Katana #5

First off, I've met Coil and that's not him. That's Sickle, you stupid fucking bastards.

I get it, DC. You don't fucking care about quality control. Coil. Sickle. Dagger Boy. Katana. They're all basically the same person. They all find their identity in their weapon. Which makes this error even more egregious in that you can see his fucking weapon in his hand and it looks nothing like a coil. Fucking editors. Apparently the main job of the editors at DC is to drive away the writers.

Last issue ended with The Creeper attacking Katana while she stood on a roof. But she just sidestepped him and he flew past her. The teaser for next month was simply "The Creeper: Born to Kill." So I expected more fight this issue. I don't know why I expected anything by a writer Marvel foisted on to DC to follow from one month to the next because this issue begins with Katana at the Weaponcon in Japan looking for someone to fix her sword.

That DC and Marvel thing wasn't a slight at Marvel writers being bad. Since this is the internet, I feel I need to add this explanation to Ann Nocenti some of the things I say [Ann Nocenti, verb: To over-explain something]. What I meant was that the writers that came from Marvel to help out DC with The New 52 are the worst writers I've ever read. Scott Lobdell. Tom DeFalco. Howard Mackie. Ann Nocenti. It's amazing how consistently shitty this batch of writers has been.

Somebody should have told the artist that a lot of these people were supposed to be wearing spiked hair styles.

Katana enacts Katana Main Action Plan #1: act like a dumb woman. I'm surprised she didn't bring her blonde wig. Hey, that wasn't me making a blondes are dumb joke for anybody reading this commentary that did not read earlier issues of Katana! That was actually one of Katana's plans when she infiltrated a Sword Clan gathering where she first met Sickle! Wait a second. Katana is acting dumb to infiltrate a group of people and, judging by the cover, she's going to meet Sickle? Ann Nocenti is Scott Lobdelling this shit [Scott Lobdell, verb: To recycle a plot over and over]!

Finally! I always thought Katana was too strong and independent for a widowed Japanese woman, completely protecting Halo and telling her husband to shut the fuck up because she knows what she's doing and standing up to The Batman! It's about time Katana is portrayed as lost without her husband's voice telling her what to do. DC already has enough women characters that exist outside of a man's sphere of influence.

Katana speaks with a swordmaker about possibly getting her katana fixed. He knows of a crazy hill woman that might be able to fix it who has a red-headed grandson that comes to town sometimes who can fix swords. But then he's killed in a way that makes Tatsu think maybe her husband did it. Plus the man was killed by a throwing star to the back of the neck and yet he still dies pointing to a blonde woman. Or at least that's Tatsu's crime scene investigation theory. But how would a stupid blonde woman be able to pull off that kill?! The assassin must be using Katana Main Action Plan #1!

This issue is called "Born to Kill" like the teaser from last month. I suppose The Creeper is still likely to make an appearance. Maybe he's the murderer, hiding beneath a blonde wig! He probably tailed Katana to Japan after not being able to climb back up the building in San Francisco and continue fighting her. He, like all of the other souls freed from the sword, probably doesn't want her reforging it.

And on the next page, Jack Ryder is waking up from a drunken stupor on the floor of a Japanese Roadhouse. His producer got him work in Japan! Somehow! Plotting comic books is easy! Just do whatever the fuck you want and get to the punching!

It's easier to write it that way, Jack. Just go with it.

I'm not sure why Ann Nocenti needed to move the action to Japan. This would work out much better if she just left all of the characters in San Francisco. I guess I could just not give a shit about how and why everyone ends up in Japan. Fuck it! I should just not give a shit about anything anymore. The world is perfect! I'm just going to accept it as it is. Somebody get me a shot of heroin and I'll embrace Ann Nocenti fully and completely. Numb the shit out of my caring chip and I'll be good to fucking go!

Jack Ryder has a bit of a conversation with his producer about a rumor on the internet that Jack is dead. It seems odd to me that Jack's producer didn't see the footage of Jack being eaten by My Favorite Monster over in The Phantom Stranger. It was fucking on live television. Also, nobody told Jack's producer about Jack's body being flown to San Francisco where Jack's family was preparing the funeral and waiting for the corpse. I'm just saying, it's really pretty odd that all of this real life shit has now been boiled down to an internet rumor by some troll that everybody should just ignore. Because there is no fucking evidence that the rumor is true! None at all! Nope!

Somebody better hurry up with that fucking heroin!

