Blue Beetle #12

Paco's name is Blood Beetle? Why not Red Beetle? Or Doctor Beetle! I'm just going to call him Doctor Beetle, M.D.

Paco has once again flipped out and turned into Doctor Beetle, M.D. because he was poked and prodded too much by Mister Bones at the DEO. I'm really surprised that the Scarab attached to Blue Beetle's back contained an even scarier Scarab inside it that was meant to heal the host. But once it cut loose from Blue Beetle, it decided to take over Paco and now it thinks it's mission is to take over the Earth for the Reach. What kind of an upstart is this thing? It's simply a band-aid with delusions of grandeur!

Paco has a super crush on Brenda (and who can blame him? Woo woo!), so even as Doctor Beetle, M.D., he feels the need to find her. He threatens to kill Mister Bones and since Mister Bones would rather not be killed, Bones tells Doctor Beetle, M.D., where Brenda is being held captive.

Oh come on, DEO! Shouldn't you have confiscated her clothing for safety reasons? And forced her to wear Harley Quinn's old costume for, um, other safety reasons and not because I think she would look sexy in it?

Meanwhile, Jaime has headed back to his Grandmother's apartment. Since she knows it's him with the help of the fortune teller that lives across the hall, Jaime finally has a safe place to go. He manages to convince the Scarab not to kill his grandmother, somehow. I think it somehow understands familial relations after getting a quick lesson looking at family photos before Jaime's grandmother arrives. Plus she doesn't really look like much of a threat.

Ah! Bugsuit! She's attacking him! Why isn't it killing her? How does it know hugs are okay, especially when she's got a flame in her hand!

The fortune teller across the hall informs Jaime that his friends were recently there looking for him. He has the scarab lock in on the healing scarab's location. As it does this, it realizes that Doctor Beetle has been reactivated! I don't really think that should be a big deal! The Healing Scarab is subservient to the Blue Scarab. I wish the Blue Scarab would find a way to calm down the goddamn healing scarab so Paco can just act normal again.

Blue Beetle tracks down Paco and Brenda. While he's approaching, Brenda distracts Doctor Beetle with her super duper feminine charms and freckles.

Who can blame him? I don't know why Doctor Beetle, M.D., isn't totally nuts for her too!

Blue Beetle rescues Brenda and calls her by name as he does. Now is the Scarab going to have to kill Brenda too? And if she figures out Blue Beetle is actually Jaime, then she'll know Jaime smacked the shit out of her a few issues ago. And she'll believe that Jaime caused her Tita to disappear (which he kind of did. A little bit). So it might be better if she never knows that Jaime is Blue Beetle.

While Blue Beetle is distracted, Doctor Beetle blasts him in the head with his red rock candy power and then zaps him with a near death ray. The Scarab is beginning to get a little demanding with Jaime and is insisting he use deadly force against his friend Paco.

Jaime refuses. Paco will die if the Doctor Beetle is removed. But the Earth will be destroyed if Paco isn't killed. Earlier, Jaime gave he Scarab a brief lesson in Jesus Christ which will cause the following panels to make more sense.

The Scarab can do heart transplants during combat?

Blue Beetle pulls the Doctor Beetle out of Paco's chest and smashes it! I knew it was just a weaselly little thing that could easily be defeated! It then manages to reach into Paco's chest and heal Paco's heart using some of Jaime's heart muscle material. It might have been more technical than that but the bottom line is Paco is finally better and no more Scarab Sidekick threatening to destroy the world anymore. And everybody lives happily ever after!

Especially Paco who gets to hug Brenda while he's in his underwear.

Blue Beetle #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm not sure why the Scarab was so impressed with the Jesus when he really only got the Cliff's Notes version of the Cliff's Notes version of the Cliff's Notes Version of Jesus's life from Jaime. I'm pretty sure he just thought his beard was really cool. Whatever the case, I'm glad Jaime has a safe house with his Abuela and that she knows his secret. That'll help stabilize him and the comic. Plus it'll be nice if rich Brenda sticks around. She might get some wrapped in a towel freshly out of the shower scenes.

DC Universe Presents #12: Kid Flash

The hardest part about a Flash/Kid Flash story is making it believable. They should be able to overcome any enemy as long as their foes don't also have super speed.

