In Which I Repost my Love Letter to John Hughes

Click on the image above (Or HERE!) to read my comic strip essay on The Breakfast Club

In the midst of my comic strip, Dwarf Lover, I had the characters take a small interlude while Polly the Loremaster tells a story. The story will probably be a bit familiar to you. It's not the first time I've written about what a movie means to me through a story teller's rewrite. I also did one for Heathers although without the photoshopping and assorted Warhammer characters.

If you enjoy reading my comic book commentaries and are a fan of The Breakfast Club, I highly recommend reading my take on the movie. You might as well read the Heathers story as well if you enjoy that movie too.

Teen Titans #15

And that's a wrap on the Joker face covers!

This issue takes place some time between Teen Titans #14 and Red Hood and the Outlaws #15. At the end of Teen Titans #14, Red Robin had left New York to help Batman fight The Joker in Gotham. Solstice saw him leave of his own accord and that was that. Until later that night, they found a message from The Joker via a messed up Red Robin effigy in Tim Drake's room. Now everyone believes Tim has been kidnapped by The Joker and Solstice doesn't say anything. They rush off to Gotham to save Tim Drake.

Does this mean The Joker knows that Tim Drake is Red Robin? Yes, yes of course it does. Why else would it be in Tim Drake's apartment? So while all of the other Death of the Family tie-ins kept telling the story in an ambiguous way so that the reader couldn't be sure if The Joker was bluffing about knowing their identities or not, Scott Lobdell writes things that can only be explained if The Joker knows. So for Scott Lobdell's sake, The Joker had better know!

Although, to play Devil's Advocate with myself (the PG version!), the other Teen Titans don't know that Red Robin is Tim Drake. Yet they have access to his penthouse which means that they could dig up who he is if they wanted. Which Tim Drake would never allow. So the Penthouse might actually be leased to Red Robin! Right? Maybe? Does that sound possible?

At the end of Red Hood and the Outlaws #15, Red Robin was unconscious and at the bottom of a hole in Gotham City. The other Titans were on the street battling Joker Thugs. So now this issue should fill in how they all got from over there to over there a little further.

Red Robin narrates the story from wherever the fuck he is (he probably was immediately kidnapped by The Joker because causality and Scott Lobdell have never met) and since he's such a genius, he knows exactly how it will all go down. The Titans search his room and find Batgirl's number. Check.
Wait. How the fuck does one get in contact with Batgirl without learning that she's Barbara Gordon? She doesn't have a Bat Signal? The Bat Family all have ways to communicate with one another but I can't imagine that method is shared with anybody else ever. I bet Babs has a Batpager. Probably the only company still making Pagers is Waynetech. Anyway, they meet up with Batgirl in the city.

My guess is that he's rubbed off on 3 out of 4 of them.

Red Robin guesses Batgirl will make a lame joke and she does. It's really lame because it's not a joke at all. She arrives. Some people are watching her arrive. And she accuses them of having "Rushmore starebacks." Should they have looked away? What more do you want?

Next Red Robin assumes that either Wonder Girl will attack Batgirl (you know? After calling to meet up with her. Red Robin really doesn't have any respect for Cassie, does he?) or Bart will attempt to grope her. Check!

The FKZZTT sound effect is some kind of anti-groping electrical shock charge that Batman installed in Batgirl's suit so he doesn't have to follow her around with a shotgun.

The comic book's credits stated that Scott Lobdell did the plotting while Fabian Nicieza did the dialogue. That's exactly how the thing reads as well. It's like Lobdell just wrote out a bunch of narration boxes in Red Robin's voice to tell the story and then Fabian interpreted those Narration Boxes into the actual events that are taking place. But this story also holds a great big clue to a larger mystery in the DCnU! See how accurately Red Robin predicts the future simply because he's insanely smart and can tell everything that is going to happen no matter how many random things could disrupt the sequence of events? Know anybody else that can do that?! Right! Harvest! Just like I've been saying. Fucking Tim Drake is Harvest.

The Flash shows Batgirl Red Robin's "bat phone thingie" and how her name is inside and not in code. So that's how they found Batgirl. My guess is that Batgirl's number is the only number in this Bat Phone Thingie since it was his emergency contact for the Teen Titans if he ever got himself into some kind of trouble. It's like a medic alert bracelet!

Red Robin knows that after Batgirl recovers from being either attacked or hugged, she'll tell them about The Joker. Check!

My favorite part is that she calls the Gotham City Police Station "Commissioner Gordon's Office."

Batgirl decides to hang out with the Titans for awhile because she doesn't have enough going on in her life what with chasing Katana to Japan and marrying The Joker and worrying about her brother slitting Alysia's throat. Maybe I'm the only worried about that last one. The New 52 needs a fuckload lot more of Alysia.

Meanwhile, Red Robin wakes up in the pit that he was thrown into by The Joker when he was kidnapped from his room after leaving for Gotham but apparently having to go back to get something. The Joker has clothed him in an old costume and greets him upon waking with a comment that's almost correct.

I always thought Red Robin was thrifty and responsible with his vast fortune. But The Joker knows him better than I do!

As you can see by that last comment, I have a bit of a problem with the way The Bible has taught people to use "prodigal." The son that returns isn't "prodigal" because he's returning after a long absence which is usually the way it's used. "Prodigal" is the adjective that describes the son that left as being unwise with his money, "wastefully extravagant." So the saying, "The prodigal son returns" simply means the son who spent his money foolishly and recklessly returns. The rest of that story is even better! Because the father gives the son even more inheritance while the stupid kid who buried his money under a rock doesn't get anything more! Ha ha! Dumb dumb!

