Friday, October 11, 2013

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #1

Anybody else wish they'd just gone straight to Wonder Woman/Batman?

By the looks of the fold-out cover (which you can see entirely by picking up any DC comic from last month and looking at the advert for this issue), Brian Azzarello's Wonder Woman is finally going to be incorporated into The New 52. The only hint that Wonder Woman doesn't take place on a parallel Earth has been one panel in Teen Titans where it's suggested that Lennox is Wonder Girl's father. Other than that, Azzarello has been given a free pass to not have to deal with editorial. Lucky!

I have no idea what this comic book is going to be about. Will it be about how two full time crime fighters try to balance their love life? No, that's the theme of Batman/Superman. I hope it isn't full of drama and characters pouting because a certain someone isn't paying enough attention to a different certain someone. I just hope there are some sex scenes involving the Lasso and Krypto. And Bizarro.

I just glanced at the cover to check the rating on this comic book: Teen. Which means Superman can have sex but Wonder Woman can't. But it might not matter anyway since Clark was raised a good boy and was probably taught that sex before marriage is bad. Wonder Woman was probably taught that sex was a wonderful way to express love and joy between two women and that marriage was a vile institution that relegated a woman to a secondary character in the story of her husband's life. So as you can see, these two were made for each other.

I believe this issue is beginning in the middle of one of Clark's sex dreams.

Clark and Diana (that would be Superman and Wonder Woman to the less knowledgeable comic book fans out there. Don't feel bad if you didn't catch their secret identities. I'm a professional and you really shouldn't compare your mundane, average skill sets to those of professionals) are actually out in the Atlantic stopping a hurricane. Superman should probably be careful before the Parliament of Weather points out that he's screwing with the natural order of things and ruining the world. Although it's probably not a natural hurricane since when Superman dives down to trespass on Aquaman's turf, he discovers something glowing red at the source of the hurricane. He says, "Oh, no." Just like that. With a comma and a period. It sounds like it's not something good but his delivery lacks the emotion of it being something actually dangerous. It's like coming home one night to find the door to your apartment unlocked and suddenly remembering your mother was in town to visit. "Oh, no."

Here's my speculation for the source of the hurricane although it won't be revealed until after a flashback: one of Supergirl's Kryptonian Sunstone Vibrators.

The flashback to earlier takes place at the Ace of Clubs in Metropolis and involves Clark Kent discussing Catclarkropolis Clarkcatropolis business decisions with Cat Grant.

I've had pretty good blog success hating on Scott Lobdell!

I couldn't quite remember the name of Cat and Clark's blog, so I asked Lord Google. As noted above with my strike-thru, I had it backwards at first. And Lord Google was no help in notifying me that I had it backwards except in the passive-aggressive way he returned no hits for my search. So I switched to looking up "Cat Grant" and "Clark Kent" and "blog" and found a number of sites with reviews of Superman #WhateverNumberTheSuggestionForTheWebsiteWasIn. Now I didn't take a very good sample, but it seems like there are people who actually like Scott Lobdell's run on Superman. Fucking heathens.

So Clark and Cat are--I mean, they actually said things like his plots were okay! I only have one question to ask those bloggers: have you ever read anything that was written well ever in your life ever ever?! If you're reading this blog, that's a strike against you already! I was flabbergasted in much the same way when I found people actually enjoyed Rob Liefeld's art. Some things are subjective opinions but Rob Liefeld not being good at the art and Scott Lobdell not being good at the writing are objective facts! I have pleaded with fans of Liefeld to write an essay taking one work of his and pointing out why it's good with precise details as opposed to sweeping generalizations like "his art is kinetic." I now ask Scott Lobdell fans to please do the same. Try to convince me that he's not horrible! Anybody?

Anyway, Clark needs to scoop up some scoops so that Clarkcatropolis will finally begin getting some traffic.

Speaking of websites and getting traffic, I'd really like to hear from some readers how they found this blog and what they enjoy about it. I should probably make a separate post for that but I also probably won't because I'm fucking busy with shit and stuff. Writing sentences like that doesn't just happen without any time and effort put in! I pick and choose my words very, very, very carefully! It's like fuckin' poetry, bitches. So send me an Anonymous Message via the Anonymous Message Button wherever the fuck that is and tell me how you found this site and what you like about it. Don't tell me what you dislike about it because I can't handle that kind of fucking criticism and it'll send me into a downward spiral of hopelessness and despair where I question everything I've ever done with my life and why am I even bothering to try anything anymore? In the meantime, I'll keep reading comic books and hoping that DC's quality picks up about 34%.

Elsewhere, Batman is snapping one off into a Batcumrag.

Wonder Woman is busy sparring with somebody named Hessia. I might be familiar with her if I'd ever read any Wonder Woman comic book ever besides Azzarello's run. I'm not sure how I was really a DC Kid growing up when I never really read Superman, Batman, and Wonder Woman. Hell, I don't think I really read Green Lantern or The Flash either! What the fuck was I reading then? Although I did get some Batman since he couldn't help starring in every other comic book series DC published. And my first favorite series was Batman and the Outsiders, so I guess I stretched the truth a bit when I used the word "never."

