The Fury of Firestorm #12

What do the Rogue Firestorms have against two young men in love?

Last issue, Ronniestorm and Pozhar merged to become Scorn. This is something that Jasonstorm cannot abide. After arriving on scene to save his other half, Jason's jealousy takes over and he confronts Scorn, the being created by their merger. Inside Scorn and the Quantum Field, Ronnie cries in the corner after having been assaulted by Pozhar.

I said "Scorn" should have been called "Anal Rape"!

While being used and abused by Pozhar, Ronniestorm can't help thinking back on the way he and Jason used this space less brutally.

Squeal like a Firepig, boy!

Jasonstorm tries to rescue Rakshasi, the Indian Firestorm, from Scorn. Her powers have mysteriously been shut off and she's become defenseless. And then, in Jasonstorm's arms, she blows up and is incinerated. She was created by Zithertech and Zithertech just recalled her. Zithertech is about to be investigated by Congress so Director Zither (the woman with the half-Commander Cobra mask) has begun revoking the Firestorm protocols from all of the international Firestorms. And by revoking, I mean exploding them into jelly.

Ronnie's mom is simply worried about losing her free housing and food that doesn't look like dog dicks.

Back in Pakistan (or wherever this is occurring), Firehawk and Hurricane, the French and British Firestorms, join in the fight against Scorn. I don't know how much of a chance they stand when Zithertech can simply push a button and put them out of commission. I think only Ronnie, Jason, Pozhar, and the Rogue Firestorms are not under Zithertech's control.

I understand, Ronnie. I understand.

Jasonstorm tries to get Hurricane and Firehawk to back off because he doesn't want their protocols being shut off like Rakshasi's was. But he doesn't realize Zithertech is shutting them all off as a matter of course anyway. So pretty soon, Hurricane and Firehawk are nothing but dust in the wind.

With Firestorms dying all over the place, Ronniestorm (from inside of Scorn) reaches out to Jasonstorm. They need to reaffirm their love for each other so that Pozhar's unnatural attraction to Ronniestorm will be destroyed.

Through the power of love and destiny, they succeed!

Once Jasonstorm and Ronniestorm reconnect, Scorn dissipates. Ronnie and Jason find themselves on the ground and un-firestormed. Pozhar has disappeared. Ronnie can't take his eyes off of his arm which has suddenly come back. Out of their Firestorm personalities, they seem awkward and uncomfortable around each other. I guess their love is just too real to accept when they're back to their normal, high school forms. Although they do manage to walk off into the sunset together.

Unless that's Pozhar. Or the escaped Firestorm Protocol that Professor Stein gave to Jason which was released ineffectively in the battle against Scorn.

The issue ends with Firehawk reappearing and going nuclear on Director Zither. So maybe that spark was Firehawk and she survived when the Firestorm Protocol was opened during the battle. Zither and her company were done for anyway. After Firestorm #0, it's time for this book to take a new direction that doesn't involve a constant battle against terrorist states and nuclear nations.

The Fury of Firestorm: The Nuclear Men #12 Rating: No change. The book is much better as a love story. I'm glad this entire story arc is over with. Maybe Joe Harris can start up something interesting and super heroic in the next arc. Plus, that cover really, really, really, super really had nothing to do with the story inside.

I, Vampire #12

This cover holds no pathos or tension since it's been established that Andrew Bennett cannot die unless he chooses to die.

At the end of last issue, whichever protagonists were left were being overrun by a mob of Mummy Zombie Vampire Hunter Rednecks all yelling, "Reinforcements!" in unison. It was kind of ridiculous. Am I supposed to be worried that perhaps Tig or John might die? They just survived a plane crash and then a bomb exploding right next to them last issue, so I think they'll be okay no matter what happens. Mary isn't going to die any time soon since the entire comic seems to be a kind of never ending break-up between these two. Perhaps I should be worried for Stormwatch!

Jack, Apollo, and Midnighter have arrived to investigate the disappearance of an entire town. Jack felt it and apparently there was a lull in the protecting the universe game, so Stormwatch decided to head down and see what was up.

Midnighter is totally gay for Apollo, Jack. You know? Like how Portland is totally in love with Seattle? Except Apollo loves Midnighter back.

Apollo spots the residents of the suddenly vacant town a few miles away. He probably wouldn't be surprised to find out that they've all been turned into Mummies. Midnighter is just slightly surprised to find they're vampires.

Fuck basketball. Any sport where continuous fouling is part of a team's playbook should be considered a pseudo-sport. "Go in there and punch that asshole in the nuts to get the clock stopped! Hopefully he'll miss a free throw or two and we can get the ball back and get a three! Now go castrate that mother fucker!"

I just realized Stormwatch needs to be either really secretive while on missions or prepared to kill everyone on the scene. They no longer have Martian Manhunter to mindwipe witnesses. And the Projectionist is long gone so they can't manipulate the media into ignoring their exploits. I'm not even sure why they're dealing with this case except that DC Editorial probably demanded it. This isn't a threat to the world. It's just a big brawl in the desert. Perhaps Hawksmoor owed this town a favor. Also, I supposed Jenny Quantum is off doing homework. I bet she'd love all of this vampire drama.

Yeah, Jack! Trust him! His super power isn't knowing the plot to teen romance novels. His super power is knowing how to defend against and defeat any enemy he encounters. I'm pretty sure he's got this.