I also have a problem with how people will refer to a person who does good deeds as a "Samaritan" as opposed to a "good Samaritan." Jesus's whole point in telling that story was how even a Samaritan who is selfish and narcissistic and filthy and dirty who helps a fellow in need is better than a priest or a saint or a totally respectable Jewish person who doesn't help the fellow in need. Jesus's story is shocking in that a Samaritan actually helps a fellow traveler on the road. But now everybody thinks Samaritans are good and helpful and nice and thoughtful!

You know, if people can't get just these simple things right when reading The Bible, how do they fucking interpret the rest of it so spot on? That was sarcastic!

Even The Joker is confused by the term "the prodigal son" as he decides that Jason Todd is more fitting of that name. The Joker and Red Robin consequently have a conversation where The Joker shouts his half and Red Robin Narration Boxes his half but The Joker still knows what he's thinking. You know what would be better? If Red Robin was actually responding to him. But I have a feeling that Fabian simply had to write the dialogue around Scott's stupid Narration Boxes in the script.

Batgirl points out the places where The Joker has committed crimes in the past. The Teen Titans split up to investigate these places. Meanwhile Red Robin sits in the dark narrating these moments as if he's watching over them. He's going to be a real good Harvest when he grows up to be a Vampire! He even Narration Boxes: "They won't find me in any of those places--and The Joker knows that...so what does he get out of sending them on a wild goose chase?" Well, Red Robin, let me answer that for you: The Joker didn't send them to investigate those places! Batgirl did!

What's happening here is several levels of people knowing how other people will react. The Joker obviously knows that by kidnapping Red Robin, the Teen Titans will contact Batgirl and be sent to a bunch of locations where Red Robin won't be but The Joker can have his thugs waiting. Meanwhile, Red Robin knows that The Joker knows that Red Robin will have left a clue for the Teen Titans to find so that they'll contact Batgirl and Batgirl will send them to these places where The Joker will have ambushes waiting. How many levels of stupid is this?

Then The Joker springs the big secret on Red Robin that he's sprung earlier on the rest of the Bat Family: He knows Red Robin's real name! Oh noes!

Since Tim Drake doesn't believe The Joker and Tim Drake was kidnapped out of his bedroom, his penthouse must be in Red Robin's name!

The Joker planned for everything just like every villain Scott Lobdell writes. Kid Flash kicks up Joker Dust that turns everybody into aggressive Joker Zombies. They begin fighting but they don't want to hurt the innocent people now attacking them. Their powers are also ramped up because Kurt Lance is hanging out thinking at them.

Wait. What?

Actually, you don't have to check out Birds of Prey #15 because it won't tell you anything. Birds of Prey actually should have had a note to check out Teen Titans #15 for what's happening.

With the Titans overwhelmed by Joker monsters, Speedy and Starfire appear to save the day! And I guess Jason Todd falls into the pit trap with Red Robin right about now except in Red Hood, Red Robin was unconscious when that happened. But if that's the only problem I have with these two stories interweaving, that's a pretty good day over at DC Editorial!

Teen Titans #15 Rating: -2 Ranking. The Joker sucked as The Joker. And the thing I can't stand even worse than heroes beating up on other heroes is super villains weaving intricate plans that are no different than predicting the future with 100% accuracy. This comic goes one better by having Red Robin somehow know everything as well! The good thing about this comic book is that you can actually skip it while reading the Death in the Family since it really just fills in some minor gaps. Just read Red Hood and the Outlaws and you've got enough to understand what's going on. The only thing missing was Red Robin telling The Joker that he was going to kill him! The Joker just wasn't mean enough, I guess.

The Fury of Firestorm #15

I keep reading this cover as "Death of Captain Atom" and having involuntary movements of my most private of parts.

I'm reading Fury of Firestorm out of order because Artya (who has the best Avatar on Tumblr and only seems to have a presence on Tumblr so it can Disqus) sent a message to me about it that totally spoiled the whole thing for me! Well, not actually! Here's the message:

Just finished reading Firestorm 15. No, no Ronnie's mom in sight. But Jurgens kinda fulfills one of your wishes. No, no homoerotic stuff. Someone kind of dies. And becomes someone else, someone lost, in a sense. I know you don't like spoilers; i'll keep it vague: a certain bad guy could be this guy, from another timeline. Or worse, the bad guy is Stephen Hawkings. Jurgens just gave a big big gigantic lifesaver to Defalco. Doesn't make it any better. It will be great to read what you think about.

So maybe I wasn't so wrong about reading the cover as the death of Capatin Adym! I mean Atom! My guess is that Dr. Megala dies since that's really what's going on on the cover. Dr. Megala is in Firestorm at the time. But he can't become Harvest because that's so obviously Tim Drake after being bitten by a Vampire and living his undead delusion for 1000 years. Now I'm speculating on things somebody else has said and not even speculating on the comic book which I should just be reading anway! My thoughts just keep spiraling further and further outward, away from the actual thing I'm supposed to be contemplating. Shadows of shadows of shadows of the philosophical ideal of the thing casting shadows.

Or something. Maybe I should just read Firestorm.

We left off with Dr. Megala having inserted himself into the body of two high school boys after discovering their location via his newly created Gaydar. Oh, and Captain Atom decided he was already bored of living on the moon. I think "boredom" trumps "existential crisis." I was also left wondering what happened to Ronnie and Jason once Dr. Megala forced his way into Firestorm.

Turns out they're in the same place Sinestro and Hal Jordan are in! Except it's a little more dreary.

Dammit, Ronnie! Don't interrupt now! I want to hear all the sexy details!