Hessia is an Amazon that left Paradise Island years ago and has aged since leaving. Diana's fairly certain that won't happen to her though since her father was Zeus. What Diana is really concerned about is that her mother and the other Amazons are still slithering about Paradise Island as snakes because of Hera. And Hera can't change them back now that she's getting along with Diana because Hera has become mortal. I'm glad to see Diana at least paying some cursory attention to that situation since it's kind of been put on the back burner over in her comic book.

Most of Tony S. Daniel's artwork so far in The New 52 has left me less than impressed. But this issue looks really good. Overall I'm impressed with way more panels than I'm disappointed with! I think that's a pretty big compliment coming from this blog!

Back to the present, Wonder Woman is busy rescuing what looks like a military transport jet that was busy minding its own business and crashing into the hurricane and then, immediately after that, into the ocean. As she's saving it, Tony S. Daniel decides he needs some big splash pages to show Wonder Woman clinging to the bottom of the plane. Yeah, well, okay! She looks good doing that! And then Superman comes crashing up out of the ocean and straight through the plane. Judging by this occurrence, I suspect his "Oh, no." should have had a little more "OH HOLY FUCKING GOD NO!" added to it.

Wonder Woman saves the pilots, handing them over to Superman to take to land since he's much faster and a better flyer and they're less likely to grope him as he rescues them. While Superman is gone, Wonder Woman is knocked out by, I think, the plane exploding and she drops down into the ocean. It's also possibly that whatever punched Superman into the sky crashed through the plane or threw a whale at it. Or the plane was struck by lightning. I suppose, just like life, answers aren't always as clear as we think they should be. Thanks for that reminder, Tony and Charles! I almost forgot and was thinking I had a purpose!

The story returns to earlier that day while Clark and Diana are having a dinner date out on Diana's balcony in London. It's here we get the first relationship drama of the series! Wonder Woman wants everybody to know that she's bagged Superman but Superman doesn't like being in the public eye. So he wants to keep their relationship a secret.

Which is why Clark took her on a date to one of Lois's parties over in an issue of Superman? Because the best way to keep it secret that Clark Kent is dating Diana 'Wonder Woman' Prince is to bring her as your date to a party filled with journalists! It's a good thing Hector Hammond was fucking with everybody's minds that night. Clark must have had second thoughts afterwards and spun the date as a mass hallucination to go along with all the other weird shit that was being said and done at that party.

And all Clark gave Diana was a stupid plant that needs cooking oil instead of water.

Meanwhile, somebody mailed a clip of Superman and Wonder Woman smooching to the offices of But Cat Grant has forgotten how to read non-electronic mail, so it just winds up in the stack to never be read. Or to be a major plot point many issues down the line.

And then it becomes clear how the plane blew up! It was fired upon by the KNM Naddodor, the ship that the pilots of the crashing plane were radioing for help. They came to the conclusion that the plane was being brought down by the jerko super-heroes that were actually trying to rescue it. That's understandable! Especially considering, in the eyes of the ship's crew, their missiles just blew up the fucking pilots as well. You know, you can't spell military without collateral damage!

Wonder Woman climbs onto the battleship, rips out some turrets, and chastises the crew. And then the thing under the ocean that was not one of Supergirl's Kryptonian Sunstone Vibrators appears on the deck of the ship with Wonder Woman.

Oh, no.

Wonder Woman, having grown up with strange and massive mythological creatures, decides to attack Doomsday. And while she may have been trained by War to fight, she never learned how to not get her skull crushed when a massive, super-strong beast manages to grab her head with its rock hard fingers. Whoops! The relationship may have just come to an end!

Superman Loves Wonder Woman #1 Rating: I have an open slot at #7 and that's where I'm beginning this comic book. Fuck all you naysayers and hatesayers and nayhaters and such! Superman and Wonder Woman kissing and being a couple may have been a gimmick when it first happened. Hell, there was no "may have" about it! It absolutely was a gimmick since nearly nothing had come of their relationship after that. Maybe that scene in Khandaq where Batman tells them to get a room. But not much more than that. But now after having read this issue? I'm all for it! I'm a fan! Keep this shit up! And Doomsday?! Really? I don't know but I thought that reveal was pretty cool. That's why I like being spoiler-free (as well as child-free but that doesn't really have anything to do with this, does it?)! And I enjoy being a hypocrite by spoiling every issue of The New 52 every month! Although, to be fair, I don't spoil anything before the book is on the rack. And if you read just one of my commentaries, you pretty much know that I'm not hiding anything! So I'm sorry for spoiling that one comic book when you first discovered this site and read through the first commentary. But I'm not sorry for spoiling any other books because you have a fucking brain with which to interpret evidence!

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