Shade the Changing Girl #7

Welcome Marge Sausage! At least now this comic book I don't really understand will look good!

The Review!
I read this comic book. Now I have acknowledged reading this comic book in a public space. I'm not sure I'm going to continue reading this comic book. It feels like it's trying to identify with young people but it doesn't dare say anything more than "We are all alone and desperately trying to survive a social landscape we had no say in but now must deal with to the best of our ability!" I might be giving it too much credit. It might just be trying to identify with young people in vague and shallow ways that don't really matter in the existential nightmare of our reality. Things like young people being mean to each other. And things like young people being attracted to other young people in expected and unexpected ways. And young people conflicting with parents and other adult authority figures. And young people betraying each other's trust due to social pressures and naive innocence. I suppose those things matter but they'll only matter for a short time. Eventually you get old enough to just keep the few friends who are entertaining and not particularly needy so that you can sink into the indulgence of all of your own personal desires. In other words, just like the end of this issue, you ultimately run from the school dance saying "Fuck this shit."

The Ranking!
No change!

Bombshells #3

Constantine as a rabbit is my favorite DC Bombshell.

As a male comic book blogger, I try to hide my misogynistic tendencies so that people other than just male comic book nerds will like me. But fuck that shit! This is DC Comics Bombshells! Trigger Warning: Imma gonna be talkin' 'bout some titties!

But first let's talk about John Constantine as a cigarette smoking, tie wearing rabbit. Isn't he adorable?! Zatanna looks like an overly filled colostomy bag next to him! I just want to hug him and squeeze him and tell him how much he probably tastes like chicken! He's so freakin' cute! You know what? I take back my trigger warning. Let's talk about bunnies instead!

Mascara Bunnies are some of my new favorite bunnies since I first realized they existed just a few months ago when I encountered them all alone in the dark, closed pet store that I stalk once a month. I mean clean.

My other favorite bunnies are the ones with New Wave Flops and the ones with sideburns. Apparently I would like all of them even better if they wore ties!

Before Bunny Constantine makes an appearance, I guess I have to read the Batwoman story. Not that I'm disappointed about reading the Batwoman story because she's super hot and sexy with cleavage and a short skirt and she once made fun of Ernest Hemingway which people who often want to seem intelligent never want to do but totally should because Hemingway was awful in a lot of ways (mostly in the story telling way!). Imagine if Batwoman were turned into a bunny! I just had a cutegasm! And it wasn't a cute cutegasm either. It was dark and sensual and explosive (because Bombshell Batwoman drawn by Marguerite Sauvage was involved). Currently Batwoman is beating the crap out of somebody with her bat.

I wonder if Kate Kane's father ever told a wealthy landowner that his wife was actually his sister? And then stole all of his wells?

Harper Row drops in to help Batwoman defeat the Jew-hater. I don't actually know if he hates Jewish people so I shouldn't have said that. I should maybe have been more accurate and called him the man who profits from the death of Jewish people. I don't think you have to specifically hate somebody to give them up to a mass murdering government for some quick cash.

By the way, Harper Row is adorable because she's basically the Bill Dozier Batman television series. I wish Batwoman met Harper Row the same way Batman met Harper Row because then I would have seen Batwoman's nipples as Harper hooks them up to car batteries to jump start her heart! I think that was how Harper met Batman. Although if she used electricity on his heart, she must have been knocking it back into rhythm and not bringing him back to life because Flatliners is one of the biggest lies you've ever swallowed.

I realized this weekend the first lie all parents tell their children. It's when they give them a pacifier so the baby thinks it's sucking on a titty. Then the poor little baby sucks and sucks and sucks but doesn't get what it really wants. Parents are jerks. Also, I warned you I was going to talk about titties!

Batwoman leaves her bat behind and tells Harper to keep it. She's practically forcing Harper to become a vigilante!

See?!

Maggie Sawyer and Kate Kane go out to Cobblepot Boardwalk for Kate's last night in town before she flies off with Waller's Task Force XX. They waste a lot of panels that could have been used for titillating possible last sex ever on cotton candy eating and Ferris wheel riding and Milk Bottle breaking. None of those are sexy euphemisms.

One lousy panel?! And it looks like it was lifted from a pornographic Sailor Moon manga which I totally don't own any of at all and if Doom Bunny says otherwise, he's a big fat liar!

Kate goes off to war the next morning and Maggie sits around crying just waiting for her Dear Jane letter.