For those intelligent people refusing to read Teen Titans until Scott Lobdell is replaced as writer, let me give some background on this story. In the pages of Teen Titans (as the cover states), Kid Flash was out getting Chinese Food when some half-dinosaur, half-teenaged kids come out of Danny the Alley and get up to no good. Luckily Kid Flash is there to stop them! But too bad he couldn't stop them in the eight pages the story was allowed in the back of Teen Titans! Now they had to waste a whole issue of DC Universe Presents on it!

Oh look! Kid Flash gives the readers a summary on page one.

Thanks for the help, Bart Allen!

I captioned that panel with that Bart Allen bullshit because there's too much to talk about in that panel for it all to be underneath in bold text. First off, "those very few" not following his adventures? There is no shame in that! Don't be guilted into thinking you're missing a fantastic title by Bart Allen's hyperbole! Teen Titans is an awful title right now. This is primarily because Scott Lobdell is writing the series and he was never meant to be a writer. Maybe he dreamed of being a writer some day. But when a guy sends in scripts to Marvel that are rejected by Tom DeFalco, another crappy writer, you know he stinks. So don't think you should give Teen Titans a chance just because DC is using DC Universe Presents as a commercial to try to swell its numbers.

Second, N.O.W.H.E.R.E.'s base was in the Antarctic, not the Arctic. Hey, Scott Lobdell, Tom DeFalco, and Fabian Nicieza! Here's an elementary school website that helps explain the differences: Arctic versus Antarctic. They are not the same! Stop using them interchangeably. My guess is that someone someday will realize how many times this mistake was made across multiple issues and retcon some idiot explanation.

Third, how the hell was Mystery Island a "land made from jigsaw patches of different places and points in time"? The only thing they encountered there were dinosaurs! If I were Kid Flash, I would have described it as an island that time forgot! You know, like that war in G.I. Combat? The way he describes it makes me think Mystery Island is an old staple of DC that has been used before. The way it was used in Teen Titans, I never would have guessed they could have stumbled upon old west gunslingers or some rocket pack packing future people.

Fourth, if Kid Flash and the rest of the Titans realize that Danny the Alley is actually Danny, then I want to see them visiting him occasionally! That would be entirely super duper crazy fucked up if they just forget about him and leave him to a life of stray cats, overflowing dumpsters, and pissed on walls.

Fifth, nice of a writer to begin stating that continuity doesn't matter. A comic book like DC Universe Presents would be a great place to tell tales out of continuity. A place where writers could go no holds barred and just forget that their story takes place in DC's new world building environment. But of course that won't happen and saying "continuity doesn't matter" isn't true. It's just a clever way of saying, "This story is a silly bit of fluff that doesn't really mean anything." Which I'm not against! I'm ready to read a fun story from DC, believe me! I'm just not sure "Dinosaur Teenagers" fits the Hadrosaur's bill. I mean the bill on his baseball cap since he's a teenager! Ha ha! Dinosaur humor!

Just one more question before I begin reading the actual story:

What the hell does this mean?! Is Scott Lobdell a genocider?! Maybe Fabian is calling him a Neanderthal? I'm super curious!

Fabian Nicieza wasn't kidding when he said forget continuity. Kid Flash is chasing after the Pterodactyl girl and filling nine large Narration Boxes with comments about teenage girls ignoring him and how hot the pterodactyl girl is and how fighting with her probably means destroying a possible romance with her. Kid Flash definitely isn't thinking like a normal teenaged boy that's just begun a romantic encounter with a smoking, black naked super chick. Perhaps his romantic feelings pass just as quickly as everything else for him. Or his ADHD causes him to forget about Solstice while he's trying to nail the dinosaur girl.

Even in Kid Flash's Narration Boxing, Nicieza drops any thought about continuity. He thinks (or Narration Boxes, to be more accurate, since the boxes don't work at all like thought bubbles used to): "And is it even the least bit odd she speaks English?" And then when he begins speaking to her, knowing she speaks English, he says, "Fight's over. No mas! Me: Friend. You speakezie English, right?" What the hell is wrong with this kid? I think he might be a bit unraveled from time travel and running fast. I should probably give him a break.