Where does Jason's body go when he and Ronnie become Firestorm? This current Firestorm is like trying to stare at one of those three dimensional pictures that were hot shit back in the early nineties. Jason's body is gone because he and Ronnie merged to become Firestorm. So Jason's mind ends up in Ronnie's mind while Jason's body just disappears for a bit unless it's also absorbed into Ronnie's body. Let's just say they merge completely in a very satisfying and loving way. So now two minds are in Ronnie's body, Jason's and Ronnie's. Now Dr. Megala has transferred his mind into Ronnie's body as well. But Dr. Megala's body remains outside of this big Firestorm pastiche. His mind has now taken control leaving Ronnie in the back of Dr. Megala's mind which is in Ronnie's body which means Jason's mind is in the back of Ronnie's mind which is in the back of Ronnie's body currently being controlled by Dr. Megala's mind whose body is entirely separate.

I think I'm making this too complicated! But then love isn't always easy. Anyway, when Dr. Megala takes over Firestorm, he ends up giving it old man Popeye face.

Whenever Dan Jurgens uses foreshortening on a full body, it just winds up looking like a person with a gimpy, baby leg.

Dr. Megala informs his fellow scientists that they're stupid and he's the smartest man on Earth and now he'll never have to endure another incontinence joke at his expense! He's managed to repress the personalities of Jason and Ronnie. While they watch Dr. Megalastorm flit about and try out his new powers, they decide to have a short discussion about The Guardians of the Universe.

Why doesn't this have a "Rise of the Third Army" tag on the front cover?

Minus the masturbation jones, the connection between the Guardians of the Universe and Dr. Megala is pretty obvious. In the DC Universe, if you're super smart you're prone to corruptibility. The Guardians. Niles Caulder. Dr. Megala. Mr. 8, Dr. Sivana, T.O. Morrow, Lex Luthor, and probably a bunch more that'll come to me later while I'm walking down a staircase. It's like Ogilvy, the Penguin's right-hand man said, "You want to be smart but not too smart!" He may have said it differently. I'm one of those annoying people that never get quotes perfect because I don't actually give a fuck about quoting people or things. But I still retain the general idea behind what was said and that's good enough for me. Although it really grinds the gears of people obsessed with quotes. I'm always being corrected which just fucks up the conversation and derails any discussion. It's not that important! I can already feel the gray clouds brewing in the minds of readers who think exactly the opposite and store quotes for every occasion. Fucking nitpickers!

Dr. Megala's first major act as the new Firestorm is to transform the heads on Mt. Rushmore into scientists, alchemists, and great thinkers: Galileo, Newton, Einstein, and himself. He states that he's the fourth greatest mind. Does that mean he is the smartest man on Earth followed by Lex Luthor and then Mister Terrific? I know Mister Terrific isn't on the same Earth anymore but he kept going on and on about being the 3rd Smartest Person but his comic didn't last long enough to explore that statement. What about Stephen Hawking? What about me? I have a feeling Dr. Megala is actually about the 25th smartest person on Earth.

Speaking of the smartest people in the DCnU, who's the smartest woman in the DCnU? Dr. Veritas the Omniologist? She's probably a contender for one of the top two spots above Mister Terrific now that she exists!

While Jason and Ronnie try to figure out a way to kick the old man out of their body, General Eiling begins a conversation with Captain Atom that I'm tired of hearing.

Well, trust him now and deal with fighting him later or just fucking begin fighting him now. What's your choice? Fucking stop trying to piss him off!

As if there isn't enough going on in this comic book, Dr. Megalastorm notices (while in South Dakota) that Qurac (on the other side of the world) has just test fired a long range missile for their budding nuclear program. Dr. Megalastorm turns the missile into a Rubik's cube while even more chaos erupts on the U.S.S. Independence which is neither in South Dakota nor the Middle East but the Pacific Ocean. This comic book has a lot of shit going on!

Captain Atom realizes Dr. Megala transferred his consciousness into Firestorm and decides to go beat his ass.

That's right! At least not while you were being written by J.T. Krul.

Predictably (which is a good thing because it plays out true to the characters! I didn't mean that in the derogatory way it sounded), Captain Atom knocks Dr. Megalastorm loopy in one or two panels. This causes Dr. Megala to lose his complete grip on Firestorm and suddenly Jason and Ronnie are now disembodied heads that can taunt Dr. Megalastorm! How many more people can you fit inside of this body? Can everyone on the planet live inside of a Firestorm as disembodied, chatty, back seat driver heads? Now Ronnie and Jason simply have to find a way to eject Dr. Megala from the Firestorm body. If they figure out this trick, does that mean Jason will be able to eject Ronnie from the body? Or will they only be able to manage this because Dr. Megala is an invading mind with his own body back at the Continuum? I'm pretty sure it's that last one.

With Captain Atom zapping Dr. Megalastorm and Jason and Ronnie taunting him from inside his head, he eventually loses control and winds up in the Quantum Field with Jason and Ronnie. That means Dr. Megala is gay because the Quantum Field doesn't immediately reject him.!

Anybody up for a lemon party?

At this point, nobody is in control of Firestorm. At this point, Captain Atom is barreling toward Firestorm to destroy him. At this point, it's apparently too late for Captain Atom to stop his attack. But it's not too late for a nice, long, casual conversation before that happens.

Captain Atom should have stopped his attack as soon as Firestorm called him "chrome dome!" Dr. Megala, being bald himself, would never have called him that as an insult in the heat of battle. Fucking Batman would have figured that out.

At the last moment, Captain Atom realizes Firestorm is telling the truth. He absorbs most of the blast which fragments him, sending pieces of himself all across the timestream. One of those pieces lands in the 31st century as Nathaniel Adym who you might recognize from Legion Lost if you or anybody else was reading that comic book. I thought there must have been some kind of connection but since Tom DeFalco is writing Legion Lost, I thought the connection could have simply been Tom DeFalco thinking Nathaniel Adym was a cool name and having no clue that he was stealing it from Captain Atom.