The vampires don't die from exposure to the sun but their heads explode when they bite Apollo. I kind of liked Apollo's plan to just let them all eat him. But what happens if one of the Mummy Zombies bites him? He's probably better off just sticking with the plan to kill Andrew Bennett.

Don't scoff at Lost Boy's rules! Earlier in the series, it was already established that was how it worked in this comic book too.

Even with a concentrated blast of Sunny D, Apollo can't kill Andrew Bennett. Bennett then mentions that he's trying to stop the zombies and Apollo instantly becomes his ally because comic books are only 20 pages now and what do you want? Pages of dialogue to make relationships believable or pages of zombies getting their heads cut off? Well DC doesn't care what the fuck you want so you're getting zombies getting their heads cut off!

I wonder if the editors at DC look at The Walking Dead and think, "You know what this comic book needs? Less fucking talking! Look at all of this goddamned characterization! What a waste of space. How come the zombies don't attack them every issue? How do they keep readers when the characters go ten issues sometimes without killing a zombie?"

This book has apparently decided that all Vampire Canon should just be thrown out. If you've heard a rumor about vampires, it's wrong! Pop culture told you something about them? Nope, different. Saw a vampire do something even in this reality? Hmm, you must have been seeing things. One of the things that seems quite different is how vampires are created. No transfer of blood. No consecutive nights of feeding until the victim is drained. Apparently all it takes is one simple bite.

Tig shows us how it's really done!

In the new DC Universe, Vampires act like zombies. And mummies act like zombies. And zombies act like zombies. And zombies zombies zombies. Zombie! Zombies? Yes! Zombies!

Once Tig is turned into a vampire, Andrew realizes that maybe he should get his friend John out of this dangerous situation. He grabs up John and flies to the top of a nearby mesa. Mary and Stormwatch join them to discuss zombie killing plans.

All DC's secret organizations suck at remaining secret. And since the loss of J'onn and The Projectionist, you might as well just give up on the whole idea.

So Stormwatch and a couple of ancient vampires can't figure out how to kill zombies but a bunch of crippled, tired, lost civilians in Walking Dead manage it every day. Maybe it's easier to deal with zombies when you have a gigantic rotating cast of characters, none of which are plot immune to being killed.

Midnighter suggests that since Andrew Bennett was once known as The Demon's Lock and once housed an ancient evil inside himself, that maybe he can do it again. Andrew agrees and he absorbs all of the evil magic infecting everyone in the area. Tig and all of the townsfolk and all of the vampires from earlier and all of the Van Helsings are instantly cured. Andrew has absorbed the magic that changed them. And one other person was devampirized: Mary. The only real problem with this solution is that all of the evil magic absorbed by Andrew Bennett has turned him into a raging, super magic, evil son-of-a-bitch Vampire Lord. And he's hungry. Or horny. It's hard to tell. Even in sign language it's practically the same movement!

Tig is the first course! Or first new vampire. Again, depending on if he's hungry or horny.

I, Vampire #12 Rating: No change. I was really losing interest in this title quickly. Most of this issue, I just couldn't wait to be done. It was definitely heading down the charts. But then Mary was turned human and I think that could actually move this comic book in the right direction. The Andrew becoming evil plot twist doesn't matter quite as much because I'm sure that'll be fixed in no time. But hopefully Mary will remain human. That should kill the incessant return to the "I love you so much but why won't you be evil like me" Mary Seward plot. Now it's gone all reversy time!

Batman: The Dark Knight #12

Oh Batman! Have you ever faced off against The Scarecrow without succumbing to his Fear Toxin? I'm beginning to think you get off on it.

Last issue ended with Batman being injected with Scarecrow's Fear Toxin while Batman was riding inside of a minecart beneath a ramshackle building where the Scarecrow was keeping Commissioner Gordon captive. It's probably not as silly or far-fetched as it sounds. Perhaps the only way to catch a genius like Batman in a trap is to make the trap really fucking ridiculous. So Scarecrow hides in a fridge on the porch with a cartoon shotgun. That's pretty nonsensical! Then he shoots Batman in the face when Batman decides to use the front door instead of crashing through a wall or a roof or a window like he would normally do because Batman's game is thrown off by the fridge on the porch. Then a trapdoor opens up in the front lawn and Batman falls through it into a mine cart which begins careening down tracks leading to who the fuck knows. And, of course, The Scarecrow has a trapdoor on the porch that allows him to drop directly on Batman and fill him full of chemicals. I might buy it if Grant Morrison were writing it!

That last line was a joke. Do I really have to explain that last line was a joke? I don't want people thinking that I seriously think a ridiculous scene would be better if written by a writer that usually comes up with terrific stuff (like having the Special Class in New X-Men! Genius!). What kind of a fanboy do you think I am?!

Apparently The Scarecrow's trap worked to perfection because this comic begins like this:

This Batman by Finch looks like something Simon Bisley would have drawn after eight scotches and being hit in the head by a two by four.

I've never quite understood why a villain would capture Batman like this and not unmask him. What the fuck is up with removing his shirt but leaving his cowl on? Some kind of stupid respect for the game between these two? I'm sure it will be explained away in a page or two. But I still find it ridiculous.

