Legion Lost #10

Ten issues in and I still can't name everyone in this group. Bad memory or general disinterest?

Legion Lost escaped in a Time Bubble at the end of the last issue they were in (I think that was Teen Titans #9). Besides escaping from the horror that was The Culling Crossover, they're also returning home in their stolen Time Bubble! Or so they think! I have a feeling they're going to remain lost. But maybe having them lost in time like the Time Bandits will be far more interesting. Maybe they should go around collecting forgotten DC Heroes through time, sort of like Bill and Ted in that movie where they went around gathering up a bunch of strangers to do their report for them. If you were completely ignorant of history, what would Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure be like to watch? What if your friend at the theater was that person? Every time they'd arrive at a new time, she'd lean over and say, "Who is that? Where are they? What the fuck?" But you wouldn't mind because every time she leaned over, her boob would press against your arm.

I don't know! You tell me! You're the narrator!

When you're traveling through time in a time bubble, does it matter how many moments have passed? How exactly is the craft "speeding"? I guess it's speeding because it's making them move through time faster than a normal person moves through time. So it's not an instantaneous trip. I mean, we're all time travelers, right? We just do it at a really stupidly slow pace. Although when we get to the end of our time traveling destination, we're dead, so I guess I wouldn't mind if the pace were quite a bit slower.

Because Red Robin becomes a vampire at some point, lives until the 31st Century, and then takes a Time Bubble back in time (despite Flashpoint) to make sure Red Robin becomes a vampire. Duh!

Like the cover shows, Legion arrives home to find everything destroyed. And Gates points out they only missed their return destination by one or two years. So what's going on? OMG!

Maybe since it was Harvest's Time Bubble, it took them into Harvest's future. Now Legion Lost is going to realize that Harvest really is trying to save the world. Or maybe this is the future that happens because Legion Lost should never have left the island past! Now Jack they have to get back and set things right by destroying Harvest.

And might I also ask: What the fuck happened to Flashpoint? Why were they able to Time Travel? Perhaps this wasn't a Time Bubble at all but a Time Bubble Simulator for learning Time Bubble Drivers. That makes the most sense because writers can't already be breaking the Flashpoint rule, can they? I mean, Flash can. But not Legion! Unless Brainiac 5 figures it out.

Oh no! The entirety of France has been wiped out!

Wildfire and Dawnstar explore Earth orbit to find lots of debris. Gates teleports around the world and finds lots of debris. Tellus scans for signs of life and detects none (not even his teammates!). And Tyroc stands around thinking about THE PROPHECY! Until Timberwolf yells at him to be a leader.

Why is Tyroc such an asshole? Always striking out at his teammates? And I guess saying "not" when you're not actually witty or quick or a good writer comes back in 1000 years!

Shagadelic, baby!

Back in the present, Colonel Steve Trevor of ARGUS (Advanced Research Group Uniting Superheroes, or Daisy Chain as the military guys like to call it) is putting an agent, Major Nicholson, on capturing or killing the members of Legion because they were seen to be involved in that Ravagers attack in New York that knocked everyone out in a 3 mile radius. ARGUS must use a different thesaurus than I do because under "uniting" I don't find killing, destroying, eliminating, or murdering. Perhaps a different one of the dozen covert groups in the DCnU should be handling this. Although weren't The Black Razors already dealing with this? It was a Black Razor facility that Legion were being held at in an earler comic and now this Homeland Security guy tells Major Nicholson, "We hear great things bout you, Major. You and your team at the...umm...clinic in Madison, Wisconsin." So are The Black Razors part of ARGUS? Because The Black Razors were actually part of Blackhawks. Do they all fall under the umbrella of ARGUS? Including Checkmate and Task Force X? Stop being so confusing with your Black Ops teams, DC.

Major Nicholson already has Oz in custody. Oz was the guy helping Timberwolf make money by stealing from drug dealers. They have footage of him with Timberwolf and have confiscated his stolen cell phone. I think he has pictures of Rose Wilson fighting Timberwolf on the phone, so maybe that'll help clear Legion's name.

I don't add extra salt to my food but fries without salt? Why not just eat a deep-fried sponge?

Back to the future, Chameleon Girl must be shapeshifted as Wildfire.

I just love pointing out when the Letterer sticks the speech bubble on the wrong character. Dumb dumbs!

The team comes up with a plan to Time Travel backwards a decade at a time until they find a living Legion of Super Heroes. Fuck you, Flashpoint! Tom DeFalco is taking a stand and declaring, "I won't be a follower! I won't listen to the editorial direction at DC which declares no Time Travel! I hopefully won't be back at Marvel in a few months!" Oh, I'm sure he has clearance to do this time travel thing in his story. I'm sure there's a very creative reason for it. Like they're not really time traveling; they're surfing alternate dimensions. But not any of the real 52 dimensions! This is, um, an alternate dimensional timeline that doesn't involve Time Travel or one of the other 52 Earths. This is a very special exception!

Back to the past, Homeland Security has decided that they want a Black Ops program of their very own to muddy the muddy mud even more.

Is this the TSA of Superhero groups? They should be fatter.

Sometimes I can't tell when a writer is being funny or when a writer is just writing poorly. This group is supposed to be stupid, right? Tom DeFalco was sitting in his office and thought, "You know? Homeland Security can't do anything right. What if they created their own version of The Avengers? It would totally suck!" And then he turned Captain America into Metamerican and Black Widow and Hawkeye into Gunner and The Hulk into Wideload and Thor or Iron Man into Trip because that was all that was left. Oh, and look at the women bonding! Yay for bonding women!

Major Nicholson: "We need more women blowing people's brains out."
Gunner: "We also need more women leading young people into battle to get their brains blown out!"
Major Nicholson and Gunner: *SQUEAL!* HUGZ!

Back to the future, Legion Lost find that the Time Bubble won't respond to their controls. It returns them to the past and lands in the crater in Antarctica. They come to the conclusion that Harvest pre-programmed the Time Bubble because he knew they'd find it and do exactly what they just did. This Harvest guy has thought of everything! Except that one thing where Beast Boy got away. That's the one flaw in his otherwise multi-multi-multi-level complex plan of everything timed to the microsecond.

Dawnstar and Wildfire remain in Antarctica to search for clues to Harvest's whereabouts while the rest of the team heads to New York to fall into Major Nicholson's trap. They're going back to their apartment to get their stuff and Oz has probably sold them out, so Super TSA will probably be waiting for them.

Okay, so Oz didn't sell them out. But he tried! Homeland Security was just too cheap to pay him off.

Timber Wolf and Chameleon Girl go to find Oz. When they do, Timber Wolf smells Project Metamerican and tries to get everyone to take cover. But Gunner isn't named Gunner for nothing! Although I would have named her xXsNiPeR69Xx.

Oh, don't worry, Timber Wolf fan. Those were probably special ARGUS Super Hero Uniting Bullets which will just tranquilize him.

Legion Lost #10: No change. I almost gave this comic a +1 Rating but I realized most of that was just the thrill of The Culling being over. I can't reward a comic that is allowed to break the Flashpoint rule just for a plot point! Bad form! But the comic is getting better. I think I'm far enough removed to not be as bitter about DeFalco completely blowing up Nicieza's storyline and changing everything about this comic book as soon as he took over. Although now that I mention that, what the hell was that about? Sheesh, DeFalco. Stop being such a dick. You might as well have just pissed in Fabian's face.