With his impressive store of time travel and military knowledge, Captain Atom quickly rises from naked bum in an alley to the Captain of the Science Police's time traveling division, Echo Squad!

It's yet to be seen in Legion Lost if Nathaniel Adym has any of his Captain Atom powers although I would suspect he does. My big gripe in Legion Lost was how Nathaniel Adym time traveled past Flashpoint. Well, if he still has some Captain Atom powers, its possible he was able to manipulate his Time Bubble and force it back in time. I could live with that!

But what's even more interesting is that hundreds of pieces of Captain Atom seeded the timeline. How many more Captain Atoms are there and will there be a future gigantic crossover event dealing with the many faces of Captain Atom? Is there a Caveman Adm? A Puritan Nathaniel Addam? Perhaps the Dragon in the next Beowulf comic will be Dragon Adam? I wonder if one of his shards landed on Earth 2? Or maybe even Earth C? Is there an animal version of Captain Atom now? I bet he's a Tamarin Monkey!

The newest member of The Zoo Crew!

The least important part of the cosmic collision is that Ronnie was knocked unconscious and Firestorm plummeted into the ocean. I guess when Ronnie is knocked out, Jason doesn't get to take over command of the body. Or maybe he just doesn't realize at this moment that he can do that. That might be how he saves their asses from drowning next issue.

I should probably mention the fate of Dr. Megala as well: his body has fallen into a coma. But where his mind has gone is a mystery!

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #15 Rating: +1 Ranking. Dan Jurgens has a way of writing comic books that hasn't changed since the 1980s. Sometimes that's a horrible, horrible thing. And sometimes it's simply the change of pace that a comic book has been needing. And I think Firestorm is finding its footing much better under Jurgens than it had been under whoever was writing it before. How can I be bothered to remember? Joe Harris, maybe? Ethan Van Sciver? Gail Simone? One or all of those people! I'm also interested to see if Tom DeFalco works in the Captain Atom revelation before Legion Lost ends or if it doesn't matter over in that toilet water comic book. Although with Captain Atom fragmenting across all time and space, he's actually ready for another go at his own title! I think that's a premise that a strong comic book can be built around!

Aquaman #15

Unless fish have started to poop kryptonite, Superman must be taking a nap in the background. Why waste his time fighting a villain from the sea? Let the Sea King handle it! Superman needs to save his energy for the real threats from space.

How many times have DC Comic fans been through this charade? A new Aquaman title comes out and everybody declares that this time Aquaman is different! This time he's been made to be cool! He's interesting now! And then everyone gets tired of staring at the Emperor's naked dingle and some kid tells him that Aquaman is a joke. And everyone goes back about their business of making fun of Aquaman.

Now, I know it's not cool to make fun of Aquaman currently. That was last century's comic book fans. A bunch of ignorant barbarians. We're a much better people now. We're more sophisticated. So it may seem like I'm hopelessly out of touch with the modern view of comics when I slip right back into the comfort of laughing at the sea king. But I'm just living in reality! It's only a matter of time before even the loyal comic book readers go back to the status quo and begin treating Aquaman like the fish biscuit he's always been.

The main group of people that refuse to make fun of Aquaman are those solidly in the Us (comic book readers) versus Them (socially active people) camp. They want to prove that people that make fun of Aquaman are ignorant of his actual powers and abilities. But this stand isn't about Aquaman at all. It's about one upping those other jerks that think they're so cool drinking alcoholic beverages and kissing women on the mouth. Defending Aquaman is never about Aquaman. Let's face it. We all know he's the worst Justice League member ever. Defending Aquaman is about making oneself look more knowledgeable than those that would demean Aquaman. It's about feeling superior. "You make fun of Aquaman because you just don't get him. *snrt*"

I assure you all: I get him! But I will stand by my right to make fun of him! It's in the fucking constitution, people! Also, I want to fit in with those people drinking and kissing! "Aquaman fucks fish, amirite?" Now somebody fetch me a drink and kiss me on the mouth already!

For those staunch advocates of Aquaman's super coolness, let's take a quick look at his entry from the 1985 Who's Who.

Excerpt from the "Powers & Weapons" section: "...if Aquaman remains out of contact with water for more than an hour, he weakens, slips into a coma, and will ultimately die."

Aquaman #15: "Is Aquaman a match for...THE TOWEL!?!"
Aquaman #16: "Can the Doctors Discover the TERRIBLE SECRET of THE SEA KING before it's too late?!"
Aquaman #17: "TO PULL THE PLUG OR NOT TO PULL THE PLUG?!"
Aquaman #18: "Funeral at sea."
Aquaman #19: "The MIRACULOUS recovery of ARTHUR CURRY!"

But that was the old Aquaman. At some point, people realized making him vulnerable to dryness lacked a certain amount of heroic flavor. Unless he was still suffering from that up until the Preboot! But now he's not even vulnerable to snide remarks about his silly powers. He's full of self-esteem and a deep loathing for humankind. He's grim and gritty and can deflect bullets with his super tough skin. And I'm sure that in the pages of Justice League and Aquaman, he'll garner respect from Batman and Superman. Perhaps he'll eventually stop being an after thought when people name the members of the Justice League. Perhaps. But not in my commentaries!

Before I get to the commenting part of this commentary, here's a picture of Aquaman as reinterpreted by my friend Doom Bunny's daughter Janie.

This costume is 85% cooler than his normal one!