This issue is called "Mirror, Mirror." That doesn't inspire any hope in me that this will be anything but another "Look how similar Batman is to his crazy enemies" Batman story. The tragedy with Batman's parents is the biggest moment in Bruce's life. He loved them and was destroyed when they were taken away from him. But The Scarecrow's father tortured him constantly. My guess is Crane murdered his father at some point but still wants to make him proud. Batman will probably defeat Crane by using the similarities and differences between their relationships with their parents. Or maybe Batman will just put on some glasses and pretend he's Crane's father which will scare the shit out of Crane and he'll collapse in a blubbering heap.

Oh fuck me! It's explained away in the very next panel. And poorly! A locking mechanism! He should use the same mechanism on his shirt. I'm sure he uses it on his underwear.

Before Crane begins with his psychological fear experiments, he informs Batman that Gordon has been released. He was merely bait to collect the Bat.

That was my reaction too, Batman! This again! Maybe that means Hurwitz will change it up. Or it just means Hurwitz realizes he's treading the same old ground and thinks that having Batman realize it somehow pardons him of the offense.

I know the Scarecrow used to be a crazy psychologist (or psychiatrist. Whatever) so that's why he begins with wanting to discuss Batman's past. And the shadows of Batman's parents on the ground are likely caused by the Fear Toxin drugs still in Bruce's system. But the fact that Batman tells Crane, "I've dealt with my past," just seems batshit looney bins. Batman shouldn't be giving his enemies any clues to work with at all! Talking is bad, Batman! Just shut up and kick some ass. Now Crane is thinking, "A-ha! So there was something Batsy's past that he felt he needed to deal with!"

The next page confirms my speculations. The Scarecrow, of course, knows nothing about Batman's past. But it's a good bet to assume everyone had to deal with something. Batman becomes agitated and cries out, "You can't possibly know this! You can't see this!" And Crane agrees and says he doesn't care. He just cares how it feels. But again, Batman is just saying way too much. The Fear Toxin can be blamed for his mouthiness but I still can't believe that Batman went after The Scarecrow without a respirator or an antidote or something. Batman isn't the type to be caught going in overconfident. He fucking prepares for everything! Look over in Action Comics how he's bugging Superman! The fucking balls on that guy! But here he is, yet again shitting his batsuit in front of The Scarecrow.

Batman: "Hey, Alfred! I'm going to go catch The Scarecrow now!"
Alfred: "Yes, Master Bruce. I'll prepare the laundry."

See? Everyone is scared of something. The big twist is going to be Batman finding out what scares The Scarecrow.

After some flashbacks where Batman relives how much of a giant scaredy baby pantywaist he was, he turns the tables on The Scarecrow.

I think maybe Batman is still on that mine cart because this story line is on rails!

This story isn't satisfying my Batlust at all! And I love The Scarecrow. But since I'm being so negative, let's talk about something I like in the story.

Jonathan Crane's father would shove him in a tiny, dark pit to record his reactions to fear. So that's the big fear tie-in with The Scarecrow. He followed in his father's footsteps by studying fear as well. He also ended up testing unwilling subjects to learn as much as he can about fear. And a scarecrow is supposed to, you know, scare things! Crows, in particular! So that sort of ties-in to the fear experiments and all. But this image of what little Jonathan Crane would do when his father released him from the pit really ties it all together in a beautiful image.

I appreciate how he runs out to the most open space he can find after being confined by his father.

But then the comic hops right back on the manure truck. The shit express? The Space Shuttle of Diarrhea?

It's like Gregg Hurwitz read the first story arc of Batman: The Dark Knight and decided to rewrite it already! The first issue of this comic begins with Bruce Wayne declaring he will never be afraid. And then each subsequent issue exposes things that he fears. But forget all of those fears! Now the only thing Batman fears is fear!

The Scarecrow continues psychoanalyzing Batman by sheer speculation since he's not privy to any of Bruce's visions or memories. He finally decides that Bruce doesn't want to exist anymore. He doesn't want to feel loss or fear or pain. And that's pretty much how it ends.

The only way this comic can redeem itself is if next issue begins with Batman saying, "You'd like that, wouldn't you, Crane?" And then he punches Crane in the nose and says, "I'm so sick and tired of you criminals believing that there is a part of you inside of me. I'm not you. I'm not a scared little boy running from childhood trauma. I loved people who are gone now and I miss them but the memory of their death does not drive me to do what I do. The memory of their lives and who they were and what they stood for drives me. My butler Alfred reminds me every day that...oh shit! Well fuck. I guess I have to kill you, Doctor Crane!" The end!

Batman: The Dark Knight #12 Rating: No change. Maybe for a Reboot, this rehashed old Scarecrow story would fly for new readers. But, as I've said before, this is the third Scarecrow story in Batman titles so far this year. And the theme of fear is just a rehash of the theme of the first story arc in this same fucking title! Although I do like the look into the Scarecrow's past. I think that would give this book its own identity if each story really delved deeply into the criminal's story. But don't make every story the same old mirror of Batman shit. "Oh, look how similar Batman is to the Joker/Riddler/Penguin/Mad Hatter/Catwoman/Bane/Whatever."

Voodoo #12

The final battle? And since Voodoo says fighting is just like stripping...Oh boy! This issue is going to be fanboytastic!

In last issue, entitled "It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Europa", all of the key figures in the comic book had found themselves on Jupiter's icy moon. None of them seemed to care that the Obelisk had said to leave Europa alone. They just went ballooning and mad dashing and space shipping and flying all over the place looking for the fabled Blue Flame. Helspont needed somebody to retrieve the Blue Flame for him so he could refuel his head. But the Blue Flame wouldn't be so easy to nab! It was guarded by an army of Space Orks and two gigantic statues based on Roman soldiers.

