Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Metallo #1

Being that I don't know what a robot penis looks like (all the checkout registers at the grocery store are female), I'm just going to assume that's a kneecap at the bottom of the page. Too bad you can't see it in three dimensions, popping and throbbing right in my face.

Sterling Gates dropped me a message on Twitter thanking me for pointing out the typo in Black Adam #1. I'm almost certain that the his acknowledgment of my editorial job constitutes work for hire for DC and that I should be expecting a paycheck in the mail. At the very least, I'm adding "Assistant Editor for DC Comics" on my resume.

This issue begins eighteen months ago with Corben still in a coma. He's been in that coma since The Collector of Worlds (also known as the Brainiac A.I.) came to Metropolis and had its ass severely handed to it by The Metropolitan Masculine Marvel of Mightiness! And that was a long time ago, so he's been stuck in his big metal coma for quite a few years. I wonder what Steel has been up to all this time?

Thirty-one months, to be precise, thanks to the private on the next page moaning about having to do follow stupid orders.

These panels explain more of the story than I can coherently regurgitate for all you parasites that didn't pay for this book. But the main reason I scanned it was to show where my cat drooled on the speech bubble with "Brizuela?" in it.

Even though all Corben's vital signs seem good, he still hasn't awakened from his coma. The scientists and doctors don't believe there is anything more they can do for him. But wait! The General has an idea! What if...now listen closely...what if he...JAMS A PIECE OF KRYPTONITE IN CORBEN'S CHEST?! The doctors and scientists shrug there shoulders and figure they let Colonel Poskoff stick his dick in Corben's mouth, so why not try General Lane's Kryptonite thing? At this point none of them really know what they're doing anyway if they're taking medical and scientific advice from General Lane.

Oh, I don't know. Pray to God? Kick him in the groin? Shove spiders down his throat? Put a finger in his ass? Put two fingers in his ass? Black magic? Douse him in gasoline? Give him a fantastic blow job while somebody else rims him out? Call up Doctor Veritas for help? Immerse him in liquid nitrogen? Stuff him full of Pop Rocks? Put three fingers up his ass?

Military Scientist: "Will this work, General Lane?"
General Lane: "No way to know but what else can we do?"
Military Scientist: "Whoa, wait a second. You have no evidence that this will do anything? We just took out the fuel core keeping this man alive so you could randomly shove a rock into his chest and 'hope for the fucking best?'"
General Lane: "Have you got any better ideas?!"
Military Scientist: "Better than killing the patient and filling him with stones? Fuck yes I have better ideas!"
General Lane: "Who's the general here? Now shut the fuck up and attach Corben's system to this kryptonite!"
Military Scientist: "How?! There's nothing to connect any of these wires to? Do you want me to just wind them around the rock? Perhaps just lying them next to it would work, right? What else can we do?!"
General Lane: "Are you getting smart with me, son?! Just fucking do it or else!"

Of course with all my ranting and raving, the Kryptonite works. General Lane is a genius. Once again, three cheers for non-scientific gut instincts and intuition! And probably God. I'm sure he helped out somehow.

John "Metal-Zero" Corben is sent into action overseas. He becomes a one man army with no concern for collateral damage. He goes in and gets the job done and nobody else has to feel guilty over innocent lives lost. It's the greatest weapon the military has ever devised! An autonomous killing machine with no sense of guilt that understands the sly winks and elbow nudges of the higher ranking officers as they give him his orders and tell him to keep civilian casualties at a minimum. Pesky innocent lives will never get in the way of an American mission ever again! And everybody's hands are clean except the robot man that must have assessed the situation and taken care of the job with minimum casualties, no matter how many there were. It had to be the minimum amount because they gave him orders!

Hmm. I guess General Lane is into the dental work of gift horses.

Eighteen months after General Lane blew up Metallo over the ocean, Metallo climbs up onto a beach in Metropolis. His new goal: murder General Lane. And probably Lois too.

See? What an asshole. To be fair, he does have a reason to hate her. I mean, he did want to sleep with her and she didn't want to sleep with him. Who is she to make that decision for him? The nerve.

Metal-2.0 flies in to stop Metal-Zero. But Metal-2.0 suffers from Good Guy Syndrome. That's where he'll allow the fight to go on and on as he tries to subdue the bad guy while the bad guy only has to fight long enough to kill the good guy. That allows the Bad Guy to bring everything he has to the battle while the Good Guy is holding back. Unless the Good Guy is The Goddamned Batman. That fucker can fight for as long as it takes.

But Metal-2.0 is no The Goddamned Batman, so he dies fairly quickly. Or at least gets a pole through his heart. Since Metallo survived not having a heart, I'm sure Metal-2.0 can too! Just have a doctor shove a lump of coal in his chest! Or a ruby! He'll be okay.

Except there's not time for that since Metal-2.0 hits the self-destruct and blows both of them to pieces. Does that mean there will be a Roger Corben in The New 52 as well? No. Turns out The Secret Society of Super-Villains teleported him away before he was blown up. Now he only has to worry about keeping Ultraman from snorting his heart.

Metallo #1 Rating: Metallo is kind of a boring villain. Just a military guy with a heart of Kryptonite! It sounds like it could turn into a sitcom though! Maybe Metallo and Superman could be roommates and they'd both be in love with the neighbor across the hall, Lois Lane. But every time one of them tries to make a move on her in her apartment, her military father busts in and begins busting heads. The season finale would have both Superman and Metallo making out with Lois. But since Metallo makes out with her first, Superman, like somebody with a peanut allergy kissing somebody after fucking a guy with peanut butter for a heart, goes into anaphylactic shock and everybody rushes to the hospital and the lousy sitcom ends on a sad and bitter note as Superman lays dying. I hate when sitcoms try to be deep. I hate my new sitcom.

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