Meanwhile in Gotham, Commissioner Gordon and Detective Bullock will no longer be making public Aquaman jokes.

I hope it wasn't Harvey that was yelling for Barbara!

Mera meets up with Batman and Aquaman to discuss war plans. Luckily Cyborg knew the wave was coming so the majority of Gothamites escaped drowning. But that doesn't go for Metropolis and Boston! I bet most of the people in those cities are dead!

Speaking of the people in Metropolis, Vulko and Superman engage in some pre-dialogue violence. That's always the most unavoidable violence. One person says, "Calm down." And the other person says, "There's no time!" And they beat each other up for a little bit. And then one of them says, "I'm sorry but you have to listen!" And the other one says, "Fuck you, you asshole, why the fuck did you punch me in the face if you just wanted my help, you crazy son of a squid!" And then Vulko says, "We need King Arthur!"

Mera gets put on clean-up detail because she's a woman (unless it's because she can manipulate water and drain the cities although I think that's just an excuse because Aquaman and Batman don't want to fucking clean up) while Batman and Aquaman discuss what's happening. Hey hey hey! What's happening?

Okay guys, don't start hitting each other now. Just figure out who sabotaged the submarine and get busy kicking that person's ass.

Aquaman tells Batman that he used to be somebody! He was the King of Atlantis, dammit! The King of the Sea! The King of the Seven Seas! The King of the World! But then he joined the Justice League because it just seemed like a more respectable job. Batman decides to be a hard-assed asshole by telling Aquaman that whoever is behind these attacks has to pay. Aquaman says that Atlantis is attacking because they think whoever is behind the missile attacks has to pay. Batman says, "That's no excuse."

Fucking Batman and his land dweller bullshit! So it's your right to make people pay for death and destruction but other people don't have that right to bring retribution on your people? You know, I used to like you, Batman. But reading The New 52, I realize you're a money grubbing, gentrifying, imperialist, holier-than-thou dickfaced weasel fucker. I think it's time for Dick Grayson to take your place permanently.

Cyborg begins trying to organize the Justice League so that they can drive back the Atlantean army. He mentions that The Flash is busy fighting monkeys but it's unrelated to this attack. Wow, Cyborg! Way to make a call! I guess he could have been fighting Sea Monkeys though. And Cyborg can be forgiven since he's half-robot and he doesn't always know when some things don't need to be said. The rest of the Justice League meet on the satellite to discuss their next move.

Wonder Woman takes Batman's side and decides that anything the United States does is an accident or okay by the terms of war. But Orm's retaliation against the Land Dwellers after Atlantis was attacked is the stuff of super villains and he's a murderer. The Justice League is full of fascists. But they let Aquaman go to speak with Orm and try to straighten this mess out.

Eh. Go ahead. It's just fucking Boston.

Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman suddenly Boom Tube in to tell Aquaman he's out of time. So they tell him he can negotiate with his brother and then they give him two minutes and then they appear to throw fuel on the fire. Fuck me. I'm really beginning to hate the Justice League. Earth 2 is so much better off with these assholes in the ground.

And guess what happens when the Big Three arrive to force everyone to do things their way? Aquaman gets violent and begins choking Batman. Why are these super heroes so fucking high strung? Boston is already a complete wasteland. I'm pretty sure Aquaman has plenty of time to discuss things with Orm before anybody needs to be punched in the nose. Especially fucking Superman. He's SUPERMAN! Take a fucking laxative, bitch. As soon as Orm gets uppity, fly down at him at superspeed and kick his ass. Now Batman I can see overreacting because Batman really needs to get the first strike to gain the upper hand, being mortal and fragile and all. But Superman needs some goddamned patience.

Aquaman #15 Rating: No change. So the comic ends with Aquaman's hand around Batman's throat. Things escalate so quickly in comic books! If real life were like comics, I imagine just asking my mother for a bowl of cereal while growing up would end with one of us in the hospital. Hmm, that's a bad example since that's exactly what breakfast was like growing up. But you get the idea! Every class discussion at school would be a brawl. Debates would be knife fights. Romantic dates would be full of kidnapping, murder, and rape which would make them indistinguishable from fraternity dates. Live entertainment would end in genocide! But at least the drama would sell!

Justice League #15

Look at how angry Batman is because he's not the center of attention.

I bet Batman is wondering how Aquaman's lousy crossover made it into the pages of The Justice League but The Court of Owls and Death of the Family didn't warrant any Justice League space. Sure, the Justice League fought some Talons on an airplane as Green Arrow begged them to let him join but the front cover didn't tag the crossover so it didn't count. I don't think any other comic book wanted Aquaman, so Geoff Johns could only tell The Throne of Atlantis story in books he was writing. And Green Lantern is busy with its own shitty crossover (well, it's not that shitty! I'm actually enjoying it except for the part where everyone should have stopped trusting the Guardians of the Universe twenty years ago) and besides, what good would Aquaman be in space?

The comic begins with a submarine accidentally launching nuclear missiles into the ocean floor in the middle of the Atlantic. It may or may not have been an act of sabotage and the missiles may or may not have hit Atlantis or an outlying Atlantean community or maybe it just blew a hole in The Trench to free the Cannibalistic Humanoid Underwater Dwellers. It's a couple of pages of that semi-cinematic hogwash that Geoff Johns likes to write into his comics that wastes a lot of space. But after that, the story really kicks in as Clark Kent and Diana Prince get dressed after their Smallville fling.

"But as a woman, you'll also need to put your hair in a ponytail for the disguise to be effective."