Turns out Dinosaur girl speaks English, French, Italian, German, Mandarin, and Japanese. I do appreciate that she says she's "conversant" in these languages and not fluent. Unlike that Siobhan over in Supergirl who says she's fluent in Kryptonian but whenever she speaks it, she's always all "Ye this" and "Ye that" and "shillelagh begorah" and "blarney leprechaun." Although maybe by saying conversant, she actually means she's pretty much fluent. She speaks really well the English, yes?

Kid Flash kind of makes friends with this girl called "Dac." He continues to hit on her because he's just a maja playa like that. I don't blame him though. She is kind of hot in a "pterodactyl ate her head" kind of way.

So is she just a normal girl living in the skin of a dinosaur?

But before Kid Flash can get out of the batter's box, he's attacked by her friend, Teryx. Kid Flash's impression of him makes no sense.

Kid Flash learned how to Narration Box at Grifter's School of Profound Nonsense and Seemingly Understandable Inanity.

Basically, he's cool because he seems like a rugged man? Is that how to interpret that thought full of stereotyping and gender-related hate speech? Is Kid Flash saying "men" need to be a certain way to be "cool"? You're not going to earn many intelligent, life-long friends with those kinds of thoughts, Kid. So it's good they're just thoughts. Keep 'em to yourself, buddy!

Dac jumps in to stop the fight since she was busy flirting with Kid Flash. Well, she was telling him how many languages she spoke which is pretty impressive! That could be interpreted as flirting, right?

Dac's costume really is super cute. Silly and impractical, but cute.

Dac calms everyone down and Kid Flash rushes off to find their third friend, Steg. He manages to find him hassling some customers in a Chinese restaurant which has lizards in terrariums in the dining room. He's pretty pissed off about this for some reason and he releases a gas that transforms the lizards into man-sized dinosaurs. Kid Flash arrives a bit too late to stop him and ends up fleeing from the roomful of carnivores.

I actually like this bit here. Notice no Narration Boxes to get the point across? That's because I cut it out of that top panel. Not. Needed.

Teryx explains that Steg is a dino-supremacist which explains why he flipped the fuck out in the Chinese restaurant. But Dac says it's not so simple. He's just smart and misunderstood. And in the space of the last ten minutes that Kid Flash has spent around them, he comes to a conclusion.

Wow, Bart. You're so observant.

(continuing from the caption) Except this comic hasn't shown any of that so far! Dac has defended Steg but she also showed how much she cared for Teryx when she held him and helped him out when Kid Flash pummeled him. So this conclusion really just comes out of nowhere. But now that the writer has told me that there is a love triangle going on here (actually, to be a true love triangle, Steg needs to be in love with Teryx), I feel all sad and heartbreaky and melancholic for poor Teryx and the forlorn position he's in. cri cri.

Teryx tries to help Kid Flash stop Steg but when they find him on a nearby roof with Dac, Steg has thrown his sack of dinosaur-making gas on a street light across the way. Teryx warns if the sack is ripped by Steg shooting one of his manticore barbs into it, it'll douse hundreds of people and change them into monsters. Steg shoots at the sack and while Kid Flash is picking the barbs out of the air at super speed, Dac and Steg disappear underground. Seems they lied to Teryx and they were basically eloping away from the Mysterious Mystery Island of Mysteries. Teryx decides it's his mission to stop them and keep them from causing any harm. Kid Flash realizes he needs to report to the Teen Titans and they need to stop the other dinosaurs Steg created as they rampage across New York.

He's being serious. You really are a masochist if you're currently reading Teen Titans.

DC Universe Presents #12 Rating: -2 Ranking. I'm dropping this title two ranks to show my extreme disapproval for it being used in this way. This was really just an advertisement for people not reading Teen Titans to try to bring them over to read that book. This tale could have been told in Teen Titans since they've been doing short stories and short-short back-up stories in Lobdell's books lately anyway. It's an awful idea with dumb creatures that should never have made it's way into this book.

Batman #12

I knew Batman received his powers through black magic rituals.

The Court of Owls story arc is finally over so that's all there is to be said about that. Over. Finally over! It was good but...man! Finally over!

