhile Captain Cold and the Rogues are putting their plan into effect. They're going to begin transferring citizens into the Mirror Realm to keep them safe from the monkeys. And of course they're going to do it while punning on each others' gimmicks.

How many times a year do you think Weather Wizard hears this?

While Patty is taking care of Barry, Grodd has found his way back to Dr. Elias's lab to suck down some more Speed Force. Dr. Elias has been storing it in tubes for some reason that may or may not have been explained previously. Probably to help power the city so that they never endure another blackout caused by a time traveling EMP blast.

Iris West's brother and probably Wally West's father, is still running around the streets looking for his sister. But he can't find her because she's on vacation in the Speed Force. He's caught by the apes and sent to Ape School where he'll be part of the project projecting an image of Central City completely destroyed and irradiated to anybody outside the city limits.

Barry Allen lies in bed doing his stupid Speed Mind thing. I guess having access to the Speed Force allows him to see the future and with his Speed Mind deal, he can see every future possibility in nearly no time at all. Using this amazing ability to read the scripts of future issues, he awakens from his unconscious state with the answer to Central City's Gorilla Problem.

Love will find a way, bitches. That's a saying, right?

The Flash #15 Rating: No change. There just wasn't enough comic book in this comic book. Half a dozen pages were taken up by the Speed Mind scenario that might have looked interesting but since I already dislike the entire concept, they really didn't impress me much. Not that I totally dislike the concept of somehow seeing alternate timelines and dealing with those. I just don't like how it was incorporated into The Flash's speed power and somehow associated with his ability to "think fast!" It really is more of a psychic power since he doesn't know most of the stuff he sees in his future possibilities. But I guess that's why it's tied to the Speed Force and that place that seems to access multiple points across the timeline.

The Flash's Speed Mind is a lot like The Centipede's power from Dial H except The Centipede is cooler because he has to live every single possibility and rewind when it doesn't work out. So he's actively trying each one as he goes and people can see a weird blurry afterimage of all of his various tries to solve a problem. I wonder if The Centipede leaves corpses as well or if those just fade away as he replays the timeline over and over?

This power is also reminiscent of the new version of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy from the final book, Mostly Harmless, where the guide manipulates the time line so that hitchhikers can get a lift precisely when they need one. Although it mostly just manipulates timelines so that it can get Arthur Dent to die on Earth like he was supposed to! Um, Spoiler Warning for the previous sentence!

All Star Western #15

I'm currently drunk on sake so we'll see how this goes. And forgive me my typos as I forgive those that typo against me. Okay, that's a lie because I've yet to forgive Howard Mackie and his editors. Fuck they suck at their jobs.

Earlier tonight I was instant messaging a friend and my web browser was in the background on Tumblr. On Tumblr was an animated gif (or are those just referred to as "gifs" now? Fuck I'm old! There was a time a .gif was just another type of fucking .jpg! And some of them you animated! I was probably animating gifs before most of you were born!) of Ellen saying some such shit about comedians are bullies if somebody is the butt of their jokes. I'm pretty sure she's watering down the meaning of "bully." I know by her definition, I'm a fucking bully. And guess who my victims are? Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, Ann Nocenti. But you know what? I have no power over them. They're doing their jobs and I'm criticizing them because their jobs are in paid entertainment. If you do a bad job and people pay to experience the fruits of your labor, you have opened yourself up to criticism. And no matter how badly I make fun of Scott Lobdell, in the end, he still has an awesome job that pays really well. A dream job even. And good for him! But you would think he would treat that job as if he's luckier than shit to have it. But instead he just turns out bullshit month after month and puts no real effort into his writing. And I'm a bully for pointing this out? Some would even say I'm jealous? No, no! Yes, I envy him. But I don't make fun of him because he has a dream job! I make fun of him because he's bad at it!

I also make fun of homeless people and tigers, so maybe I am a fucking bully.

How many of you would like to play a roleplaying game based on The Bible? I've written one and I could use some beta testers if you have a home group that would be into that sort of thing. Actually I just have the core rules (very simple!) but if anyone is interested, I'll whip up a Genesis Scenario. The game would be played by scenario only. The players would take control of major figures of The Bible and work their way through the entire Old Testament.