In Gotham, Batman was once again dealing with the Scarecrow. You'd think that The Scarecrow was Batman's only serious problem in Gotham City since the Reboot. He's fighting them over water which means Aquaman busts in and helps save the day. I probably should have put help in quotation marks because when does Batman ever think, "I could really use Aquaman's help right now!" As opposed to how often everybody else in the DCnU thinks, "I could really use Batman's help right now!"

See? Another hero with a problem that thought, "Batman can solve this!"

Aquaman fears the Trench creatures are back and Batman, being a Detective, realizes this probably has something to do with the ship that blew up the ocean floor with its missiles! Time to get the Justice League together and see what's up at the bottom of the ocean! Or just, you know, send Aquaman and Superman because it's too much of a pain in the ass to send anybody else down there. Even Cyborg is all, "Shit man, no way will I boom tube on to a ship in the Atlantic because if I miss I'll fucking drown so you guys deal with that shit." And Cyborg's dad is all, "Yo dude we can totes make you a mad setup for underwater gigs!" And Cyborg is all, "Fuck you I like my human lung you nut job control freak!" And Cyborg's dad is all, "lololol! Whatevs!"

While the rest of the Justice League are worried that all hell is going to break loose under the Atlantic Ocean, Wonder Woman is busy trying out the whole secret identity thing with Superman.

See? Glasses and hair up! Although the most important part of the disguise is the not wearing your underwear in public part.

While Clark and Diana enjoy mingling with the common rabble, a huge tidal wave hits Metropolis, carrying the evil bomb blasting boat into downtown. Unless it's a different boat but I suspect it's the offending boat because the Atlanteans were probably a little bit pissed off that they were fired upon by it. So Metropolis is right up on the coast probably across the bay from Gotham. It seems weird that Metropolis is basically the comic book version of New York and yet New York also exists. So the eastern seaboard has New York and then Metropolis just south of that? And then Gotham just south of that? Is Gotham in New Jersey? And if that is the location, why the hell did Green Lantern fly over Detroit when he went from Gotham to Metropolis way back in Justice League #1? Somebody get me a fucking map!

Looking up some shit about it, Mayfair Games placed it in Delaware for the DC Roleplaying game but that's obviously not canon. The Smallville television show had it in Kansas but since it's always been coastal, that's bullshit as well. I think Metropolis is where New York is in our reality and New York is further up the coast in DC reality! On one hand, it seems odd that DC wouldn't want to place these cities in an exact location to help solidify continuity which they love heavy petting to the point of physical ailment. But then it's probably continuity that keeps them from forcing the cities into one single place. As soon as that happens, all the super knowledge fanboys will emerge from the crawlspaces of their parents' houses and begin asking about how every single story line in every single Batman and Superman comic book could have happened if the city were in the place DC declares it's in. Writing a sentence with a bunch of ambiguous and vague nouns is confusing and I'm marking myself down for that last sentence and writing, "Clarity! Clarity! Clarity!!!" in red marker in the margin.

I don't know where I was going with all of this but it doesn't matter since I'm going to breakfast now. I'll continue this after the break(fast).

So before I went to breakfast, this happened and everybody in Metropolis drowned.

At least Lois Lane was saved by Vulko and Jimmy Olsen saved himself when Superman froze up with the realization that he and Wonder Woman couldn't save everybody. Boston was also hit by a huge wave but no super heroes live in Boston so even more people died there. Cyborg warned Batman that Gotham was next. And Nightwing just sank all of his cash into Amusement Mile! It's going to be washed away and he'll be destitute. Good! I hate all of these well-off people being the heroes of the common man! I hope Batman's bank account is washed away as well.

Aquaman realizes that these waves are the beginning of an attack by Atlantis because they're using his plan of attack against the surface dwelling, over fishing assholes. Serves them right is what Aquaman doesn't say with his mouth but you can see it in his gorgeous blue eyes. This will all be continued in Aquaman #15 which is the next comic book in my stack!

But before I start in on the "Aquaman is a joke" jokes, I still have the Shazam back-up story to read.

Shazam and his foster brother (Freddy, I think. I can't remember their names! The one with the braces! The leg braces, not the teeth braces!) blunder about looking for a way to score some cash so they can buy beer. As they do so, they end up stopping a bunch of crimes.

It's not stupid if you charge everyone for saving their asses! Kaching!

Freddy decides they should be getting home now since they never did score any beer. But Billy doesn't ever plan on turning back into a kid again. I bet he'll think differently once Black Adam punches him in the face a few dozen times. And next issue, that's exactly what's going to happen! After Billy and Freddy get in a fight and Freddy hobbles off in a huff, Black Adam crashes to the ground to confront Shazam. And that's where this story ends and doesn't continue in Aquaman #15.

Justice League #15 Rating: No change. Diana learns to abuse secret identities. Aquaman realizes he's way lower on the super hero totem pole than Batman. And The Flash never made a fucking appearance. Where is that slacker, anyway? Did he quit the team when Hal Jordan did? Maybe that's the "bold" in the bold new era part of the comic! A Justice League without a speedster. Although Barry really can't use his power very well anyway. I think he needs some training. Maybe Bart Allen can teach him how to use his powers correctly because Bart Allen probably learned how to utilize his powers by watching old footage of Barry Allen in action!

Birds of Prey #15

This comic should be called Turds of Prey! Although I wish it were called "50 Birds of Grey" instead.

50 Birds of Grey
By Grunion Guy

Dinah Lance sat upon the leather duvet wearing only her panties. Dinah wasn't sure who clothed the duvet in her panties but she didn't mind. It gave the room one of those sexy qualities that you find on the back cover of an NC-17 DVD box. Dinah was wearing her tight fitting t-shirt from Hot Topic that said, "Unrated" across the front. She thought it gave forth a vibe of sexual tension, the kind you feel when you're all alone on the bus and a homeless person enters at the next stop and sits down in the seat across the aisle from you. She also had some really cute pants on.