The story begins in the sewers with Harper Row, the girl who shocked Batman back to life when she dragged him from the icy rivers after he escaped the labyrinth underneath Gotham during the Court of Owls story! I'm still not sure who she is but I think she may have had some kind of important role during the Pre-52 universe. Perhaps she was to Batman as Bibbo was to Superman. Or as Sixpack was to Hitman! Whoever she is, it looks like she's just going to get a one-shot storyline here to catch the reader up on how she found Batman and where she goes from there. Because after this issue (and Issue #0), Snyder will be bringing The Joker back! Yay!

Harper has been invited to a Bruce Wayne Gala even though she's not really anybody important. But since Mr. Wayne is tearing down the building she and her younger brother currently live in, the tenants of the building have been invited as special guests. Not because they're being put out on the street. But because Mr. Wayne is building a newer, better, more expensive with probably higher rents building! Perhaps he's invited them all to the fundraiser so that he can give them checks to pay for the motel they'll be living in for the next two years.

Harper's brother Cullen wants her to relax and have a good time and stop worrying this night. She seems to be the responsible one, working to pay their bills, keeping her brother safe from gangs and violence, and trying to find their father. Do I know anyone in the DC Universe with the last name Row? Nope! I don't! Harper doesn't want to go but her brother finally convinces her.

I think Cullen needs to be fitted for a refrigerator.

At the gala fundraiser, Alfred catches Harper stuffing her backpack full of desserts from the dessert table.

No wonder I'm such a fan of Alfred Pennyworth! I'm currently having the brownies too!

Delicious!

Alfred instantly pegs Harper as the poor person who won the raffle to attend Bruce's gala. Alfred probably recommended the brownies because he stuffed them with gold bullion. Harper has Alfred show her the way out with her backpack stuffed full of sugary goodness. He does his best public relations act to try to get her to believe that Bruce Wayne means what he says when it comes to improving Gotham but Harper isn't exactly holding her breath.

Harper returns home to find her brother beaten and bleeding. His hair has been chopped and the assailants shaved the word "fag" into the back of his hair. Cullen pleads with her to leave it or else they'll just attack him and do it again. So she does. But she fixes her hair up too.

Solidarity, homo!

Later that night as Cullen and Harper are heading home, they're accosted by the assholes that beat up Cullen. They act upset that Harper has that haircut when they didn't give it to her. Just like typical assholes. They can always think up a fucking stupid reason to escalate a situation to violence. My favorite is when an asshole makes a shitty comment toward someone and when the person talks back, it's somehow disrespecting the original asshole. And now he has a reason to punch that person in the face. Because how dare they fucking defend themselves with words!

Harper has a taser she's adjusted so that it spits out way more volts than normal (or amps? I don't know which she changed to make it more dangerous). She knocks down one thug but then she and Cullen are suddenly surrounded. This looks like a job for Superman!

Or, you know, this guy.

Once Harper and Cullen are rescued by Batman, Cullen's troubles seem to disappear for the time being. But Harper becomes obsessed with Batman. She watches footage of him on the internet but it's all shaky and vague because it's all been captured via smart phones and hand held cameras. So she decides to log into the street cameras to get a better look, being that she has some slightly illegal access to them being an electrician for the Gotham power grid.

But the access doesn't get her any more footage of Batman.

It doesn't give her any images but it does give her ideas. It's a mystery to discover!

She's a modern day Velma!

Harper also finds a way to use the Bat Boxes to track Batman. And that's when she sees one go down and rushes off to the sewers to help him out. She reactivates the Bat Box but is nearly run down by a large yacht in the sewers. Batman knocks her out of the way with some kind of Bat Cushion Grapple Deal. She sees the boat go by with Batman fighting a tiger on it! This is the kind of crazy shit that goes down in Gotham's sewers! To help Batman, she turns a valve for the sewer run-off which grounds the boat and throws the tiger overboard. Batman catches the guy he was after (Tiger Shark!) and then notices the valve and the missing girl he had to save.

He's quoting Rorschach.