Now the Space Orks had been avoiding the cave of the Blue Flame for centuries because the Roman Statues would smash them into Orc-Habanero Jam whenever they got too close. But that didn't stop Voodoo because she wields the power of Strip Fighting! She made it past and was just about to recover the Blue Flame when Priscilla her Evil Twin arrived to stop her. Pris got past the Centurions because they were busy genociding the Space Orks.

And now it's time for the exciting (possibly not exciting) conclusion of Voodoo, the best comic of The New 52 (possibly not even close to the best comic).

Oh, I don't know. I think there are a lot of single mothers and young girls working their way through college who might understand.

Voodoo begins the comic by thinking back to how hard her life had been doing Daemonite undercover work. I'm not exactly sure how being a stripper helped her gather information on all of Earth's superheroes. She simply would have learned that Green Arrow is grabby and Clark Kent is a lousy tipper.

Priscilla remembers that her life was shitty too! But hers was extra shitty because she was being held captive by The Black Razors after she'd been held captive and experimented on by the Daemonites. And she didn't even have a mission to keep her focused on other things. All she could focus on was revenge against someone. Eventually that someone became Voodoo which led her to punching Voodoo's face on Europa.

Voodoo is a bit meaner so instead of just punching Pris back she tries to tear her whole goddamned face off.

Another idiot that thinks Europa is a planet! I bet Voodoo knew a few strippers named Europa.

Pris doesn't want to kill Voodoo. She wants to rescue her because she sees her as the family she's always wanted. But she'd kind of be her sister and who wants a sister? My own sister was a selfish terror for most of my life growing up. She treated me like shit, constantly hit me, and did anything she wanted with no consideration for me or my feelings. Until one day when I was in 10th Grade and she was in 12th (yes, yes. It took me until I was fifteen to realize I didn't have to put up with this shit!) and I was watching Lionel Richie's "Hello" video on MTV (yes, yes, yes again. That video (along with Phil Collin's "Take a Look at Me Now" and Bonnie Tyler's "Total Eclipse of the Heart") understood my poor, breaking, young adolescent heart so well. Shut up. Anyway, I was watching the video when she came along and switched the channel. I yelled and whined and screamed and she just laughed and lay on the couch and just didn't fucking care. So I grabbed the remote control and punched her in her upper left arm. Not once. Not twice. Fuck if I know how many times I punched her over and over again. I shift in power was a palpable thing. Like an ancient black magic ritual had finally been completed, reality cracked and the sky broke open. It may have been my super villain origin that day. But I didn't just discover that I actually had some power in that relationship. My sister also became nicer and more caring. Maybe it was simply motivated by fear and terror but what the fuck did I care at that point? She was leaving me alone!

A few days later at school, some senior named Alex who loved Rush and sat next to me in Geometry lectured me about hitting girls because he saw the giant black bruise on my sister's shoulder. I allowed him the moment of righteousness because he just didn't understand the reign of terror I had lived under for so long. He couldn't see the golden light beaming out of the crack I'd opened up in the sky to bathe me in a resplendent golden aura of protection. I didn't blame him for seeing a different reality. And I didn't argue with him either. He was just a poor simpleton who loved Rush over Poison! What an idiot! (Yes, yes, yes, yes! I know! What a fucking tool I was!)

Back to Voodoo and Pris's fight, it never really went anywhere. At some point, they end up in a psychic space where they can actually speak with each other without throwing fists. I guess that's what it takes in the DC Universe to get two people to actually have a conversation. They have to be in a space where physical violence is disallowed.

It's a non-physical plane which accounts for all of the stair climbing that has to be done.

I don't really know a lot about the Daemonites but I think Voodoo's comment about them needing to involve is telling. Of course creatures need to die to evolve. Okay, technically that's not true. But they do have to reproduce sexually. You know, with two partners! Or three, if you're lucky. The dying is just a matter of keeping things fresh and romantic. So why don't Daemonites evolve? Are they a race created in a lab based on specific templates, like for Scouts and Warriors and such? If that's the case, they may not be able to evolve but can't they be made better through gene therapy? Oh! I guess that's why Voodoo mentions later that she and Pris "represent the evolution of their species." So it makes sense that they're created in a lab and not created through reproduction. But how would dying help them evolve? Perhaps it's just one of those prophecies that's not divine but created by a group with an agenda to change the basic power structure of the current regime (you know, like all prophecies!).

Helspont believes the change needs to happen and he's ready to destroy the Daemonites. But he also just wants revenge on the entire race, so his motivations aren't exactly pure. But he wants to take over Earth in the process. The rest of the Daemonites just want to take over Earth because they believe it will help them reach the next stage in their development because it has such a high propensity for creating super heroes. Either way, the Earth is fucked.

After Pris and Voodoo are separated from their mindscape, Voodoo calls Pris a liar. Apparently Voodoo doesn't subscribe to the notion that a person cannot lie in pure mind space! It doesn't matter if I just made that notion up or not. Voodoo still doesn't subscribe to it. She shoves Pris away and grabs the Blue Fire! Or Blue Flame! Or Blue Blazes. Apparently it doesn't make her the super woman she wants it to because she's knocked out by the nearly dead Mol Stone. His minions drag her away and he dies. leaving the Blue Thing for Pris. Then she and Alex make their escape.

