Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Phantom Stranger #12

The Sin Eater's secret identity is Shaggy?

The Sin Eater sounds like the kind of guy you'd want along on the weekly orgy or the emergency murdering your rival business trips. It would be a freebie if you believe in sin and expurgation of sins and a guy that can eat sins! Unless The Sin Eater eats the sins through your face area so he can chew them out of your brain. Maybe he'd better stay home. I'll take my chances with God not being real and thus not having to face any punishment in the afterlife as my reasons for committing murder and sleep crimes. Being an atheist is so much fun! Nothing to stop me from boiling kittens alive, cutting to the front of every queue, and vociferously condemning all those that don't believe the way that I do to an afterlife of my own choosing! Thank God for free will!

Last issue, The Phantom Stranger was destroyed by the Angel Zauriel. So I'm a bit unclear as to why there's a new issue!

I just glanced at this advert as I opened the comic book and got excited! I thought DC was producing a Spectre television series for a second. Now I'm disappointed. Just Green Arrow.

The Phantom Stranger spends the first two pages of the comic book speaking nonsense. He mentions how he stopped existing but he wasn't aware of not existing but then became aware of being pulled back into existence. What he actually meant to say was, "One moment I was in heaven with Zauriel's flaming sword slicing me in twain and the next I was falling out of the sky and into my body. He would obviously have no awareness of the interim in which he didn't exist and, thus, not have any awareness at all that he may have, at any point in time, ceased to exist. I might as well refer to every time I fall asleep or pass out drunk or smash my head into the concrete after slipping on a banana peel as "ceasing to exist."

Me, every morning from now on for the rest of my life: "Boy! I sure had a good night's cessation of existence!"

Anyway, the comic book must go on with the title character, so The Phantom Stranger finds himself back in his old home with The Terrier. The fucking Terrier. The one that speaks just as much nonsense as The Phantom Stranger.

How the fuck are you The Knower of All Things if you don't know something? You need a new nickname. How about "The Stupidest Motherfucking Dog of All Stupid Motherfucking Dogs (and That's Saying Something)"?

Dog rewards The Phantom Stranger with the loss of two coins for somehow scoring a guest appearance by The Batman in their comic book. He then informs The Phantom Stranger that his next task is to reclaim two souls but He forgets to inform The Stranger which souls those would be. Hopefully one of them will be Damian already! And maybe the other one will be Maseo or Cleveland Brand. Although they probably won't have any relation to his recent guest stars, so maybe it'll be The Sin Eater's soul and Jesus Christ's.

Meanwhile Sin Eater and his Dog, Natas, are hanging out in The Stranger's backyard being creepy assholes. Although, technically, this was his yard first. So maybe he's just being a nostalgic creep.

If my head were constantly on fire, the last thing I would do is make jokes about it. I'd definitely murder anybody that made any to my flaming face.

Meanwhile, The Phantom Stranger's babysitter has discovered he's returned from heaven full of super powers and confusion. He already had the massive teenage angst which is what will probably fuel his move toward becoming a super-villain: The Strange Babysitter!

Chris "Hope" Esperanza decides he needs to confront The Phantom Stranger to find out some answers. Or to be paid for his job. Is a babysitter still entitled to his pay if the kids are butchered under his care? I know Doom Bunny still had to pay the vet when his dog died under anesthesia getting his teeth cleaned. I think he did get half off though.

The Phantom Stranger tries to get rid of Chris "Cousin Oliver" Esperanza but the kid has a weird ability to cling close to The Stranger's ass even when The Stranger teleports about. It looks like The Phantom Stranger has a sidekick now, whether he wanted one or not. They travel together to visit Terrance Thirteen only to find he's slit his wrists in the tub.

Why do you have to sexualize suicide, DC Comics?

Oh wait. It's not sexualized because he's not naked. Oh wait! Even if he were naked, it wouldn't mean this was sexualized. But if he were naked with an erection or naked and female, I guess those things would automatically sexualize the image. Why do Americans automatically assume a naked form is sexualization of that form? A bunch of fucking prudes all up in here. Although, to be fair to people who wanted to be instantly angry over the Draw Harley Quinn fiasco, this scene pretty much strengthens their argument, doesn't it? If the argument by DC wasn't that they were sexualizing Harley Quinn but that it just made sense that somebody killing themselves in a tub would be naked, then why isn't Terrance Thirteen naked? DC is kind of fucking up their own defense here. Although maybe they learned their lesson about sexualizing suicide and this page was, initially, supposed to have a naked Terrance Thirteen in it before The Harley Quinn Fiasco. Although who is ever going to believe that? First off, percentages are pretty low that DC would have had a man naked in a tub anyway. Don't want to titillate the young women with dead, flaccid penis! And covering his penis with his hand or bare thigh is actually more erotic (necrerotic!) than showing it because it stokes the imagination. To finish my rambling, no point paragraph: showing women naked while killing themselves while not showing men naked while killing themselves is wrong and we should endeavor to see more of all sexes naked and killing themselves.

The Strange Babysitter rushes in, grabs Terrance Thirteen by the wrists, and brings him back to life! Oh, no wonder he's not naked. I'm almost certain that if I were naked and suddenly brought back from the edge of death, I'd ejaculate all over my rescuer. Hmm. I think I just wrote a pornographic film! "The Pre-Ejaculator Re-Animator."

The Phantom Stranger and his Sidekick do some paranormal investigations and discover that The Question was behind Terrance Thirteen's murder attempt of The Phantom Stranger. They clean up Terrance and everybody sits around waiting for the Chinese to arrive.

Or not. Why don't characters in comic books eat more often?

After they all make nice, they head over to Terrance Thirteen's rich boy penthouse in New York where they notice an eclipse. Well, that's enough of a tie-in to slap that Forever Evil label on the top of the comic book, isn't it?! And while Chris and Terrance are bonding over the eclipse and paranormal stuff and Chris possibly applying to be Terrance Thirteen's sidekick, The Phantom Stranger pulls the old disappearing trick and heads back home. Only to find his house on fire and The Sin Eater and Natas sitting up on the roof gloating. The Phantom Stranger pulls a Charlton Heston at the end of Planet of the Apes and that's it for this month. Be with us next time for "Three Undeads are Better Than One" or "There's No Fireplace Like Home."

The Phantom Stranger #12 Rating: +1 Ranking. I can already see how this comic is going to play out! Eventually, the fate of the universe will be at the mercy of a dogfight. Dog versus Natas! Winner take all! If the fight isn't broken up by the cops before a winner can be determined.

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