Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Sinestro #1 (Let's try this again, shall we?)

Something about Hal Jordan's asshole and Spirograph.

I hope nobody reblogged my last attempt at this Sinestro commentary because I've been getting mysterious, threatening calls all morning telling me to take it down. And I will! As soon as I can get my niece over here to show me how to delete posts from Tumblr. In the meantime, on to Sinestro #1!

The issue begins with Alyssa Dark or something talking about Sinestro or someone. What was that?

I think I just heard somebody, sounding very close to the back of my ear, whisper, "Betrayer." Maybe I just didn't get enough sleep. Anyway, Sinestro! Let's see how he became a Professional Villain!

If he's such a great archaeologist, why is he spray painting those ruins? Jerko.

Sinestro got into archaeology for all the wrong reasons! If he wanted to learn about the future, he should have studied Postarchaeology! But I suppose that's the moral of this tale. Sinestro has always done things for the wrong reasons. So he joined the Green Lantern Corps to gain great power instead of to stop every creature in the universe from masturbating.

Speaking of masturbating, I'd like to apologize for any of my recent comments in previous posts that may not have yet been deleted from my feed as they were filled with stereotypes and outright lies. And if I ever again

What the fuck was that?! I did not type that last paragraph! And I can't delete it nor highlight the text with my cursor. I suppose I could start over but I feel a vague sensation in the vicinity of my left kidney warning me to just ignore it all. And I've never argued with that region of my body before, so I'm not going to begin now.

Sinestro doesn't find anything interesting in the dirt because who ever does? It's always, "Look at this broken bit of jug!" or "Check out this bird bone next to some charcoal!" And then they make up stories about how those things could have gotten there and what it all means. But it's all nonsense because scientists never base anything on ancient religious texts. And how can you prove anything without a religious text backing up your theory? Arrogant jerks. They'll learn. Yes, one day, soon enough. They'll all learn.

But Sinestro does find a fancy new Green Lantern Power Ring on a dying alien in a crashed spaceship. His archaeology degree does not come in handy during that significant find. What a waste of five million Korugarian Bleckchits.

Though he does manage to get choked by a penis with a guantlet on. His degree did help him there.

The gigantic, throbbing penis that is making me crave a bowl of cereal right now belongs to a Weaponer of Qward. It was trying to get the Green Lantern Ring for itself, probably so it could learn how to make bootleg copies of them and sell them all across the Universe as Grean Lentern Power Rings. But Sinestro quickly learns how to make the ring and creates a device that kills the Weaponer instantly.

I'm not sure if the double cock ring is essential to the device's workings or that's just Sinestro not quite knowing what thoughts to suppress as he wills the light into form.

Sinestro became the greatest Green Lantern to ever steal a ring from a dying Green Lantern Corps Member that was actually just allowing Sinestro to borrow it so he could whip up some light construct life support machines. But Sinestro invoked Archaeologist's Rights and said, "Finders keepers and fuck the culture I'm stealing this from!" It was the smart thing to do because it allowed him to make friends with Abin Sur and, as far as I'm concerned, anything is worth gaining a new friend with a head like a penis.

Sinestro must not have cared that much about his friendship though because the first thing he did was fuck Abin Sur's sister and, brother, you just don't do that shit. I have a friend that had sex with my sister and guess what happened to him? He was maimed in an explosion in Iraq. Serves you right, Bobby Henline! That's what God does to sister fuckers!

Eventually Sinestro corrupts from the absolution of corruptification that absolute power potentiates. I think there might be a better way to say that but fuck if I can figure it out. He becomes Supreme Ultimate Master Ruler of Korugar and the rest of the citizens, potential criminals! It's the only way for a populace to feel safe! Just treat the populace like rotten kids just waiting for a parent or teacher to turn their backs. When you get right down to it, we're all just no-good note-passers and secret-whisperers. Governments can't have that shit in their classworld!

This is why leaders shouldn't have spouses! Don't just half-ass it when it comes to somebody else's life. Actually, forget leaders! Nobody should rely this much on one other person! I think I learned that lesson from my favorite Christmas Movie, About A Boy!

The narrator, Alyssa Milano, narrates the story from the point of view that Sinestro was a hero and could do no wrong. So Sinestro's wife was a weak jerko holding him back and Hal Jordan was a traitorous piece of filth with which Sinestro should have never become friends. Eventually Hal Jordan brought Sinestro's career as the greatest Green Lantern to ever live crashing down around him. Oh what could have been if the Green Lanterns had only followed Sinestro's lead and become universal tyrants! Oh wait. That's exactly what the Guardians kept trying to do. Now I'm confused! Why didn't the Guardians think Sinestro was the best Green Lantern ever?!

Alyssa mentions some other stuff about a Yellow Lantern Corps or something and then declares that not all of the Korugarians are dead! They apparently had a colony somewhere else in space and she must find Sinestro and let him know that his people still need him.

Sinestro #1 Rating: You know the shadows in the corners of your room? Are they always there? Do yours grow bigger with each passing second? I was sure the light of this lamp was enough to illuminate this entire room. Wasn't it? Wasn't that how it was yesterday? Even earlier this morning? Before I posted secrets. Before I...well, that's all in the past now, isn't it. I haven't said too much. The shadows whisper differently but I know. I'll be okay. I'll be alright. A nap. That's all I need now. Just a short, restful nap.

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