Later, Batman approaches Harper while she's working in the sewers. He tells her she's finished. She tells him, "But...but...but...I was helping!" Batman repeats, "You're finished." Harper says, "But...but...but...." And Batman is gone. But Harper decides she's not finished at all! Who the fuck is Batman to tell her what to do? He can't just save her and her brother from continual torment from the dregs of society and not expect her to try and help him out! And I guess lucky for Batman, she ignores him. So she can be there to revive him during the Court of Owls story. In your face, Batman! You're not always right!

Batman #12 Rating: No change. The story was a nice, interesting one shot. The art for the first twenty pages was cute and sort of anime-ish and comic booky and cartoony and I liked it a lot. The art for the last eight pages was kind of goofy and weird. Most of it I didn't care for but there was one panel of Harper lying on the couch feeling good about helping Batman and that one was cute and looked nice. If the rest of Clarke's panels looked like that, I think I'd really like his work. As it was, it just looked half-assed.

Batman and Robin #12

It would be okay if Terminus unmasked Batman since Terminus only has a few hours left to live.

Batman and Robin have confronted Terminus in Finger Square in Gotham City. Along with Terminus are his army of thugs and henchmen who have all, at one time or another, been on the wrong side of Batman's Beat Stick. That's a lot of angry dudes! Good thing Damien is here to back up Bruce and begin a smaller club based on thugs maimed by Robin.

Too bad Terminus is almost dead. I actually like his homage to Batman costume.

This guy seems like a big armored up Bane. I'm not a fan of Bane although maybe a rereading of Bane and Batman's history (and perhaps Knightfall, of course) would change my mind. I guess I wasn't reading much Batman at the time when Bane first appeared. So I always just pictured him as this big, dumb, drugged up brute of a guy. I think his Venom drug enhanced his intellect as well though or else he really should never have stood a chance against Batman, let along break him. Oh, but I was talking about Terminus! I like Terminus's look and he manhandles Batman fairly easily at first. I also like Terminus's back story with his army of thugs maltreated by The Batman. Too bad he's going to die!

I wonder how many more paragraphs I can end with restating that Terminus is going to die (I think this one counts as well!)?

If by seeing one lunatic, you've seen them all, how many lunatics has Batman seen? All of them cubed? All of them to the tenth power? The hundredth?

Because Terminus wants to prove a point, he resists crushing Batman's skull until Batman acknowledges that he's, as Batgirl says, been a jerk many times over. This gives Batman a chance to shoot the blade things on his gloves into the face mask of Terminus, shattering it. Has Batman's spikes on his gloves always had this power? I can't imagine somebody hasn't had Batman use them this way before. They seem like they might be a little dangerous though. What if they went off accidentally while he was walking or swinging through downtown? I guess that could be said for all of his wonderful toys.

Once Batman has the upper hand, he commands the Batmobile to destroy a building with a laser and drop it on Terminus. Normally I'd complain about Batman so casually destroying the infrastructure around them but the building is probably owned by Bruce Wayne.

Meanwhile, Robin gets knocked through the front window of a knife store by Bootprint Face. That's probably going to mean Bootprint Face is about to get cut up really badly.

While Terminus is escaping from the rubble, Batman slides under the Batmobile and is fitted with a Batman Armored Defense And Strength Suit. Now that Batman has leveled the playing field, it becomes a giant bout of fisticuffs!

That's what I said! Sort of.

 

Robin begins throwing knives into the thugs surrounding him, consciously avoiding hitting any main arteries. I wonder if it's harder to avoid stabbing them in the arteries when I'm sure he was trained to target all of the areas that would quickly kill an assailant? But since there are so many enemies, he's eventually grappled by some mutant beast that looks like three humans involved in a teleport accident. I think it might be Brundle Guy. Luckily help arrives (like he needs it!).

OMG! Monster boobies!

I'm surprised Red Hood continues to stick around. It's possible he wants to be written by a decent writer for awhile so he just hung back in this comic for as long as he possibly can. Even though he's supposed to be in space right now helping save Tamaran. Even if Tamaran survives the fight against whatever aliens are taking it over now (forgive me for not remembering!), the planet is still about to be destroyed by Invictus and replaced with the fake Tamaran from his Orrery!

