Pandora #4

Pandora backwards is "A Rod Nap."

I have to believe there's a strip club out there somewhere called Pandora's Box. Probably one called The Golden Fleece as well. I think I'd have to go with Medea's Golden Chariot. When you're tucking in for a night of exploitation and boners, it's only proper to invoke the image of a woman fleeing from the dismembered corpses of her children in a magic chariot pulled by dragons.

Anyway, that's the last time I'm ever going to allude to Pandora's vagina when I talk about her box. It's crass and old hat and I don't peddle in those kinds of wares. This is a high brow blog where I drop Shakespeare quotes when I can remember them and constantly quote philosophers after consulting Lord Google and Lady Wikipedia. If I had to rely on the things I actually know, you'd simply be reading a lot of Looney Tunes references here.

Somewhere during the Trinity War, Pandora learned that she could kill a Deadly Sin if she first fully embraced the sin. So she killed Envy in the Trinity War and now she's ready to hunt the rest.

Except maybe she has to first deal with the aftermath of the Crime Syndicate traveling to Earth Prime.

I don't know but I have a feeling we're going to get a lot of Forever Evil tie-ins beginning this way!

Pandora begins her post-Trinity War blackout amongst the ruins of Washington, DC: smoke billows out of the capitol dome, bones litter the National Mall, thick black clouds hang in the air. In other words, business as usual.

So turn it the fuck over, you stupid clown. Sometimes I get confused when I pick up a book the wrong way and wonder how the publisher could fuck up so bad by printing everything upside down.

Oh look at that. It's just like I said somewhere in some commentary someplace at sometime: the Justice League was not killed but just transported to Earth 3. Which is also where Stargirl wound up after escaping the Cube. See how the Earth 3 American flag is opposite Earth Prime's? Because black is the opposite of red and red is the opposite of white! Now here is the part where I sing some Les Miserables!

"BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS NOT RED!
RED! THE COLOR THAT IS NOW WHITE!
BLACK! THE COLOR THAT IS ALSO NOT WHITE!
RED! THE TEARS OF ANGRY MEN THAT HAVE HAD THEIR EYES GOUGED OUT!"

See, you can tell that Black is the opposite of Red on Earth 3 because the stripe at the bottom of the flag should be red but it's black on Earth 3. And you thought I was just being stupid when I said black was the opposite of red! Well, you say stupid, I say super logical, perceptive, and observant! Unless perceptive and observant are basically the same thing so shut up!

This is the first person Pandora meets on her Steve Ricks backpacking trip across Earth 3:

It's Man Martianhunter!

That red inked font on a gray background is nearly impossible to read without doing severe damage to your retinas. So it's probably a good thing you've already read this bit in your own copy of Pandora #4 because you certainly aren't reading my blog simply to avoid paying $2.99 each month for this comic book. Are you? I'm especially looking squinty-eyed at all y'all pretending to "boycott" DC for "transgressions" against "stuff" but still need to follow everything they put out like rabid French hyenas who want their bread and their cake too.

My God. Who taught me these analogies?! I guess I was raised by Victorian Werewolves. Is that a thing? I hope it's a thing.

Man Martianhunter dies at Pandora's beautifully booted feet and then Pandora disintegrates. No, wait. She probably just gets transported somewhere else.

So menstruation is the key to traveling between worlds? I'm confused.

Once Pandora is back on Earth Prime, she goes to see her arms dealer, Marcus Aurelius. Although he's probably just named Marcus after somebody else because he's practically barren of stupid, trite, boring quotations. He has yet to say anything like "The sexual embrace can only be compared with music and with prayer." Wait. Really? So am I actually praying on a daily basis? And here I thought I was masturbating!

When I was a kid (this is not a masturbation story! It's a Marcus Aurelius story!), I used to spend a lot of time exploring the shit in the basement of our home. My dad had built a trophy rack for my parent's road rally trophies and a bookshelf for a bunch of random books and National Geographic magazines. Amongst the books was a series that collected three or four classic works (probably some abridged) into one book. It was in these books that I first encountered Alice in Wonderland, Gulliver's Travels, Moby Dick and many others. I remember essays by Charles Lamb and quotations by Marcus Aurelius. I don't remember Marcus's wisdom having any great impact on me although I bet I tried to memorize some of them to quote to people. Although the proper situation to use the quotes probably never came up before I quickly forgot them. I wish I could remember who published that series of collections. In a way, that bookshelf, with its collections and National Geographics and other odd books, was my internet of the Seventies.