Someone was up late watching Raiders of the Lost Ark while finishing the Voodoo script!

The team (minus those jokers Finch and Wanker) make it back to the ship and Voodoo commands it to take off. They've escaped and they didn't even invoke the wrath of the ancient black obelisk. Lucky! Pris can no longer feel Voodoo in her head. Apparently when their mental link was broken earlier, it was completely destroyed. Lincoln and his Black Hawks Razors failed to capture Voodoo but they did recover the Blue Thing so that Helspont couldn't get his hands on it. They all head back to Earth while Voodoo remains a captive on Europa. My guess is that she'll soon be the leader of the Europan Space Ork camp. Stormwatch will probably have to kick her ass in a few months.

Back on Earth, Pris has some choices to make.

"So Lincoln, what do we do now?" "Oh, well, we can...." "No, fuck you and your cancelled Black Hawks. I'm heading over to the soon to be cancelled Grifter!"

Pris continues to train with the Black Razors while Lincoln heads off to hand over the Blue Thing to some secret shadowy individual. The figure says, "We'll be sure to put it to good use," so it must be part of a team. It's too muscular and doesn't have a cigarette in its hand, so it's not Constantine. It could be Superman but I think he'd say something about keeping it safe over putting it to good use. It might be going to a member of Team 7. That's probably the best bet since I'd expect it to go to a government black ops organization and they're not handing this thing over to Suicide Squad.

And then on Europa...

Well that was fast.

Voodoo #12 Rating: No change. I'm not sure this comic received a fair shake. Perhaps it wasn't selling well under the first writer, Ron Marz, but to have editorial hear another writer has a good idea so they allow him to come in and ignore the first six issues or so, change the whole characterization of Voodoo, kill off all of the characters from the first arc, and create a whole new agenda should never be the answer. DC's editorial staff simply has no respect for their readership. How dare we get stories with consistent characters that build off of past stories to create a cohesive and interesting world? No, no. Instead, let's do whatever we can to make our entire Universe seem more realistic even at the expense of good storytelling. I understand a comic needs to make money for it to stay on the shelves but I can't belabor the point enough: good stories and good art sell fucking comic books. I'll see you in Issue #0, Voodoo, so I can learn the secret origin of how you became a stripper!

Superman #12

More Hentai! Look at those tentacles fuck that portal!

Last issue, Superman has his super ass handed to him by a Predator. Now Superman doesn't have anything to be ashamed of since a lot of people have been beat up by Predators. He might feel a little bit embarrassed that it's 2012 and he's in a Versus Predator comic book. It's interesting that the Predator hasn't made a cover though. Perhaps Dark Horse does retain the rights to Predator which is why he hasn't appeared on the cover. What Dark Horses' lawyers don't know can't hurt DC!

It's possible that the Predator from last issue is the Gobot version. It's the cheap knock off that unfeeling bastard parents bought you at K-mart because it looked close enough to them.

My Mother: "Look at all of these transforming robots! They're all so expensive."
My Mother: "Oh, look at this little one. It must be a baby Transformer. And it's much cheaper! I'll get him this guy."
Me after opening the Gobot: "Oh look. A Gobot. Thanks mom. Now I have a car that looks like a robot which can turn into a robot that still looks like a car."
My Mother: "You're welcome!"
Me: "Razzafrazzin argle bargle mutter mutter mutter."

Life in Metropolis continues as normal while Clark has mysteriously disappeared overnight.

How did Jimmy manage to hide his erection wearing simply a towel? How do I know he had one? He's talking to a woman while wearing only a towel!

Now how does this work? Lois ran off to cover the Russia story and returned home a few hours later. Why is that? Was the part where Superman suddenly showed up at the scene of the catastrophe not worth covering? Or did Lois just find out she couldn't get any information out of any of the dead Russians on the scene? The living ones were all busy yelling at Superman to give interviews. It just seems odd that the catastrophe at the Russian site would set all of their cell phones to ringing but Superman making an appearance wouldn't keep at least Lois on the story all night.

My actual guess is that Lois's early night home is related to my first thought on the subject: why did they all have to rush off to report on some event in Russian? I'm sure Lois arrived at The Daily Planet and found no other information was available. She probably made a bunch of calls to Russian contacts for a few hours, came up with nothing, and went home.

Clark never came home though because he was busy getting the scoop on the Russian Facility's catastrophe!

Why is it milking Superman's crotch?

Okay, so the thing has a tail. That means it's a Predator Gobot. But you're not fooling anybody, Dan Jurgens! Everything in several miles around where it arrived was dead. It's fast, deadly, and can turn invisible (I'm making an assumption about that since Superman couldn't see it when he scanned the town even though he saw every dead human and their pets). It's also loaded with weapons and has a Predator mask complete with dreads. Although looking at it in the above panel, I think it might be half Predator, half Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.

Superman watches as Leonardo da Predator uses the equipment inside the nuclear reactor to open a gateway. Superman jumps to a conclusion he might not have jumped to if he only knew the title of this story is "Home."

Maybe it didn't like being rudely ripped out of its dimension, Superman? Maybe it's just scared and frightened and fighting for its own survival until it can get home? You're just as paranoid as the Russians who wanted to keep you out of their business.

Superman breaks free and instead of attacking Predatoratello, he waits until the creature notices he's escaped. It's at that moment that he launches his mediocre surprise attack!