The Robins seem to have a pretty good handle on the thugs while Batman finally figures out a way to shut down Terminus. He pulls all of the cooling rods out of Terminus's suit. But Terminus still manages to toss him fifty feet into the air. He continues to pummel Batman until the thing we all try desperately to ignore--by reading comics or browsing the internet or playing sports or having sex or eating delicious food or lounging in the sun or working hard or playing role-playing games or raising families--catches up to him.

There never is.

The only problem is that a warhead filled with a deadly toxin was set to launch as soon as Terminus's time ran out. Terminus is still alive but incapacitated. He's dying and he can't help but tell Batman about the rocket because he needs to see the look on Batman's face when Batman learns that he's failed his city. It's all he wants before he dies.

Batman, of course, doesn't know what it's like to lose or to quit. Luckily his Augmentation Suit has rocket thrusters! He blasts off into the sky to stop the rocket from exploding over Gotham.

Instead of just standing there looking majestic and trusting that daddy will fix everything, how about one of you call up Superman? You know, just in case?

Batman manages to override the the rocket's guidance systems while riding on the back of it. He steers so that it explodes in the harbor underneath the water. Batman jumps off and safely heads back to the ground using one of his many means of doing that trick. Meanwhile, the fish and other lifeforms in Gotham Harbor have become immune to toxins and disease because of all the pollutants. Probably. That's my speculation anyway. And Robin can't let Terminus die thinking maybe he's beaten Batman.

That is one cruel kid.

And finally, there's the confrontation between Damien and Dick. And it's nearly perfect.

Dick Grayson has become one of my surprise favorite characters of The New 52.

Batman and Robin #12 Rating: +2 Ranking. Ignoring my rankings off to the side for a second (because they're mostly biased, unscientific bullshit), Batman and Robin is far and away one of my favorite titles in The New 52. It's got a little bit of everything and it's all handled and balanced really well.

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #12

Comparison Test Time! If your mind instantly translated "ring" as "anus" and then interpreted the cover as such, you might be me!

So Belroy tells him to the tune of The Decemberists song, "The Mariner's Revenge." Fuck me, I know. What was I thinking?

Frankenstein had found himself,
With hardly any help
In the belly of a whale.
To find the hidden mole
Was his entire goal
And he was hot upon its trail.

Frank learned a little thing
About the Satan's ring
In Leviathan's graveyard.
Frank set to kill the beast
And set the agents free
A task that wasn't very hard.

Frank's past life memories plagued him with fear and doubt.
Visions from dead organs that filled him throughout.
Oh oh!

Frank killed the giant fish
And got his only wish
To discover Shade's secret base.
He kicked the damn door in
And found Crowly within
But she cowered at his rage.

The Scare-eb army tried once more to stop him dead.
Frank destroyed their army in a few seconds.
Oh oh!

And then he found Mycroft,
An agent fat and soft
Who'd had visions of the future.
He'd seen his death at hand
Brought by this big green man
Which he did not want to occur.

He labeled Frank a traitor so he would be set free.
All that did was to create a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Oh oh!

"Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?"

Frank stopped choking him
When Satan's Ring grew dim,
And switched to showing Nina dying.
A magic trap was tripped
And Khalis's power stripped
And used to raise Leviathan.

Nina's helmet was shattered from the magic trap.
And Frank decided he had had enough of Mycroft's crap.
Oh oh!

The choking began again,
This time it all would end.
Frank just couldn't take it anymore.
He looked into his eyes,
And finally realized
The real monster was this bore.

Agent Mycroft could feel the life slipping from his lungs,
And in the whistle of his final breath he might have sung:

"Save me! Spare me!
Please let me go free!
I was just saving my own ass!
How could I have known?
My own actions would be to blame
For the coming of my own death?"

There was a new voice that reached Frank's ears
As he finished off this man.
"You're the face of the worst of humanity,"
Spoke Doctor Victor from the past.

Frank left him on the floor,
And bolted to the door,
To kill the Leviathan!
He sliced into its side,
And gored it from inside.
But the way he won was quite random!

The mighty creature had a severe allergy to Frank.
It blew up and died in a giant roaring sea of flames.
Oh oh!

Frank was burnt alive.
Frankie almost died.
But Khalis saved his life!
He'd saved Nina too,
And changed her through and through
So she could keep her helmet at her side.