Condor walked in and she said, "Hello, Condor," because she didn't know his real identity yet. But that didn't stop her from flirting with him. She licked her thumb and crossed her ankles in a way that said, "If I hadn't just masturbated recently, I would be all over your thing." Condor got the hint and went to see if Starling was drunk and horny yet.

Luckily for Condor, Starling was always drunk and horny! He said, "Come hither and let me put my man sausage into your premium ice cooler." Starling gasped at his effrontery and touched it with her left hand.

"I have been around the guns my entire life, Mr. Condor, but I have never handled one that had already gone off in the pants." Starling pulled her wet hand away and passed out. Condor changed his clothes but he wasn't embarrassed because sometimes that happens with men when they have to be around sexy duvets and women as well.

Katana entered and kissed Batgirl right on the mouth. Then they did it in the way that women do it without either of them having a penis. You know how that is! It's really sexy and super hot! It involves lots of rubbing and compliments! When both of them had their self-esteem raised by a good margin, they were done. They both smoked a cigarette. Katana smoked one made of Japanese incense and Batgirl smokes a bat-cigarette.

Suddenly Dinah Lance literally screamed her head off. Everyone else lost their heads too. But not in a gory way that would not be sexy. It was in an exciting way that would be mysterious and make everyone wonder what would happen in the next issue and whether or not tops would be removed.

The End!

Turds of Prey begins with a scene that Duane seems to think is the best thing in comics because it happened so many times last issue and a few times in previous issues as well.

"I don't think there has been enough falling off of buildings! You can't go wrong with people falling off of buildings!"

Black Condor is trying to get this Dagger Guy to talk. But since Condor doesn't really have any reason to be pumping a Dagger Clan Member for information, he never actually gets around to asking him any questions. Just a bunch of "You will talks!" and "Let's try this another ways!" But this moment does allow for him to find out some information that he didn't know he was seeking: Yokohama is about to be gassed or explodified or something and everyone is going to die.

Meanwhile the scattered Birds of Prey are regrouping at the place they ate sushi earlier. They didn't actually have a plan to regroup. They just all think alike and want to keep the action moving. Fine by me! Who wants to read twenty pages of Starling wandering around Yokohama yelling, "Black Canary! Bat-chick! Crazy Japanese Lady!"

Katana doesn't meet up with them because she was kidnapped by the Dagger Clan. Her husband was thrown into a smelter to be killed. And she was tied up so that the Dagger Clan Leader could taunt her. I forget why they're so interested in her. Did they ever have a reason? Knowing the way Duane writes, they may not have had a reason. It was probably just something like, "Katana disgraced us! We must spend many valuable resources and risk many lives kidnapping her back to Japan and torturing her. It's the only way we'll get any fucking sleep at night." Oh wait! I think the Dagger Clan Leader is going to explain his evil plan now! Let's listen in!

Okay, yes. That's the evil plan. But why do you want to punish her?

I guess I could get out the last couple of issues of Birds of Prey to see what I'm not remembering. But they're not worth rereading and knowing the way Duane Swierczynski (I wonder if I make him say his name backwards, I can be rid of him?) has been writing The Turds of Prey without any causality linking events, I probably wouldn't learn anything anyway.

Seeing as how I'm thinking about it right now and so I don't forget later: What the fuck happened with Poison Ivy?! You don't end issue #12 with everyone upset that Katana just killed Poison Ivy and then never mention it ever again! Is anyone at DC reading this comic book?

The Dagger Clan are so desperate to besmirch Tatsu's name for eternity that they're just going to sit down in the sewer with her and blow up with the bomb they've planted. That seems a bit ridiculous. Hey, Dagger Clan Leader, you know you can set up webcam or something to make sure she's still there and then take off to a remote location. Then instead of waiting for a stupid fucking timer on your bomb, set it off remotely once you're far enough away and you know Katana is still sitting on the bomb. How satisfying is it, really, to get vengeance but not live long enough to savor it?

I guess it's too late to argue the point now. Mr. Dagger Clan Leader has made his suicide cult and now he's got to die with it. Unless The Turds of Prey can stop his nefarious plot! Because here they are! The Turds of Prey to the rescue!

And the first thing Starling does is shoot Black Canary in the ass.

Black Canary takes out the majority of the Dagger Clan with the loudest scream she's ever screamed. Not because Starling shot her in the ass but because she had a vision of her husband, Kurt Lance. Luckily Black Canary gave the other Birds some ear plugs that keep them safe from her super loud mega scream while still allowing them to hear each other speak at normal tones. Hey, it's comic books! Why should I think anything is ridiculous, right? They probably got them from Batman and Batman can do anything!

Further down in the sewers, Katana has managed to escape and save her Husband the Sword. While she's battling for her life, Condor flies out from even further down in the sewers covered in shit and carrying the Dagger Claw Bomb. But that doesn't actually help anyone since they're all still surrounded by hundreds of Ninjas all ready to die in a gigantic bomb blast anyway. I think the best way for Duane to get them out of this situation is to end the comic now and then begin the next comic book with them all standing in an alley with amnesia. Fucking seriously. He's done it before!