Meanwhile, the Russians are enacting Plan B-Z (basically, the only plan they have when Plan A flips them off, yells, "I hate you both!", and stomps out of the house in its big, angry, rebellious boots): Nuke the area!

Back to the action part of the comic as opposed to the men wondering how they can bury their fuck-up underneath piles of lies and roentgens, Michaelpredatorelo has been speaking actual gibberish in his "Old Portugese [sic]" language. I bet the editors finally cracked down on the letterer making (Gobot) Predator quote fucking Sheldon and Disney Fairy Godmothers. Superman's translator doesn't seem to work on DC's fake language, so he just says the usual shit as he pummels the alien: "I wasn't really trying before!" and "I underestimated you!" and "I'm just as fast and powerful as you are! Nyah!" Superman might be right about all of those things. But it appears Supes isn't quite as observant.

Watch out! Those Great Old Ones will sneak right up on you!

Speaking of Great Old Ones, Simon and Garfunkel's "Sound of Silence" came up on my Nano at work tonight. I never realized how Lovecraftian that song sounds. It especially sounds like it's narrated by Randolph Carter on one of his dream journeys and the creatures and people he encounters.

Superman blasts the tentacles back into the void with his heat vision and then knocks the helmet off of the creature.

Well now this is just getting confusing! Now it just looks like Killer Croc. Or Spidey's foe from Marvel, Doctor Lizard.

It turns out the helmet lets the crocman breathe. Superman only discovers this through observation and detective work. No, no! Just kidding! He knocks a translator out of the alien's hand believing it's a weapon and then notices the creature is having a hard time breathing so he fiddles with the device and turns on the translator. The creature asks for Superman's help and even though the creature just murdered every cat in town, Superman gives the creature back its breathing apparatus.

Now that Superman can speak with it, he stops punching it in the face. And he quickly learns that he was acting like a complete xenophobe.

Most of DC's heroes are filled with fear and resort to violence before assessing any given situation.

The alien tries to explain to Superman that it was just defending itself and it doesn't owe anybody any explanation for killing the people it has killed. It was kidnapped from its home dimension and some people were hurt. But Superman still believes justice must be served.

Fucking Superman. Either treat it like a wild animal and kill it or realize it was seriously fucked by Russia and help it get home. Then blame the Russians for all of the chaos.

Whatever the choice, it might all be for naught since the Russian Nuke is begin dropped in a matter of seconds.

When the nuclear missile hits, Superman gets away just in time since he heard it coming. And the alien escapes into the portal leading to its home world. I take it nuclear radiation can harm Superman. Or he at least fears that it can. Maybe he's afraid it'll mutate him and then how will Clark Kent explain the tentacles coming out of his ass.

Superman flies back to Metropolis and spends some time thinking about the similarities between himself and the alien. Like how they're both aliens. And how they both ended up on Earth. And I think that's it. But Superman realizes how lucky he is that he fits in so well on Earth. So he decides to take advantage of his human looks and his physique powered by the sun to bang Lois's sister. But first he needs to impress her with a little bungee jumping.

Finding out Clark is willing to Bungee Jump has given Lois a mild stroke in the grammar part of the brain.

I make those kinds of errors that Jurgens (or the letterer!) made in Lois's speech bubble all of the time. Especially doing this commentary stream-of-conscious style as I'm reading the comic in real time. I don't go back to punch up the writing or fix any errors when I'm done although I probably should! I do edit the pieces and fix any errors a month later when I read my commentary before reading the next issue! I'm sure Jurgens first had the sentence read, "Weren't you voted least likely to Bungee Jump?" And then he felt he needed to clarify who was doing the voting, so he added the senior class part and forgot to change the verb. I've probably done that two or three times in this post alone!

Then the issue ends with Clark Kent bungee jumping. Or flying while he's pretending to bungee jump. I guess flight is an on/off power since he can walk around just fine. Unless he's always just kind of resistant to Earth's gravity. Or can he only fly because he owns a Legion Flight Ring? I think that might be the case since he was only leaping in Action Comics. And then he learned to fly in the story where he first met Cosmic Boy and Lightning Lad, and Damsel Girl. Whatever the case, I'm sure he survives.

Superman #12 Rating: No change. My prediction is that Superman will drop a rank or two because Lobdell is writing Superman #0! I can't wait for that shit fiesta!

New Guardians #12

I hope the great lie is that Earth only has one Green Lantern and the others are illusions that will instantly disappear. Of course Guy Gardner would be the real Lantern. Although John Stewart would be an acceptable alternative.

Last issue, Sayd actually revealed half of the lie. She was the one that organized the ring stealing incident that brought all of these assholes together. But before she could explain why, Invictus had arrived to eat Larfleeze's balls. So pardon the gigantic fight before anything else gets explained.

No no no! I was just kidding about the big fight! Tell me the secret!

Invictus keeps calling himself an archangel and maybe that's what he is. Perhaps every system has a bunch of powerful angels that muck with the different worlds. Or maybe they were just a very powerful race which Larfleeze nearly destroyed. An earlier issue told the history of Invictus and now I've forgotten it. I think Larfleeze killed the archangels to gain their power except their power went to the other archangels instead. So Invictus has the power of all of his fallen comrades which is why Larfleeze wanted to kill him too. So he could finally get the power. Look at that! I remembered!

Oh, my point being: Invictus has now become much too powerful for any of the Lanterns to destroy. So they're going to take him down together. I hope he isn't immune to rainbows.