Kate meets Amanda at the train station where they get on a magic train full of women doing things men do! And probably better, I must say if I want women reading this to say, "Oh! Tess is just trying to make up for his usual sexist crap!" Kate meets her teammates Doctor Light and Big Barda. Waller gives her her mission which is to enter Berlin as a spy and hit Hitler over the head with a baseball bat shouting, "Baseball is better than cricket!" She has to shout that because the Brits also have an operative going after Hitler! Her name is also Batwoman but she uses a cricket bat, of course. The Americans figure if the Brits beat them to it, the attempted assassination will just wind up being unintentional comedy. A cricket bat will never knock out Hitler's brains! For that, a Louisville Slugger is needed!

Kate also finds out about her contact.

Oh yeah. Now that's the Bat/Cat relationship I want to see!

That's the end of the first story which is a pretty good ending because it leaves the reader full of sexy thoughts about the Cat and the Bat giggling together as they write Maggie's Dear Jane letter after fucking.

The second story begins in The Cabaret of The Joker's Daughter. Some of the German soldiers who came to see Zatanna's burlesque show have been chosen to be sacrificed in a magic ritual. The Joker's Daughter sings the English version of the song which the German sang at the beginning of the first episode of this story. But she sings it all wrong because her lyrics are nothing like my translation. She's such a moron.

Zatanna is forced to help with the ritual since she's the one that knows magic. The Joker's Daughter doesn't know magic at all. Hell, she doesn't even know any good jokes. Double hell, she is a joke! At least Ann Nocenti's version of her is. I guess this is a new version so I don't have to hate her with a passionate psychotic rage.

Some creature named Tenebrus the Binder is created from the bodies of the Germans. Tenebrus takes the form of Spider Jerusalem. The Joker's Daughter is given the job of being its handler. Zatanna decides things have gotten out of control and runs back to her dressing room so that the most adorable character in DC Comics' entire history can be spotlighted in one panel.

Oh my god! He's so scruffy! Awww!

The final story this issue isn't about Starrikov and Stargirlikov. It's the sex romp starring Wonder Woman, Mera, and Steve Trevor's penis.

"Penis."

Mera is a total gossip who can't stop pointing out how much Wonder Woman wants to sit on Steve Trevor's mysterious man parts. But Wonder Woman is all, "He is sick! I let all sick people bring me to orgasm with their mouths! It is...um...just something that helps!" But then Mera's Sea Chariot is struck by a shell from a tank and everybody flies into the water! Mera manages to keep Steve Trevor from drowning by shoving his penis in her vagina.

I know! Totally gasp!

Wonder Woman heads inland to check out modern war with her own eyes and it pisses her off. She decides to subdue her enemies rather than kill them because she'll only kill when there is no other way. Mera also does some stuff and she threatens to make me forget all about Batwoman and begin researching local laws against having sex with comic book characters.

Bunny Constantine who?

The Germans surrender and then General Lane comes rolling along in his tank. He recognizes Steve Trevor and realizes that these women are the kinds of women Amanda Waller's lady parts have been engorged over for her Bombshells project. He doesn't seem to have a comment on Mera's dolphins floating in bubbles behind her. If I were Mera, I would have created cute little legs made out of water for them to walk about on land.

DC Comics Bombshells #3 Rating: +2 Ranking. I'm glad somebody at DC had the sense to turn their Bombshells covers into this particular comic book. Although if it had been left up to the regular decision makers at DC, this comic book would be all tits and ass and little personality. I know in real life most people look for tits and ass over personality (unless you're a woman and then you drop the tits and probably pretend you're into senses of humor and ass) but that would have ruined this comic book. Marguerite Bennett can be completely forgiven for any part she had in the creation of Twat Lobo now that she's brought this into the world. I'm sure she was helped by Marguerite Sauvage and her editiors, Jessica Chen and Jim Chadwick. Whatever and whoever came up with this thing, I just want to thank them because this is a fun comic book that looks amazing and has Constantine as a smoking bunny. Plus it kind of gets me horny and that's always a plus. I meant the lady empowerment turns me on! Not the other stuff that probably titillates the uncouth!

Bombshells #1

I'm already viewing this material inappropriately.

I will be referring to DC Comics' new comic book, "DC Comics Bombshells," as just "Bombshells" because DC Comic's DC Comics Bombshells sounds stupid. Although when Marvel comes out with their Marvel Bombshells, I will be sure to differentiate between the two so as not to confuse all the horny bastards reading this comic book.