The writing in this comic book isn't very good. But the worst part about this comic book is that it should be about characters but none of these characters shine at all. They're just empty shells in recognizable costumes moving from action point to action point. Sure, there are some minor shallow differences. Batgirl is responsible. Starling mouths off and drinks. Katana is stern and amoral. Black Canary is a fucking mess. But this comic could be fantastic if it were driven by the characters themselves. Just as a current example because I'm currently rereading it, Shade the Changing Man by Peter Milligan is an amazing example of a comic driven by the characters and their relationships with each other. Sure, a lot of crazy things unfold and they hop from one weird happening to the next. But those things are practically a backdrop to the way Lenny, Kathy, and Shade interact with each other. They are what make the comic book so good. Okay, Peter Milligan is the real reason! So maybe Duane just stinks at this. I've never read any of his mystery books. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he can write those.

I mention the characters because I kind of liked this moment. It's the first time I've ever liked any panel with Starling in it, I think!

Hey, I didn't say it was the best two panels in comics! I said it was two decent panels in this shitty comic!

After this, they continue to run down the stairs to go deeper into the sewer with Batgirl flinging her batgrapple down ahead of them for some reason. I guess she can't fucking walk anywhere. Damn, I didn't mean it like that! Sorry, Barbara Gordon! I didn't mean to be insensitive to your previous predicament.

Katana's big plan to end the violence after the other Birds arrive just in time for a double page splash is to cut the bomb in half with her magic sword. Her husband assures her that it won't detonate. Perhaps he can disarm bombs from within the sword. After she cuts the bomb in two, she stabs the Dagger Clan Leader in the vocal cords and tells the other Dagger Clan Members to knock it the fuck off. It's over.

And it is! It was that easy! I think most of them didn't really want to die in the first place so they were pretty thankful that Katana just saved the fucking day.

I hope Ann Nocenti explains why the Dagger Claws were after Katana! [Imagine lots and lots of canned studio laughter after reading that sentence.]

Once the Turds are back in Gotham, they discuss needing a new member. They don't actually mention anything about Poison Ivy because it must be a touchy subject. But now that they've lost Katana as well, they feel they need more power. And Batgirl has an idea! Before I turn the page, I should try to guess! The person should be bird (or at least flying rodent!) themed. Babs says it's a strange choice but no stranger than Poison Ivy. Could it be the mute Talon that she and Catwoman helped rescue?

I almost forgot about this Talon until I started flipping through the Who's Who covers for a possible female bird candidate. I was on the "C" issues when I remembered Little Miss Talon.

Birds of Prey #15 Rating: No change. This issue was actually much better than many of the past issues. I'm not giving it any raise in the ranks though because everyone is still ignoring the Poison Ivy Problem!

Batwoman #15

I have a feeling the big fight between Medusa and Batwoman is going to have to wait an issue as Williams and Blackman focus on Maggie.

Last issue ended with Medusa and her gang of Urban Legends running amok in the streets of Gotham. Batwoman and Wonder Woman had just arrived to save the day while Maggie and Bullock and all of the other normal, everyday Gotham Police were trying not to turn into statues. The issue ended with the question, "Who is Maggie Sawyer?" or something like that. So this might be a flashback issue. Or maybe it'll be an issue from her point of view as she heroically does her part against Medusa's army.

The issue is called, "Interlude II", so it looks like a flashback that will probably take place in the amount of time it takes Batwoman and Wonder Woman to hit the ground.

Maggie's thoughts, out of time, flit about the moments she's spent on the Medusa case: chasing leads, fighting gang members, investigating Batwoman, searching for the children, always, always searching for the children.

Maggie's whole world is her daughter. Kate's whole world is Batwoman. I just don't see things working out too well.

Maggie and Kate actually have a lot in common and the only thing really between them are their secrets. Maggie is guarded and defensive as a single mother in a high testosterone career. She seems willing enough to let Kate completely in but she has cases she can't talk about and her daughter is in another city with her dad and has yet to meet Kate. If her daughter were in Gotham, would Maggie have introduced them yet? I don't know. I think probably not yet because she knows Kate is still keeping too many things to herself. If it weren't for the things Batwoman has done to Maggie and the Gotham Police, I think Maggie would be glad to hear that she was Kate. They could be a couple and a team! But trust comes hard to both of these women. Both of them have fathers that have wounded them deeply in some way.

Maggie's mother didn't help much either.

While the DEO take over for the Gotham Police to try to stop the chaos of Medusa's Army, Maggie deals with the important stuff. She attends to the parents of the stolen children, keeping them from forming a mob and going out into the streets to get themselves killed by monsters and gang members. Maggie finds out that Felipe, the father of the children taken by La Llorona way back in Issue #1, has already gone out to find his children. Maggie saves him from gang members and then witnesses his encounter with La Llorona.

Medusa's army isn't dangerous because they're chaotic and unpredictable. They're dangerous because they believe the violent and chaotic things they're doing are righteous and necessary. Obvious statement is obvious. But this dangerousness is not the sole attribute of zealots. It's the blind spot in everybody.

This case has caused Maggie to feel failure to a degree she's never believed she could experience as the missing children continue to elude her. As a single mother, Maggie has believed that she would do anything to protect her child and, because of her determination, she could always manage to do so. But now she's learning otherwise. Even though it's other people's children at stake, her determination is no less. And it's still no help in rescuing these kids. She has been forced to kill, forced to ask DEO Agent Chase for help, forced to stop other parents from doing what is only natural and fighting for their children (something she would never allow someone to stop her from doing). And now she's witnessed a lost and angry and desperate dad forgive the monster that took his children. And Maggie still can't help any of these families. But she can't stop trying. She can only do what she can do and continue to help counter the chaos intruding on the lives of people just trying to live peacefully amid the darkness of Gotham.

Just as Maggie catches a glimpse of the children being led through the streets of Gotham in chains, the gigantic Killer Hydra appears. And then Batwoman and Wonder Woman fall out of the sky.

Batwoman #15 Rating: +2 Ranking. More people should be buying this book. Go get it now!