Invictus arrives and instantly begins choking the life out of Larfleeze. The other Lanterns stand around and chit chat. Nobody but Kyle really wants to help out. I guess Fatality probably does since she loves everyone. And Munk is made of compassion or something, so he probably wouldn't mind stepping in. Unless he feels compassion for Invictus since Larfleeze was the asshole who started this rivalry a billion years ago. But Kyle eventually points out that without an Orange Lantern, the Rainbow Corps might as well be the Rainbow Corpse and they all have a good laugh and dunk their biscuits in their tea. Then they dab the corners of their mouths with their cloth napkins and begin beating the crap out of Invictus.

The only reason the Weaponer of Qwaard is with them is because Arkillo promised he could have the Orrery. So the Weaponer doesn't care at all about the fight with Invictus. He just wants to get his hands on the prize. So he feeds Kyle a big fat lie about some kill switch bullshit.

It has to be bull! "Every weapon that powerful has to have a kill switch." Pfft! Inanity!

The Lanterns distract Invictus long enough for the Weaponer's plan to take effect.

Of course, his plan isn't going to help them any!

Of course the Weaponer is doing his own thing! I'll bet the Don't Come line every single time Kyle Rayner is throwing the dice. What I'm trying to say is: he's not very observant or intelligent or good at strategy. But I hear he's really stubborn!

Wait a minute! Hold on a second! What happened to Kyle Rayner's Rainbow Power? Is he ever going to use that again? Maybe to defeat Invictus? He must have absorbed all of the rings for a reason. I think the only power he didn't get was Orange. Perhaps he still needs to absorb Larfleeze's ring before he can defeat Invictus. I just think he'll never deal with that rainbow power ever again.

I was wrong! The Weaponer's plan actually did help them although he didn't mean for it to help. The Weaponer steals the Orrery and begins flying it away. The further it gets from Invictus, the less power it can give him. Kyle and Saint Walker destroy Invictus's statue which keep him from teleporting back to the ship. He loses more and more power and eventually falls unconscious. Larfleeze seizes his chance to turn Invictus into one of his Orange Corps members but his ring suddenly fails him.

It's because every ring screams, "LET ME OUT!" Hal's ring was doing that as well. And maybe Guy's and John's too. Whatever it is, it'll be dealt with in the Green Lantern Annual. Meanwhile, Sayd the Guardian finally tells the other half of the secret about the rings.

Kyle is the angriest, greediest, most fearsome, stubborn, hopeful, compassionate, and loving person in the Universe? Get outta here!

The big reveal merely gives all of the non-Green Lanterns an excuse to leave. They never wanted to be a team in the first place, so it wasn't like they were going to stick together. But now they're able to blame it on Sayd founding the whole project on a lie and they all leave with a clear conscience that the Guardian is to blame. Fuck, the Guardian is always to blame so I don't blame them at all! I'd leave too.

The New Guardians #12 Rating: -1 Ranking. The big reveal was a big let down. Sayd had a sudden impulse to form the Rainbow Corps when she felt Ganthet lose his emotions? That's it? The Rainbow Corps was formed on a whim? Well, maybe whatever Rainbow Corps is formed in Issue #0 will stick. So many of these team books are just really lengthy set-ups to explain why any of these characters would ever consider working together. And then they don't even end up working together because even the writer felt his reason to keep them together wasn't good enough! This same thing happened in Milligan's Justice League Dark as well, although Lemire came through and fixed it up nicely. Teen Titans are still considering whether or not they're a team. The Ravagers keep bickering and fighting. Can't some of these comics just start with the heroes meeting up in a local Green Gryphon and being forced into a party together just to get the fucking game comic started?

Teen Titans #12

Who's ready for a fifteen page Teen Titans story followed by five pages of stupid teenaged dinosaurs!?

 

Since I haven't even opened the comic book yet, I can't know for sure that the Teen Titans story is only fifteen pages long. But I'm pretty sure Kid Flash told me that the Dinosaur Love Triangle story would be continuing in this comic book, so it's a pretty fair guess. I'm just sad that we won't get a full fifteen pages to learn about Diesel. Although his motivation was spelled out nicely on the cover here so Lobdell won't need to go into the backstory much inside the comic book.

Last issue, Wonder Girl had beaten the crap out of Kid Flash, Bunker, and Solstice. Superboy and Red Robin had just arrived on the scene to see her pleading for help. Somehow in all of this, that guy Diesel is involved.

Jesus fucking jelly beans. This issue begins exactly like Superboy #12!

Except it's not setting up a joke where he ends up dancing in a club. But the narration is utilizing the exact same device as the first page of Superboy.

Somebody at DC has got to call a meeting of all of the worst writers (if they don't want to hurt any feelings, they should just call a meeting of all the writers that worked for Marvel for years and are now working for DC. Because it looks like Marvel just jettisoned all of their worst talent at some point and they ended up in the New 52). Explain to them that comic books tell an ongoing story. When you begin the script for a new issue, you don't have to think of it as starting a new story all over again. You don't need to figure out some opening to get the story moving. Don't give an oral report on the way history tells us many things. Don't explain that Superboy has been through a lot and his training can't help him now. Don't fill the first page with one gigantic static image and a bunch of Narration Boxes which sound like a tenth grader's opening paragraph of a comparison/contrast essay.

Also, I love that Superboy "was created to be nothing less than the WORD'S most powerful living weapon." It's just so Biblical! And meta!

