Green Lantern #36 (February 1993)

Just what this comic book needs: a 3rd pedo!

I wonder if Doctor Light and Hal Jordan are going to be fighting over a twelve year old in this issue? Merry Christmas!

This issue begins with Carol Ferris and Hal Jordan in a small plane flying to the Jordan Family Christmas party in Alaska.

Stop looking at the Northern Lights off-panel and pay attention to that tear in reality over your heads!

I know comic book coloring can be weird at times but this comic book is called Green Lantern so I imagine the colorist could have made the Northern Lights actually look like the Northern Lights.

Okay. I just noticed it. I'm a petty bitch.

The tear in reality turns out to be Doctor Light so it wasn't a mistake on the artist's part at all. The mistake was entirely Carol Ferris's for being such a dumb slag. I mean slag in the mining definition and not in UK slang! The material left over from the processing of ore was the dumbest thing I could think of. Far dumber than sluts or whores.

To be fair to Carol, Hal didn't fucking realize those weren't the Northern Lights either. Stupid rake! I meant the gardening implement! It's much dumber than a spade or a hoe.

One of Hal's nephews is Captain Cold?

Before these children are introduced, Gerard Jones makes sure that Doctor Light speaks his motivations clearly so nobody gets the wrong idea about what's going to happen in this story. So rest easy! Doctor Light is after Hal's green light and not the children.

I just realized this morning (not because I hadn't noticed my hair but I just hadn't put the two together) that my hair looks like Hal Jordan's. Not the color or the length or the style. Just the white stripes on the sides. But mine looks cooler because my hair is long.

Carol quickly learns that Hal's sister-in-law gave up her profession to raise three kids and she almost vomits. Hal's sister-in-law, Sue, quickly learns that Carol has four huge sticks up her ass and not one of them is Hal's penis.

An ominous bit of pedo foreshadowing? And here I thought the kids were safe!

Doctor Light isn't the worst villain in this issue. Sue Jordan won't get off Carol's pussy about kids and not dating Hal.

Who thinks saying shit like this to another person is fun or smart or cool or not a reason to be violently murdered?

Even if Doctor Light diddles two of the kids, I still won't hate him more than I hate Sue right now. Maybe if he diddles all three, or kills one and diddles another, or kills and diddles the same one. Until then, I'll be less interested in Hal battling Doctor Light than I am in Carol battling Sue. Maybe Sue is just super horny and, since she lives in Alaska where people are weird, this is how she flirts with a sexy independent woman.

Hal just thinks it's funny and tells Carol it's "Classic Jordan Family" needling. Carol doesn't tell Hal that every single thing he's done or said since Star Sapphire was driven from her body has made it even more unlikely that Carol will ever take her underpants off in front of him. This guy's whole game is "This one time, I was fucking a toy mogul I worked for. Then later I fucked this thirteen year old. I don't want your money because no bitch gonna control Hal Jordan. You can be my secretary! You got that makeover to look hot for my dick, right? My family has really been treading on your personal space and I'm not going to say anything. In fact, I'll encourage them!" Does this guy even want to fuck Carol?

Every male Jordan treats women like baggage.

If Carol comes out of this experience loving Hal Jordan more, I'll fucking kill myself. Or write a moderately upset letter to Gerard Jones. We'll see exactly how upsetting it is. Meanwhile, Doctor Light continues to stalk the children. I mean Hal's Green Lantern light.

Apparently Superman just died. But Hal's not upset because how much time can you devote to another character in your own comic book? Fuck Superman. Just because he went and bit the big Doomsday dong, Hal Jordan's supposed to express the slightest sliver of grief?! Also nobody else seems to care. You'd think at least one kid would be weeping their fucking eyes out behind the couch.

Bigger news than Superman roasting in Kryptonian H'el, Green Lantern has been spotted back on Earth! The real Green Lantern! The one that Sue Jordan thinks was her husband Jack Jordan, Hal's brother! She even wrote an article about it for the gossip magazine she used to work for. Damn. If she could get that so wrong, how many other articles did she write that ruined innocent celebrities' lives?! Carol tries to tell Sue the truth but Hal yanks her into a corner and deliver more of his patented pussy wilting dialogue.

Now he's admitting he can fuck with people's minds? Run, Carol, run!

Do you think Hal's ability to make people forget things is why we haven't heard Carol go off on him about fucking a thirteen year old? If Carol doesn't immediately assume that Hal has used or will use this power on her in a relationship, then she's far more trusting than I am. I was going to go for "she's far more stupid than I am" but I know that's not true. I'm an idiot and even I can see what Hal's planning.

Is it possible Guy Gardner is smoother than Hal Jordan? And he takes women on dates to porn movies and cock fights!

While Hal has somehow figured out how to grow and put in his mouth an eighth foot, a really good conversation is taking place in the background.

These kids are fucking geniuses!

Hal is supposed to play Santa but he talks his brother Jack into wearing the costume while he videotapes the entire encounter from the shadows where Sue can't see him. Because Sue has to believe that Hal is in the suit and her husband is the one hiding in the shadows with the video tape recorder. I guess the Jordan family loves pretend candid Christmas videos that look like they were shot by some creep who crawled in through the back window.

Doctor Light, unable to get to Hal because he's crouching in the shadows like a sex pest, attacks Jack in the Santa costume to lure Hal out. Of course Hal comes roaring into the room as Green Lantern and Sue is all, "My husband! He's back at playing Green Lantern! I'll either divorce him or have the greatest sex of our lives!"

Oh, that's how Hal is grieving! He's got the black armband on but only in costume.

Doctor Light recently died in the pages of Suicide Squad (was that where everybody treated him like a kiddy diddler?) but, after spending some time in Hell, he's returned more powerful than ever before. Which I should explain is actually pretty powerful because he was always a D-List villain, at best. But now he can turn into light and make copies of himself and manipulate material things with his light and probably loads of other things. At one point, he says he has both the power of waves and particles but since I was a Liberal Arts Major, I don't know what that means at all. I guess I didn't read enough postmodern literature.

Unable to defeat Doctor Light with his ring because Doctor Light bathes everything in yellow light, Hal pulls out his battery and sucks Doctor Light into the lantern. His soul becomes trapped in the power battery on Oa where he spends his days being Parallax's bitch.

After the battle, Sue still believes Jack is Green Lantern. He even buys into it, thinking he becomes Green Lantern after blacking out.

Yep. Greatest sex of their lives it is.

So what happens when Green Lantern is exposed for fucking a thirteen year old? How's Jack going to explain that one? "I guess I was unconscious, honey! No, really! I don't remember doing her at all!"

After the battle, Hal explains to Carol how heroic he was and smart too! Carol just nods and says, "Have I ever loved anything ever? Let's get married!"

Goddammit. Where did I put that gun and/or pen and paper?

Green Lantern #36 Rating: B-. Somehow Carol witnessed how all the Jordan men treated their women and heard more confessions from Hal the Gigantic Bastard and she came to the conclusion that she and Hal should get married. The main evidence pushing her to that conclusion was seeing how much Sue loved and worried about her children when they were almost killed. She's never loved anything that much and currently has no path toward loving something like that. And somehow that led her to the belief that marrying Hal Jordan could get her there? Has she never heard of an animal shelter?! Get a fucking puppy! Or a kitten! Fuck, get both!