I could probably use some beta testers to play Places & Predators as well although I really need one more pass on the game to rewrite some key rules for the final edit. But, you know, if anyone wants to put themselves on a mailing list to Beta Test that, it might get me to finish up the rules quicker. It's a humorous RPG based on The Game of Life. And, you know, mythology and dungeons and dragons and warhammer and all of that typical bullshit.

Before I get to All Star Western #15, let me also say that I've had Chris Ware's Building Stories sitting by my desk for a few months and haven't really begun reading it until tonight. I read a couple of small books, Branford the Smartest Bee in the World, and then the section that is newspaper sized. Fuck me, Chris Ware. Stop making me weep like a little girl who just found her mother dead and her pet puppy with a shotgun in its mouth. This guy knows how to write normality bordering on frustration and impotence.

Warning: I'm now beginning to read All Star Western #15. I'm not very optimistic about it though. Stupid Black Diamond Probability.

The issue begins with Mr. Hyde forcing the Black Diamond Potion on Amadeus Arkham.

He's absolutely right. There's such a huge gap between being told what it's like to take mushrooms and actually experiencing the mind-fucking alternate reality of that world.

The first moment I entered that alternate reality (although on acid not shrooms. Same thing) was sitting in a friend's house in Santa Clara, California nervously waiting to feel the effects. I'd known years before actually doing acid that I wanted to try it. I was fascinated with the idea of hallucinations and, I believe, my love of Alice in Wonderland (the novel, not the Disney cartoon) was inextricably tied to this desire. I was sitting there watching my friend Karl play Donkey Kong on his Super Nintendo and suddenly everything began to change in the subtlest of ways. The noise was warping and the colors were leaving trails and every movement Mario made was funnier than anything I'd ever experienced. I was instantly in love with the experience and would visit that world many times over. It's been about twelve years now since the last time I tripped. I'm not even sure I'd be comfortable doing it now that I've traveled past the center of life's labyrinth. No longer is most of the maze and adventure ahead of me. Now I know I'm well past the center and I hear the snorting of the minotaur nipping at my heels, closer and closer with every passing day. People who know what acid does to your experience understand why that keeps me from placing the tab on my tongue.

While Hyde is undergoing his savage transformation, Jonah Hex barges in ready to kill. I'm not sure he knows how to do anything else. Barge. Then kill.

Neither Hyde nor I know what Hex means here but I really like the picture as well as the sentiment. Really. You don't always have to understand something to enjoy it.

Mr. Hyde throws Hex out of a window and Hex crashes to the ground with some pretty major wounds. Mr. Hyde then turns his attention to Arkham who has upset him because the potion merely made him violent as opposed to sexually perverse. Mr. Hyde simply needs to get laid and the effects of the Black Diamond might finally wear off. It's just I don't know any male characters in this comic willing to bugger this bastard.

Hex drags himself back into the room half-crippled to continue the brawl with Mr. Hyde. While they're fighting, Arkham bolts like a character from the Looney Tunes. Hex eventually throws Hyde out of a window and Hyde bolts as well, threatening Hex that he'll be back. Hex has some policemen set his leg and he hobbles off to find Arkham.

Meanwhile Arkham is off flirting with the big breasted Gotham Prostitutes.

Instead of brawling, Arkham merely takes down his trousers and is tackled by the police. Arkham winds up in an asylum. Hex winds up in a wheelchair needing at least a month of rest. And Hyde winds up in Slaughter Swamp at the old home of the Haunted Highwayman, mixing his potions and becoming more and more Eclipso-like every night. I suppose the next issue may take place after everyone is healed and Mr. Hyde is ready to really cause some pain.

The back-up story is still about Tomahawk and since I'm not a twelve year old boy in the fifties, it doesn't interest me in the slightest. The Americans betray Tecumseh and his people and Tecumseh and his people fight back. It would be nice to see Tecumseh and Tomahawk kick some major ass but we all know how this bullshit ended up. At least my ancestors came from Spain via the sugar cane plantations in Hawaii, later settling in California, so even by my ancestor's lot, I'm not responsible for any of this imperial bullshit.

All Star Western #15 Rating: No change. The art and story were better than last month but there still isn't much happening. But I enjoyed Jonah's attitude throughout and it's nice to see Hex wounded enough to be out of commission for awhile. The sooner this story ends and they begin telling the tale of Tallulah and the Barbary Ghost, the better!