Let me interrupt myself for a moment to point out the meta joke to all of the people who aren't reading every single entry in my blog. See, over in Red Hood and the Outlaws, Scott Lobdell has Roy Harper telling a story where Roy suddenly says, "And this is where it gets meta!" But it doesn't get meta there at all. I'd also like to point out that these commentaries I'm writing are all pieces of a whole. They flow from one to the next because I draw on things I've written or read previously. Sure, some of the commentaries are simply a synopsis of the comic I just read and aren't very interesting. So if you read something that you don't understand, don't blame me for not explaining it! Blame yourself for being too lazy to read my previous stuff!

Now that I've just chastised any readers reading so that they're now muttering, "Fuck you, you arrogant prick," right now and hitting the back button on their browser, let's continue!

Last issue ended in Red Robin's penthouse apartment in Lexcorps Towers. But this one begins in Central Park?

Or did Cassie somehow transform the apartment into a forest? I guess I could defend the comic and say they've moved down to the park since Cassie busted Superboy in the chops. But why should I be filling in the gaps and doing the work of the writer and artist? Also, don't worry if you can't read that text. I just scanned that to show the trees around them.

Reading a bit further into the confrontation, it looks like a lot more time has passed than Superboy showing up and getting punched down into the park. The next panel I scan is sort of an attempt to explain that but I think it's also a NAMBLA joke. NAMBLA. Do they still exist? For you Tumblr kiddies that believe everyone needs to accept everyone else, NAMBLA stands for North American Man/Boy Love Association. Holy Shub-Niggurath, it still exists.

See? I think Superboy is accusing Tim of being more than friends with Alfred!

At the end of last issue, Cassie was pleading for help. So it looks like between the end of last issue and the beginning of this one, Tim Drake made a phone call.

Tim Drake: "Hello, Alfred? It's Tim."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Oh. tim. Been enjoying New York's waffles?"
Tim Drake: "Oh, come on Alfred! I always enjoyed your waffles!"
Alfred Pennyworth: "Really now? Do you actually think Master Bruce wouldn't have bugged your penthouse to keep an eye on you and make sure your safe? I heard your little conversation with Master Todd."
Tim Drake: "*sigh* Alfred, I'm sorry. But what do you do the batter? Jerk off into it?"
Alfred Pennyworth: "If you don't like the way it's always been done in the Pennyworth clan, you didn't have to eat it, you know."
Tim Drake: "Oh God. Wait. Let me vomit on Kid Flash's face here. Just a sec."
Alfred Pennyworth: "I'll get Master Bruce. tim."
Tim Drake: "No no! I called to speak with you, Alfred! I need a secluded place to take my friend Wonder Girl and I was wondering...."
Alfred Pennyworth: "Say no more. Say no more. You can take her to my family's cabin up in the Catskills. I must say I am surprised though. I thought it more than likely you'd end up with Bunker. Good day."

After the phone call, Red Robin and Superboy packed up Cassie and took her to the cabin for some Silent Greek Armor detox. They left Solstice, Kid Flash, and Bunker in a motel on the New Jersey turnpike. For some reason.

Red Robin and Superboy are trying to find a way to remove the armor from Cassie. When she's completely encased in it, she wants to be called Wonder Girl and she acts like a gigantic asshole. They'd rather have the girl who hates being called Wonder Girl and acts like a gigantic asshole.

"Your Inertron is based on pure science while my armor is based on retarded fiction! YOU CAN'T WIN!"

Red Robin slices open the armor with his Inertron wings because they're even harder than the other fake metal of the other universe, Adamantium. With the gap in the armor, Superboy inserts his penile tactile telekinesis and begins ripping the armor from Cassie's body. Once the armor is gone, Cassie thanks them for helping her. But then Diesel shows up. He paralyzes Red Robin and Superboy with a gas (that's a new one! But still the same Lobdell trick. Any hero can be incapacitated with barely any reason given just to get them out of the way) so that Diesel can now steal what's left of Cassie's power while the armor is gone. And then he armors up with his own evil world ending armor and takes off.

Robin and Superboy come to and Cassie calls Red Robin and Superboy stupid for helping her. Geez! There's no pleasing this woman! Even though the armor is killing her, she apparently needs to be wearing it to counteract Diesel's world destroying magic Angkor Wat armor. Since it's invisible and Superboy tore it off of her, I'm not sure how they'll find it. But they have an extra month to look for it since Issue #0 comes out next.

And then the Teenaged Dinosaur back-up story stabs me in the face with its pure stupidity. Not like I wasn't expecting it! I was already in a pretty good defensive posture from having just read Teen Titans, so the damage is minimal. Although when Kid Flash arrives late to the fight saying he was "figuring out how to DVR 'Pretty Little Liars', it seems a bit ridiculous. I'm sure that's just a joke and a way that he can impress Teryx with the knowledge that he watches that show but it still just makes Kid Flash sound stupid. He's super duper duper super fast and he's late because he couldn't figure out how to hit two buttons: program guide, record.

Aside from that moment, there's not much else. Steg and Dac are creating an army of dinosaur things to take over the world. Eventually they'll be back to fight The Ravagers. Come on! Something this stupid has to end up in the stupidest book of The New 52, right?

Teen Titans #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. It gets a downgrade because of the lame change in locales for no real reason and for the five pages of Teenaged Dinosaurs that would have actually been better used for advertising.