Afterward, the ex-SHADE agents joined with Frankenstein
To help him defeat the recently returned Doctor Frankenstein.
Oh oh fuck you if I want to rhyme Frankenstein with Frankenstein!

The motherfucking end already. Ugh! I'm never doing that again!

Frankenstein Agent of SHADE #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. The entire issue was told as past events from Agent Belroy (via the camera in Frank's head) to Father Time. So it was a wholly narrated piece. But it worked well. And I guess Doctor Victor Frankenstein has something to do with The Rot and he's back. Which is why a few issues of Frankenstein are going to join the Rotworld Crossover. I hope that works out for everyone!

Also, I should point out that last commentary I called the self-fulfilling prophecy!

Batgirl #12

Dick Grayson's wet dream. I wonder if Dick Grayson finds Pippi Longstocking sexy?

Dear Diary:

It's me again! Babs! I know! As if you don't remember me! LOL! I was thinking about calling you "BATGIRL'S WAR JOURNAL" but instead decided you're more of a Miss Stephanie. I didn't finish telling you what happened between me and the detective last night! I passed out after eating a pint of Ben and Jerry's Cake Batter ice cream and drooled all over the place. Disgusting!

Anywayz, the detective was getting all crybaby on me when I just wanted her to answer some questions about Nightfell. But she's all, "wah wah wah my husband died wah wah i became depressed boo hoo hoo!" Seriously, lady! We all have problems. Just tell me what I need to know! But before she could fill me in on her connection to Charlize "Nightfell" Charon, the rich little snobby girl, we had some unexpected company!

OMG! Can't anybody in Gotham use a door?!

It was Batwoman! I'd never met her in person. I always thought she looked so gothy and statuesque but up close? Seriously? Have you ever heard of daylight? Do you go out fighting in your Noxzema skin cream? I thought I was getting a little pasty with all my late night patrols! But aside from her ghoulish complexion, she was one hot mama! Good thing she's into chicks or I might be nervous about her stealing Nightwing away from me.

I couldn't figure out why she was attacking Detective Melody. I thought Batwoman hunted down Urban Legends? Why wasn't she out searching for that guy who murdered that little girl's dog? You know, the guy who hid under the bed and licked the little girl's hand all night long? Or maybe she should be investigating that well to hell geologist's found! Or figure out why that car always smelled like dead bodies! A bad detective who always takes the side of the bad guy and hates the super heroes isn't an urban legend in Gotham! That's the status quo! LOL!

And can you believe this, Miss Stephanie?! Detective Melody begins shooting at Batwoman! What is wrong with that pig? Did she forget the memo that the Bat Symbol means we're the good guys?! Except for that other night when Terminus went around branding everybody in Gotham with the Bat Symbol. That was totally f'd up! Now half of Gotham has scarification bat symbols on their chests. I don't think I could seriously date a guy with the bat symbol burned into his skin. I mean, I know it wouldn't have been his fault but it's just silly. It would be like dating Batman! *shudder* You can't think of your pseudo father figure every time you want to make out with your man, right?! I guess you could if you were all weird and stuff and got off on your step-father. But that just sounds icky and super icky.

This is what happens when you shoot at the Bat-Family!

I figured Batwoman had every right to kick Melody in the tits. Heck, Miss Stephanie, I've wanted to do that every time I've run into her. But I figured I could talk it out with Batwoman, you know, woman to girl. But that bitch kneed ME in the tits too! WTF?!

Oh yeah! I made a note to myself while fighting Batwoman! Let me stick it in here so I'll remember for next time.

So here I am updating: "GD that B can F!" Oh, I should clarify that the "F" stands for "Fight"! Also the "B" stands for "bitch" and not "Batwoman"! Hehehe.

Let me tell you, Miss Stephanie, that first fight against Batwoman didn't last long! While she was analyzing my fighting style and how to beat her, I was analyzing her analyzing my fighting style which is why she beat me! I'm so pathetic sometimes! WAH! Batman would be so disappointed.

Her white skin is because she's made of marble! OUCH!