Let me try to explain feminism's biggest hurdle in a way that doesn't make me sound like the misogynist I probably am! No matter how feminist a woman's presentation of ideas might be, no matter how the source engages the mind and logically points to the benefits of feminism to everybody in the patriarchy, no matter how threatening and scary the source material is toward those who have chosen not to see women as equal individuals within our society, no matter any possible thing at all which you can think of, some guy is still standing off to the side thinking about how he wants to fuck the woman engaging the audience. Like the ever present Eye of Sauron, the Male Gaze sees all, sexualizing and objectifying as it sweeps past.

Of course, these women in this comic book are supposed to be sexy. They are, after all, bombshells. Which means they're so sexy they will explode your pants.

The issue begins like this and now everything I read and say for the rest of the week will come out sounding like an overenthusiastic newsreel speaker who sounds like he's coming down off of a major methamphetamine bender delivered via helium balloon.

So instead of Bruce discovering the pain and grief of losing his parents in a mugging turned to murder, he discovers boners and masturbation. I have a feeling he's going to turn into a super hero with a seriously inappropriate nickname.

It's quite clever, isn't it? I don't mean that sarcastically the way I usually mean "It's quite clever" sarcastically. I really mean it this time! World War II. Bombshells. Women's baseball. Batwoman but with a baseball bat instead of a flying rat bat! It's the kind of clever that makes you think, "Why is my life such a fucking trainwreck of stupidity and lewd nonsense?" It's probably best you don't try to answer that question, especially as you get older because soon you'll have more stupidity and lewd nonsense in your past then you'll know how to cope with.

The women on the Gotham all-female baseball team wear masks because some guys who don't like having boners are against women in short skirts playing baseball. I was just about to type up another thought when I simply typed "butt" after typing that last sentence. My brain and fingers are rebelling! Sorry, fellas! We wasted the entire day doing nothing and now we have to write commentaries. The butts will have to wait.

Oh no! A gang of criminals are robbing the people in the cheap seats! They might make off with a buck forty-two if somebody doesn't stop them!

Rich people apparently used to love to go to fictional Gotham Knights games in 1940 because the criminals stuff their sack full of bills as opposed to nickels and dimes like I would have expected. And they would have been happy to have those nickels and dimes! That shit was like gold hundreds of years ago in the 1940s.

That last sentence was for readers of the future! I hope you're all fucking sweltering under a toxic sky full of ozone and carbon dioxide, you still living assholes! I'm so envious!

I think this is sexist because it portrays Batwoman as a woman who doesn't know the difference between home plate and the other bases. Unless it was Marguerite Sauvage who didn't know that. Or maybe it was Marguerite Bennett who wrote this scene imagining that home plate was something a person could just pick up and throw at criminals like this base which Batwoman does pick up which isn't home and thus ruins the effectiveness of her one-liner. That criminal nailed his retort with that "broad" quip though! Zing!

I just realized that by doing a commentary on this comic book, it's like I'm literally walking through a minefield! I mean, not literally literally! More figuratively literally but with a really close association between the name of the comic book (Bombshells!) and the mines in a minefield! Because bombshells have bombs in them and minefields are full of bombs and I'm going to step on at least five or six sexist comments before I'm done with this thing.

I think you'd better open up a bit more free time because, as I proved earlier, your insults are a bit off the mark. They're like curve balls!

This is probably a sexist statement so just skip the rest of this short paragraph if you're the type of person who wants to ruin somebody's life because they say something sexist. Although it might also be an empowering statement exuding feminist ideals as well! The line between sexist and empowering is often so hard for me to see! I mean, is Batwoman being empowering or is she being sexualized? It feels empowering to me but my boner says otherwise! Wait! That wasn't the sexist statement I meant to type! That was me just rambling! Here's what I was going to say: I find baseball really fucking boring but if it were being played by females only, I think I'd give it another chance.

Batwoman and her girls tie up the bad men and shove baseballs into their mouths. Is that how ball gags were invented? Is "is that how ball gags were invented" a ball gag?! Get it?! Ha ha! I've had plenty of free time to think these up!

Maggie Sawyer stops by with half the GCPD so the Gotham Knights skedaddle since I guess it's illegal to play baseball and catch criminals at the same time. Maggie Sawyer is all, "Look at my fantastic forties hair-do! Why did this go out of fashion? And the clothes! Everybody was so dapper!"

