Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Supergirl #24

Now that Supergirl's flesh has been used to give Cyborg Superman his identity back, do I have to end this commentary with a shot of Cyborg Superman's ass? It might be sexy but I have a feeling it won't be adorable.

I have a confession to make. Actually, it's not much of a confession since all of my philosophy is malleable depending on the situation, being that I'm a Situational Individualist. So when I say I never high-five people, that's generally true. But I did high-five somebody in Las Vegas two weeks ago.

I was on Fremont Street with a bunch of old friends (and a few new ones) when the ceiling light show shit began with Queen. We were singing and walking and grooving along when We Are the Champions ended and it switched to the Monster Mash. At that point, I began dancing with my buddy Brent. At first I was doing the Molly Ringwald but then I began dancing like a Werewolf and then like a Vampire and then like a Mummy. If I'd put a hat down, I probably would have made a few bucks. Eventually Brent decided to dance like a charging bull and plowed into me and we laughed and stopped and continued on to the next casino. As we were entering the casino, some guy standing by the door yelled, "Hey! It's the dancing guy! That was awesome!" and he proffered the up top high-five. So what? I'm going to leave a stranger who appreciated the majesty of my Monster Mashing hanging? Fuck no!

Plus I was kind of drunk. And you know the kinds of stupid, embarrassing things people do when they're drunk! I am not ashamed. He also may have been five years old and who am I to deny a five year old a high five? Yeah, he was tall for one so young but what do I know about children?

So now you know. Anything I say on this blog is not set in stone, depending on the situation and depending on the people involved in the situation. Nobody should be ensconced in any foundational philosophy that doesn't allow room for mercy and understanding. First and foremost, we are all individuals. We should all understand and respect that. Except in situations when the individual's name is Scott Lobdell. Fuck him!

So Supergirl! She's cute, right? Let's read about her! If she's still alive somehow after melting away into nothing.

Just like I confusingly predicted last commentary: Supergirl's shoved her chocolate deep into I'noxia's peanut butter!

Brainiac has arrived to give Supergirl a K-Pap Smear. But Cyborg Superman (who is no longer Cyborg Superman but Zor-el, Supergirl's father) doesn't want Brainiac anywhere near his daughter's dainty parts, no matter how scientific and unsexy Brainiac's motivations might be. He convinces his lab assistant, Delacore, to put everything I'noxia has into repelling Brainiac while Zor-el figures out a way to save everyone and restore Kara's adorable little bum. Delacore agrees because with a name like Delacore, he certainly isn't going to win a fist-fight, even if it is with a naked, traumatized man of science composed of his daughter's supple flesh.

"And a truth that you must keep me from learning no matter how much I beg and plead and say, 'But why wouldn't I want to know? I want to know now so I should know! I was stupid not to want me to know!' Because once I learn the truth again, I'll wind up saying, 'I never should have known!'"

While Brainiac attacks I'noxia topside, Kara attacks from deep within its bowels. She's going to herniate the fuck out of this place unless she gets her body back pronto! That should have whoever is in charge worried. I don't know who is in charge. I guess Zor-el although he's kind of fucked up everything so far!

Supergirl wants to kill Cyborg Superman for taking her body. That's understandable. But little does she know she's suffering from Daddy Issues! Ha ha! Your daddy took away your body and your innocence and just left a pile of raging atoms! Why isn't that as funny as I want it to be? Why did that statement hurt my heart so much?! DADDY!

"Delacore?! Do we really have time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption?! Oh what am I saying? There's always time for the Heroin Fueled Sex Contraption!"

Delacore reverses the operations and Zor-el once again becomes the amnesiac, Cyborg Superman. And Supergirl's body is restored in its full, naked, nipply glory! I'm assuming that Kryptonian females have nipples. I'm fairly certain Kryptonian children are reared by machines and clones and vats full of artificial amniotic fluids! It's a good thing Superman was nourished by the sun when he came to Earth since Ma Kent's cow milk and corn fritters couldn't actually be digested by the boy.

While Supergirl stupidly gets dressed, Cyborg Superman and Brainiac trade wicked barbs like "You're not super at all!" and "You're dumb!" It's all very 3rd Grade Recess which makes it perfect for my level of understanding. I'm totally getting that they don't like each other at all! I appreciate when comic books don't go the subtle route.

Delacore and the rest of I'noxia turn into a silver sphere, convince Supergirl to flee while Brainiac and Cyborg Superman are playing tetherball, and say their goodbyes to Supergirl.

I'm actually looking forward to Delacore's future return! I don't say that often about characters!

Supergirl flees I'noxia and runs straight into the worst final page of a comic book ever! She runs into Oracle, Scott Lobdell's stupid fucking nonsense omnipotent thing that isn't actually omnipotent and doesn't actually do anything at all. But I suppose he's here to suck Kara into the worst crossover since H'el on Earth: THE RETURN OF KRYPTON!!!!! Did I give it enough exclamation points?

Supergirl #24 Rating: +10 Ranking. I have enjoyed this comic book since it started even if it was a bit decompressed for my tastes during its first year. But it's been languishing beneath a bunch of titles that I only occasionally enjoy and I think it's time for Supergirl to get a nice boost, preferably by my hands and preferably by her bottom. I also sense her comic might not fare too well during Issue #25 since it will be tied directly to Scott Lobdell's awesomest story ever told by either Marvel or DC!

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