Batman #24

I don't mind so much that this issue costs $6.99. What I mind is that it's going to take a long ass time to write about. I hope this commentary is more coherent than last issue's. I think I was whacked out on cold medicine.

Batman came up with the idea of being a Batman last issue although he's yet to run to Alfred screaming, "Alfred! Alfred! I have the best idea! Have you ever heard of bats?!" This issue, Alfred is probably going to get roped into sewing the Batsuit. Unless Batman learned some ancient Tibetan sewing techniques while he was on the road.

The issue begins with Bruce having already made a few forays against The Red Hood Gang as the Batman because a bunch of them are worrying about him already. One of them convinces the others that he's a myth, a horror story. He says in Gotham, it's always something after which he adds "bats" and "witches" to the list of mythological terrors that also includes "owls." So when are we going to get our Coven of Witches controlling Gotham story? Anyway, Batman wants everybody to believe in him! He's no faith junkie. If they need proof of his existence, he'll Goddamned give them proof.

Come on! This is at least as good as anything Banksy has ever done!

The Red Hood doesn't seem particularly happy about The Batman although it does afford him a chance to sink the failing members of his gang to the bottom of Gotham Harbor. So, you know, always look on the bright side and all that. I suppose at this moment in the story, everybody thinks Bruce Wayne is dead. Again. So Bruce is free to spend his time with Alfred outfitting the Batcave, creating his terrifying persona, and creating the formula for Batlube. I don't know what The Riddler is up to yet.

"Why, Bruce, didn't you know? They've taken my butt cherry and my left testicle."

Well, Bruce being dead didn't last very long by comic narrative standards. But he and Alfred did get a lot done during Villains Month. They have some kind of gigantic furnace down in the Batcave. Batman has his costume. Batman has the Batmobile (or some version of it since all I've seen so far are the headlights coming out of the secret Batcave entrance). And his myth is already beginning to grow.

Currently the Batcave is composed of a rope ladder, a gigantic furnace, and a laptop with five hundred meters of extension cord. Alfred and Bruce finally figure out exactly what The Red Hood is going to do and when he's going to do it but they don't let me in on the secret because I can't be trusted. Bruce also determines that The Batman can't stop The Red Hood. It's time for Bruce Wayne to step up and take the city under his wing.

Bruce Wayne calls a press conference to discuss what he knows about The Red Hood Gang. Commissioner Loeb doesn't want to deal with it, so he sends in Detective Gordon. Isn't Gordon going to get his own Zero Year over in Detective Comics? I suppose Batman can share some of the spotlight with him here.

"Because whatever your answer is...it isn't worth it! Get out now! Get the fuck out! Flee for your lives! This place will devour your soul and fuck your rotten corpse in the throat! Run, people of Gotham! RUN!"

Bruce Wayne proceeds to deliver a passionate speech to the people of Gotham about why he thinks they put up with the horrible, mean, dirty city.

I imagine he'll finish this up with, "Also, those of you working fast food and retail and all the other shitty, minimum wage jobs...well, I suppose you're here because you simply can't afford to leave."

The Red Hood Gang showers the press conference with rocket propelled grenades but I think everybody survives thanks to the casually bored Jim Gordon who rolls his eyes at just the right time to see some Red Hood Gang members on the roof of ACE Chemicals. During the chaos, Alfred manages to hack the security gates around the plant and Bruce Wayne rushes in followed by Gordon and some police officers. Too bad Bruce is found almost immediately by The Red Hood and held at gunpoint while Gordon and the cops are locked out of the main warehouse where a bunch of vans are being loaded with radioactive explosives.

Oh, just shoot him before listening to all of his moralizing!

But just before The Red Hood can pull the trigger, Alfred hits the fucking lights on a certain-shaped portion of the city.

Maybe he's the tiniest bit obsessive.

During the blackout, Bruce makes it look like Batman saves him with some really spot on shadow puppetry and trick clothing which he learned from a Master Shadow Puppeteer on a small island off the west coast of Japan. The lights come back on as The Red Hood removes his hood so he can get a glimpse of The Batman with his uncovered, beautiful green eyes. It's love at first sight and the beginning of another tiny obsession in another crazy Gothamite.

The next part is the big brawl part which I rarely talk about except when the hero pulls some Xena shit like this:

And now we reveal my obsession: people running on the tops of other people's heads.

Just after this, Red Hood gets a bead on Batman with his pistol but Red Hood 347 (Uncle Philip!) bounces a bullet off of The Red Hood's helmet to stop him. Uncle Philip is then killed almost immediately which sucks because I'm fairly certain he had a bit to say about power and responsibility. Also, Philip's bullet ricocheted into one of the explosive gas canisters, so that's going to suck.

All hell breaks loose as the canisters begin exploding. Alfred hacked the doors so the trucks can't leave. Gordon trains his gun on Batman because that's what you do to in Gotham. And the Red Hood runs up some stairs with one canister left to blow up in his face and give him a permanent smile.

Or The Goddamned Batman will stop him.

Batman also fails to keep him from falling in a vat of toxic chemicals with a great big crushy lovey smile on his face. And that's why everybody paid $6.99 for this issue. Because you got the origin of The Joker. During most of the previous Zero Year stuff, I questioned whether The Red Hood would become The Joker or not. But when he said "...Hello...there." in that earlier panel, it was confirmed (in my mind) that he was The Joker. And he is so in love with The Batman.

Although that white carnation...oh, well. No matter! Time for the back-up story where we learn why nobody will ever guess that The Batman is actually Bruce Wayne and that The Riddler has decided it's time for his shot at Gotham!

Batman #24 Rating: +1 Ranking. Insert your own reasons for liking or disliking the comic book here and pretend that I completely agree with you. Gotta go!