After I surrendered (yeah, yeah, I surrendered! What was she going to do to me? She's a BAT! A good gal!), Batwoman was all, "I'm taking the detective to see Mr. Skullybones." And I'm all, "Oh no you are not!" I figured acting as if I hadn't really been trying earlier was my best bet. Maybe she'd back down if I talked tough! At least I said, "Uncle!" when she smashed me in the face instead of "Is that all you've got?" I learned pretty early on that they've usually got a whole lot more.

While Batwoman and I were negotiating, Detective Melody received a call from Nightfell! Nightfell had caught that one legged car thief and was threatening to kill him if I didn't meet up with them all alone! Oh man. Why do I gotta care so much about the poor people? So that's what's happening tonight, Miss Stephanie. I gotta go fight Nightfell and Mister Bleck and Bonerbreaker and Antarctic again tonight. I just stopped by to take a quick shower and change my panties. The worst part about patrolling is you never know when you're going to get a potty break and then you find yourself really having to go and then Batwoman smashes you in the face with her face and you pee a little bit. I hope nobody noticed!

Anywayz! Good night for now, Miss Stephanie! I'll tell you how it turns out later if I'm not killed. LOL!

Batgirl doesn't know about this so it isn't in her diary!

Dear Miss Stephanie!

I'm back! I'm exhausted but I figured I'd better get this down before I pass out. I'm lying here in my underwear with my Batgirl costume kicked under the bed because I'm just too tired to put it away. I hope Alysia doesn't wander and wonder why I've got a hot leather suit under my bed! LOL! She'll think I'm super kinky. Hmm. What if Alaska her new cat from the freaky boyfriend comes in and steals my utility belt? Maybe I should put it up. But I have to tell you about my night with Batwoman first! OH WOW STARSTRUCK!!!

I'm going to be just like her some day! Screw Bat-Patriarchy! Batwomen rule!

So I go to meet Nightfell and her goons on top of the Three Penny Towers or whatever and of course Nigthfell isn't there! What a coward. She sent Blecky Nickels and Bonerbreaker and Karthardic to stop me. Pshaw! AS. IF. Didn't someone give these ladies the memo? I'M THE GODDAMNED BATGIRL!

Seriously. She said, "Kill her ass." WTF?! Jealous much, you over-muscled, flat-assed ho?

These bitches told me if I came alone, I could save the car thief they maimed. But they killed him before I even got there. Well, they broke their deal, so I broke mine! Alone when I knew I'd be facing a bunch of liars and murderers and, as Alfred would call them, "retreaded good-for-nothings."

Boy, I sure could use some of Alfred's waffles right now! A couple of waffles with a doughnut in the middle and sausage in the middle of the doughnut covered in sugar and honey! OH GOD I NEED A MAN! I mean, I'm hungry! Oh, but first let me finish my story about how I broke the deal as well!

OMG! LOL! Why did she scream "Fire in the hole"? Is that some sex thing I don't know about?

I wonder what would happen if I did a Google image search for Batwoman, Batgirl, and Rule 34?!

Eww! OMG! ICK!

Whose webpage is this from? Who the hell is Jimmy Olsen?! Gross!

While Batwoman and Melody continued the fight on the roof, I went after Nightfell! Using Melody's codes, I managed to make my way into her office. Inside, she had a cage with Ricky the car thief in it! He was alive! There was also some other poor schlub in the cage. I began picking the lock to save Ricky but that skank Cherise knifed me in the back while Ricky tried to warn me! Ugh! I'm still really angry about that. And in pain. Um, I should probably go rebandage this wound since I'm beginning to bleed on the sheets. I'll tell you the rest of the story later, Miss Stephanie! Ow. OW! Gotta go!

Batgirl #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. Okay, okay. I'm trying to look past the incessant Narration Boxing and it's working. Once I decided to grasp it and read the comic and write the commentary as if Batgirl were updating her diary, I began to like Batgirl more. I think she should be sillier and sweeter and her Narration Boxes would work much better if they were pure thoughts in and of the moment. Many of them were in this comic and that works much better. Plus it felt like a substantial decrease in the amount of them. I like Batgirl and I like Batgirl's voice in the comic. So if I can just get past my bias of Narration Boxing, I think I could really like this comic. Besides, Gail Simone's Narration Boxes actually give Babs inner thoughts and relate to what's going on instead of the profound nonsense that gets spewed out of Grifter and Hawkman's Boxes.