Red Hood and the Outlaws #10

The focal point of this cover is Starfire's crotch. Enjoy!

Jason Todd and his crew are now in Miami being Outlaws. Why is this title called "Red Hood and the Outlaws"? Why are Starfire and Roy classified as outlaws? What have they done? It should be "Red Hood and the Cum Dumpsters." Oh, come on! You know Speedy's done a little male prostitution to pay for the heroin habit which I'm sure he had even in the reboot since his life has fallen apart. Anyway, they're in Miami. Jason Todd is just finishing up an all night date filled with talking (by his date) and constant Narration Boxing (by him). Nobody else finds this Narration Boxing annoying? Nobody? Am I the only one in the world that doesn't constantly narrate my life? Oh, sure, I might sing shit occasionally like seeing raccoons and fucking bunnies. But I don't think to myself as it's happening, "I was driving down the road when the raccoon crossed the street in front of me. Have you ever seen anything more adorable? I know I haven't. You know, I've heard they can be pretty vicious. But they're so fuzzy with those little hands, I find it hard to believe. You know?" Scott Lobdell seems to think that's how people do act as shown in the panels below.

Does Scott Lobdell not know he's writing comic books? I can see that you're looking up. I can see you gripping her hard. Stop telling me what I see! This is a comic book not a radio drama!

I wonder if Lobdell looks at the art and thinks, "You know? Kenny didn't quite get quite get across how big this alien is. I better tell the reader it's huge!"

Of course, when a gigantic albino ape alien with an incredibly large penis axe falls out of the sky, the first thing you should do is begin shooting at it. No, wait! The first thing you should do is take your red mask out of your man purse and put it on. Then you can begin shooting it.

Maybe that's a picnic basket and not a man purse. It's hard to tell since not a single Narration Box told me what I was looking at.

Turns out, Starfire knows this pastry puff. Just another unnecessary combat to jazz the adolescent boys that are the only audience Scott Lobdell seems capable of writing to. He's some guy named Orn. Tamaran is in trouble and even though the people of Tamaran don't really care about Starfire (according to Emo Starfire), she's willing to go with Orn to help Tamaran. Roy and Jason continually call Starfire's old friend names because they are racist devils. Eventually, they're all beamed up to the ship.

Jason Todd's date. When bullets were flying and giant axes were swinging, she was casual and calm. Now that everyone is talking rationally, she's become horribly afraid. "Oh my God! Do they expect me to participate in intelligent conversation?!"

The Outlaws are teleported on board the Tamaranean spacecraft while it's in Quantum Space because Lobdell must be a Babylon Five fan. I wonder if he thinks watching that show is akin to taking a college physics course. I have no idea what the Tamaranean technology is supposed to be like but it seems they were able to teleport everyone from Earth to the ship while it was traveling in "Quantum Space" while nearing its return destination to Tamaran. So they teleported halfway across the Universe? Or is "Quantum Space" travel nearly instantaneous? Fuck if I care. Scott Lobdell's the one that made up "Mars Standard Time" and "The Universal Chronal Chart established by Salvator Grotto in 1856." He might possibly be the worst Science Fiction writer I've ever read.

Turns out Isabella, Jason's date, was also somehow teleported to the ship. I guess the Tamaraneans use a less exact teleportation technology than Star Trek used. "Beam up every life form in a ten Ceplictial Tantrit!"

I don't know. I'd pronounce that with two syllables. I guess it could sound like the "Eeee!" in my blog's name but then why not spell it that way? Why confuse the issue and make it seem like it should be "Eye-Eee"?

Starfire takes command of the Starfire to battle the alien invaders threatening her home planet. And since the story ends with "Next: Blackfire!" it looks like the threat has most likely been caused by Starfire's jerk-off sister. You know, Blackfire!

And since that story was only fourteen pages long, there is a six page back up story starring Essence! Oh joy!

That was a sarcastic "Oh joy!"

Essence chases after an Untitled who has discovered the Lifehammer which will kill Essence? I don't know. It seemed like the first story arc of Red Hood was leading to Jason Todd tracking down and killing the last five or six Untitled. But lately he's been distracted by other things so I guess Essence is going to have to do all of the work even though she's one of those Untitled. Except she's different somehow since she was the child of the Untitled although she was still changed into an Untitled at the same time they were. So, you know, different somehow.

Essence tracks down this guy and then he gets the drop on her and she kneels on the ground threatening him in her own mind and then admitting it's all bravado. All in her own mind.

I'm pretty sure the first three Narration Boxes were supposed to be speech bubbles. But what the fuck do I know? I'm just an asshole giving DC money for this bullshit.

Red Hood and the Outlaws #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm pretty sure that only in the field of Comic Books can someone who is incapable of writing have such a long and, apparently, successful career. I guess when your audience is mostly a bunch of barely literate preadolescent scumbag boys (I was once one of these, so no disrespect meant!), you really don't have to put much thought or care into your stories. Lesson learned: I'm writing to the wrong fucking audience!