Meanwhile in San Francisco, Coil and Sickle are watching the news like every character in comic books all the time so that they can hear about the murder at the Weaponcon. This I can buy because it's a comic book staple! And I grew up in the Bay Area where things like Japanese TV being broadcast on local Bay Area stations were a staple! Although it would still have been better if all the action was happening in San Francisco. Now Coil Sickle needs to catch a plane to Japan (Supersonic, of course, so he can arrive in a believable amount of time (believable if I can get that heroin into my veins, anyway)) so he can save Katana from being murdered by the Sword Clan who will obviously attack her once they realize that swordmakers are being killed in a way that only Tatsu's husband Maseo was known for killing.

Am I being culturally insensitive or is the artist when I look at this image and think, "That isn't fucking Japan."

Katana hops into Kenji's Mustang and tells him to take her to his Grandma's house. He looks really worried with the scribbles all over his face because he doesn't want to be seen with Katana. Katana talks him into fixing her sword because it'll bring him great fame and lots of poontang. But as they're heading to see Grandma, a truck with the license plate "BEATINGU" runs Kenji's Aston Martin (or Corvette or Porsche or whatever fucking now non-Mustang car he's driving) off the road.

Look at that car! It couldn't be much more different from the car they got into earlier! This comic book just went all kinds of Howard Mackie [Howard Mackie, adjective: 1. being invisible to editors. 2. possessing every single piece of punctuation in the English language in one sentence.].

The person running them off the road turns out to be Swagger, the mistress assassin of the Sword Clan. Being that they're in Japan, I would have thought the Sword Clan would have sent a Japanese assassin after them. Now, I suppose Swagger could be Japanese since I'm basing my judgmental and shallow opinion on her looks. But I would expect her to have a Japanese name. Now I know the Japanese love peppering their language with English words, so that might be part of it as well. But it just seems like for a comic book taking place in Japan, the Japanese aren't really being represented here.

Swagger possesses two swords that are kept in sheaths that wrap around her body. So here's another villain with bendy swords! My guess is that these bendy swords are called "Swaggers" which stand for springy, willowy daggers.

Swagger and Katana fight Ann Nocenti style where they throw awkward, over-explained insults at each other like "You're vain. Vain women hate to get kicked in the face" and "Hope you like pink flowers, Little Girl. Staked to a cherry blossom tree. A pretty headstone." Katana calls Swagger's weapons rapiers but I'm not buying it since I saw the way they were drawn. Katana also calls Swagger a rotten Outsider. So I guess this Sword Clan is part of the Seven Clans from Green Arrow. So does that mean the Dagger Clan is the missing clan? Probably not since that would be a stupid surprise reveal Clan. I think the Dagger Clan is just the Cub Scouts of the Sword Clan's Boy Scouts. Swagger also mentions that she's the leader of Japan's Sword Clan which seems odd since she was introduced as the Mistress Assassin of the Sword Clan. I would think calling her the leader would have been more important.

Leaving Swagger pinned to a tree, Katana and Kenji zip off in their magic car and arrive at Grandma's house where Katana kind of convinces her to fix her sword.

Why is he winking? And I'm guessing everyone is speaking Japanese. So why use Cain and Abel as the brother killing brother example? Not that I know any Japanese examples but I'm sure they'd be more apt here.

The Grandmother must be the comic book representation of Ann Nocenti because when Katana says she wants to clean the rot from the Outsider Clans, the grandmother explains why Katana is being stupid. She points out how you can't clear the rot from a forest. But that might not be a good enough explanation so she also points out that you can't cleanse fire of its smoke. And if that didn't make it clear enough, she explains that you can't clean dirt. I'm still a little bit confused about her point. I think what she's trying to say is don't ever try to do anything, you stupid cunt.

And then Swagger is back to finish off Katana! Katana has a real problem not finishing her stupid fucking fights. Since she left her sword sticking out of Swagger's belly a few pages ago, she has to resort to throwing bladed fans at Swagger and her thugs. And then Sickle arrives because he flew on a supersonic jet across the Pacific! And the art shows that it's night now, so apparently enough time has passed to make this not seem stupid at all.

Also not stupid is the way Maseo's ghost is still stalking Tatsu even after he gave her the move on with your life I'm fucking dead speech. And he's gone all romantic comedy on her!

I forgot Sickle was Maseo's brother. But that just makes the misunderstanding even more comedic!

Then everybody stops fighting as The Creeper arrives and kills Grandma Master Swordmaker! Be with us next time for 'Katana Hot Tin Roof' or 'A Creeper Named Desire.'

Katana #5 Rating: -1 Ranking. Most of this minus one ranking isn't Ann Nocenti's fault. This was just another DC Comic with way too many editorial mistakes. I'm still not sure why Katana had to go to Japan for this. I think it has to do with the typical Quest Junko sent her on where she has to travel far flung lands only to return to the place she left to find what she needs. I'm sure Junko will be the one to fix her stupid Soultaker.