Catwoman #10

What the hell have I done in this lifetime that put me in this place where I'm reading a story about The Catwoman fighting The Dollhouse?

No, you know what? I'm fine with my choices! But what were the choices of a Gotham City thug that led him to the moniker Dollhouse? What are his super powers? Does he shove tiny furniture into his orifices? Does he split down the middle to see his interior? Are tiny people living inside of him? Why does he wear the same boots as Catwoman?

The comic begins with a couple of ethically upstanding Gotham City Police Officers marveling at the fact that there are some morally bankrupt Gotham City Police Officers up to no good.

Catwoman has been staking out the red light district trying to find the guy she and Spark had a run-in with a few issues ago. She eventually finds him and while confronting him, she begins a narration box very uncomfortably.

To find out how much of a depraved lunatic you are, complete this sentence and then compare it with the original which follows.

I put a poll up on Facebook to see how my friends finish the sentence but my Facebook friends suck at participating in anything that doesn't involve their own narcissistic lives so I probably won't get any answers. Also, the question will probably make them feel uncomfortable. They're just all lucky I didn't post the half-finished sentence directly to their walls. Yeah, that's a threat.

Here are some of my friends' completed sentences:

"Kids and sex workers have way more of my money than I ever intended."

Catwoman's stakeout paid off and she discovered this snot-rag green-dreaded trench coat abducting a young male prostitute. So she kicks him in the face very sexily and then kicks the gun out his hands while making me feel funny in the pants. Luckily for Dollhouse (I'm just going to assume this guy is Dollhouse since it's the same guy as on the cover and the cover seems to imply (or outright state?) that he's Dollhouse) he has a sub-machine gun in his coat because he lost his pistol. I wonder if he loses his sub-machine gun, he'll pull out an assault rifle. And then maybe a rocket launcher. And then possibly a framed picture of his dead wife.

While bullets are littering the streets of Gotham seeking one of Catwoman's vital organs, Selina does some serious Batgirl-style Narration Boxing. It's like she's talking casually to a friend about how bad she is in her Pilates class. She also begins another Narration Box in an uncomfortable way.

"...in a box in my apartment."

Instead of being shot in the head and killed like Batwoman's cat when she was ten years old, Catwoman survives because Spark shows up out of nowhere in a stolen car to save her latexed ass. But Catwoman doesn't want saving! She wants to a Dollhouse!

I told you he'd escalate to an assault rifle! Actually, he never had a sub-machine gun. March's foreshortening on the gun fooled me into thinking it was a much smaller weapon.

Spark and Catwoman get away even though Catwoman wants to go back and help the street kids because she was once in the same position. So Spark forces her to not go back and help because he thinks she'll be killed or busted by the cops arriving on scene. And then when he's restraining her and she opens up to him and becomes vulnerable, he kisses her. It all seems a bit degrading and out of Selina's control but she kisses him back because she's messed up. And maybe she's secretly hoping that Batman is watching. I'm pretty sure if Sparks new that Catwoman had a history with Batman, he'd keep his dick in his criminal dick in his pants.

Meanwhile, back at Dollhouse's house, his agenda is made clear.

I wish this had been an episode of Little House on the Prairie and Dollhouse was Doc Baker.

Catwoman decides she needs some help tracking down Dollhouse and she's not approaching Spark for the job. She decided on some professional help since she's actually doing the work of one of those goody-two shoes capes to help those kids and sex workers.

I'm pretty sure she broke her zipper while fleeing from the guys who broke into her apartment in issue #1 because it hasn't been pulled up all the way since. Or maybe she got some of Batman's pubes stuck in it.

So now Catwoman will be working with one of the few good cops in Gotham who also would like to bust Catwoman for all the robberies she's committed recently. And the bad cops of Gotham are working with Sparks to kill Catwoman and get their money returned. I knew Sparks was a jerk the way he took advantage of Catwoman in the alley. I wonder if Catwoman got a whiff of that as well and that's why she chose Alvarez to be her partner instead of Sparky.

Catwoman #10 Rating: No change. Good book with a weird villain but nothing special about this issue. Unless Sparks being a bad guy is a gigantic reveal. Isn't anyone that gets close to Catwoman a jerk except for Batman or whoever her current fence is?

Here's the next scene I want to see in Catwoman: Catwoman appearing in the Batcave and Alfred asking her to take off her costume. Her reacting flirtatiously with the old man thinking he's hitting on her and Alfred tsking her and requesting permission to fix that goddamned zipper.