Anyway, Pandora has come to Marcus to have him help her with her box. The Crime Syndicate tore it up and she needs help putting it back together. Only Marcus has the knowledge and the dextrous fingers needed to fix Pandora's box and save the world.

Meanwhile in Mexico, Vandal Savage is having a bit of a crisis. He's discovered that he isn't pure evil like he always wanted to be because he understands the difference between good and evil. By understanding the difference, he understands good which means he can't be purely and innocently evil. What he really wants is for evil to be so ingrained in his nature that he simply understands that evil is the way of things. What he wants is to be from Earth 3! But he is too self-aware and now he's even afraid that he might have a spark of good within him. Oh, Vandal. Stop worrying about your true nature! You were perfect the way you were in Demon Knights! Just a selfish prick that wasn't concerned about bad or good. You were only concerned with your own desires. You were so beautiful!

Pandora plans a trip to Mexico because she needs to find The Outsider so he can help Marcus rebuild her box. But to find The Oustider, she needs a guide. And Vandal Savage fits that role since she already knows him from their constant run-ins across time and space.

I even find the act of shaking hands violent and aggressive. Which is why I don't participate in it anymore. Now I hug. I even hugged the guys I just met or barely knew when I was in Vegas last week! Because I live by my convictions, baby! Although sometimes I still get sucked into a bro-hug. But that's more of a hand clasp and half-hug which is still far better than the sizing up of the other person that's involved with a handshake.

Vandal Savage hands over his Communication Coin to Pandora so that she can go meet with The Outsider. He's decided that he doesn't want to work for them. I guess the whimsy of it wore off and now Savage is off to satisfy some other desire. Pandora crashes the Happy Harbor meeting that's been repeated about twenty or more times now. But she skips the meeting so I don't have to see poor Monocle fried to a crisp again. Instead, Pandora heads straight on into the crashed remains of the Justice League Watchtower to find her prey.

I wondered what The Outsider was up to during this stupid meeting.

Pandora #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. Now this felt much more like a Forever Evil tie-in! Stupid Justice League of America should pay attention. But then Pandora's story is inextricably tied to the entire Trinity War story. She is, after all, the catalyst for the entire thing. I like that we're given a glimpse of Earth 3 (as we were in JLA #8 but without being coy about it here) and that Pandora is given an obvious motivation for her movements. It's odd that suddenly the Deadly Sins have just winked out of existence though. Perhaps they got cold feet when they saw Pandora kill Envy and they're off regrouping. Or another theory: each of the Crime Syndicate that came through took over the role of a Deadly Sin as they came through. Perhaps it was the only way for them to make the journey because the Deadly Sins were sort of shadows of their true selves already on Earth Prime. Which is why Earth 3 Aquaman (Sea King!) died during the journey. Because Pandora killed Envy and obviously Aquaman would represent Envy! The others might go as follows: Superwoman/Pride, Ultraman/Gluttony, Power Ring/Sloth, Johnny Quick/Lust, Deathstorm/Wrath, and Owlman/Greed. Some of the characters might have some overlap but I felt if I needed to go one for one in comparison, these work best. Owlman as greed because of his need to own and control everything. Ultraman for gluttony because of his consuming Kryptonite for power. Deathstorm as Wrath because he's most destructive. Power Ring as Sloth because he's fearful and hesitant. Johnny Quick as Lust because he's quick to satisfy his needs. Sea King as Envy because he just wants to be one of the big, grown-up super heroes that nobody makes fun of. Superwoman as Pride because she's a proud, strong female. I refused to make her Lust simply because she's fucking two members of the team. They'd all be Lust if I equated it with fucking! If only the real Justice League would fuck as much as the Crime Syndicate does, they might lose some of the sticks up their asses.