Oh Kate! Looking gorgeous and a Hemingway put-down to boot?! The last thing I need is to fall in love with a fictional lesbian!

Later Mags and Kates shower together. But it happens off-panel so I'm able to keep reading without needing a, well, um, "bathroom break." The next scene does have them sleeping in bed in sexy nightgowns but it in no way makes up for cutting the shower scene. What does make up for cutting the shower scene, though, is the appearance of a new character landing a plane on the roof of their apartment.

Yes! Best comic ever outside of the DC Youniverse's main continuity (which is currently pretty flimsy itself)!

This story was fun and evocative and beautifully drawn! I suppose I should also say that the lettering did not distract from the story (although the font was a smidgen too small) and the coloring helped the art to leap off of the page! I don't want to hurt the feelings of the letterer and the colorist although I might have already hurt the colorist's feelings when I said Sauvage might not know certain details about baseball. This is the type of story that should comprise fifty percent of comic books on a yearly basis. This is the kind of comic book story that people shouldn't have to see as being feminist because it should just be one of any number of stories led by women because some stories are that way and some stories are the other way. This story was smart and engaging and adorable and it's only the first of three in this comic book! Yowzers! I don't know if I can handle two more like it!

The next story takes place in the same year but the location is off the coast of Greece. You all know what that means! Insert sodomy joke here for some reason! Why is Greece always portrayed as the place where men engage, liberally, in butt-stuff? Back in Richard F. Burton's day in the Middle East, the Persians were thought of as the guys who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp and the ram in the rama lama ding dong. Also, the bop in the bop shoo bop shoo bop and the dip in the dip da dip da dip. Maybe Middle Easterners still think that way while Westerners think the thing about Greece. Personally, I don't get it. If they like butt play, more power to them! Stop being such prudes, America!

After an introduction to Steve Trevor and his obsession with Wagner, he crashes his plane and awakens washed up on the shores of Paradise Island to become a prisoner of Wonder Woman. I expended all of my words on the Batwoman story so we'll have to cut this one short and say that it ends with Steve Trevor's plane singing as it sinks to the bottom of the ocean where a huge eye looks at it. I think.

The final story takes place in Moscow because Supergirl would be so sexy with a Russian accent. That was probably the whole reasoning behind having her raised by Russians.

Does Kara not know she's a super hero yet? Maybe her powers don't kick in until she deep kisses another woman! Or has her first orgasm! No, if it's that one, she's not going to be Supergirl for another fifteen years! I don't think women had yet discovered orgasms in 1940.

A guy hits on Kara and points out that his fingers can do wondrous things. Like tie a perfect bow? Or play a harp? I think he must mean something more vulgar because Kara flicks him in the head and gives him irreparable brain damage. Afterward, she and her buddy Kortni Stargirlikov head off to the airfield to get their flying assignments.

Amanda and Kate are also at the airfield on a mission for Task Force XX. But they're not part of this story yet! They still haven't even made it to this point in their own story! So that will have to wait until next month. Until then, Kortni needs to blow up in an airplane which just seems a bit, um, inappropriate? No?

Kara saves her friend and the two planes and lands among the other Night Witches. But having super powers is against the law in a Communist nation unless you can share your powers with everybody else. So Lady Nightwitch tells the other Night Witches to arrest Kara and Kortni and throw them in a gulag where they'll probably just break out considering the demonstration of power everybody just witnessed.

Bombshells #1 Rating: I purchase comic books mostly to be entertained. I suppose I also purchase them to distract me from the dark gulf of non-existence coming ever closer, snorting and shuffling and breathing its hot bull breath on the back of my neck, day after ever-quickening day! This comic book did both in spades! I hardly once thought about the cold dark of the grave while enjoying the stories contained within the comic book's pages. The setting may be over fifty years older than the majority of the people reading the book but it translates well while not losing any of the feeling and sensibility of the time evoked through its more than competent words and its nearly flawless art. If this comic book were the broad it's pretending to be, I would totally stare at her from afar and wish I could have sex with her while knowing full well that I am not, nor would ever be, worthy of her notice. I would even know better than to go back to staring at her after she caught me looking once or twice because compared to her, I'm a disgusting, loathsome beast not fit to experience the same light waves reflected off of her own eyes. I would sully her simply by making eye contact! I'm so gross and horrendous!